Re: Confused New Member

[Guest guest]

What I didn't think about is that if yourpartner, the closest person to you, has AS than it is going to have ahuge impact on the relationship and on you.

Yes this is true.

Unless the person with AS is mature and progressive, then that will diminish to a high degree.

Same goes for NT's. Ex was an NT and he was supposed to be the closet person to me, his NT's way had a huge impact on me!

We are still friends, but that is all is and that is what we should have left it at.

Still I talked to him yesterday and he still says, he has no complaint about me. Except that I wait until last minute to go to the doctor if I do not feel well. Yet I do not know I am sick many times unless the symptoms are all there. So if that is his only complaint about me, I supposed that I did pretty good in the relationship.

He and I know why it could not be, and there is nothing that can be done when nature is involved in it. We are happy the way we are, so it is alright....... And no, I am not talking about him being NT and AS.

That, my AS is one of the things that he likes the most, and that I am happy and funny in his views as well.

Blaming everything on As is not healthy at all. I have AS, very mild but AS nonetheless.

I am far, and I mean far more aware of myself that many of the NT people I know closely.

Someone said that AS is a nasty mess! Too bad that person is not here as for me to show him differently. That is wrong to say! Specially as it generalizes and we were not created equal!

In any case, that person is far more Aspie than what I could ever be!

That is part why I am so in pain. I have been able to move forward and thanks God I was born with "too much empathy" and that is why I the way I am and feel I can help others in many ways.

Anyhow, impact in relationships are far stronger due to the "character and nature" of the person than to AS at all!

Chloe, if you do have the feelings you say you do for , then keep on learning about yourself, so those feelings can flourish and not perish.

In a relationship 50% of the responsibility lays on each of the TWO partners.

Love is a Choice, To love is a verb! It is a verb as it has to be put in practice for it to flourish....... Otherwise the choice of loving bears NO fruit!

I will elaborate on it later on, I have to go now.

Hope everyone is doing alright and have a Happy New Year! Merry as well and that lots of cheers happens too!

.

PS-- To think a relationship is a lie, to think that there has been so much concealing one way or another is truly in the "eyes of the beholder" and the only way things can get cleared off is if the "truth" and "facts" of the matter is made know to the other person.

I was honest with ex, and I told the truth and presented the facts. It is possible and can be done, AS or NT!

Life is too short in time as not to live it peacefully and in the simple ways that offer soooo much to all of us. Wanting to be in control of everything is not really good for AS or NT's, at the end no one ends up controlling anything, not even our own lives!

New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines.

[Guest guest]

He said that he thinks he loves me but does not know whether he is 'in' love with me. He also said that he has never felt that he has bonded with our two children (19 & 21) like he sees other parents bonding with theirs.

How des he knows he is not "in love with you" if he is confused about how loves feels like?

About the bonding with you children, well....... My dad was an Aspie and he loved us, bonded with us? I not sure, but there was bond between him and I that no one else had. I am AS as well.

Our bond was not so much of affectionate love alone, that what part of it. Our bond came as to feel the same way. We bonded with each others through the way we understood how we "felt" emotionally and physically.

He Loved us out of responsibility! Still it is love and if something was to hurt us or happening to us, he would get very sick or emotional. That is love, he showed us in a completely different way.

I must go now, but will try to tell you my story sometime tonight.

.

In your case, it appears to you like a lie, even though that is how it feels like to you right now. I do understand, yet I have a feeling he would have not said any of this if he did not read about AS or "think" he is what the books describe of a person with AS. Books can harm more than help the way they are written in my views. The ones I read about AS show so much pessimism that I feel terrible for the poor kids who are forever labeled and treated as "a problem, something is wrong with you" due to made feel they are what they books say they are. At the end, they end up believing what they should not.

.

New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines.

[Guest guest]

Hello, My name's Usarian. My wife and I use the same email, bla bla bla (why do

I always say all that??)

I really identified personally with what you said about your husband. I have

said many of those same things to my wife over the years. I've always had a

difficult time with the emotional side of things.. I thought maybe I just

wasn't emotional for a while.. even viewed emotions as a bad thing for a long

time, since every time I got into trouble it was when someone close to me was

experiencing emotions.. I blamed them for feeling them! (Wifey didn't put up

with THAT stuff at all.)

I would imagine that defining " Love " and " being in love " is probably something

every AS goes thru. Growing up in the Church we were given definitions that ..

just didn't fit when analyzed objectively .. it was soo.. I don't know.. touchy

feely.. I needed to get it into concrete terms or I had a VERY difficult time

accepting it as legitimate.

Bonding is very very difficult for me.. ESPECIALLY with our children. .. well..

with e too. I feel like I live in an emotional bubble, and although I

DESIRE to connect, I feel insulated from the world. Sometimes I blame myself

and get depressed, sometimes I tune out the void, sometimes I blame my wife and

get frustrated and angry. Sometimes I feel I make a connection. There's no

formula to it though, and that's what bothers me.. I'll read a book to my kid

and one day we connect thru it, another day we don't. Even worse, sometimes I

feel an experience has helped me and e connect, then find out she did not

feel that way AT ALL, which invalidates my whole memory of the experience.

You ... YOU you have not lived a lie,

HE has. and successfully. and it was a good thing he did!

He's AS and didn't know it. He's spent all this time feeling like he was alone

and broken and didn't want you to know how he felt. Now he has this diagnosis

as an explanation and is finally openning up to you and sharing what he's been

feeling the whole time. If anythign, this is a new beginning for you as a

couple and for him as a human.. He's exploring concepts and ideas he's

basically been sweeping under the carpet for decades. He'll need a few years to

mature in those areas now that he's openning the door to them. It'll be rough,

but I think if you can give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that if

something hurts you, you didn't understand the way he meant it.. if you can meet

him half way and try to deal with him objectively, and be open and honest with

him about how what he says is makign you feel without actually expressing the

emotion (not saying it's RIGHT.. I know now that it's NOT right, but it is what

HE NEEDS to .. " catch up " to your emotional matur!

ity .. that is your ability to feel and understand emotions WITHOUT analyzing

them)

This is my opinion.. I don't know how this is going to come across.. alot of

times my wife will get on and sort of " translate " what I'm trying to say into

English.. but anyway, that's my 2 cents.

Usarian

Quoting blonde_61 :

> Hi,

>

> My name is Lena & I am new to Aspires & I have never belonged to

> any

> other forums so forgive me if I make some mistakes.

> My husband (47 years old) was recently diagnosed with AS. We

>

> have been married nearly 24 years. Our relationship has been up &

>

> down during these years. What I am having most difficulty with is

>

> the emotional side of things. He told me a couple of weeks ago

> that

> he has trouble understanding emotions & that he doesn't know

> what 'love' is. He said that he thinks he loves me but does not

> know

> whether he is 'in' love with me. He also said that he has never

> felt

> that he has bonded with our two children (19 & 21) like he sees

> other

> parents bonding with theirs. I feel like I have lived a lie all

> these years & I feel like my heart has been torn out.

> Can anyone help with coping strategies & do you think he will

> understand love one day?

> I am sure I will get a lot from this forum.

>

> Thanks & Regards,

>

> Lena.

> PS. Happy New Year to all.

>

>

[Guest guest]

The fear of not responding correctly becomes self reinforcing and ends up with me shutting down.

I know this one very well, yet at times when we talk in order to try to explain things, somehow the wrong words are used or the partner perceived out words differently than what they were intended to be.

Now I communicate better, as I make sure the person understand I am not arguing or trying to be an smart aleck; but truthfully trying to communicate. That alone helps the other person feel they are not being attacked and some calmness is at least achieved.

Nothing gets resolved. If I try to force the discussion back to logical observed facts and states she interprets this as me bullying her into getting my own way when in fact I cannot operate at the emotional level she is in.

What I do here is to try to make my body language as simple as possible and not threatening to the other person. I also say, hold on please lets go back to this. I ask how are you interpreting this at the first sign of a person getting emotionally upset. I then reassure them that I am trying to find the logic in it as for me to understand it and also to make the necessary improvements. I also make sure that I come closer as to show that I am sympathizing and offer my hand as sign of understanding a person is upset and that I am concern.

In order for me to feel what they are feeling, I try to put myself in their situation. At times I write an e-mail to someone, and later one I read it to myself and pretend it has been sent to me, I put my name where I have put theirs and hear me talking to them. This helps me to feel what they might feel when they read my mail and it make a tremendous difference.

It is hard to apply that concept when you are talking to someone, but with practice it is possible. I try to think how will I react if it was me hearing her or him saying this?

It is not easy as it takes time to process the information and also see the emotive part of it. Yet after practicing this for a long period of time, it becomes part of one.

I want the best for my wife and kids but that is not the same as loving in the full emotional context of the term.

Ask your wife what does she perceives as love.

Think and ask yourself how do you perceive or feel loved and love.

Once you know this, then talk about it and give examples of when she makes you feel loved.

Tell her examples when you think you are showing her love, but are surprised she does not know it.

I perceived I am being loved if I feel safe with the person, if my emotions once told will not be use and turned against me. When I am able to trust hat I am not going to

be deliberately hurt by having spoken and being sincere.

If I feel safe within the person I am nest to, then I feel love.

