Emotional Journey

[Guest guest]

Dear Friends...I think I have fallen into a way of thinking that is really

upsetting to me. I have lost nearly 150 pounds in the past 15 months (have

about 50-70pounds to go to get to my goal weight), and I feel, most of the time,

physically, better than in many, many years. Yet, the past year has been

riddled with bouts of deep depression and tormenting anxiety. These have

plagued me since my childhood, and I am now 54.

Sometimes, as I suppose most of us do, I tend to think that since I feel better,

that EVERYTHING must be better now. After all, if I have lost a human being of

weight, what can keep me down? But, even with medication and counseling, the

emotional shadows crawl back and snatch a piece of my life.

I have strong faith, and am pretty tenacious...I fall, but I get back up and

try again. But perhaps I am not understanding nor accepting that the depressive

and anxiety episodes are as much an illness as ra, psa, morbid obesity,

diabetes, asthma, etc.

Though I never want to " give in " to the depression and anxiety, I think I must

learn somehow to accept that they are challenges that may be with me for all my

life. But I get into my own brand of wishful thinking, and sometimes go into

denial mode...perhaps the depression and anxiety are gone! But, no, they were

just on hiatus, it seems.

I fall into the trap that I complain about others doing...the mind set that " If

she can lose all that weight and overcome so many odds, surely she can handle

the depression and anxiety. " Then I hold myself up to impossible, inhuman

standards. And when I fall, which I eventually do, my heart is crushed.

Here I am at 54, both grateful that this ol' doggy can still learn new tricks,

but sad as well that " my " plans sometimes get waylaid by the emotional issues.

Can I ever come to really accept ME? And to learn to fashion a life that allows

for these rough patches without falling apart?

I welcome your thoughts.

With love & hope always...

Tess