Re: New member needing feedback

[Guest guest]

Hi survivor, I don't think I ever completely figured out my mom. She

passed away in August at the age of 96. She was highly intelligent

and very very complex. The head games are enough to make a sane

person go nuts. Also, the fact that you feel so bad for her will

lessen as you come to realize it is not your responsibility to make

her happy or unhappy. When you finally realize there isn't a darn

thing you can do to change or cure her and that you didn't cause her

problems it will be a great relief to you. BPD reveals itself

differently in each person who has the condition. Many similarities

exsist but each person is a unique mixture of characteristics.

I finally gave up trying to understand it and began working on getting

myself unenmeshed and building my own life without having her on my

brain every moment. It took time, but things did get better for me.

She couldn't change at all, but I could and did. I am a stronger, more

healthy person for having learned all this stuff. I expect the rest

of my life to be more peaceful because I now know I cannot look

outside myself for peace and joy.

Welcome and keep reading and posting here. I hope it will be as much

help to you as it has been to me. Your mother will always view her

problems as being the result of something you or someone else close to

her. She can't be responsible because that would mean she is flawed

and thus all bad. BP's split themselves black or white too, and to be

bad for them is unbearable. Develop a slick exterior and let it all

slide. Just know this really isn't about you. It is all about her.

Again, Welcome and my best to you, Dee

>

> I am a new member and long overdue. Not sure exactly what

> the " nada " and " fada " stems from but I'm guessing it relates to

> mom's no sense of self and fada just going along with her.

>

> Anyways, I have a bit of a unique situation. Ironically I'm

> actually a sw myself and recently figured out that BPD is my mom's

> problem. Her headgames are so tricky and intense and have existed

> in my life for almost 27 years. I think that for a while I spent so

> much time just trying to get away from her I didn't care what the

> problem was. There were never any apparent symptoms of the

> problem. I just attributed her behavior to passive aggressivess and

> jealousy.

>

> So basically I find myself, especially lately really uneasy and

> uncomfortable with my family situation. My mom constantly makes

> these negative comments that are just enough to get under my skin

> (I'm getting better at this, though), yet small enough to tell me

> I'm " so sensitive " if I ask why she always gives negative feedback

> non-stop-i.e.- " that ponytail makes you look like a conehead " , " your

> house needs a new floor " , " what's that mark on your face? " (when

> there isn't even anything there), etc. I am an extremely

> responsible and successful person- 26 yrs old, Master's degree, own

> a 3 family home by myself, work two jobs, take care of my health,

> self and body, exercise regularly, etc. When a few weeks ago she

> complimented the color of my nail polish I almost fell on the ground

> from hearing the positive feedback. But ironically it made me feel

> bad. How sad that this simple remark- one you could give someone

> you don't even know and feel comfortable with it struck me like a

> mac truck. I was in such shock. But I also couldn't appreciate the

> remark. I'm too emtionally detatched from her. I figured out that

> the headgames are mainly abondonment triggers, but she pulls in my

> bro and fada and makes it look different than what it is. She is

> very talented in covering up what the problem is. When I read BPD

> stuff, she's got the classic symptoms, but the presentation is so

> complex that the guidelines to follow for a typical BP just aren't

> clearly usable w/ her. Any ideas?

>

> Also, to make matters worse, my fa is chronically ill so I don't

> want to cut her off. He rarely sees her craziness, but I think he

> wouldn't be so sick if he could get away from her. And my 14 yr old

> bro has had enough and desperately wants to move in with me. This

> is a kid that she puts on the highest pedastal imagineable. She

> literally believes he is a miracle child.

>

> So here I am worrying and feeling guilty, preparing myself for the

> role of the evil villan I am soon to be viewed as. She is lying to

> my bro about me in an attempt to keep him in the house which makes

> matters worse because he sees how ridiculous she is and it is

> driving him away harder. So she is on an abondonment frenzy right

> now. Help! Anyone have a muda/situation as complex as mine???? I

> just feel so bad that she's so miserable, but she claims that " she's

> not depressed " , and blames multiple sources- usually my dad for her

> hang-ups on the rare occasion that she admits something about her is

> not perfect. Again, help!!!!

>