Rough Day

August 18, 2005

Well im up and out early this morning. Trevor and I were leaving the

house at 6:40am to go to my Dr's appt. Its close to downtown Dallas

and with traffic you better leave early. So we head out Im trying

really hard not to freak out cause I hate traffic. We get there safe

and sound. Luckily.

Dr. Z comes in and looks me over. I had to do a stat blood test and

Urine sample test. Turns out that i have another Bladder Infection.

Which means no chemo and no Humria. I just about cried. I dont know

how I can go on through the rest of my life in such pain. Im not

deforming yet, which is a blessing, but he seems really concerned.

He kept commenting on my swelling and feeling my joints. I know when

hes worried he has this look. Cause normally hes all smiles. He

said that I have to take the antibioitcs for 3 days and then on Sunay

I can start the Chemo and Monday I am to call them because after

looking me over real good. He checked my hips and I about came up

off the table and I yelled out. That really hurt. He said I have

brisitis in both of my hips and I have to try these pads that heat up

for 8 hours and then these ben gay pads, if that doesnt work I am to

call him and get a RX for a patch that might be better/stronger to

releive the pain. If all of those do work I may have to have hip

injections in both hips.

So Im sitting there listening to all of this and i start crying. Hes

said its gonna be ok. I said its not that. I am only 31 Dr Z and

when I think about a future filled with pain it breaks my heart. He

said Cortnee, It will get better. I said I hope so. I dont know how

much more I can do this. I held out for today because I thought I

was going to get my medicine, I never though I would look forward to

giving myself a shot or the chemo so badly. I worry about my quality

of life and if I will be able to walk or right or type. I have these

things on my feet that may or may not be nodules from the RA, he

keeps an eye on them too. His face today though, scared me, I know

he was trying hard not to show it because I was so fragile. I know

he doesnt like the idea of the injections and I can magine hes

thinking to himself, damn, I wanted to save her from that pain. See

I know what its like to get those injections. They are not fun. I

have had several in my wrists.

I sit and wonder why do I have to go through so much. All of my past

and my medical problems. Am I being punished for my wrong doings.

Like I said Im only 31 and I have been though abuse, physical and

mental, rape, abortion, losing people, watching death unfold. Ive

had neck surgery where I had a double fusion, ive had carpal tunnel

release in both hands. Whats next. I cant imagine needing a hip

replacement at 31, but at this point its possible. He said that I

may have to have some scans and tests if it continues, I was afraid

to ask what my future holds. I know he doesnt KNOW for sure, but I

can tell he has an idea, but he didnt discuss it with me.

have tried so hard not to feel sorry for myself. I know there are

so many others out there in more pain and or dying. Im not dying,

but the pain is so unbelieveably bad at times. It takes all i have

jus tto sit up and move over to my chair in the mornings. My

emotions are running wild and im quite terrified. I dont want to

live my life in pain. For lack of better statements...Its not

fair....Its not.

OK Ok, im done, i needed to vent!!!!

Cortnee

August 18, 2005

((((((((((((cortnee)))))))))))))) my thoughts and prayers are with you. We seem

to have very similar lives and I think I can honestly say, I know what you are

feeling. I am only 28. I also have RA, carpal tunnel palsy, loose joint syndrome

and a compromised immune system because of " cat scratch fever " I had numerous

lymph glands removed and many other conditions, some major some minor. Pain can

be unbearable when it doesn't ever go away. I also have endured the abuse, too

much to even talk about it, and most I don't talk about anyway and sometimes I

do say, what did I do? what have I done? I don't deserve this, I really don't.

and neither do you. But we have it and we are stronger for it and I do truly

believe I go through so many things because I CAN handle it. Not everyone can

handle what we've gone through and what we go through. I'm proud of you that

you've come so far. Surviving abuse is a major accomplishment in itself and I'm

proud of you for that. I hope for you that tomorrow

is a better day and maybe god will bless you with a great day. You deserve

that, everyone does. take care.

kerri sue

Cortnee <cortnee_30@...> wrote: