Witty Astrology

[Guest guest]

Hi All:

Quick preface, I don't know most of your signs so there's certainly nothing personal meant in here (especially for the incredibly sensitive who think everything is meant for them), okay?

This is very funny. I don't know this guy nor have I ever used him as an astrologer but I got a huge laugh out of his email this morning and thought I'd share the laughter for those of you who have ones you love and wish that little quirk would unquirk itself.

Much Love,

Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Newsletter"The task of genius, and humanity is nothing if not genius, is to keep the miracle alive, to live always in the miracle, to make the miracle more and more miraculous, to swear allegiance to nothing, but live only miraculously, think only miraculously, die miraculously." -Henry , The Colossus of Maroussi+December 28, 2005+http://www.freewillastrology.com+EXPLORE THE BIG PICTURE OF YOUR LIFEwith my Expanded Audio Horoscopes for the Coming YearHow can you best cooperate with the opportunities and challenges that 2006 will bring you? What are the blessings that life is likely to offer you as a spur to your growth? Would you like some inspiration as you survey your destiny from the mountaintop perspective? This week, last week, and next week, I'm exploring the BIG PICTURE of your life in my Expanded Audio Horoscopes. If, like most of us, you slip into a philosophical, visionary mood at the end of each year, you might appreciate my meditations on your long-term destiny.Your BIG PICTURE horoscopes are available here:http://snipurl.com/krjmFor Part Two, click on "Hear This Week's Horoscope." For Part One, click on "Last Week."***********************************************Here's an excerpt from my book *PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings*available at http://snipurl.com/krjjor find out more at http://www.freewillastrology.comTHE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF STORIESThe poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is composed of stories, not of atoms. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not of matter.And we believe that if you habitually expose yourself to toxic stories and music, you could wind up living in the wrong universe, where it's impossible to become the gorgeous genius you were born to be.That's why we implore you to nourish yourself with delicious, nutritious tales and tunes that inspire you to exercise your willpower for your highest good.*"The only war that matters is the war against the imagination.All other wars are subsumed by it."-Diane DiPrima, "Rant," from *Pieces of a Song**Astrologer Caroline Casey offers an apt metaphor to illustrate how crucial it is for us to hear and read good stories. She notes that if we don't have enough of the normal, healthy kind of iodine in our bodies, we absorb radioactive iodine, which has entered the food chain through nuclear test explosions conducted in the atmosphere. Similarly, unless we fill ourselves up with stories that invigorate us, we're more susceptible to sopping up the poisonous, degenerative narratives.*How did it come to be that what we call the news is reported solely by journalists? There are so many other kinds of events besides the narrow band favored by that highly specialized brand of storytellers. Indeed, there are many phenomena that can literally not evenbe perceived by journalists. Their training, their temperament, and their ambitions make vast areas of human experience invisible to them."Ninety-six percent of the cosmos puzzles astronomers." I loved reading that headline on the CNN website. It showed that at least some of our culture's equivalents of high priests, the scientists, are humble enough to acknowledge that the universe is made mostly of stuff they can't even detect, let alone study.If only the journalists were equally modest. Since they're not, we'll say it: The majority of everything that happens on this planet is invisible to them.*"The news flies down its beam of dusted light." -Osip Mandelstam+To read other pieces from the book, go here:http://freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main145.shtmlTo buy the book, use the links to Amazon.com and and Noble, which are on my homepage at http://www.freewillastrology.comOr cut and paste the direct links below:AMAZONhttp://snipurl.com/krjjBARNES & NOBLEhttp://snipurl.com/krjn**********************************************FREE WILL ASTROLOGYWeek beginning December 29Copyright 2005 by Rob Brezsny http://www.freewillastrology.comGrammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*ARIES (March 21-April 19): Thai coffee salesman Prayoon Thongiorn owns a pet crocodile. So thoroughly has he tamed the creature that he lets it sleeps in his bed with him, even resting his head on it as if it were a pillow. I predict that you will make a comparable conquest in 2006, Aries. Some dragonish influence that would be risky for most people to harbor will become your ally. Congratulations in advance on both your courage and the ingenuity you will summon to wrestle that beast into submission.TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "We live in a world with too much music," writes Joe Nickell at Missoulian.com. He's bothered by the fact that everywhere he goes, there are tunes pouring from cell phones and mp3 players and TVs and radios and live bands. As far as you're concerned, though, Nickell is utterly off-base. In 