I never know what we're fighting about

[Guest guest]

Hello. I've never posted here, but I'm frustrated this evening and

need advice. My boyfriend and I have a usually-wonderful

relationship. We are opposites who compliment each other well, but

of course we have occasional squabble. I am not diagnosed with

Asperger's, but we have our strong suspicions. My sister, niece, and

father are all on the spectrum and I teach an autism class, so I'm

not bad at recognizing the signs!

The problem is that half the time, when my boyfriend and I argue, I

have no idea that we're arguing, or when the argument starts, or what

it's about. I simply notice that he's not said anything to me for a

while. (He's a talker, so that's rare.) Then I notice that when I

say something to him, he answers in one syllable.

If I ignore the problem, it goes on for HOURS. He mono-syllables me

to death and I can't stand it. We have extremely limited time

together as it is and I hate when hours of it are wasted because he

wants to be mad and speak in grunts when I have NO IDEA what he's mad

about.

But if I address the problem, he gets really mad and says something

along the lines of, " Leave it alone! " As if it's a topic I've been

hounding to death. When in actuality I haven't mentioned it at all!

The few times I've gotten more than that out of him, he's expressed

that he believes I know perfectly well why he's mad at me, and I just

want to rehash it over and over. When actually I'm totally in the

dark.

Do any of you have this problem with your partners? How do you

convince them that you're not magically aware of their feelings and

intentions and sometimes need a little clarification?

Thanks,

-

[Guest guest]

Not meaning to be flippant but... RUN. When a man acts like a woman with PMS you need a new man. Look up passive aggressive and see if any of that fits your boyfriend. Also narcissism. Your boyfriend sounds like my husband. Not fun. I didn't even know there was a problem until several years into marriage. Because I was completely naive and had no clue about appropriate behaviors. You might read the book 'Safe People' by Cloud and Townsend that was really helpful to me in interpreting who is safe and who is not in my life. How to recognize safe behaviors and what behaviors mean, etc. It's Christian based but has lots of good info and easy to read even if you are not Christian. (What I mean to say is if you aren't Christian it's fairly easy to just filter through and get the info you are looking for if you want.)

Jennie AS

[Guest guest]

someone said:

The problem is that half the time, when my boyfriend and I argue, I have no idea that we're arguing, or when the argument starts, or what it's about. I simply notice that he's not said anything to me for a while. (He's a talker, so that's rare.) Then I notice that when I say something to him, he answers in one syllable.

me here:

half the time?

what happens the other half the time?

do you remember then?

is this a serious problem of not remembering which may not be AS

related or is it an economy of effort on your part in as much as you do know what caused the argument but are pretending not to in an attempt to get attention from him and this list?

why do you only remember half the time?

so, to clarify so as to not cause offence.

it could be a serious problem ( 50% memory loss rate) or an attempt at attention seeking behviour on your part.

can you answer the question..why only half the time?

37 m diagnosed AS suspect i missed a figure of speech here.

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[Guest guest]

<< Look up passive aggressive and see if any of that fits your

boyfriend. Also narcissism. >>

It really doesn't. The behavior isn't pervasive; that's why it

baffles me when it does crop up.

<< half the time? what happens the other half the time?

do you remember then? >>

The problem isn't forgetting, it's that part of the time, I know what

he's mad about (or what I'm mad about), but part of the time, I

don't. And it's probably not exactly 50% -- so not technically half --

but I've never kept data on it.

Let me clarify my question. Sometimes, when my boyfriend and I

squabble (which we do, oh, maybe once a week or so -- not big blow-

ups but small irritations) -- I know exactly why. He's left the milk

out. Or I've forgotten to charge the phone. Something totally stupid

that we both know is stupid.

There are other times, though, where he gets mad and quiet like his

feelings are hurt, and I have no idea what I've done or what he

perceives that I've done.

What I'm asking is, is this because I'm missing some behavioral cue

from him that should be letting me know that I've done something that

hurt his feelings or upset him? Or is he really just more mysterious

than he thinks he is?

Thanks.

-

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

It's hard to tell from the description you give, whether you are missing something, or whether he is not communicating his feelings well, or whether he is overreacting in some inappropriate manner or whether you are underreacting, or whether it may be some combination He may have difficulting communicating emotion about certain things. You may be missing his cues, or he may be acting irrationally to the extent that your not understanding is actually logical.

Once he finally tells you what it is about -- I am hoping that eventually does happen or you eventually do come to learn the reason? can you discern a pattern? In other words, is it related to money, or cleaning, or sex, or food, or going out in public, or jealousy, or something else?

I would definitely trying talking to him (at a later point, when you two are once again getting along), and without passing judgment, let him know that you felt clueless about what was bothering him and try to get him to talk. That might solve the problem. If not (or even if it does) I would also if I were you, want to keep track of these sorts of episodes, and see if you can discern a pattern that might be informative.

I don't think you can really know what's going on without asking him. And if you can't ask him -- or if asking him is totally unproductive -- that should also tell you something about the relationship that will hopefully be helpful.

