WHY AM I BURIED ALIVE!!!

[Guest guest]

My name is Randy, and this is part of my story, Buried Alive!

 

To start my story i should begin in June of 1982.  My wife was seven months

pregnant with our last child. She wanted to stay home with the children and not

have to work, so i build a convince store adjacent to our home, so she could

care for it daytime until i got home. We lived in a small community so she was

not constantly busy by no means. However, without going into the specifics we

had an accidental fire just four months after we build it onto our new home. We

lost everything we owned, and my two little girls got out in their p.j's, but

lost their little dog. We were obviously devastated, but to make matters worst

we only had the balance of our mortgage insured. That's another story!  We had

put all of our money into the store, so we were really left with nothing! Little

did i know however, but this was just the beginning of nightmares that would

continue to this very day. We brought our children to church each week and

taught them

principals that would help them make right decisions when they were facing the

situations all children face. We were honest people and helped others in any way

we could. We even gave money to the church on a regular basis. We were not bad

people. I never understood to this day why our life was filled with so much

hardship!   

 

Twenty one years ago i was involved in a three car collision where my lifeless

body was taken from the wreck with the jaws of life.  It happened during the

course of my employment which automatically makes you a client of the Workers

Compensation Board. I was still relatively a young man but all of my life was

going to be one hardship after another that i could not understand from any

perspective. I could not comprehend any justification for so much sorrow, but

there was nothing i could do about it. Losing our home was devastating, leaving

us with no earthly possession's whatsoever.  However, now i was going to be

inflicted physically, without any mercy and forced to deal with an organization

relevant to my injury who had absolutely no code of morals or ethics whatsoever.

No matter how much soul searching i did, i could not find any justifiable reason

why my life had changed so dramatically and would continue to change in ways

that i would not only

suffer physically for the rest of my miserable days, but i would also

experience a mental agony and depression, beyond comprehension.

 

Every day i got progressively worst, and visiting doctors began until they were

to many to count. There was nothing that stood out or could be diagnosed as

something specific i was told. I had a very bad head injury during the accident

and was unconscious. I also had broken toes and black and blue all over my body.

I had major problem with my neck from day one, and the suffering over the years

from that part of my body was very intense.  It was obvious that i had suffered

a very severe concussion, however nothing was showing up on any of the test that

were done. I would continued to see everyone possible from a medical

perspective, but with the exception of medication for pain, there was nothing

that could be done. I would continue to attend various rehabilitation

programs, that was suppose to help me with living with this type of injury.

Nothing was of any benefit and the pain was mysteriously spreading to every part

of my body, from head to

toe. After approximately three years i was diagnosed with Severe Chronic Pain

Syndrome, and declared permanently disabled. I would never again return to the

workforce from any capacity. I was always a hard worker and loved to work, and

had a very active social life. The changes that would be in my social life, was

very hard to accept, and was a nightmare all of it's own!

I continued  to have more and more pain and it was now in every part of my body.

Eventually the medication that was prescribed was not sufficient and for the two

years i started smoking marijuana to help alleviate the pain, which was really

good and relaxing. I never thought that i would ever be using illegal drugs, but

it proved to be very effective and it was the best time that i felt since the

accident. I never took drugs at any time during my life and I was

always reminding my children the importance of staying away from it. It was a

rather awkward situation when they knew that i was using it.  I explained to

them that it helped with my pain and they understood when i explained to them

that i was only using it as another medication. I found it really good for pain,

using it in moderation, but the pain that i would have to endure for using it

was going to be very unique. I was again going to come very close to loosing

my life.. I woke

one morning around four am and i was not able to get my breath. My wife rushed

me to the hospital where we learned that i had a collapsed lung. At first they

said i had cancer. I had emergency lung surgery that took more than six hours.

All of this time my family was waiting, not knowing if i were going to live or

die. I remember it all very will until i went into surgery, and it was a

horrific experience. I was in the hospital for eight weeks, but finally pulled

through!  My poor family, they were always at my side during everything, but

they also suffered greatly. It was just in another way!! 

I tried very hard to tolerate the pain and work with the medication prescribed

for my chronic pain. Again as time passed i was suffering so much it was driving

me insane. I continued to ask my doctor for different medication, but he

repeatedly refused. I contacted the Commission over and over again and they

refused to get involved. They said that i had to abide with whatever decision my

doctor made. I repeatedly called my doctor. I continued to call the Workers

Compensation Board. I kept doing this for almost a month. It was evident that

they were not going to work with me from any angle. The time had come where my

cup was full and running over. I had reached my limit and I could take no

more.  The suffering was so intense. The stress associated with the previous

weeks had driven my pain to new levels. I tried everything i could!  I begged

and pleaded for someone to help me, but there was only silence. I

therefore concluded that I had to take

matters into my own hands because i just could not continue to live like this

any longer!

 

Despite the suffering, i had no desire to die. I loved my family very much, and

did not want to cause them anymore pain and grief.  But i could not continue to

live like this.  I contemplated it for a long time. I was not afraid of

death and something had to be done!  I got the various medications that i had,

and counted them all out. My wife was visiting with a friend, so unnoticeable to

her I went and got some yogourt that i could use with the medication so i would

not get sick and through them all up. We had a shower of the master bedroom, so

i locked the door and proceeded accordingly.  With tears running down my

face, knowing what i was going to inflict upon my family, just broke my heart. I

continued getting  a shower. I put on all clean clothes and i had no second

thoughts about putting an end to my suffering. I knew what i was inflicting upon

my family, but my mind was made up. I got the medication, asked God to forgive

me, and

bless my family and I lay down on my bed. As i lay there waiting to fall to

sleep, something kept telling me that i should say good bye to my wife and try

to explain why i was doing it, and to ask her to tell the children that i was

sorry but Dad loved them very very much.

My wife worked at the local hospital in emergency. When i walked out of the

bedroom and looked her in the eye, she knew what i had done before i even opened

my mouth. How i don't know, but i guess that she had seen it so many

times before at the hospital. However, as it played out and i was telling her

what i had done and that i just could not live like this anymore, she was

contacting the hospital, informing them of the situation and that she was

bringing her husband in with an overdose. She apparently lost no time. All i can

remember is driving for a short distance going very fast, and my mouth was dry

from the medication i had taken, and i was asking for chewing gum. I guess

that no time was loss, in getting me to the hospital and if she had been just a

couple minutes later, i guess i would not be writing this.  I had turned very

gray i learned, and her colleagues were expecting a code 9 to be called anytime,

indicating that i had died.  I was

on life support for about twenty five hours. One of the medications i took was

apparently very deadly when it comes to the heart. I was later told that if i

had taken just one more, they would not have been able to save me.

It breaks my heart as i think about my family watching me hooked up to every

machine in the hospital and so many people involved trying to save my life. My

two daughters were in university at the time, but took time of from their

studied immediately and came home. My son who was the youngest and still in high

school was evidently crushed. I could still cry thinking about it!  I had a very

close relationship with my son, but i loved them all very much. I knew what i

was inflicting upon my family, and i knew my son would utterly fall to pieces.

But i just could not go on any longer in the situation i was in. I did not die,

but for a whole month i was pleading with everyone who had any authority to

intervene and help me in some manner. But nobody would listen, nobody would

help, nobody cared!  I exhausted all other means before i was forced to take

such drastic measures. 

 

It was amazing that i lived, but i did. On life support for a day, two weeks in

hospital, i finally got their attention. They now put me on MS Contin and

another narcotic, and finally my pain was starting to get manageable.  Morphine

is still one of the drugs that i still take. Currently i am taking a lot of

different medications. I take 480mg of MS Contin every day. Pain is tolerable

these days, but my muscles and my neck causes so much aggravation. Based on the

previous paragraph it might appear that life was finally going to balance out.

 Life however, would always be a challenge in reference to pain management, but

you would think that things would start to improve with Workers Compensation.

Nothing could be further from the truth. There were so many times during the

next ten years that i wished i had died. The challenges still to come would be

harder than death itself.  Why!  Why!  Why!!  I would still become

more incapacitated! I

was yet to suffer the deepest of depressions combined with stress and severe

chronic pain. It is depressing just writing about it!   There were so many

hardships in my life that could have been avoided!  The organization WCB, who

was responsible for me, could have and should have, according to legislation,

made my life a whole lot easier.

 

However, it was five years since i overdosed and i had no correspondence with

the Commission whatsoever. It was 2003, my wife was working 12 hour shifts at

the hospital, my daughters were finished university and working. Therefore only

occasionally able to come home, and my son was in high school. Unable to do very

little, lonely and becoming more and more incapacitated, i started to fall into

a deep depression. Something that most of you who are reading this

can undoubtedly relate to!  Therefore i decided to write a letter to WCB and

endeavored to explain my depression. I informed them that i was felling like

someone with one foot in the grave and the other one out. I was very honest and

specific relating to my situation and that i was requesting their assistance in

some manner.  Not expecting to hear from them, i never gave it another thought.

Writing the letter however, did give me something that i could to do for a

little while.

