Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Yes, yes, yes -- I can REALLY relate to what you wrote! I was an only child, so I was alternately split black and white -- but even among my " white persona " there was never any acknowledgement of weakness or vulnerability, or of having feelings at all. I was always being told how strong I was, because that's what my nada needed me to be, from a very young age. SHE was the only one who was allowed to have feelings, or react emotionally to anything, or to be weak, or be uncertain or afraid and need reassurance. It was my primary job in life to comfort her and help her cope.... I've often felt like, even as a small girl, she expected me to take on the qualities of a grown man and saw herself as physically smaller, weaker and more " feminine " than I was. (To this day, she still can't acknowledge her physical stature and refuses to buy clothes in her actual size!) She was the only one allowed to have " female " qualities -- things like gentleness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, insecurities or any emotional frailty.... Of course, I know men have all these qualities, too -- duh! But it's like she expected me to take on this stereotypical " husband " role with her and always projected this image onto me where I was both emotionally and physically stronger than she was -- and really only alive on this earth to support her emotionally, kill bugs and open jars! The creepiest part is, when I'm split white she'll adopt this totally helpless, passive, needy persona and give up all power and control and just rely on me for everything -- I guess that's the Waif. Then, when I'm black again, she'll turn back into a typical Queen and just want to totally dominate and control everything -- UTTER domination is the only way she knows how to be strong. Yuck! Either way, I HAD to be strong through her eyes -- either I was only there to support the Waif, or I was this cruel evil villian who had to be taken down and forced to submit to the Queen. I HAVE taken this false " strong " self-image out into the world, and it's cost me a lot. In my first marriage, I was the sole breadwinner and took on all the typical " husband and father " responsibilities, even though it was really too much for me to handle. It's still VERY hard for me to show my vulnerabilities to people, even the people I love -- and professionally it's cost me, too, because I tend to take on more than I can handle, and find it almost impossible to ask for help, since I've been trained to believe there IS NO help, and that I'm " strong enough " to handle anything.... Anyhow, thanks so much for bringing this up, Walking. I'm realizing this is another HUGE flea for me! Shana being the strong one To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Hi, how are you today? I lurk a lot here, and get alot of > strength and insight from this group. Thank you all for working > so hard at yourselves and having the courage to heal and try to > break away from old patterns. Today I feel like posting, I have > been thinking about how I always had to present this strong, > unbreakable outer shell to the world of FOO, and therefore the > rest of the world. Are the split-black/bad ones of us more > likely to have to be the " strong one " ? > Nada would always tell me things like " oh you're strong, you > can handle it " and any feelings or vulnerabilities I had would > be swept under the rug because " you are so strong " , " you are the > strong one " . I had this shell that I took out into the world, > like I can handle anything. It has taken me a long time to > realize alot happened to me that was too hard for me to handle. > Only now can I feel the pain from all the past hurts. > > Walking to happiness. > > > --------------------------------- > Have a burning question? Go to Yahoo! Answers and get answers > from real people who know. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Shana & Walking to Happiness -- Ditto! You guys hit the nail on the head with your descriptions of our assigned roles in the BPD drama!! My mom alternates between the Waif and the Queen/Witch. I don't want to be around her, and have been r/c for months. It feels strange and I sometimes fight feelings of shame for being a bad daughter until I remind myself of the facts (something my BPD mother didn't teach me to do!). The fact is it is very difficult to manage the minefield of manipulation and faultfinding, rage and pity that they spread around. I can't relate to who she is. And yes, " she's my mother " , and that's sad. But it does not therefore follow that I'm to be her sacrificial lamb. I don't exist to drop everything to run and comfort her, squelching my feelings to wrap her up in an " emotional blanket " (UBM) of protection from the real world. Nor am I willing to be a willing target of her Silent Treatment any longer. She can silent herself into the next decade without me -- I wish her well. -Kyla > > Yes, yes, yes -- I can REALLY relate to what you wrote! > > I was an only child, so I was alternately split black and white -- but even among my " white persona " there was never any acknowledgement of weakness or vulnerability, or of having feelings at all. I was always being told how strong I was, because that's what my nada needed me to