When do I love someone? I do so by helping and being of use to that person. I love someone by being there, and to help that person and to show I care. Affectionate to the mac here, but oddly enough I do not expect the same necessarily form the other person.

I love affection, but it does not have to be smothering.

More later,

.

New year...new news. Be the first to know what is making headlines.

[Guest guest]

Lena,

Let me dissect your post as it rang

a number of bells for me.

<<My name

is Lena & I am new to Aspires & I have never belonged to any

<<other forums so forgive me if I make some mistakes.

<<My husband (47 years old) was recently diagnosed with AS.

We

<<have been married nearly 24 years. Our relationship has been up

&

<<down during these years. What I am having most difficulty with

is

<<the emotional side of things. He told me a couple of weeks ago

that

<<he has trouble understanding emotions & that he doesn't know

<<what 'love' is.

Yes and Yes. As a diagnosed AS this is the single

most troubling issue between my wife and I and it has resulted in my two

daughters becoming very distant to me. I have trouble understanding

emotions and have a lot of difficulty in expressing them. It manifests

as a confusing fog which grows denser whenever my wife and I try to communicate

about the relationship issues. I am forever trying to analyse it

while she is trying to emotionally connect and try to understand why I

cannot get emotionally involved in the issues discussed.

Tragically this results in my partner believing that I

am dissembling or lying about how I feel, when in fact I am trying to understand

how I should feel and more importantly how I should respond. The

fear of not responding correctly becomes self reinforcing and ends up with

me shutting down. Nothing gets resolved. If I try to force

the discussion back to logical observed facts and states she interprets

this as me bullying her into getting my own way when in fact I cannot operate

at the emotional level she is in. I want the best for my wife and

kids but that is not the same as loving in the full emotional context of

the term.

<<He said that he thinks he loves me but does not

know

<<whether he is 'in' love with me. He also said that he has never

felt

<<that he has bonded with our two children (19 & 21) like he

sees other

<<parents bonding with theirs. I feel like I have lived a lie all

<<these years & I feel like my heart has been torn out.

This last paragraph in particular resonates with me. I

have the same difficulty in understanding what love is and how it feels.

My partner has asked me what I thought love was. Here is my

view and it may be similar to your husband's perhaps.

Love is feeling accepted and comfortable with someone.

It is living together and developing a set of rules to make the day

to day go smoothly. It is about not feeling guilty when one wants

time to be on one's own and giving the freedom to each other to be in their

own zone when necessary. Love is also about being independent of

each other but allowing each other to feel valued by what one does not

what is said. Love is being comfortable sitting in the same room

and not talking but doing the things that interest one without the weight

of expectation to act like one is interested in the other one's interests

when you are not. (for example: TV programs. If they do not

interest me I will do something else.) Note that this is a self absorbed

view not a selfish view. It is based on a limited awareness of what

other people want and think.

My wife (who is very NT) has a different view. She

wants and expects more shared experiences and more emotional support. Active

listening is something she does intuitively and I find hard to do. She

says X & Y and I hear X & Y. I say X & Y and she hears

X & Y as well as interpreting Z and A,B,C.

I felt that I have not bonded with my children, however

I did play with them a lot when they were kids and read to them often.

I noticed however that when they got to their teens the distance

occurred leading me to surmise that emotionally they had outgrown me. I

still have a good relationship with my son who is on his own with his partner

now. The girls are in University and I want them to succeed. It

surprised me greatly when My wife said that I never praised them. I

can remember telling them how proud I was of them but I always tried to

give balanced feedback trying to help them understand how to improve. So

I meant well but what they wanted was unqualified support and acknowledgement,

while the helpful hints could have waited until later I expect.

My wife feels that we have lived a lie all these years

as well, when in fact I have been used to masking my inadequacies and using

coping mechanisms like avoiding issues I cannot handle rather than showing

her the respect required to discuss them and be honest and say I did not

understand. AS folk often do not want to appear foolish (lets face

it - the male ego is fragile enough). While her understanding of

the condition has grown, her expectations of me have diminished and she

is going through a grieving process. She did not choose to be alone,

but I did and that sums up the hurt, tragedy and dislocation that occurs

when I was diagnosed with AS. She knew there was a problem from the

outset, but could not understand why I could not see it. The AS

diagnosis was the final vindication for her that she could never have a

relationship she wanted and indeed, something I could not give her.

<<Can anyone help with coping strategies & do you think he will

<<understand love one day?

I assume you are NT so coping strategies have to centre

on it being about you, not him. You need to develop other close relationships

to fill the gap. Reach out to your own family and mend any bridges

that there may be there. Get outside interests and learn to mix socially

with one or two very good friends.

What you may be experiencing is the Cassandra Affective

Disorder (CAD) coined by Maxine Aston. CAD can develop as a consequence

of being in an intimate relationship with an adult with Asperger syndrome.

