Guest guest Posted July 7, 2005 Report Share Posted July 7, 2005 Dear RA-Family...this is an email i started days ago and have tried no less than 4 times now to finish and send. Three times ate it and only left me the base that i had started in drafts. I am hoping this one will go through. I will be off line now for at least four days and not able to keep up with everyone during that time. My thanks go out to those who have sent me their support with both words and cards....and of course those whose positive thoughts and prayers are felt though not seen.... If it were not for my family and my family of friends...where would i be? Take care all and have a wonderful weekend coming up. Love, (((HUGS))), and prayers. Jan in AZ =^..^= _______________________________________________________________________________ I'm another one who doesn't post much but do keep abreast of everyone as much as i can and while i do not have a husband or even one that was around when all this with my body began, i feel i am able to at least put my two cents in for what it's worth. On having understanding husbands....there is nowhere in the manual that spells out specifically that you will get an understanding husband...just as it doesn't say that you will always be understanding. This is closer to home to you because it is something you live with every day and if it were a short term thing, the husbands in question may have been more supportive. It takes a rare individual (even other family members fall in here) to be understanding 24/7. My first husband (who i shed after 4 years as this was one of his very endearing (NOT) qualities among others) was never understanding about anything whether it was pain or something else. Payback was there but not wished on him as he died in his early fifties from COPD with his second wife waiting on him hand and foot. I am grateful that she was given the task because i don't know if i could have done it graciously had i still been with him. My second husband....now that was a different story. He came across as being a toughened and hardened Marine but was a softie but was always there for me no matter what and i would have been for him also if the same need had ever arisen. In some ways, i am grateful, he did not live long enough to see the direction my pain has taken or the manifestation of this disease (FMS) and others. What i do see here is a little bit of two people coming at each other with hurt feelings and not sitting down together and being calm and rational about discussing this without hurdling accusations of how they say the other feels about the whole thing. I know from experience when you try to put words in the other person's mouth as to what you believe they are saying with their actions and words, it leads to putting on a defensive armour and bringing out the big guns and everyone gets hurt. The words start flying and before you know it. This is where i lost the last few paragraphs and the most brilliant of what i am trying to say, i am sure, but i just want to caution you both (or anyone else) don't jump to hastily spoken words in an attempt to solve things. Try first to resolve the situation as adult to adult without putting words in the other person's mouth and hear that person out...giving them the opportunity to say how they are really feeling about everything and why. It just might surprise you in the long run. Does this mean i am saying you are wrong?...no far from it. Husbands and wives have something special that had a beginning and if you have lost that then that is another story but you must give it a chance to be brought to the surface again. His reaction just might be fear of the unknown or losing you or a combination of both...which as we all know sometimes when not addressed causes people to act as if it were the opposite. If you do everything you are able to do on a neutral ground and it doesn't change then you do what you have to do....and you will not have any remorse or regrets on down the road because you didn't try hard enough to resolve it. Someone may remove the box now and i will step down and let someone else take over....i will be back in four days and will be looking forward to catching up on everyone. Take care all and continue to SMILE as it is the best weapon for all that comes at you in life. Love, (((hugs))), and positive thoughts.....always, Jan in AZ =^..^= ~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. " ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2005 Report Share Posted July 7, 2005 Dear RA-Family...this is an email i started days ago and have tried no less than 4 times now to finish and send. Three times ate it and only left me the base that i had started in drafts. I am hoping this one will go through. I will be off line now for at least four days and not able to keep up with everyone during that time. My thanks go out to those who have sent me their support with both words and cards....and of course those whose positive thoughts and prayers are felt though not seen.... If it were not for my family and my family of friends...where would i be? Take care all and have a wonderful weekend coming up. Love, (((HUGS))), and prayers. Jan in AZ =^..^= _______________________________________________________________________________ I'm another one who doesn't post much but do keep abreast of everyone as much as i can and while i do not have a husband or even one that was around when all this with my body began, i feel i am able to at least put my two cents in for what it's worth. On having understanding husbands....there is nowhere in the manual that spells out specifically that you will get an understanding husband...just as it doesn't say that you will always be understanding. This is closer to home to you because it is something you live with every day and if it were a short term thing, the husbands in question may have been more supportive. It takes a rare individual (even other family members fall in here) to be understanding 24/7. My first husband (who i shed after 4 years as this was one of his very endearing (NOT) qualities among others) was never understanding about anything whether it was pain or something else. Payback was there but not wished on him as he died in his early fifties from COPD with his second wife waiting on him hand and foot. I am grateful that she was given the task because i don't know if i could have done it graciously had i still been with him. My second husband....now that was a different story. He came across as being a toughened and hardened Marine but was a softie but was always there for me no matter what and i would have been for him also if the same need had ever arisen. In some ways, i am grateful, he did not live long enough to see the direction my pain has taken or the manifestation of this disease (FMS) and others. What i do see here is a little bit of two people coming at each other with hurt feelings and not sitting down together and being calm and rational about discussing this without hurdling accusations of how they say the other feels about the whole thing. I know from experience when you try to put words in the other person's mouth as to what you