Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 , You are not alone I went thru many of the same feelings and still deal with some of the feelings today. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 95 when I was 26 years old by 97 it had completely robbed me of my life and all the things I enjoyed. It was only a couple of years ago that I really pulled myself together. I am still very much affected by all the symptoms of fibromyalgia and the sleep disorder that comes with it but I look at life differently now. My now 7 year old niece lost her grandmother on her mothers side, my niece was devastated, so heart broken and shook up over the event that she vomited for 2 days she was very close to her grandmother and to me as well. On the eve of the second night she was laying on the couch pale and crying profusely. I went to her and she immediately grabbed me around the neck and clung to me. The moment I wrapped my arms around her she said " Aunt Dawn, please don't ever leave me if you do I will start crying and never stop " . , I would bet that if your grandson was put in the same situation he would have much the same feelings about you as my niece has about me. My niece is my sunshine, has been since the day she was born. Just because you aren't able to do alot of things that you use to do doesn't make you unworthy of love or unable to give love. You are still very much needed because you have the best gift given to man, the ability to love. You can love without ever having to leave your chair or even go outside. It doesn't take much energy at all to love and its the most important thing that we as humans need...LOVE. Hugz Dawn On 8/2/05, <sassylassie45@...> wrote: > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 , You are not alone I went thru many of the same feelings and still deal with some of the feelings today. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 95 when I was 26 years old by 97 it had completely robbed me of my life and all the things I enjoyed. It was only a couple of years ago that I really pulled myself together. I am still very much affected by all the symptoms of fibromyalgia and the sleep disorder that comes with it but I look at life differently now. My now 7 year old niece lost her grandmother on her mothers side, my niece was devastated, so heart broken and shook up over the event that she vomited for 2 days she was very close to her grandmother and to me as well. On the eve of the second night she was laying on the couch pale and crying profusely. I went to her and she immediately grabbed me around the neck and clung to me. The moment I wrapped my arms around her she said " Aunt Dawn, please don't ever leave me if you do I will start crying and never stop " . , I would bet that if your grandson was put in the same situation he would have much the same feelings about you as my niece has about me. My niece is my sunshine, has been since the day she was born. Just because you aren't able to do alot of things that you use to do doesn't make you unworthy of love or unable to give love. You are still very much needed because you have the best gift given to man, the ability to love. You can love without ever having to leave your chair or even go outside. It doesn't take much energy at all to love and its the most important thing that we as humans need...LOVE. Hugz Dawn On 8/2/05, <sassylassie45@...> wrote: > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? , You are far from alone. Most of us that are chronically ill experience these feelings and grieve for what we have lost, both real and in our dreams. I am fighting the same feelings.I struggle constantly to try and find things I can still enjoy. Not with much success yet. Day to day life often takes more than we have .I wish I could be of more help other than to tell you aren't alone. PQ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? , You are far from alone. Most of us that are chronically ill experience these feelings and grieve for what we have lost, both real and in our dreams. I am fighting the same feelings.I struggle constantly to try and find things I can still enjoy. Not with much success yet. Day to day life often takes more than we have .I wish I could be of more help other than to tell you aren't alone. PQ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 This is one of the most true postings I've seen. Yes, some days love is all I have to give, but without that, I'd have nothing. If I couldn't give love to my children everyday then life would be so empty. On another thought, have you talked to your doctor about your depression? I think all of us battle it and sometimes the anti-depressants are so much more exhausting on our bodies, but it might be worth a try. I'm praying for you and remember....you are not alone. Prisicilla Dawn Blevins <dawns.fibro@...> wrote: , You are not alone I went thru many of the same feelings and still deal with some of the feelings today. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 95 when I was 26 years old by 97 it had completely robbed me of my life and all the things I enjoyed. It was only a couple of years ago that I really pulled myself together. I am still very much affected by all the symptoms of fibromyalgia and the sleep disorder that comes with it but I look at life differently now. My now 7 year old niece lost her grandmother on her mothers side, my niece was devastated, so heart broken and shook up over the event that she vomited for 2 days she was very close to her grandmother and to me as well. On the eve of the second night she was laying on the couch pale and crying profusely. I went to her and she immediately grabbed me around the neck and clung to me. The moment I wrapped my arms around her she said " Aunt Dawn, please don't ever leave me if you do I will start crying and never stop " . , I would bet that if your grandson was put in the same situation he would have much the same feelings about you as my niece has about me. My niece is my sunshine, has been since the day she was born. Just because you aren't able to do alot of things that you use to do doesn't make you unworthy of love or unable to give love. You are still very much needed because you have the best gift given to man, the ability to love. You can love without ever having to leave your chair or even go outside. It doesn't take much energy at all to love and its the most important thing that we as humans need...LOVE. Hugz Dawn On 8/2/05, <sassylassie45@...> wrote: > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 , when your grandbabies get a little older, they come to value the grandma who has time to sit and read with them, to listen to all their little stories, to take little walks outside, seeing what they can bring back to you to look at, to lie on our backs and see pictures in the clouds. We take things a little slower, and as a result I think we learn to focus more on the important things. We may not be able to run and wrestle with them, but I am the nana who always has time to hear what's on their little minds, even if they're telling on Mom! God made you, fearfully and wonderfully, and there is no telling how He will use you to touch other people. Having a chronic illness has given you a caring heart, empathy, and wisdom beyond your years. And if a man cannot see you for the precious jewel you are, he is not worthy of you. And that goes for ALL us single folks here in the RA family!!! Hang in there. Hugs and blessings from INSANELY hot Dallas Jane > > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 To sassylassie You are not alone. I'm so sorry you feel so down right now. I know it's easier said than done but can you look at your situation in another way. First, you have a wonderful little grandchild. How lucky you are! That must also mean kids. Sometimes they are great! Second, maybe not having a partner isn't such a bad thing (just reread some of the posts). Third, remember RA flares and there will be better days!! Hope this helps a little. Take Care Babs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2005 Report Share Posted August 2, 2005 You are NOT alone. I have those same emotions, at times. I try to find something to focus on and to admit to my limitations and accept for what they are. It doesn't mean I don't wallow in my own emotional pity. I'm sure we all do at one time or another. But, you are not alone in what you are feeling. I think the same thing about finding a man. Why would one want me with my broken body with all those healthy ones out there. But, if he can't accept me for who and what I am, then he isn't worth having.....Marina > Sometimes, I feel so alone. Not lonely, but alone with my thoughts, > my bashed dreams.. My dismal future. I have RA. I was diagnosed in > 99. have been to several doctors who gave little care for the > emotional upheaval that I feel inside me. Sometimes, the body works > right.. with diminished pain and stiffness.. but the brain is > screaming out " why Me " ? Why was I the one in the family to get the > most debilitating disease... I was the one who was active, fun to be > around, the most optimistic. Now, I am a hollow shell closing inside > myself when the pain is so horrific that getting out of bed is too > much of a chore. The sunshine is closed out, I dont feel it anymore. > I love my grandson more than anything... but after a couple of hours > with him and his 4 yr old demands, I am ready to collapse again. I am > caustic, not easy to love anymore.... I dont want to be that way.. I > want love... I want a man in my life again... but feel that RA has > taken everything from me. What man would want a broken down woman > when so many more youthful, healthy ones have more to offer? I need to > know if others have these thoughts... or am I in fact, alone?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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