A note on the marital problems Sundra and Alenna were describing.

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to throw something out there. I feel for you two dealing with

those husbands.

I've watched m parents go through similar things, only there issues have

been NASTY!! I won't go into detail, because it's not necessary. But,

basically they never head on addressed their problems fully. They'd try one

day here, or go to counseling AGAIN, but they never really just said, " this

is inappropriate behavior for a healthy marriage, and we will sit down,

brainstorm, and figure it out. " One of my professors at school was also a

psychologist, family therapist, etc. etc. He was a great man who donated

his time to inner city children and even adopted needy children! We also

built a friendship after I graduated. He told me that the single largest

killer of marriages is fear. Men are afraid of what women will say and

afraid of being " put-down " --which to a man, could mean anything. He said

men are way more sensitive than they'll let on. And women, are afraid of

the marriage breaking up, afraid their partner will leave, afraid for what

will happen to the children. He said all these are logical fears and what

makes this problem so difficult is the fear. The process to healing the

marriage is similar to the process of getting over a fear or phobia. You

must confront the issue head on and erase, get through, work through that

fear. Then address the issues at the core of the problem.

Now, obviously marital problems are more difficult than working through a

fear (most of the time). But, he always said that you need to get over that

fear and then proceed to the heart of the issues. I've taken that advice to

heart with my current relationship. We've been together for many moons!

(And are getting married soon!) We've had our share of problems and I'm

sure we'll have some more as we go through marriage. And, there have been

times where I've been so afraid of what he would say, what he would do, if

he would leave, etc. Some rational, some irriational fears. But, each time

there was an issue, I would tell myself to throw the fear away and say what

needs to be said. And, force myself to deal with that issue IMMEDIATELY.

The longer you let it go, the more complex it gets. We build upon prevoius

experiences and if you're building on a negative experience, that only gets

larger.

I, by far, don't have any answers. But, my friend, who is amazing and

intelligent gave me this advice when I was younger, having many failed

relationships as young people do, and I have used it throughout this entire

relationship and have never been happier, despite all the issues we've had

to work through.

So, I'd feel selfish if I kept his wisdom to myself.

I truly hope this helps in even some small way!

Good luck to you both. You don't need this stress and don't deserve this

stress. I wish you the best in dealing with this!

D

>

>Reply-To: Fibromyalgia_Support_Group

>To: <Fibromyalgia_Support_Group >

>Subject: Re: Sundra to Alenna

>Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2004 04:37:38 -0500 (Central Standard Time)

>

><I am feeling so distant from my hubby. It is just making me ill. I needed

>to talk to him about my feelings, like we used to before i was sick,

>yesterday and he just walked away from me. So, I told him that I was upset

>because I needed to talk to him. We always promised to keep communication

>open and express our feelings, which I was bad at because I am a bottler...

>But my expressing myself this morning only seemed to make things worse and

>us more distant. I don't know what to do, I can't seem to win for losing

>here lately...Alenna>

>

>

>I hear you loud and clear Alenna. My husband and I aren't getting along so

>well either. My husband told me daughter the day before yesterday to move

>into my room and he would move into hers and then when he could walk on his

>foot he would leave. He never did do that, and is still in my bed.

>Yesterday he acted like nothing every happened. <sigh> My blood pressure

>is

>up, wonder why??? Like you, my sleep patterns are sorta wacked out too. I

>sleep when I can and most of the time it is a lot during the day. I'm

>usually up by the time the kids get home from school although not always.

>I

>don't have any magical words of wisdom, but do want to let you know that

>you

>aren't alone in this battle. I also smoke way more than I should when I'm

>on the computer and bored out of my mind.

>gentle hugs,

>Sundra

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