You love someone (a partner or a parent), who is responsible, usually

unintentionally, for your emotional deprivation brought about due to their

inability to reciprocate love offered by you and to reflect back to you

reification that they feel loved and love you in return. However,

CAD is a consequence of the situation and the relationship you are in,

not a personality disorder from what I have read. It would help to

read books by Maxine Aston which may be very helpful. Your husband

has to want to work at this with you, not fight you or the different cognitive

style which is AS. Above all stop blaming each other.

I hope this feedback

helps

Greg dx AS at 53

[Guest guest]

Lena,

Let me dissect your post as it rang

a number of bells for me.

<<My name

is Lena & I am new to Aspires & I have never belonged to any

<<other forums so forgive me if I make some mistakes.

<<My husband (47 years old) was recently diagnosed with AS.

We

<<have been married nearly 24 years. Our relationship has been up

&

<<down during these years. What I am having most difficulty with

is

<<the emotional side of things. He told me a couple of weeks ago

that

<<he has trouble understanding emotions & that he doesn't know

<<what 'love' is.

Yes and Yes. As a diagnosed AS this is the single

most troubling issue between my wife and I and it has resulted in my two

daughters becoming very distant to me. I have trouble understanding

emotions and have a lot of difficulty in expressing them. It manifests

as a confusing fog which grows denser whenever my wife and I try to communicate

about the relationship issues. I am forever trying to analyse it

while she is trying to emotionally connect and try to understand why I

cannot get emotionally involved in the issues discussed.

Tragically this results in my partner believing that I

am dissembling or lying about how I feel, when in fact I am trying to understand

how I should feel and more importantly how I should respond. The

fear of not responding correctly becomes self reinforcing and ends up with

me shutting down. Nothing gets resolved. If I try to force

the discussion back to logical observed facts and states she interprets

this as me bullying her into getting my own way when in fact I cannot operate

at the emotional level she is in. I want the best for my wife and

kids but that is not the same as loving in the full emotional context of

the term.

<<He said that he thinks he loves me but does not

know

<<whether he is 'in' love with me. He also said that he has never

felt

<<that he has bonded with our two children (19 & 21) like he

sees other

<<parents bonding with theirs. I feel like I have lived a lie all

<<these years & I feel like my heart has been torn out.

This last paragraph in particular resonates with me. I

have the same difficulty in understanding what love is and how it feels.

My partner has asked me what I thought love was. Here is my

view and it may be similar to your husband's perhaps.

Love is feeling accepted and comfortable with someone.

It is living together and developing a set of rules to make the day

to day go smoothly. It is about not feeling guilty when one wants

time to be on one's own and giving the freedom to each other to be in their

own zone when necessary. Love is also about being independent of

each other but allowing each other to feel valued by what one does not

what is said. Love is being comfortable sitting in the same room

and not talking but doing the things that interest one without the weight

of expectation to act like one is interested in the other one's interests

when you are not. (for example: TV programs. If they do not

interest me I will do something else.) Note that this is a self absorbed

view not a selfish view. It is based on a limited awareness of what

other people want and think.

My wife (who is very NT) has a different view. She

wants and expects more shared experiences and more emotional support. Active

listening is something she does intuitively and I find hard to do. She

says X & Y and I hear X & Y. I say X & Y and she hears

X & Y as well as interpreting Z and A,B,C.

I felt that I have not bonded with my children, however

I did play with them a lot when they were kids and read to them often.

I noticed however that when they got to their teens the distance

occurred leading me to surmise that emotionally they had outgrown me. I

still have a good relationship with my son who is on his own with his partner

now. The girls are in University and I want them to succeed. It

surprised me greatly when My wife said that I never praised them. I

can remember telling them how proud I was of them but I always tried to

give balanced feedback trying to help them understand how to improve. So

I meant well but what they wanted was unqualified support and acknowledgement,

while the helpful hints could have waited until later I expect.

My wife feels that we have lived a lie all these years

as well, when in fact I have been used to masking my inadequacies and using

coping mechanisms like avoiding issues I cannot handle rather than showing

her the respect required to discuss them and be honest and say I did not

understand. AS folk often do not want to appear foolish (lets face

it - the male ego is fragile enough). While her understanding of

the condition has grown, her expectations of me have diminished and she

is going through a grieving process. She did not choose to be alone,

but I did and that sums up the hurt, tragedy and dislocation that occurs

when I was diagnosed with AS. She knew there was a problem from the

outset, but could not understand why I could not see it. The AS

diagnosis was the final vindication for her that she could never have a

relationship she wanted and indeed, something I could not give her.

<<Can anyone help with coping strategies & do you think he will

<<understand love one day?

