Re: Husbands and Ebony

[Guest guest]

Dear RA-Family...this is an email i started days ago and have tried no less than

4 times now to finish and send. Three times ate it and only left me the

base that i had started in drafts. I am hoping this one will go through. I

will be off line now for at least four days and not able to keep up with

everyone during that time. My thanks go out to those who have sent me their

support with both words and cards....and of course those whose positive thoughts

and prayers are felt though not seen.... If it were not for my family and my

family of friends...where would i be? Take care all and have a wonderful

weekend coming up.

Love, (((HUGS))), and prayers. Jan in AZ =^..^=

_______________________________________________________________________________

I'm another one who doesn't post much but do keep abreast of everyone as much as

i can and while i do not have a husband or even one that was around when all

this with my body began, i feel i am able to at least put my two cents in for

what it's worth.

On having understanding husbands....there is nowhere in the manual that spells

out specifically that you will get an understanding husband...just as it doesn't

say that you will always be understanding. This is closer to home to you

because it is something you live with every day and if it were a short term

thing, the husbands in question may have been more supportive. It takes a rare

individual (even other family members fall in here) to be understanding 24/7.

My first husband (who i shed after 4 years as this was one of his very endearing

(NOT) qualities among others) was never understanding about anything whether it

was pain or something else. Payback was there but not wished on him as he died

in his early fifties from COPD with his second wife waiting on him hand and

foot. I am grateful that she was given the task because i don't know if i could

have done it graciously had i still been with him.

My second husband....now that was a different story. He came across as being a

toughened

and hardened Marine but was a softie but was always there for me no matter what

and i would have been for him also if the same need had ever arisen. In some

ways, i am grateful, he did not live long enough to see the direction my pain

has taken or the manifestation of this disease (FMS) and others.

What i do see here is a little bit of two people coming at each other with hurt

feelings and not sitting down together and being calm and rational about

discussing this without hurdling accusations of how they say the other feels

about the whole thing. I know from experience when you try to put words in the

other person's mouth as to what you believe they are saying with their actions

and words, it leads to putting on a defensive armour and bringing out the big

guns and everyone gets hurt. The words start flying and before you know it.

This is where i lost the last few paragraphs and the most brilliant of what i am

trying to say, i am sure, but i just want to caution you both (or anyone else)

don't jump to hastily spoken words in an attempt to solve things. Try first to

resolve the situation as adult to adult without putting words in the other

person's mouth and hear that person out...giving them the opportunity to say how

they are really feeling about everything and why. It just might surprise you in

the long run. Does this mean i am saying you are wrong?...no far from it.

Husbands and wives have something special that had a beginning and if you have

lost that then that is another story but you must give it a chance to be brought

to the surface again. His reaction just might be fear of the unknown or losing

you or a combination of both...which as we all know sometimes when not addressed

causes people to act as if it were the opposite. If you do everything you are

able to do on a neutral ground and it doesn't

change then you do what you have to do....and you will not have any remorse or

regrets on down the road because you didn't try hard enough to resolve it.

Someone may remove the box now and i will step down and let someone else take

over....i will be back in four days and will be looking forward to catching up

on everyone. Take care all and continue to SMILE as it is the best weapon for

all that comes at you in life.

Love, (((hugs))), and positive thoughts.....always, Jan in AZ =^..^=

~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the

entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. " ~

[Guest guest]

Dear RA-Family...this is an email i started days ago and have tried no less than

4 times now to finish and send. Three times ate it and only left me the

base that i had started in drafts. I am hoping this one will go through. I

will be off line now for at least four days and not able to keep up with

everyone during that time. My thanks go out to those who have sent me their

support with both words and cards....and of course those whose positive thoughts

and prayers are felt though not seen.... If it were not for my family and my

family of friends...where would i be? Take care all and have a wonderful

weekend coming up.

Love, (((HUGS))), and prayers. Jan in AZ =^..^=

_______________________________________________________________________________

I'm another one who doesn't post much but do keep abreast of everyone as much as

i can and while i do not have a husband or even one that was around when all

this with my body began, i feel i am able to at least put my two cents in for

what it's worth.

On having understanding husbands....there is nowhere in the manual that spells

out specifically that you will get an understanding husband...just as it doesn't

say that you will always be understanding. This is closer to home to you

because it is something you live with every day and if it were a short term

thing, the husbands in question may have been more supportive. It takes a rare

individual (even other family members fall in here) to be understanding 24/7.

My first husband (who i shed after 4 years as this was one of his very endearing

(NOT) qualities among others) was never understanding about anything whether it

was pain or something else. Payback was there but not wished on him as he died

in his early fifties from COPD with his second wife waiting on him hand and

foot. I am grateful that she was given the task because i don't know if i could

have done it graciously had i still been with him.

My second husband....now that was a different story. He came across as being a

toughened

and hardened Marine but was a softie but was always there for me no matter what

and i would have been for him also if the same need had ever arisen. In some

ways, i am grateful, he did not live long enough to see the direction my pain

has taken or the manifestation of this disease (FMS) and others.

What i do see here is a little bit of two people coming at each other with hurt

feelings and not sitting down together and being calm and rational about

discussing this without hurdling accusations of how they say the other feels

about the whole thing. I know from experience when you try to put words in the

other person's mouth as to what you believe they are saying with their actions

and words, it leads to putting on a defensive armour and bringing out the big

guns and everyone gets hurt. The words start flying and before you know it.

