Re: Home work

[Guest guest]

This is very good advice. Stay calm. This is starting to sound

like a power struggle. If he can do it at home, you know he can do

it. That is what is the most important.

Something else you might want to try is an adaptation of the Fly

Lady principle. Have him do his homework in 15 minute increments.

Do 2 - 3 increments (switching subjects) and then15 minutes to do

something of his own choosing. This might make the homework get

done faster. Maybe the free 15 minutes can be something fun for you

to do together.

Sylvia

>

> Part of the problem may be the school curriculum itself. These

days,

> schools are so fearful of not passing their tests and losing

funding,

> that they accelerate the kids at younger and younger ages. Child

> development has not actually caught up with the educators

> expectations.

>

> Relax about the chicken scratch. Most little boys of seven do not

> have the fine motor skills to have the neat little handwriting

that

> little girls have. Even at 9 or 10 it can be lacking. This is

> developmental.

>

> A good book about homework was written by Rosemond

> called " Ending the Homework Hassle " . He is very pragmatic.

>

> You could try a Montessori or Waldorf school if you can afford

> private. They have a more gentle, developmental approach to the

> young years. Homeschooling is a legal option in every state,

> although each state has its own regulations.

>

> Really, relax about the tests. It is too much pressure for a

seven

> year old, and if he burns out now, he'll have such an attitude of

> failure that high school will be even more challenging. When you

are

> at home, look at what he can do. At this age, learning how to

read

> is the most important. If he can't read, it will affect his

> schoolwork for life. Basic math comes next. If he CAN do it, do

you

> care if his first grade test is 50%? Don't tell him the grades.

> Don't show him the report card. Tell the teacher you aren't doing

> all of the homework. Yes, you actually can do that! There is

more

> to family life than homework. He isn't going to be admitted to

> college based on his first grade report card. Your relationship

with

> your son is WAY too important to make this a power struggle.

>

> ru4 dogs

>

[Guest guest]

Ru4dogs and Sylvia, Thanks for the tips. Sylvia I especially like

the idea of switching every 15 min. With DS I think this will be

very helpful because he has a busy mind and body.

I agree with both of you I guess t is a power struggle, He really is

trying to show me he does not have to do it and I want him to do

it. his body language, every thing changes when he gets like that.

he slumps wiggles the chair back and forth I can see the change. I

did tell him " it is up to you all I can do is help you but if you

don't want to do it that is your choice " . I talked to him tonight

about consequences either way the good and the bad.

He came home again with about 70% on a test. So I re-quizzed him he

did great! That is the part I just don't get???? I have a conference

set up with his teacher maybe I can get some insight if there is

something going on in class that he cant keep the focus.

I also showed my son a copy of the work he did when he was having a

bad attitude and a copy of the work he did when he was having a

positive attitude. He was surprised himself at the difference in his

writing. It went from beautiful (I think very good for a 1st grader)

compared to the other one where her literally was taking up a page

to write one word and even then you could not read it! I think he

saw that a positive attitude makes a big difference.

Dh and I talked today and we decided to do a trial run in our home

of a new rule. Because Dh and I both love reading and to study new

things we do it every day and we want our children to be able to

also enjoy this so it is not a chore but fun. We decided that for

every hour DS reads he will earn 30 minutes of TV. The reading can

be us reading to him, or visa versa, he can read to himself or he

can practice his writing to but he needs to be using words for the

time to count. After 14 days we will see how this is working for our

family and if there needs to be any changes to it but for the next

two weeks that is our family rule.

I hope this works we wanted to limit TV time anyways and focus their

attention in other places. So this is working for us in more than

one way. Also I hope it gives him a feeling of accomplishment and

teaches him value in the process. So that was what we decided as a

family and everybody agreed that it sounded fair and even like fun.

Tonight we read together for about an hour and we did some spelling

and hand writing he did not even ask for TV. I hope he next 2 weeks

will be enjoyable for all of us and I hope to see an improvement in

his grades. I know 70-80% is not bad but when he can do 90-100 that

is what I want to see. I don't expect him to over extend himself but

I don't expect him to sluff off either. I think he should try as

hard as he can. I always tell my boys " do your best, nothing more,

nothing less " . I hope this plan will get us back on track. So thanks

for the tips, and the chat. I really hope this new plan will help

the whole family and maybe we can all relax! Lizzy

> >

> > Part of the problem may be the school curriculum itself. These

> days,

> > schools are so fearful of not passing their tests and losing

> funding,

> > that they accelerate the kids at younger and younger ages.