I assume you are NT so coping strategies have to centre

on it being about you, not him. You need to develop other close relationships

to fill the gap. Reach out to your own family and mend any bridges

that there may be there. Get outside interests and learn to mix socially

with one or two very good friends.

What you may be experiencing is the Cassandra Affective

Disorder (CAD) coined by Maxine Aston. CAD can develop as a consequence

of being in an intimate relationship with an adult with Asperger syndrome.

You love someone (a partner or a parent), who is responsible, usually

unintentionally, for your emotional deprivation brought about due to their

inability to reciprocate love offered by you and to reflect back to you

reification that they feel loved and love you in return. However,

CAD is a consequence of the situation and the relationship you are in,

not a personality disorder from what I have read. It would help to

read books by Maxine Aston which may be very helpful. Your husband

has to want to work at this with you, not fight you or the different cognitive

style which is AS. Above all stop blaming each other.

I hope this feedback

helps

Greg dx AS at 53

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe,

Thanks for your reply. I am overwhelmed by all the support I have

received from this site.

I read your post, my feelings go out to you, I am feeling very much

like that myself at the moment.

My husband & I have started counselling, just have to wait until the

holiday season is over for our next session, so fingers crossed this

will help. I also have ordered 2 books into relationships with an AS

partner.

Again thank you for your help & my thoughts are with you.

Take care,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you that you cannot always take

everything you read to heart and believe everything you read.

I understand that we are all different, it is early days for us and I

am trying my best to understand everything & come to terms with it.

I appreciate all the help I have received from this site & will keep

reading the posts & asking questions.

Regards,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you that you cannot always take

everything you read to heart and believe everything you read.

I understand that we are all different, it is early days for us and I

am trying my best to understand everything & come to terms with it.

I appreciate all the help I have received from this site & will keep

reading the posts & asking questions.

Regards,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Usarian,

Your reply made me feel so good. You said everything so well & I

thought you were talking about my husband. I showed the post to my

husband & we both laughed because it sounded like our relationship.

I will continue to learn more about AS and I will try not to take

everything personally & to heart in our relationship.

Thanks again & I'm sure you will be able to help me a lot more in the

future.

Regards,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Verleen,

It was nice to hear from someone in the same situation as I am. I

learnt a lot from your reply. I can see what you mean that sometimes

the AS partner shows his love in a different way to what an NT would

expect. For instance, my husband told me today that he shows his love

for me by doing the ironing, I just have to come to terms with the

fact that every time he does the ironing he is saying 'I love you' lol.

It doesn't help the situation that came from a family where there

wasn't much showing of affection. He said that he cannot remember his

mother hugging him. I am highly emotional & love being hugged (so it

doesn't make things easier) but I suppose I will have to be patient or

I will have to get my kids to hug me that much more.

Anyway, it has been great joining the group & I'm sure I will get a

lot out of it.

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

I almost had to take out the box of tissues when I read your reply,

it really hit home. You explained our relationship to the 'T'.

I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. I had to laugh when

you said that when you talk about XY & Z we (NT) also assume Z & ABC,

so true we tend to read into things.

The kids are trying to understand the diagnosis of AS but I suppose

at 19 & 21 they have a lot on their mind & it sounds a bit airy fairy

to them. was very critical of them as they were growing up he

felt they had to be perfectionists at whatever they were doing. I,

like your wife, have told that he hasn't praised the kids

enough. I know that he only wants the best for them. It was only

today that my son told me that he gave up on cricket because his dad

used to criticize him so much. regrets what he has done but he

said he just couldn't help it & that he could not see the harm in it

at the time, he thought he was helping by pointing out errors.

I do believe that I have sufferred (maybe still am) from CAD through

the years. Hopefully, as time goes on & I learn and accept (sorry)

more about AS I will feel better.

Again, thank you so much for your reply. It is nice to hear from AS

people who realize we are not blaming them, we are just confused

(like you) and asking for help.

Take care,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

i wouldnt agree with what maxine aston has said.

while greg has his view and will often vary from mine i find the maxine aston approach

interventionist and accusatory prefering to blame AS for all relationship problems.

i find her book, her work and her followers troubling.

not a critiscism greg, just my view which is now and has ( not always) been different to yours.

