OT/ Sometimes ()

[Guest guest]

I heard you through the lonliness....My oh my, - you always have

a way with words. I understand what you mean by being alone,

sometimes it can get confused w/ lonlines - but, that is what it is

ALONE! Alone with all the thoughts. Sometimes, I prefer it that way

as I need to process the thoughts, fears, frustration, anger, a

burning need to connect with someone and at some points anyone. I

find myself walking away and sitting looking at the stars w/ why me

in the back of my mind, trying to plan what I might hopefully be able

to do(short list) wishing the best for loved ones, trying not to be

mad at the unsupportive people in my life and wonder how to deal with

that and them, all the what if's, and as I sit there looking up

seeing all of those stars and feeling insignifigant for a minute and

then realization sets in, but " I'm signifigant " , what about me? I

know that now a days it is suppose to be bad or something of the sort

to consider yourself, your value or worth per se. But, I ask

you...what is wrong with " what about me " , I'm the cook, I'm the maid,

I'm my own supposrt team, the supposrt team for everybody else, a

floor-mat, I'm the one who used to fill the house with laughter, with

ambience, made it a home instead of just a place to dwell - so what

about that, and again I say, what about me? What's my purpose? Why

am I here if this what was in the cards, what purpose could there be?

I had so many wishes and dreams that most likely will never be

fulfilled. (Some are bashed for good) The future... what on earth

could it possibly unfold that will be better? Then the nasty little

thought creeps back in about nothing being better, it will only be

bad, bad, bad. I think dismal is a little mellow in looking ahead,

but, not every minute of every day. (I think I saw a glimmer of hope

in the corner of my eye) LOL -nope, it was just my eye exploding!!! I

was really active up to a couple of years ago and now I'm just a blob

on the planet. I have never been able to claim that I'm optimistic.

In fact the only way I am optimistic is that I'm usually positive

that something negative will happen! I can still feel the sun though,

that is something, I guess. (remember that I probably shrank 3 inches

because I might be melting) I am in a relationship but have lost that

loving feeling. The distance between us is a million miles even

though we may be in bed next to each other. I'm not easy to love

anymore either. I'm fresh out of all that I had and all that I am. I

don't know what the future holds and yes I'm afraid. I don't want to

be sick anymore and I'm not ready to just lay down and die either.

Even so, I still wonder why. They say to let go and let God, easier

said than done. Don't question God, but I say that maybe I'm

stimulating his mind! They say that God doesn't give us more than we

can bear, but I sometimes think that he over estimated me! Now let's

just think about that for a moment - God over estimated me. Does

that mean that I under estimate myself? It very could well be. I

don't know. I find that I run into that a lot lately. I simply just

don't know. I'm the type of person that not knowing will drive

crazy. I have a grandson by my boyfriend's daughter and can't watch

him due to my physical limitations. That alone about does me in

thinking about it. I have a grandson on the way. I don't know that

I will be able to hold him or play with him, etc... It doesn' change

how much I love them - it only changes my physical involvement, such

as holding, picking up, bathing, etc.. But, that is a crucial part of

the bonding process. Yes, I am robbed of that and so is my innocent

little grandsons. Not fair to either of us. I don't have the answers

for myself or anyone else but, I can sure relate to the devastation

we all feel at one time or another. I try to keep in the back of my

mind that this is but a moment. Again easier said than done. I just

want you to know that you may be alone with your thoughts but, others

share in such thoughts and therefore out in the wilderness you are

not alone but joined!!! I'm glad I found you there! You have such

words of wisdom and a kind heart. You have so much to give even

though giving all the time can get tiresome. But, we are all better

people for it! I hope that today you will find some peace and

comfort. I hope that the future will be brighter and bring you a big

pretty package with a giant mega bow on top! I not only hope this but

pray that God may lend a helping hand and carry us through. God

Bless us all and may we take care of ourselves and each other.

XXX's Kim