 

My wife and i were sitting in the living room one afternoon when the door bell

rang. To my unbelief, it was my case worker from Workers Compensation, actually

coming to my home in response to the letter i had written just two weeks before.

Never during the previous 15 years, up to that point, did anyone from the

Commission ever come to my home for any reason. My wife and i were speechless!  

The lady came in and asked some questions relevant to the letter and how i was

currently feeling.  She appeared to be in no hurry to leave, and it was almost

three hours later before she did actually leave. We discussed what was available

in regards to rehabilitation, which was very little, now that she could see how

incapacitated i had become. We discussed the issue of personal hygiene, and how

it had become a great burden, and that some things i just could not do at

all.  We were very comfortable with this lady, because she appeared very

sympathetic and sincere in what could be done. As she was preparing to leave

our home, to return to her office at the commission, she assured us that she

would discuss my situation with her manger and see what they could do to assist

me. She concluded her visit, saying that she would get back to me again in a

couple of weeks.

My wife and i were very impressed with her visit, but after she left we never

gave it much thought, other than commenting between ourselves how nice it was to

have someone in our home.  Ten days went by and she did call like she said she

would. It was a different feeling but we were actually starting to have some

positive thoughts related to WCB. When i picked up the phone there was this

pleasant voice asking me how i was feeling.  She indicated that she was

calling with a proposition concerning rehabilitation, to see if i was

interested. She informed me that she and her managers were proposing that i go

into the Chronic Pain Management Center for five consecutive weeks for

treatment. Every couple of years, all clients are assigned a different case

manager, so i was unaware if she knew that I was familiar with this program. I

had gone through the same program 13 years before. I told her that i would think

about it and discuss it with my

wife and get back to her in a couple of days. It would require a 5 week leave

of absence from work for my wife to come. That would be the only way i could

attend. My wife thought it was a good idea and that it would be good for me,

because i would also be around another four men during this time. She was

successful in getting the time of work, so i called my case manager and informed

her that my wife and i would attend the program, and that she could make the

necessary arrangements. There are so many stories during the period of 21 years,

that are relevant to my pathetic life, it is very difficult to know what to say,

and where to say it, for anyone reading it that it makes any sense. One thing i

never was is a writer!!

 

Since my case manager came to our home, my wife and I saw so many positive

changes during the next few weeks, we were convinced that the Commission must

have made a lot of positive changes. They made all accommodations at the hotel

and done everything else that needed to be done. We were so pleased.. My wife

always accommodated me when i had to go to the city for anything, but we were

never treated like this. Again, over the previous four years since my overdose

and having no communication with the Commission, they appeared to be totally

different. Reflecting back now, it`s easy to see that we were getting the best

workers who were making arrangements and over seeing everything related to my

rehabilitation, in the manner it should it should have always been

done.  Obviously, even at WCB,  everyone is not immoral. I am sure there must be

many very nice workers there. I attended the meeting's and after the first week,

everyone was saying they could

see a remarkable difference in me than when i came in a week ago. The other

gentlemen even commented on it several times during the program concerning the

change they saw in me.

Their was a big change but it was not physically. Many nights i would return to

the hotel and lay on the bed in tears as a result of the increased pain. The big

difference was that i was getting to know the other guys and having someone to

socialize with.  Something that was absent from my life for many years. It was

as if i were born again!  I was like someone who needed a blood transfusion, and

just received it. From a mental perspective i was like someone who just woke up.

 Even my case manager commented on my progress. She indicated there was a

difference in my countenance that was not there before. And i did feel

different. I was not depressed anymore. Aparantly, coming to the program was

great from ever perspective. It was wonderful to be able to carry on discussions

with others who had the same things in common. Now some misinterpreted it as

also changes from a physical sense. And of course nothing could be further from

the truth.  When it

was seen by some of the team that i was feeling better from a physical point,

should have raised some red flags. But i had tasted life again and i believed

that the sky was the limit. It was evident that the Commission was finally on my

side, i thought!  I believed that over a period of time, with perseverance and

determination i would also see some different physically as will. I could see

nothing but a different lifestyle. I was on cloud nine!  To be a part of society

again, finally getting out of the house. It would be similar to been freed from

the cage i was in for long. Nightmare after another for more than 20 years, i

believed  had finally come to an end. After so many years, like someone in

solitary confinment, i think anyone else would react the same way!

 

My wife and i were totally convinced that Workers Compensation had changed for

the better.  We therefore left everything in the hands of my capable case

manager.  Not only did i believe that she was capable, I still believe she

had my best interest at heart, and done everything within her power during this

period of time!   The Commission on the other was another story and we were

going to pay considerable for letting our guard down and believing the system

had changed.  I should have know that my case worker only had so much

authority.  I was so stupid, it makes me sick!!!