This is where i lost the last few paragraphs and the most brilliant of what i am

trying to say, i am sure, but i just want to caution you both (or anyone else)

don't jump to hastily spoken words in an attempt to solve things. Try first to

resolve the situation as adult to adult without putting words in the other

person's mouth and hear that person out...giving them the opportunity to say how

they are really feeling about everything and why. It just might surprise you in

the long run. Does this mean i am saying you are wrong?...no far from it.

Husbands and wives have something special that had a beginning and if you have

lost that then that is another story but you must give it a chance to be brought

to the surface again. His reaction just might be fear of the unknown or losing

you or a combination of both...which as we all know sometimes when not addressed

causes people to act as if it were the opposite. If you do everything you are

able to do on a neutral ground and it doesn't

change then you do what you have to do....and you will not have any remorse or

regrets on down the road because you didn't try hard enough to resolve it.

Someone may remove the box now and i will step down and let someone else take

over....i will be back in four days and will be looking forward to catching up

on everyone. Take care all and continue to SMILE as it is the best weapon for

all that comes at you in life.

Love, (((hugs))), and positive thoughts.....always, Jan in AZ =^..^=

~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the

entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. " ~

[Guest guest]

Hey Jan,

I don't know if your comment is directed at me or some of the

others's comments, but I have learned that the entire story is never

going to be told and not so sure if it should.

Most people really want things to work and go through a whole range

of trials and emotions before they just wake up one day and decide on

divorce. Many religions are against divorce and I think that is

where a lot of the uproar is coming from. My motto is if it makes

you happy and doesn't hurt anyone else then okay be happy.

Because I knew I would have to defend my post, I posted a message to

receive only supportive messages because that is what I needed at te

time and mainly just some positive experiences from those who have

been through divorce or going through divorce. Because I have been

there, I totally believe these women who say they are not being

supported through this horrific time of their lives. And believe it

or not some men because there are mostly women/wives here, some men

actually lose respect for you and see you as damaged goods when you

can no longer help provide for the family because of illness, and you

have to remember some of these men didn't have good examples even

though that was all the examples they knew, they saw it as the norm.

That's picking good mates for your persoanlity type comes in.

Personally I have to find a way to make a living, there is no way I

can do that in the situatiion I am in and yet there is no way I can

just walk out the door with severe uncontrolled RA immediately

today. There are steps to be made because I want to leave with as

little fanfare as possible, and hime with much as he had when I came

to the marriage if not more. I am attempting to do the right thing.

There is sooo much more to it than just what I am posting here and by

the reaction to those poor women who posted about not receiving

support, I think I made the right choice not to reveal too much.

I understand most of you mean well and your posts especially usually

bring tears to my very, very dry eyes:) but I don't think you guys

are anywhere near the ball park with this one and again I know you

mean well. I think sometimes we can only pull from what we have

experienced. Kinda like trying to explain to someone perfectly

healthy what RA feels like or FMS feels like. It cannot be done. So

I think this tired horse has been beat to death. We need to let it

go. I don't think anyone is ever going to reveal anything else again.

I do thank you all for trying to be helpful.

love/peace, many blessings to you all.

Ebony

[Guest guest]

Hey Jan,

I don't know if your comment is directed at me or some of the

others's comments, but I have learned that the entire story is never

going to be told and not so sure if it should.

Most people really want things to work and go through a whole range

of trials and emotions before they just wake up one day and decide on

divorce. Many religions are against divorce and I think that is

where a lot of the uproar is coming from. My motto is if it makes

you happy and doesn't hurt anyone else then okay be happy.

Because I knew I would have to defend my post, I posted a message to

receive only supportive messages because that is what I needed at te

time and mainly just some positive experiences from those who have

been through divorce or going through divorce. Because I have been

there, I totally believe these women who say they are not being

supported through this horrific time of their lives. And believe it

or not some men because there are mostly women/wives here, some men

actually lose respect for you and see you as damaged goods when you

can no longer help provide for the family because of illness, and you

have to remember some of these men didn't have good examples even

though that was all the examples they knew, they saw it as the norm.

That's picking good mates for your persoanlity type comes in.

Personally I have to find a way to make a living, there is no way I

can do that in the situatiion I am in and yet there is no way I can

just walk out the door with severe uncontrolled RA immediately

today. There are steps to be made because I want to leave with as

little fanfare as possible, and hime with much as he had when I came

to the marriage if not more. I am attempting to do the right thing.

There is sooo much more to it than just what I am posting here and by

the reaction to those poor women who posted about not receiving

support, I think I made the right choice not to reveal too much.

I understand most of you mean well and your posts especially usually

bring tears to my very, very dry eyes:) but I don't think you guys

are anywhere near the ball park with this one and again I know you

mean well. I think sometimes we can only pull from what we have

experienced. Kinda like trying to explain to someone perfectly

healthy what RA feels like or FMS feels like. It cannot be done. So

I think this tired horse has been beat to death. We need to let it

go. I don't think anyone is ever going to reveal anything else again.

I do thank you all for trying to be helpful.

love/peace, many blessings to you all.

Ebony