be, from a very young age. SHE was the only one who was allowed to have feelings, or react emotionally to anything, or to be weak, or be uncertain or afraid and need reassurance. > > It was my primary job in life to comfort her and help her cope.... I've often felt like, even as a small girl, she expected me to take on the qualities of a grown man and saw herself as physically smaller, weaker and more " feminine " than I was. (To this day, she still can't acknowledge her physical stature and refuses to buy clothes in her actual size!) She was the only one allowed to have " female " qualities -- things like gentleness, sensitivity, intuitiveness, insecurities or any emotional frailty.... Of course, I know men have all these qualities, too -- duh! But it's like she expected me to take on this stereotypical " husband " role with her and always projected this image onto me where I was both emotionally and physically stronger than she was -- and really only alive on this earth to support her emotionally, kill bugs and open jars! > > The creepiest part is, when I'm split white she'll adopt this totally helpless, passive, needy persona and give up all power and control and just rely on me for everything -- I guess that's the Waif. Then, when I'm black again, she'll turn back into a typical Queen and just want to totally dominate and control everything -- UTTER domination is the only way she knows how to be strong. Yuck! > > Either way, I HAD to be strong through her eyes -- either I was only there to support the Waif, or I was this cruel evil villian who had to be taken down and forced to submit to the Queen. > > I HAVE taken this false " strong " self-image out into the world, and it's cost me a lot. In my first marriage, I was the sole breadwinner and took on all the typical " husband and father " responsibilities, even though it was really too much for me to handle. It's still VERY hard for me to show my vulnerabilities to people, even the people I love -- and professionally it's cost me, too, because I tend to take on more than I can handle, and find it almost impossible to ask for help, since I've been trained to believe there IS NO help, and that I'm " strong enough " to handle anything.... > > Anyhow, thanks so much for bringing this up, Walking. I'm realizing this is another HUGE flea for me! > > Shana > > > > > > > > being the strong one > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Hi, how are you today? I lurk a lot here, and get alot of > > strength and insight from this group. Thank you all for working > > so hard at yourselves and having the courage to heal and try to > > break away from old patterns. Today I feel like posting, I have > > been thinking about how I always had to present this strong, > > unbreakable outer shell to the world of FOO, and therefore the > > rest of the world. Are the split-black/bad ones of us more > > likely to have to be the " strong one " ? > > Nada would always tell me things like " oh you're strong, you > > can handle it " and any feelings or vulnerabilities I had would > > be swept under the rug because " you are so strong " , " you are the > > strong one " . I had this shell that I took out into the world, > > like I can handle anything. It has taken me a long time to > > realize alot happened to me that was too hard for me to handle. > > Only now can I feel the pain from all the past hurts. > > > > Walking to happiness. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Have a burning question? Go to Yahoo! Answers and get answers > > from real people who know. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Yes I can relate to this. She often referred to me as the strong one. Or the one who remembers people the caring one. Or the one to pick things up. Like on her birthday it was my responsibility from as long as I can recall to set up her birthday parties. This was a pretty big job for a small girl. I was the one to remember to call the friends, to decorate, to buy the decorations, to make the cake. It was me. This was a big task. When I moved out and went n/c it was 3 years before anybody remembered her birthday. She rubbed it in my face and it hurt like I was neglecting my daughterly responsibilities. It was a lot to take on as a kid and it still would have been a lot to take on as a new mother of 2. But who was I to complain I was the strong one. Of course this is just something small this is nothing compared to some of the more major things she has done in our relationship but it still hurts. I can think of other things to that are more sever but this one is an example that really rubs me the wrong way. It may seem insignificant to many people but to me it was hurtful. Lizzy > > Hi, how are you today? I lurk a lot here, and get alot of strength and insight from this group. Thank you all for working so hard at yourselves and having the courage to heal and try to break away from old patterns. Today I feel like posting, I have been thinking about how I always had to present this strong, unbreakable outer shell to the world of FOO, and therefore the rest of the world. Are the split-black/bad ones of us more likely to have to be the " strong one " ? > Nada would always tell me things like " oh you're strong, you can handle it " and any feelings or vulnerabilities I had would be swept under the rug because " you are so strong " , " you are the strong one " . I had this shell that I took out into the world, like I can handle anything. It has taken me a long time to realize alot happened to me that was too hard for me to handle. > Only now can I feel the pain from all the past hurts. > > Walking to happiness. > > > --------------------------------- > Have a burning question? Go to Yahoo! Answers and get answers from real people who know. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Lizzy, I'm so sorry that you had to be the mother to your mother and that is really sick of her to make you do. It sends two messages, 1., that your birthday is not as important as hers and that you're the mother, not her. you're responsible/she's not. I'm sorry. You deserve better than that, Lizzy. Love, Greg. --- lizzyboo81 wrote: > Yes I can relate to this. She often referred to me > as the strong > one. Or the one who remembers people the caring one. > Or the one to > pick things up. Like on her birthday it was my > responsibility from > as long as I can recall to set up her birthday > parties. This was a > pretty big job for a small girl. I was the one to > remember to call > the friends, to decorate, to buy the decorations, to > make the cake. > It was me. This was a big task. When I moved out and > went n/c it was > 3 years before anybody remembered her birthday. She > rubbed it in my > face and it hurt like I was neglecting my daughterly > > responsibilities. It was a lot to take on as a kid > and it still > would have been a lot to take on as a new mother of > 2. But who was I > to complain I was the strong one. Of course this is > just something > small this is nothing compared to some of the more > major things she > has done in our relationship but it still hurts. I > can think of > other things to that are more sever but this one is > an example that > really rubs me the wrong way. It may seem > insignificant to many > people but to me it was hurtful. Lizzy > > > > > > Hi, how are you today? I lurk a lot here, and get > alot of > strength and insight from this group. Thank you all > for working so > hard at yourselves and having the courage to heal > and try to break > away from old patterns. Today I feel like posting, I > have been > thinking about how I always had to present this > strong, unbreakable > outer shell to the world of FOO, and therefore the > rest of the > world. Are the split-black/bad ones of us more > likely to have to be > the " strong one " ? > > Nada would always tell me things like " oh you're > strong, you can > handle it " and any feelings or vulnerabilities I had > would be swept > under the rug because " you are so strong " , " you are > the strong > one " . I had this shell that I took out into the > world, like I can > handle anything. It has taken me a long time to > realize alot > happened to me that was too hard for me to handle. > > Only now can I feel the pain from all the past > hurts. > > > > Walking to happiness. > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Have a burning question? Go to Yahoo! Answers and > get answers from > real people who know. > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business. http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/r-index Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Greg, I never thought about the reasons it bothered me so much but when you put it that way you are right. Thank you. I guess I just brushed it off because like I said it was one if the smaller things she has done but even the smaller things still matter. Thank you for the validation. Love, Lizzy > > > > > > Hi, how are you today? I lurk a lot here, and get > > alot of > > strength and insight from this group. Thank you all > > for working so > > hard at yourselves and having the courage to heal > > and try to break > > away from old patterns. Today I feel like posting, I > > have been > > thinking about how I always had to present this > > strong, unbreakable > > outer shell to the world of FOO, and therefore the > > rest of the > > world. Are the split-black/bad ones of us more > > likely to have to be > > the " strong one " ? > > > Nada would always tell me things like " oh you're > > strong, you can > > handle it " and any feelings or vulnerabilities I had > > would be swept > > under the rug because " you are so strong " , " you are > > the strong > > one " . I had this shell that I took out into the > > world, like I can > > handle anything. It has taken me a long time to > > realize alot > > happened to me that was too hard for me to handle. > > > Only now can I feel the pain from all the past > > hurts. > > > > > > Walking to happiness. > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > > Have a burning question? Go to Yahoo! Answers and > > get answers from > > real people who know. > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > > removed] > > > > > > > > > > > > > > _____________________________________________________________________ _______________ > Want to start your own business? > Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business. > http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/r-index > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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