 

I did not have any doubt that everything was going to finally change.  After the

program i was going to have to come back to the Center three time a week for

follow up, therefore the program would be on going. The other gentlemen lived in

the city, but they would also be returning for followup, the same as myself.  We

lived approximately 3 hours drive from the city to our home in the country. So

driving back and forth, staying in hotels, meals and so on, was very expensive.

The Commission never did have any problems with paying expenses related to my

injury.  So I came up with this great idea, or so i thought!

 

Therefore we discussed with the chronic pain team, there were 9 of them, the

other patients, my case worker and our children regarding staying in the city

for a year and continue with the program as scheduled and continue the social

life we had begun.  The cost of coming back and forth to the program would cost

the Commission more money, considerably more, than if they paid to rent a house

for us for a year. My case worker thought it was a great idea, and said " Leave

it with me " , and she would look after everything. When you crunch the numbers it

was obvious that renting a house would be a lot cheaper.  This is why my case

manager gave us her blessing. It was just common sense!  Even the Commission

wanted to save money where ever they could, or you would think so. And my case

worker, obviously having a knowledge of the legislation concerning issues like

this, knew that she was doing the right thing.

 

To make a long story short, it was not going to be great. It was going to be a

combination of all the nightmares and sorrows over 20 plus years, all combined

in one mega nightmare. My wife found a house we could rent for a year and signed

a lease. The furniture was brought into the home we would be in for a year.  We

had started a social life. The guys even gave me their phone numbers for us to

keep in touch. We were so excited!  It was one of the most exciting times of our

lives. The bubble however would soon burst!  Our excitement was soon going to be

soon replaced with

different consequences that would be so devastating and change every aspect of

our lives, even worst than before.  Our lives once again was going to be turned

upside down, where it would be even worst than the 1982 fire that took our new

home and small business. This time i was not capable of restoring anything that

we would lose because of my physical condition, which was now, going to get

considerable worst physically amd mentally and also faster than ever before!

 

When i left the hotel, i went right into the house that my wife had rented for a

year.  She had done everything as usual.  It was almost  two weeks after we

moved in to the rental home, when i received a letter from the Commission.  It

stated clearly that they did not cover the cost of rentals for any reason, and

therefore the home rental we were in would be our own responsibility.  No, it

did not make any sense, but we were in a predicament different than any other.

My wife had taken a year of work without pay, and we were in a house with a

lease we signed for a year.

Again, hello mr.. depression. Not only myself this time, but my wife would face

a depression that would break any ones heart.  We would hit rock bottom again,

but from every perspective possible. It was inevitable that we were going to

loose everything that we owned. And i certainly mean everything! There was no

way out. We went over it from every angle. If my wife could return to work, it

was 6 hours drive, both ways, but they had her position filled for a year. We

had a little money in the bank, but only a little. Nothing close to get us out

of this mess!  We had the house we were currently renting, and we are still in

it, our seventh year now. We had a mortgage on our own home. We just bought a

new van. Credit cards and the regular things any normal family would have. There

was no way out, no matter what we did. Once again we are trapped!!  This one

would last to the day we died!   In one year we had lost everything we owned.

Just three

months after we moved in,  we had to turn our van in. It was surely a nightmare

of nightmares, it was in every way our mega nightmare!

 

In 2004, according to legislation, in harmony with medical reports, WCB were

suppose to provide me with a motorized wheelchair and a wheelchair assessable

van. They refused to do so, and i still don't have one. My wife finally found a

job in the city, close to home, and we are managing alright. We put in a couple

of tough years. We had very little. However, despite getting married at 18, and

all of the problems we had to endure, my wife is still with me. That's quite

remarkable! She could have had a much better life  with anyone else.

 

There is so much information, it is difficult to know what to say and what not

to say. For you who are reading this  i hope it do make sense to you because

there is so much that is not said. There is enough to right a book, if i knew

how to write. It took me four days to write this because the muscles in my arms

are so weak. I can only write a little at a time and my concentration is very

bad also.This is my story in a nutshell!!  I am still in the house becoming more

and more incapacitated until nature takes it's course. All of this to say that

no matter what your pain or struggle might be, i can relate to it and sympathize

with you, and I wish all of you the very best, and a life with no pain!

 

There is really no purpose in life for me whatsoever, yet i still wish there

were!  I don't mean to complain, but the saying " Life is a Bitch and then You

Die " is certainly relevant to my pathetic existence. It is a terribly existence

when every day, you feel like your buried alive!!

 

Cheers,

Randy, newfie in pain