Child

> > development has not actually caught up with the educators

> > expectations.

> >

> > Relax about the chicken scratch. Most little boys of seven do

not

> > have the fine motor skills to have the neat little handwriting

> that

> > little girls have. Even at 9 or 10 it can be lacking. This is

> > developmental.

> >

> > A good book about homework was written by Rosemond

> > called " Ending the Homework Hassle " . He is very pragmatic.

> >

> > You could try a Montessori or Waldorf school if you can afford

> > private. They have a more gentle, developmental approach to the

> > young years. Homeschooling is a legal option in every state,

> > although each state has its own regulations.

> >

> > Really, relax about the tests. It is too much pressure for a

> seven

> > year old, and if he burns out now, he'll have such an attitude

of

> > failure that high school will be even more challenging. When

you

> are

> > at home, look at what he can do. At this age, learning how to

> read

> > is the most important. If he can't read, it will affect his

> > schoolwork for life. Basic math comes next. If he CAN do it,

do

> you

> > care if his first grade test is 50%? Don't tell him the

grades.

> > Don't show him the report card. Tell the teacher you aren't

doing

> > all of the homework. Yes, you actually can do that! There is

> more

> > to family life than homework. He isn't going to be admitted to

> > college based on his first grade report card. Your relationship

> with

> > your son is WAY too important to make this a power struggle.

> >

> > ru4 dogs

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lizzy, You are trying to be such a good mother. I remember so

well how it was for me with my first, a boy. He was very intelligent

and very very active. He was capable of so much and I think I really

didn't leave a lot of room for imperfection. He got the pressure all

the way along because he was the oldest in the family.

Looking back, I realize how much I relaxed with the later children. I

wasn't nearly so intense and focused on perfection with them. I had

learned what was really important to stress and what I could just let

go.

I think the school system is putting a lot of pressure on kids just

like you said, especially compared to what it was like for us in

school. I am 60 years old so things were different for me than for

you. When I was in school we never saw a report card. Only a pass or

fail at the end of the school year. When I was in the sixth grade my

teacher took me aside and showed me that I had practically all A's for

my six years of school. I was pleased and really hadn't thought about

it much before then. I wish it was the same for our children now.

They are only children once and they are being forced to perform and

grow up too fast in my opinion.

I think if you can enjoy reading a whole hour each day with your son

you are getting great milage out of him for the age of 7. He, no

doubt, loves the time you spent with him this way. But honestly a

whole hour a day after the whole day in school is a long time at age

7. Some days he may not feel like it. I would try to be flexible if

he's tired, or needs to wiggle or whatever.

I also had a daughter who is an RN. She is also very intelligent, but

never performed well on tests. I think it may have been just the

pressure she felt to do well. She is the same daughter I have who has

anxiety. I think even then she put a lot of pressure on herself to

perform well. She had to work a little harder and always had troupble

with testing, but she is a sucessful, happy, nurse and mother of 4 now.

Looking back I wish I had put less emphasis on grades with my oldest

son and just enjoyed him more. We spent a good deal of his young life

in power struggles like yours because I just wanted him to be perfect.

He has also grown into a happy successful father of 4. He did spend

a few years rebelling and feeling a lot of stress because he needed to

be free of mine and my husband's pressure. I didn't know anything

about BPD then, but I think I was trying to control him and felt his

performance reflected on me just like my mom was with me.

I guess what I am saying is love and enjoy him and if his test results

aren't perfect but you know he is learning what he needs to to

progress, just lighten up a bit and enjoy your time in life more.

There is no doubt in my mind that you love your children and are a

great mom. I'm just expressing what I wish I had known back then with

my own children. Dee

> > >

> > > Part of the problem may be the school curriculum itself. These

> > days,

> > > schools are so fearful of not passing their tests and losing

> > funding,

> > > that they accelerate the kids at younger and younger ages.

> Child

> > > development has not actually caught up with the educators

> > > expectations.

> > >

> > > Relax about the chicken scratch. Most little boys of seven do

> not

> > > have the fine motor skills to have the neat little handwriting

> > that

> > > little girls have. Even at 9 or 10 it can be lacking. This is

> > > developmental.

> > >

> > > A good book about homework was written by Rosemond

> > > called " Ending the Homework Hassle " . He is very pragmatic.