2006, you should take advantage of the profusion; you should immerse yourself in music more than you ever have before. To do so will be instrumental in helping you accomplish your top assignment in the coming months, which is to feel deep, rich, interesting emotions as often as possible.GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Many Geminis fit the description of a class of people that *Wired* magazine calls "yeppies," or "young experimenting perfection seekers." Overwhelmed by a profusion of conflicting opportunities, they are restless and insatiable. They treat life "as an exercise in comparison shopping, refusing to commit for fear of missing a better offer." While this approach is pretty normal for your tribe, I suspect it won't work as well in 2006 as it has for you in the past. That's why I urge you to try out some very different attitudes: a tolerance for imperfection, a respect for limits, an appreciation for the value of peace of mind, and a willingness to concentrate on just two or three possibilities instead of 17.CANCER (June 21-July 22): The coming months will not be a time for less talk and more action, my fellow Cancerian, but for *more* talk and more action. Here are other prescriptions to help you get the most out of 2006: Go on wilder adventures and entertain fewer superstitions. Indulge in fewer mood swings and invest in an experience that will serve as the best anchor you've ever had. Explore your secrets more aggressively, but keep fewer secrets. Work harder to know the difference between true intuitions and fearful delusions. Feel less remorse and more forgiveness. Cultivate wetter love and dryer humor. Commit yourself to faster promise-keeping and slower fault-finding.LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I know people who love the feeling of family but who don't have much contact with their parents and siblings and haven't started their own broods. Instead, they quench their longing for an intimate network by hooking up with a spiritual family--a tribe of like-minded people who share their values. The coming months will be prime time for you to either find a group like that or, if you already have one, to deepen and expand your web of connections. You don't have to sacrifice your relations with your biological kin to do so. The more family you have, the better your mental health will be.VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In her book *Women Who Run With the Wolves,* Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks a lot about fairy tales. As a psychotherapist, she recognizes that the conditions they depict are similar to how the deepest part of the psyche works. A central theme of fairy tale justice, she says, is that it's always a good idea to be kind to people who don't seem important or beautiful or cool. Characters who honor that principle are invariably rewarded, while those who spurn it are punished. This will be a key idea for you in 2006, Virgo. You can't afford to dismiss those you consider your inferiors, nor should you demonize the less attractive aspects of your own nature. Your success will hinge on the care you take with underdogs.**********************************************YOUR FORECAST FOR 2006Normally my Expanded Audio Horoscopes cover just a week at a time. But this week, last week, and next week, I am offering explorations of the entire year ahead. To hear part one (or last week's part two) of my IN-DEPTH, LONG-TERM FORECAST FOR YOUR LIFE IN 2006, check out your Expanded Audio Horoscope. The reading costs $6. For Web access, go here:http://snipurl.com/krjmYou can also get the readings by phone.From the United States, call 1-or if you prefer to pay by credit card1-If you live in Canada, call 1- to purchase a Block of Time with your credit card."Your audio horoscopes help me tune in to my own inner wisdom. It's like you're the UNteacher teaching me how to teach myself." Rose F., Ypsilanti, MI**********************************************LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I have selected a quote by Irish playwright n Behan to serve as your motto in 2006. I suggest that you write it out on a piece of red paper and place it in a prominent place like your bathroom mirror or computer monitor. "If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible," said Behan. "Don't hoard it. Don't dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke."SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Widely regarded as a top military historian, van Creveld has written books that have been influential in shaping modern theories of warfare. The U.S. Army makes his work required reading for its officers. That's why it was so remarkable when he described America's invasion of Iraq in 2003 as "the most foolish war since Emperor Augustus in 9 BC sent his legions into Germany and lost them." I urge you to regularly imitate Creveld's example in 2006, Scorpio: Speak out in dramatic fashion against the follies that your expertise gives you the right to critique. Drawing on your special experience and knowledge, make rigorous evaluations of the authorities and institutions whose decisions affect your life.SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "Dear Rob: I'm a very analytical person, with a doctorate in nuclear physics and a high-tech job. All my training and business savvy tell me that your astrology column is superstitious bullshit, yet every time I've faced a crisis in the last ten years, your horoscopes have provided accurate wisdom and counsel when things seemed darkest. On the one hand this makes no sense, and on the other hand I don't care that it doesn't make any sense. Somehow I'm able to draw sustenance from something whose power I don't understand or even believe in. In any case, thank you! -Humble Sagittarian Genius." Dear Sagittarius: In 2006, you Sagittarians will have the chance to benefit from many phenomena that fit the description you applied to my column. Open yourself wide to mystery.