Fwd: NCC/medical & nun jokes

[Guest guest]

Dear friends:

A little " medical & nun " humor - might lift your spirits - or go sue your

doctor - either one is acceptable!! Have a pain-free night :-)

Jen in NM

>

>

>The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on

>patients' medical charts:

>

>1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a

>year.

>

>2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it

>disappeared completely.

>

>3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she

>was very hot in bed last night.

>

>4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in

>1993.

>

>5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to

>be depressed.

>

>6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

>

>7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but

>forgetful.

>

>8. The patient refused an autopsy.

>

>9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

>

>10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

>

>11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant

>with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

>

>12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

>

>13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

>

>14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might

>like to work her up.

>

>15. She is numb from her toes down.

>

>16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

>

>17. The skin was moist and dry.

>

>18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

>

>19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

>

>20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

>

>21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life

>until she got a divorce.

>

>22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

>therapy.

>

>23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

>

>24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

>

>25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

>

>26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job

>as a stockbroker instead.

>

>27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

>

>28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

>

>29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should

>sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

>

>30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

>

>31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

>

>****************************************

>A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver

>won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he

>replies, " I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

>

>She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old

>as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see

>and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you

>could say or ask that I would find offensive. "

> " Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. "

>She responds, " Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you

>have to be single, and #2 you must be Catholic. "

>The cab driver is very excited and says, " Yes, I am single and I'm

>Catholic too! "

>The nun says " OK, pull into the next alley. " He does and the nun

>fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab

>driver starts crying.

> " My dear child " , said the nun, " why are you crying? "

> " Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm

>married and I'm Jewish. "

>The nun says, " That's OK, my name is and I'm on my way to a

>Halloween party. "

>

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