> > >

> > > You could try a Montessori or Waldorf school if you can afford

> > > private. They have a more gentle, developmental approach to the

> > > young years. Homeschooling is a legal option in every state,

> > > although each state has its own regulations.

> > >

> > > Really, relax about the tests. It is too much pressure for a

> > seven

> > > year old, and if he burns out now, he'll have such an attitude

> of

> > > failure that high school will be even more challenging. When

> you

> > are

> > > at home, look at what he can do. At this age, learning how to

> > read

> > > is the most important. If he can't read, it will affect his

> > > schoolwork for life. Basic math comes next. If he CAN do it,

> do

> > you

> > > care if his first grade test is 50%? Don't tell him the

> grades.

> > > Don't show him the report card. Tell the teacher you aren't

> doing

> > > all of the homework. Yes, you actually can do that! There is

> > more

> > > to family life than homework. He isn't going to be admitted to

> > > college based on his first grade report card. Your relationship

> > with

> > > your son is WAY too important to make this a power struggle.

> > >

> > > ru4 dogs

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kristi, I have asked him a few times. He does not like to

talk too much (when i ask a question that is lol). And I agree with

what you said it is important to keep a attitude that sometimes our

kid our wrong and sometimes they are right!

I know something that was bothering him was he was mad at a friend

who kept using bad words like " shut up " among other words, to the

kids but I am not sure if he is sitting by my son anymore or not.

They get assigned seats and keep them for a month or so. He was

angry at this kid for using bad words and making up bad clubs. So I

helped DS to make up his own club with his own symbol and his rule

is you cant say bad words and you have to be nice. I told him we

could make cards with his symbol and club name on it so far I am in

the club and so are my 2 boys my oldest is the leader=)But anyways I

think this other kid in school was saying hurtful things to quite a

few kids. So maybe this will encourage against any hostility in his

class or at least in his seating group! All this 1st grade drama!~

Thanks for writing and it is good to think about that. Lizzy

>

> Have you tried asking him about school? If his attitude has

changed,

> something might have changed with his friends, his class,

something like that. Or

> a problem with a teacher or other authority figure. I'm not

saying to have

> the " my kid is *always* right " attitude, but there might be

something else

> going on, too. Good luck!!

>

> Kristi

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dee I found your letter especially encouraging. Thank you. That was

exactly the kind of things I needed to hear. I think what you say

about the first child is so true. I know by the time I had number 2

I was trying new methods and defiantly more relaxed. I have learned

along the way and I am relaxed with my children when it comes to

almost everything so I guess I will just have to add school to that

list. The reason this was a sore spot was I think I just have so

many fleas here.

I was happy to hear stories of your children and how they turned out

so good. That is just the kind of hope I want to hear. Exactly what

you wrote was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much. Also what

you wrote about your daughter the RN gave me some insight on what

may be going on with my son b/c he does so well at home but not for

the test. And that story about you in the 6th grade was Really cool!

I will go easy on him, however he is the kind of person that needs

strict boundaries. We will be flexible with the reading but I don't

think he will care because we are not making him read, only if he

wants to earn TV of course things like a family movie would not be

included. Also once I get him comfortable seated he will happily sit

and read for a long time. It is just a matter of getting him to

focus! Like when DH is gone I almost never turn on the TV I just

have the boys all sit in bed together and we just read. But the

thing is we don't do that when DH is home, I guess I should and will

keep the habit going.

I really was happy to read you letter and your words bring me peace.

I will enjoy my time with my children and give them space. I know

they have it more difficult than I do. Gez in the 1st grade I was

just starting to read but he can already read so much than I ever

could at that age! I know they have a lot of pressure. I will do my

best to help him and not add to it. Thanks so much! Lizzy

> > > >

> > > > Part of the problem may be the school curriculum itself.

These

> > > days,

> > > > schools are so fearful of not passing their tests and losing

> > > funding,

> > > > that they accelerate the kids at younger and younger ages.

> > Child

> > > > development has not actually caught up with the educators

> > > > expectations.

> > > >

> > > > Relax about the chicken scratch. Most little boys of seven

do

> > not

> > > > have the fine motor skills to have the neat little

handwriting

> > > that

> > > > little girls have. Even at 9 or 10 it can be lacking. This

is

> > > > developmental.

> > > >

> > > > A good book about homework was written by Rosemond

> > > > called " Ending the Homework Hassle " . He is very pragmatic.