37 m diagnosed AS

Subject: Re: Confused New MemberTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 1 January, 2009, 12:21 PM

Hi Greg,I almost had to take out the box of tissues when I read your reply, it really hit home. You explained our relationship to the 'T'.I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. I had to laugh when you said that when you talk about XY & Z we (NT) also assume Z & ABC, so true we tend to read into things.The kids are trying to understand the diagnosis of AS but I suppose at 19 & 21 they have a lot on their mind & it sounds a bit airy fairy to them. was very critical of them as they were growing up he felt they had to be perfectionists at whatever they were doing. I, like your wife, have told that he hasn't praised the kids enough. I know that he only wants the best for them. It was only today that my son told me that he gave up on cricket because his dad used to criticize him so much. regrets what he has done but he said he just couldn't help

it & that he could not see the harm in it at the time, he thought he was helping by pointing out errors.I do believe that I have sufferred (maybe still am) from CAD through the years. Hopefully, as time goes on & I learn and accept (sorry) more about AS I will feel better.Again, thank you so much for your reply. It is nice to hear from AS people who realize we are not blaming them, we are just confused (like you) and asking for help.Take care,Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi guys,

- you may have seen some of my other posts. I consider that I

may have some symptoms of CADD too and I'm considering going to

Maxine's workshop. I don't know much about her, or it, and I haven't

read any of her books yet, so maybe I can't judge, but I do feel that

she tries to promote acceptance of AS and coping strategies, rather

than using AS as something to blame relationship problems on. That's

just the impression I get from her website and from what little

feedback I have read from people who have attended her workshop. I do

feel that a lot of women on this site have symptoms of CADD and, even

if there is no such condition, and the problems aren't all due to AS,

they would benefit from learning new coping and communication

strategies, for themselves and for their partners.

I don't mean that to sound argumentative and I'm sorry if it does, I'm

just trying to explain what I perceive her aims to be. As I said, I

don't know enough about her to really judge, so you could be right. I

hope that if I attend I'll get something back though, as it costs £150!

Lena, and other women who suspect they may have symptoms of CADD - If

I do attend Maxine's workshop and find it useful I'll make notes and

share them with you!

Chloe

>

>

> Subject: Re: Confused New Member

> To: aspires-relationships

> Date: Thursday, 1 January, 2009, 12:21 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi Greg,

>

> I almost had to take out the box of tissues when I read your reply,

> it really hit home. You explained our relationship to the 'T'.

>

> I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. I had to laugh when

> you said that when you talk about XY & Z we (NT) also assume Z & ABC,

> so true we tend to read into things.

>

> The kids are trying to understand the diagnosis of AS but I suppose

> at 19 & 21 they have a lot on their mind & it sounds a bit airy fairy

> to them. was very critical of them as they were growing up he

> felt they had to be perfectionists at whatever they were doing. I,

> like your wife, have told that he hasn't praised the kids

> enough. I know that he only wants the best for them. It was only

> today that my son told me that he gave up on cricket because his dad

> used to criticize him so much. regrets what he has done but he

> said he just couldn't help it & that he could not see the harm in it

> at the time, he thought he was helping by pointing out errors.

>

> I do believe that I have sufferred (maybe still am) from CAD through

> the years. Hopefully, as time goes on & I learn and accept (sorry)

> more about AS I will feel better.

>

> Again, thank you so much for your reply. It is nice to hear from AS

> people who realize we are not blaming them, we are just confused

> (like you) and asking for help.

>

> Take care,

>

> Lena.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks .

It was not my intention to single out

Maxine Aston's work as definitive, however the Cassandra Affective Disorder

she profiles is very representative of the state my wife is in. I

agree that Maxine's work is not definitive and is a specific point of view

that looks at AS as an pathology rather than a different cognitive style

which requires effort and input from both NT & AS to develop successful

coping mechanisms to have relationships work.

As always , your perspective is

respected and I know from your posts that you have done a lot of thinking

about AS as it applies to you as well as the more general context that

applies to others.

All the best for the New Year and thanks

for your post.

Greg DX AS at 53

david bailey

Sent by: aspires-relationships

02/01/2009 03:07 AM

Please respond to

aspires-relationships

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aspires-relationships

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Subject

Re: Re: Confused

New Member

i wouldnt agree with what maxine aston has

said.

while greg has his view and will often vary from mine i

find the maxine aston approach

interventionist and accusatory prefering to blame AS for

all relationship problems.

i find her book, her work and her followers troubling.

not a critiscism greg, just my view which is now and has

( not always) been different to yours.

37 m diagnosed AS

Subject: Re: Confused New Member

To: aspires-relationships

Date: Thursday, 1 January, 2009, 12:21 PM

Hi Greg,

I almost had to take out the box of tissues when I read your reply,

it really hit home. You explained our relationship to the 'T'.

I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone. I had to laugh when

you said that when you talk about XY & Z we (NT) also assume Z &

ABC,

so true we tend to read into things.

The kids are trying to understand the diagnosis of AS but I suppose

at 19 & 21 they have a lot on their mind & it sounds a bit airy

fairy

to them. was very critical of them as they were growing up he

felt they had to be perfectionists at whatever they were doing. I,

like your wife, have told that he hasn't praised the kids

enough. I know that he only wants the best for them. It was only

today that my son told me that he gave up on cricket because his dad

used to criticize him so much. regrets what he has done but he

said he just couldn't help it & that he could not see the harm in it

at the time, he thought he was helping by pointing out errors.