believe they are saying with their actions and words, it leads to putting on a defensive armour and bringing out the big guns and everyone gets hurt. The words start flying and before you know it. This is where i lost the last few paragraphs and the most brilliant of what i am trying to say, i am sure, but i just want to caution you both (or anyone else) don't jump to hastily spoken words in an attempt to solve things. Try first to resolve the situation as adult to adult without putting words in the other person's mouth and hear that person out...giving them the opportunity to say how they are really feeling about everything and why. It just might surprise you in the long run. Does this mean i am saying you are wrong?...no far from it. Husbands and wives have something special that had a beginning and if you have lost that then that is another story but you must give it a chance to be brought to the surface again. His reaction just might be fear of the unknown or losing you or a combination of both...which as we all know sometimes when not addressed causes people to act as if it were the opposite. If you do everything you are able to do on a neutral ground and it doesn't change then you do what you have to do....and you will not have any remorse or regrets on down the road because you didn't try hard enough to resolve it. Someone may remove the box now and i will step down and let someone else take over....i will be back in four days and will be looking forward to catching up on everyone. Take care all and continue to SMILE as it is the best weapon for all that comes at you in life. Love, (((hugs))), and positive thoughts.....always, Jan in AZ =^..^= ~ " If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. " ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2005 Report Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hey Jan, I don't know if your comment is directed at me or some of the others's comments, but I have learned that the entire story is never going to be told and not so sure if it should. Most people really want things to work and go through a whole range of trials and emotions before they just wake up one day and decide on divorce. Many religions are against divorce and I think that is where a lot of the uproar is coming from. My motto is if it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone else then okay be happy. Because I knew I would have to defend my post, I posted a message to receive only supportive messages because that is what I needed at te time and mainly just some positive experiences from those who have been through divorce or going through divorce. Because I have been there, I totally believe these women who say they are not being supported through this horrific time of their lives. And believe it or not some men because there are mostly women/wives here, some men actually lose respect for you and see you as damaged goods when you can no longer help provide for the family because of illness, and you have to remember some of these men didn't have good examples even though that was all the examples they knew, they saw it as the norm. That's picking good mates for your persoanlity type comes in. Personally I have to find a way to make a living, there is no way I can do that in the situatiion I am in and yet there is no way I can just walk out the door with severe uncontrolled RA immediately today. There are steps to be made because I want to leave with as little fanfare as possible, and hime with much as he had when I came to the marriage if not more. I am attempting to do the right thing. There is sooo much more to it than just what I am posting here and by the reaction to those poor women who posted about not receiving support, I think I made the right choice not to reveal too much. I understand most of you mean well and your posts especially usually bring tears to my very, very dry eyes:) but I don't think you guys are anywhere near the ball park with this one and again I know you mean well. I think sometimes we can only pull from what we have experienced. Kinda like trying to explain to someone perfectly healthy what RA feels like or FMS feels like. It cannot be done. So I think this tired horse has been beat to death. We need to let it go. I don't think anyone is ever going to reveal anything else again. I do thank you all for trying to be helpful. love/peace, many blessings to you all. Ebony Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2005 Report Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hey Jan, I don't know if your comment is directed at me or some of the others's comments, but I have learned that the entire story is never going to be told and not so sure if it should. Most people really want things to work and go through a whole range of trials and emotions before they just wake up one day and decide on divorce. Many religions are against divorce and I think that is where a lot of the uproar is coming from. My motto is if it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone else then okay be happy. Because I knew I would have to defend my post, I posted a message to receive only supportive messages because that is what I needed at te time and mainly just some positive experiences from those who have been through divorce or going through divorce. Because I have been there, I totally believe these women who say they are not being supported through this horrific time of their lives. And believe it or not some men because there are mostly women/wives here, some men actually lose respect for you and see you as damaged goods when you can no longer help provide for the family because of illness, and you have to remember some of these men didn't have good examples even though that was all the examples they knew, they saw it as the norm. That's picking good mates for your persoanlity type comes in. Personally I have to find a way to make a living, there is no way I can do that in the situatiion I am in and yet there is no way I can just walk out the door with severe uncontrolled RA immediately today. There are steps to be made because I want to leave with as little fanfare as possible, and hime with much as he had when I came to the marriage if not more. I am attempting to do the right thing. There is sooo much more to it than just what I am posting here and by the reaction to those poor women who posted about not receiving support, I think I made the right choice not to reveal too much. I understand most of you mean well and your posts especially usually bring tears to my very, very dry eyes:) but I don't think you guys are anywhere near the ball park with this one and again I know you mean well. I think sometimes we can only pull from what we have experienced. Kinda like trying to explain to someone perfectly healthy what RA feels like or FMS feels like. It cannot be done. So I think this tired horse has been beat to death. We need to let it go. I don't think anyone is ever going to reveal anything else again. I do thank you all for trying to be helpful. love/peace, many blessings to you all. Ebony Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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