> > > >

> > > > You could try a Montessori or Waldorf school if you can

afford

> > > > private. They have a more gentle, developmental approach to

the

> > > > young years. Homeschooling is a legal option in every

state,

> > > > although each state has its own regulations.

> > > >

> > > > Really, relax about the tests. It is too much pressure for

a

> > > seven

> > > > year old, and if he burns out now, he'll have such an

attitude

> > of

> > > > failure that high school will be even more challenging.

When

> > you

> > > are

> > > > at home, look at what he can do. At this age, learning how

to

> > > read

> > > > is the most important. If he can't read, it will affect his

> > > > schoolwork for life. Basic math comes next. If he CAN do

it,

> > do

> > > you

> > > > care if his first grade test is 50%? Don't tell him the

> > grades.

> > > > Don't show him the report card. Tell the teacher you aren't

> > doing

> > > > all of the homework. Yes, you actually can do that! There

is

> > > more

> > > > to family life than homework. He isn't going to be admitted

to

> > > > college based on his first grade report card. Your

relationship

> > > with

> > > > your son is WAY too important to make this a power struggle.

> > > >

> > > > ru4 dogs

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

--I think the way you're addressing this issue is wonderful! It is

so easy for KO's to repeat the power-struggle nature of our earlier

lives w/ nada and fada's.

I would suggest that you look carefully at the reasons behind his

behavior. A child that has the ability to do well in school, but

begins to have " attitude " problems usually have something else going

on. Bullying by teachers or kids at school, subtle undetected

learning diabilities, a difficult stage (ie. new school, new baby,

best friend moves, doesn't get along with teacher...), even

giftedness-which can lead to frustration and resistance to school

work because they are in a non-challenging environment. I think you

should at least look into the possibilities, and definitely bring up

your concerns with the teacher at the conference. Ask if she's

noticed anything. It is easier to address a problem when you know

what it is, and it helps to rule out what it isn't. We all had the

experience of growing up in an environment where something was

wrong, but we couldn't pinpoint it and how much the " AAH_HAA!! "

moment, when we realised that is was BPD and NOT us changed our

lives. Good Luck! As a mom of a 3 yr old, I have already experienced

some of what you're going through. Because we grew up traumatized by

BPD, it is easy to feel anxious about decisions we make as parents.

I panic every time I see a side of my nada come out in me in any

situation (Oh, my God! Am I a BP?!). This is especially true with my

son.

Just my 2 cents.

Ariel

- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lizzyboo81 "

wrote:

>

> Ru4dogs and Sylvia, Thanks for the tips. Sylvia I especially like

> the idea of switching every 15 min. With DS I think this will be

> very helpful because he has a busy mind and body.

>

> I agree with both of you I guess t is a power struggle, He really

is

> trying to show me he does not have to do it and I want him to do

> it. his body language, every thing changes when he gets like

that.

> he slumps wiggles the chair back and forth I can see the change. I

> did tell him " it is up to you all I can do is help you but if you

> don't want to do it that is your choice " . I talked to him tonight

> about consequences either way the good and the bad.

>

> He came home again with about 70% on a test. So I re-quizzed him

he

> did great! That is the part I just don't get???? I have a

conference

> set up with his teacher maybe I can get some insight if there is

> something going on in class that he cant keep the focus.

>

> I also showed my son a copy of the work he did when he was having

a

> bad attitude and a copy of the work he did when he was having a

> positive attitude. He was surprised himself at the difference in

his

> writing. It went from beautiful (I think very good for a 1st

grader)

> compared to the other one where her literally was taking up a page

> to write one word and even then you could not read it! I think he

> saw that a positive attitude makes a big difference.

>

> Dh and I talked today and we decided to do a trial run in our home

> of a new rule. Because Dh and I both love reading and to study new

> things we do it every day and we want our children to be able to

> also enjoy this so it is not a chore but fun. We decided that for

> every hour DS reads he will earn 30 minutes of TV. The reading can

> be us reading to him, or visa versa, he can read to himself or he

> can practice his writing to but he needs to be using words for the

> time to count. After 14 days we will see how this is working for

our

> family and if there needs to be any changes to it but for the next

> two weeks that is our family rule.

>

> I hope this works we wanted to limit TV time anyways and focus

their

> attention in other places. So this is working for us in more than

> one way. Also I hope it gives him a feeling of accomplishment and

> teaches him value in the process. So that was what we decided as a

> family and everybody agreed that it sounded fair and even like

fun.