I do believe that I have sufferred (maybe still am) from CAD through

the years. Hopefully, as time goes on & I learn and accept (sorry)

more about AS I will feel better.

Again, thank you so much for your reply. It is nice to hear from AS

people who realize we are not blaming them, we are just confused

(like you) and asking for help.

Take care,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Usarian,

From one AS to another all I can say

is very well stated. You have put into words exactly what I perceive

and feel although I have probably not made as much progress as you and

your wife have.

The broken feeling stems from the inability

to bond with others with whom we have intimate relationships. From

your note I believe you really understand how that feels.

To the NTs on the list struggling with

their AS partners, I hope this answers some of the questions regarding

how an AS might explain their behaviour and their avoidance of situations

and certain issues.

Greg

DX AS at 53

Usarian & e

Skiff

Sent by: aspires-relationships

01/01/2009 02:26 AM

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Re: Confused

New Member

Hello, My name's Usarian. My wife and I use the same email,

bla bla bla (why do I always say all that??)

I really identified personally with what you said about your husband. I

have said many of those same things to my wife over the years. I've always

had a difficult time with the emotional side of things.. I thought maybe

I just wasn't emotional for a while.. even viewed emotions as a bad thing

for a long time, since every time I got into trouble it was when someone

close to me was experiencing emotions.. I blamed them for feeling them!

(Wifey didn't put up with THAT stuff at all.)

I would imagine that defining " Love " and " being in love "

is probably something every AS goes thru. Growing up in the Church we were

given definitions that .. just didn't fit when analyzed objectively ..

it was soo.. I don't know.. touchy feely.. I needed to get it into concrete

terms or I had a VERY difficult time accepting it as legitimate.

Bonding is very very difficult for me.. ESPECIALLY with our children. ..

well.. with e too. I feel like I live in an emotional bubble, and

although I DESIRE to connect, I feel insulated from the world. Sometimes

I blame myself and get depressed, sometimes I tune out the void, sometimes

I blame my wife and get frustrated and angry. Sometimes I feel I make a

connection. There's no formula to it though, and that's what bothers me..

I'll read a book to my kid and one day we connect thru it, another day

we don't. Even worse, sometimes I feel an experience has helped me and

e connect, then find out she did not feel that way AT ALL, which

invalidates my whole memory of the experience.

You ... YOU you have not lived a lie,

HE has. and successfully. and it was a good thing he did!

He's AS and didn't know it. He's spent all this time feeling like he was

alone and broken and didn't want you to know how he felt. Now he has this

diagnosis as an explanation and is finally openning up to you and sharing

what he's been feeling the whole time. If anythign, this is a new beginning

for you as a couple and for him as a human.. He's exploring concepts and

ideas he's basically been sweeping under the carpet for decades. He'll

need a few years to mature in those areas now that he's openning the door

to them. It'll be rough, but I think if you can give him the benefit of

the doubt and assume that if something hurts you, you didn't understand

the way he meant it.. if you can meet him half way and try to deal with

him objectively, and be open and honest with him about how what he says

is makign you feel without actually expressing the emotion (not saying

it's RIGHT.. I know now that it's NOT right, but it is what HE NEEDS to

... " catch up " to your emoti! onal matur!

ity .. that is your ability to feel and understand emotions WITHOUT analyzing

them)

This is my opinion.. I don't know how this is going to come across.. alot

of times my wife will get on and sort of " translate " what I'm

trying to say into English.. but anyway, that's my 2 cents.

Usarian

Quoting blonde_61 :

> Hi,

>

> My name is Lena & I am new to Aspires & I have never belonged

to

> any

> other forums so forgive me if I make some mistakes.

> My husband (47 years old) was recently diagnosed with AS. We

>

> have been married nearly 24 years. Our relationship has been up &

>

> down during these years. What I am having most difficulty with is

>

> the emotional side of things. He told me a couple of weeks ago

> that

> he has trouble understanding emotions & that he doesn't know

> what 'love' is. He said that he thinks he loves me but does not

> know

> whether he is 'in' love with me. He also said that he has never

> felt

> that he has bonded with our two children (19 & 21) like he sees

> other

> parents bonding with theirs. I feel like I have lived a lie all

> these years & I feel like my heart has been torn out.

> Can anyone help with coping strategies & do you think he will

> understand love one day?

> I am sure I will get a lot from this forum.

>

> Thanks & Regards,

>

> Lena.

> PS. Happy New Year to all.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe,

I am looking forward to seeing what you get out of the seminar with

Maxine Aston.

