Re: phone bill

January 10, 2007

Until you get strong enough to cut the ties with her, there will

always be a " reason " why you can't do it " just yet " ....always

something over the horizon; " I'll let her pay for my cell phone just

until I do this or that. "

I'll be blunt: cut the ties, do without a cellphone for awhile.

Figure out ways around it. You've already said you have e-mail.

The world will not end. I'll bet most of the calls can be made at

different times when you're around a phone, or you can let those

callers know you're " switching " cell phones and to e-mail you for

the time being.

I know lots of people who have told me over the years -- my cell

phone's out -- send me an e-mail or call me at home. I never

thought another thing about it.

Until you can find concrete ways to COMPLETELY cut all of these

strings to her, you'll have to put up with her manipulations. It's

either one way or the other.

BPDs are MASTERS at spotting ways to yank the leash.

If you choose to keep these ties, then you're choosing the

enmeshment with her and you've chosen the consequences.

-Kyla

>

> Ahh, I dont know what to do. I got an email from my mother

earlier

> today from her new work...she was being all sweet, I should have

> known then that something was going on.

>

> After I did not respond all day, because I am getting ready to

start

> student teaching next week...and am back on campus, she sent me

> another email from home. Our cell phone bill has been cut off

> because she has not paid it. She does have a lot of financial

> struggles and I use my cell phone (we are on the same plan under

her

> name) like crazy, especially now that I am applying for jobs and

> trying to get out on my own.

>

> It has been a while since she has asked for money, especially

after

> last year when she told me she had been drinking and doing drugs

> while I had be away at school (making me feel guilty for leaving

her?)

>

> I feel obligated to an extent to help her because my cell phone is

> the main form of communication for me these days besides email.

But

> it makes me angry that she always turns on this sweet voice of " I

> love you " when she needs something.

>

> She has had me under so much stress with threatening to kill

herself

> last year, I barely passed one of my spanish classes during that

> semester and ended up failing the class that follows it, this past

> semester. She didnt believe I failed the class even after showing

> her my grade...she puts so much pressure on me I feel like I cant

> meet her standards...its always your so good at everything...blah

> blah blah, I am only human. And she tells me I am her hero. It

> drives me crazy! I know I shouldnt let circumstances hinder my

> performance in school work, but all of this can be so overwhelming

> when I am only 21 years old and trying to get on my own 2 feet.

My

> grade in my class is still under review though, my professor did

not

> notify me of half of my grades so there is still hope my grade can

be

> redeemed and I can still graduate on time. *fingers tightly

crossed*

>

> Any thoughts on how to approach the situation... I know I will

> probably go ahead and pay the bill because I have meetings later

in

> the week but usually I tell her not to worry about paying me

back.

> What upsets me the most is she always waits until the bills are

late

> to ask for help.

>

January 10, 2007

I sympathize w/your situation. I had a lot of trouble working through

college too b/c of my nada's dramas and well life is difficult

regardless at times and bps just compound the problem.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would probably pay the bill and

have the cell phone covered for another month since you are in need

of this particular number as you try to get a job and get more

autonomy, but in a month's time when you land a job and such, I would

immediately go out and buy another phone. You don't necessarily need

to be on your bp mother's phone plan and you can buy them cheap

enough at places like Best Buy for $20 and buy minutes for say $10 a

pop. That's what my dh did when his new company that he started at

last year didn't provide him w/a cell phone. He went w/the Go Phone

by Virgin I believe and its served its purpose of emergencies and

brief calls until you can get to a land line. That's just what I

would do since being a KO and having a job is vitally important to

your ability to move on and find autonomy. But what she did sucks.

I don't think its any accident as you are trying to find a job and be

more autonomous that you are sabotaged in this way. You do need this

particular number for call backs on interviews and whatnot and what

better way to sabotage a potential job opportunity than to have your

only phone cut off? It wreaks of typically bp behavior. I'm sorry you

are going through this. I'm sorry you don't have a real mother who

supports you and validates you, but even worse torments you most when

you are trying to make a life for yourself.

I would definitely try to appeal those classes where you got flagged

w/an F and try to turn them into an incomplete so you at least can

tackle them later on when you have the energy. I would also talk to

your school counselor and fill them in on what's going on w/this

issue of your bp mother's illness and her threats at attempting

suicide. I would also perhaps go back to the teacher(s) who gave you

those grades and share the truth of the matter and say you're not

looking for a shoulder to cry on and you do carry your own weight in

life, but this emotional drain from a very mentall ill mother as you

get further along in your studies and closer to graduating and moving

on w/your life, she's sabotaging you at every turn w/threats of

suicide and emotional distress that makes it difficult for even the

strongest of autonomous people b/c she's your mother. More people

than not who work in the world of academia have soft spots for these

kinds of truths and will not pity you as much as work to help you all

the more b/c of your honesty and your perseverance. By the way, I had

two classes like this b/c nada's mother died during my summer session

and then nada and my former step-dad got divorced w/in a month. My

head was swimming and I was not at all the best student I could be. I

went from dean's list in the spring to two Fs and a C over the

summer. Talking to my teachers did help and I took a smaller class

load in the fall just for me to be okay and work through at a slower

pace while I processed it all.

It does not sound like you are remotely ready yet to let her go and

maybe you've just recently found out about this illness and don't

know how to. I would suggest reading when you have time (which is

probably like never w/the load you are juggling) a book called " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " . While it will unquestionably not cure your bp

mother's illness, it at least will give you tools to help you along

the battle and help you to get a sense of power over your own life.

Such as when she does threaten suicide, call 911 immediately and show

her you aren't going to mess around w/these kinds of manipulations,

which you probably should do regardless of who it is who threatens it.

I've got to run, but I just wanted to pipe in here and let you know

that you're not alone and most of us do understand how absurdly

difficult they can make life.

Best wishes to you and I'm glad you found this place,

Kerrie

>

> Ahh, I dont know what to do. I got an email from my mother earlier