> Tonight we read together for about an hour and we did some

spelling

> and hand writing he did not even ask for TV. I hope he next 2

weeks

> will be enjoyable for all of us and I hope to see an improvement

in

> his grades. I know 70-80% is not bad but when he can do 90-100

that

> is what I want to see. I don't expect him to over extend himself

but

> I don't expect him to sluff off either. I think he should try as

> hard as he can. I always tell my boys " do your best, nothing

more,

> nothing less " . I hope this plan will get us back on track. So

thanks

> for the tips, and the chat. I really hope this new plan will help

> the whole family and maybe we can all relax! Lizzy

>

> > >

> > > Part of the problem may be the school curriculum itself.

These

> > days,

> > > schools are so fearful of not passing their tests and losing

> > funding,

> > > that they accelerate the kids at younger and younger ages.

> Child

> > > development has not actually caught up with the educators

> > > expectations.

> > >

> > > Relax about the chicken scratch. Most little boys of seven do

> not

> > > have the fine motor skills to have the neat little handwriting

> > that

> > > little girls have. Even at 9 or 10 it can be lacking. This

is

> > > developmental.

> > >

> > > A good book about homework was written by Rosemond

> > > called " Ending the Homework Hassle " . He is very pragmatic.

> > >

> > > You could try a Montessori or Waldorf school if you can afford

> > > private. They have a more gentle, developmental approach to

the

> > > young years. Homeschooling is a legal option in every state,

> > > although each state has its own regulations.

> > >

> > > Really, relax about the tests. It is too much pressure for a

> > seven

> > > year old, and if he burns out now, he'll have such an attitude

> of

> > > failure that high school will be even more challenging. When

> you

> > are

> > > at home, look at what he can do. At this age, learning how to

> > read

> > > is the most important. If he can't read, it will affect his

> > > schoolwork for life. Basic math comes next. If he CAN do it,

> do

> > you

> > > care if his first grade test is 50%? Don't tell him the

> grades.

> > > Don't show him the report card. Tell the teacher you aren't

> doing

> > > all of the homework. Yes, you actually can do that! There is

> > more

> > > to family life than homework. He isn't going to be admitted

to

> > > college based on his first grade report card. Your

relationship

> > with

> > > your son is WAY too important to make this a power struggle.

> > >

> > > ru4 dogs

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Lizzy, my super-smart and awesome 10 year-old son has two learning

disorders I just thought I'd mention.

>

> The first is undiagnosed dyslexia -- that he's been tested for

three times, and it NEVER shows up on the tests!! But he CLEARLY

still reverses letters and numbers -- and his reading and schoolwork

both suffer. Worse, of course, is the shame he must feel about it,

as he tries VERY hard to hide it and compensate for it. I've spoken

to his teacher about it, and she agrees he has it, and is working

with him on this in an " unofficial " capacity. (We have him in

an " inclusion class " -- which is a regular class that's staffed with

an additional teacher to help out a few kids with learning

disabilities. )

>

> The second is equally complex, Auditory Processing Disorder, which

he does test positive for. How this plays out is that, in the

schoolroom environment -- with all the background noise and

distractions -- his ability to perform on tests and schoolwork is

hugely compromised. When he's home, working in a quiet relaxed

setting, his performance is completely different, despite the

dyslexia. This is also very frustrating for him and I think causes

him a lot of shame, which really breaks my heart.

>

> He's always disliked reading (now I understand why, the dyslexia!)

or being read to (which was naturally uncomfortable for someone with

an auditory processing problem!) -- despite the fact he's announced

his intention to be a writer when he grows up! But taking his

disabilities into account, it all makes sense.

>

> He's also pretty far behind on his penmanship -- and was slow to

start speaking -- I agree this is more common in boys. He worked

with a speech therapist in pre-school and kindergarten (who

diagnosed his Auditory Processing problem.) But despite his

disabilities, everyone who's worked with him, and every teacher he's

ever had, has only raves about how smart and creative he is, and how

hard he works!

>

> Anyhow, just wanted to throw all that into the mix!

>

> Shana

>

>

> My son has hyper-accutsis, or acute hearing. He also has Sensory

Integration Disorder, also called Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).