I don't blame either AS or NT for relationship problems but I can tell

you I'm soooo confused at the moment.

Regards,

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Lena,

I hope you are just about coping, we are all thinking of you.

I e-mailed Maxine Aston last night (I applied for the workshop ages

ago but heard nothing) and her secretary replied saying that my name

is on the list, I just need to send the money, which I will do in the

next few days, so looks pretty hopeful that I will be attending the

workshop! It's 2 days at 6th/7th Feb, so just over a month away. I

take it you're not a UK resident, otherwise I'd recommend that you

might benefit from attending too? I really hope I find it useful.

I don't see it as an answer to all my problems and I know that not all

NT/AS relationship problems are due to the AS. I think they're due to

both and probably due to other factors also. I'm sure the AS partner

finds it just as difficult to cope with the NT as the other way round.

I appreciate what other people have said about how AS is not

pathological but just a different cognitive style and I agree.

Really, all I'm hoping is that I can meet other women who can relate

to some of the difficulties I'm having and learn some coping

strategies. As the workshop isn't far from where my parents live, I'm

seeing it as a golden opportunity, to be honest.

What I can't fathom out is how exactly has made me feel

" emotionally deprived " , if that's what it is. He has always been

thoughtful and attentive. I guess it is just what I've said before,

that he is very dependent and needy and I often just don't feel that

my needs are met. In a practical and material way, he treats me like

a princess, but there are times when I do feel it's a lot of effort to

talk to him.

He does have some difficulty with emotions too. Although he insists

that he loves me and I believe him, he has difficulties with concepts

such as ambivalence. He has difficulty understanding that you can

feel two emotions at once. I gave him an example of how someone might

be hurt by someone they care about (which he can definitely relate to

now :o/ ). I said that they might feel sad or angry, but deep down

they still feel love for the person. I think he got it but I'm not

sure. Some times I find it difficult to know whether he has

understood something or not. I guess we should probably be a bit more

open about it.

Anyway, if I do definitely go to Maxine's workshop then I promise I

will share what I've learnt with everyone on here.

Take care,

Chloe.

>

> Hi Chloe,

>

> I am looking forward to seeing what you get out of the seminar with

> Maxine Aston.

>

> I don't blame either AS or NT for relationship problems but I can tell

> you I'm soooo confused at the moment.

>

> Regards,

>

> Lena.

>

[Guest guest]

Greg and Usarian, I wanted to thank you both for your posts. You

both write in a caring and sensitive way. And you seem pretty well

grounded as you find your way in a mostly NT world and I appreciate

your comments that seem honest and without arrogance. I hope you

both keep posting. Verleen

>

> Usarian,

>

> From one AS to another all I can say is very well stated. You have

put

> into words exactly what I perceive and feel although I have

probably not

> made as much progress as you and your wife have.

>

> The broken feeling stems from the inability to bond with others

with whom

> we have intimate relationships. From your note I believe you

really

> understand how that feels.

>

> To the NTs on the list struggling with their AS partners, I hope

this

> answers some of the questions regarding how an AS might explain

their

> behaviour and their avoidance of situations and certain issues.

>

> Greg

> DX AS at 53

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Chloe,

I joked to my husband the other night that I was going to book a

ticket to the UK for the 6/7th Feb (I'm from Australia) to attend

Maxine's seminar. I wish I had the money because I think it would be

very intersting. My husband agrees with the Cassandra Affect but only

in undiagnosed cases of AS.

My husband & I have booked into a Workshop in March on Couple

Relationships by Prof. Tony Attwood. I'm looking forward to it, it

won't come soon enough.

I have had a better day today, we have been talking a lot more about

AS. It is difficult because I'm very emotional and half the time he

can't understand what I'm getting upset about & then it stresses him

out, it becomes a vicious circle.

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Serena,

I'm from Baulkham Hills, I noticed you were from Sydney too. What

area?

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

I appreciate all your feedback. It helps me to understand my husband

and AS a little bit better. At least I know he & I are not the only

ones experiencing these difficulties.

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Lena,

I am in the Baulkham Hills area as well.

Happy to email you off list if you think it appropriate.

Greg

DX AS at 53

" blonde_61 "

Sent by: aspires-relationships

04/01/2009 12:04 PM

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Hi Greg,

I appreciate all your feedback. It helps me to understand my husband

and AS a little bit better. At least I know he & I are not the only

ones experiencing these difficulties.

Lena.

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

Small world. You are welcome to email me. You may notice my husband

has joined this group (he belongs to heaps of other groups) he must

have thought I was having too much fun on this group so he came to see

that I wasn't bagging him too much (lol only joking).

Is your wife a part of this group?

Lena.