Best,

Re: I never know what we're fighting about

<< Look up passive aggressive and see if any of that fits your boyfriend. Also narcissism. >>It really doesn't. The behavior isn't pervasive; that's why it baffles me when it does crop up. << half the time? what happens the other half the time?do you remember then? >>The problem isn't forgetting, it's that part of the time, I know what he's mad about (or what I'm mad about), but part of the time, I don't. And it's probably not exactly 50% -- so not technically half --but I've never kept data on it. Let me clarify my question. Sometimes, when my boyfriend and I squabble (which we do, oh, maybe once a week or so -- not big blow-ups but small irritations) -- I know exactly why. He's left the milk out. Or I've forgotten to charge the phone. Something totally stupid that we both know is stupid.There are other times, though, where he gets mad and quiet like his feelings are hurt, and I have no idea what I've done or what he perceives that I've done.What I'm asking is, is this because I'm missing some behavioral cue from him that should be letting me know that I've done something that hurt his feelings or upset him? Or is he really just more mysterious than he thinks he is?Thanks.-

[Guest guest]

,I would like to add my two bits of information. When we ( and I) got into a "fight", I am the one that gets it started because somethings not right with the "way" I am feeling. I could be sitting down (that it where I am 90% of the time) and something will just rub me wrong and I just want shout about it. I learned to put a lid on the matter, put on a set of headphones (one that has two ear pieces), and relax to my favorite music or videos. After a few songs, I am content and can talk to or not explode. Otherwise, I end up wanting to leave the situation and it does not matter where or how fast we are going (yes, it is not a good thing, but I just want to get out of the situation and my mind does not think about the results getting out of the car at whatever speed if we are in the car!).Maybe that is

going on with your boyfriend. I am just looking at it from one facet.. I can not read body language very well (truth be told, next to nil), and have a very hard time talking when she is mad at me. L.. Walters

[Guest guest]

Jennie said:<< Look up passive aggressive and see if any of that fits your boyfriend. Also narcissism. >> answered: It really doesn't. The behavior isn't pervasive; that's why it baffles me when it does crop up.

Jennie: Coming from my own perspective as someone who is AS.... if you are AS how would you know if his behavior is pervasive if he's being passive aggressive? I didn't see it for years in my husband because I don't see subtleties. Sometimes don't see things that aren't subtle. The very nature of passive aggressive is that they do things in such a way that it is not direct, that does not compute for an AS person because we tend to be very direct. It took me 8 yrs of marriage, finding out I had AS, learning about AS for 2 years, then reading numerous books about what is 'normal' behavior before I was able to see that my husband was not being 'normal'. It took me even longer to then recognize passive aggressive and 5 years later I am still having light bulb moments where I see that certain behaviors of his are/were passive aggressive. So all I'm saying is.. if you are AS you may not SEE his passive aggressiveness. Not saying he is, since obviously I don't know the guy, just your initial post description sounded like a scenario from my own life. > said: What I'm asking is, is this because I'm missing some behavioral cue from him that should be letting me know that I've done something that hurt his feelings or upset him? Or is he really just more mysterious than he thinks he is?<

Jennie: You are the only one who can decide this. You have to look inside yourself and honestly evaluate whether or not you really do know what he is upset about or if you really don't know. If you really, really, honestly, swear on whatever is holy to you, do not know, then clearly you've missed some cues.

Men aren't generally mysterious. Men are generally straightforward and much more black and white. That's why there are folks theorizing about AS and testosterone connections. As a women with AS I have always understood and gotten along better with men than with women. For this very reason, that by and large men are not complicated. Women are complicated, mysterious, confusing. Men are more bottom line, lets' get the job done. Jennie

[Guest guest]

jennie said:

Jennie: You are the only one who can decide this. You have to look inside yourself and honestly evaluate whether or not you really do know what he is upset about or if you really don't know. If you really, really, honestly, swear on whatever is holy to you, do not know, then clearly you've missed some cues.

me here : i would tend to agree..., from the info supplied i dont think there may be a problem in him.

it is entirely possible that your doing something to annoy him and not even aware of it.

37 m diagnosed AS never annoyed anyone....everyone likes me all of the time.

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[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

<< Men aren't generally mysterious. Men are generally straightforward

and much more black and white. That's why there are folks theorizing

about AS and testosterone connections. As a women with AS I have always

understood and gotten along better with men than with women. For this

very reason, that by and large men are not complicated. Women are

complicated, mysterious, confusing. Men are more bottom line, lets' get

the job done. >>

I wouldn't necessarily attribute this to testosterone. Much of this

behavior is learned, and based on how boys are socialized to succeed in

the world.

I definitely agree with you about finding it easier to connect with

males. The female friends that I do have express similar sentiments.

That's us -- just one big collective male brain. LOL

Personally, I would prefer to cultivate more female friendships of this

type, as I find they are more enduring.

As much as I understand and get along with males, the friendships tend

to be far more fragile because so many guys prefer for such friendships

to evolve in a sexual direction. If the woman isn't interested, he then

feels rejected and ceases to put any further energy into the friendship.

<sigh>

Best,

~CJ