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Germany and the Soviet Union failed to sign a peace treaty after the global hostilities of the mid-20th century. Technically, then, World War II never officially ended. This lack of closure doesn't seem to have had any lingering repercussions, though, so I won't worry about it. On the other hand, there are unresolved situations from your past that are still causing you problems. In my astrological opinion, 2006 is an ideal time to finally wrap up all the unfinished business that has been subtly draining you. It's a perfect opportunity for the ultimate karmic cleansing, preferably carried out with grace, gratitude, and generosity.AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In 1503, wealthy silk merchant Francesco del Giocondo commissioned Leonardo da Vinci to paint a portrait of his wife . But when Leonardo finished the work, now known as the "Mona ," del Giocondo was so dissatisfied with it that he refused to pay for it. It seems he didn't recognize its value. I offer this as a teaching story for you, Aquarius. Please make sure that when you get what you ask for in 2006, you don't make the same mistake del Giocondo did. Eagerly welcome your dream-come-true, even if it's different from what you expected.PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In his book *The Disappearance of the Universe,* Renard quotes the counsel of his teacher: "A jet airliner is always going off course, but through constant correction it arrives at its destination. So will you arrive at yours." Remember that advice throughout 2006, Pisces. My analysis of the astrological omens suggests that you will be frequently straying from the path of your highest destiny, and yet that's exactly what needs to happen in order for you to reach your highest destiny. Forced to keep making regular adjustments, you will tone and strengthen your willpower, which is essential to you achieving the goals that really matter.*********************************************HOMEWORK: Make a guess about what kind of person you'll be and what you'll be doing on January 1, 2016. Testify by going to http://www.freewillastrology.com and clicking on "Email Rob."*********************************************WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?I'm not doing charts these days. In addition to writing my weekly column and expanded audio horoscopes, I'm also working on a CD and promoting my new book.But I can recommend a colleague whose astro-aesthetics closely match my own. She's RO LOUGHRAN.Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained intuition, emotional warmth, and a high degree of technical proficiency in horoscope interpretation; she is skilled at exploring the mysteries of your life's purpose and nurturing your connection with your own inner wisdom. Ro is based in California, but can do phone consultations and otherwise work with you regardless of geographic boundaries. Ro's website is at http://www.astrology-psychotherapy.com/She can also be reached at roloughran@...*********************************************NEED TO CHANGE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?To subscribe or unsubscribe to this newsletter, or to change the address where you receive it, go to:http://www.freewillastrology.com/newsletter/Once you do subscribe, be sure to add my address, televisionary@..., to your address book or spam filter "whitelist" so that my newsletter won't be treated as spam and filtered out. Or tell your company's IT group to allow this address to pass through any filtering software they may have set up.If my emails don't reach your inbox, you should also look in your "Bulk Mail" or "Junk Mail" folder.I totally respect your privacy. I'll never sell or give away your address to anyone.*********************************************Submissions sent to the Free Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter or in response to "homework assignments" may be published in a variety of formats at Rob Brezsny's discretion, including but not limited to newsletters, books, the Free Will Astrology column, and Free Will Astrology website. We reserve the right to edit such submissions for length, style, and content. Requests for anonymity will be honored with submissions; otherwise, reader names, screen names, or initials will be used. Please be sure to note your preference when sending to us. We are not responsible for unsolicited submission of any creative material.Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright 2005 Rob Brezsny********************************************You received this email because you subscribed to "Rob Brezsnys Astrology Newsletter"Unsubscribe:https://member.ezezine.com/sub.ez?e=756_2.3153.18148Subscriber settings:https://member.ezezine.com/sub.ez?c=756_2.3153.18148Report abuse:https://member.ezezine.com/abuse.ez?e=756_2.3153.18148

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