We began to see a lot of problems at the daycare center, and I

mistakenly attributed it to behavioral problems. I was really

worried that it might be a psychological problem, given my and DH's

family history (also BP's!) We spoke with a child psychologist, who

specializes in behavioral disorders and he recommended having him

tested. Luckily our pediatrician was willing to work with us and

refered us to specialists, who identified the disorders. He now has

therapy for both the auditory and sensory issues.

He had psychological testing and has been identified as being

gifted, which seems to be a big part of his inability to relate to

other kids and frustration in group settings. We finally decided to

place him in a pre-school program at a local Montessori school, and

he has really blossomed in the past 6 months. All of the behavior

problems disappeared. He used to throw his books and toys across the

room, now he is doing math and reading. He has simply skipped the

stage where most children are interested in blocks, and stuffed

animals. He loves science and space! He'll sit and talk about the

planets and their moons all day, if allowed.

My point is not to " brag " about my kid, but that my new discovery

of BPD, and trying to deal with the past trauma that has affected my

life, caused me to over-look other things that might be going on

with him. I feel bad now that I simply assumed it had to be a

psychological, or psychiatric, problem. I cringe at the idea that if

I had gone down that path, I may have inadvertantly, set him up for

bigger problems down the road. I can easily picture him being tagged

as a behavor problem child, who eventually would put in therapy and

on medication. That would have been tragic.

Ariel

[Guest guest]

Shana, Ariel and all I never thought about it until now after

reading Arial's post, but I think I might have an idea why the

grades are slipping. We have been talking about moving again. That

was when he acted up the last time. Could this make him act up

again? He does say little things like how many days until we move,

or will I still be in the same boy scouts? I reassure him we have

not even stared to look for a new house. (I did but I don't want him

to panic because We did not put our home on the market yet so I am

not too serious for a few more weeks and even then we are here till

it sells and till we build) To me moving is not a big deal as a kid

we moved all the time and it was the least of my worries! Still is

the least of my worries! but I guess he is more sensitive.

I think he does not like change but there is nothing I can do to

help it. Although I like country life I guess we are too much city

people! Now we have to move again to get closer to the job currently

being 2 hours 1 way is to hard! Luckily he works from home about

half the time and only has to travel a few times a week.

I think when DS over heard us talking or saw me browsing in the

internet for lots and homes and got mad. That must have been about

the same time the grades started dropping. Gezz I did not think of

it before How could I have not seen it? I know he does not like to

move but it is just part of life we cant control it. I will have to

do what I can to provide a stable environment, and just spend extra

time with him.

I know he love being a tiger scout so I will reassure him that he

will be enrolled in scouts when we move. And I know he wanted to

redo his room, right now he has jungle with reptiles and monkeys

that was what he picked last time. But now he wants outer space so

this could be a benefit of moving he could re-do his room! I will

try to find some fun things. Also when we move they will have a room

just for their Lego's So maybe he can help design the Lego room to!

I hope these things can help cheer him up.

Gosh thanks you guys so much for all the advice and tips and thanks

for helping trigger my brain! You all have so much help and advice!

You all really got me thinking! I was thinking about the disorders

to, and I know he is his own person I am not sure what but I do

think there is something there. However I only went to the T. the

one time about him and she was such a psycho path (sorry but I cant

think of a better word for her maybe B@#$% haha) I would like to see

somebody else. But first I have to get closer to the city there is

nobody out here! Also Dh has little faith in the system so I want to

maybe test them out myself before I bring him along. But 2 of his 3

teachers have mentioned add and adhd however since keeping him on

the omega 3 cod liver oil daily and the multi vit daily and limiting

sugars I have seen a big change! His teacher this year said nothing,

but that might be b/c she is a family friend who knows. Well Thanks

again for all the advice and all the tips you guys are so great!

Love Lizzy

> >

> > Lizzy, my super-smart and awesome 10 year-old son has two

learning

> disorders I just thought I'd mention.

> >

> > The first is undiagnosed dyslexia -- that he's been tested for

> three times, and it NEVER shows up on the tests!! But he CLEARLY

> still reverses letters and numbers -- and his reading and

schoolwork

> both suffer. Worse, of course, is the shame he must feel about

it,

> as he tries VERY hard to hide it and compensate for it. I've

spoken

> to his teacher about it, and she agrees he has it, and is working

> with him on this in an " unofficial " capacity. (We have him in

> an " inclusion class " -- which is a regular class that's staffed

with

> an additional teacher to help out a few kids with learning

> disabilities. )

> >

> > The second is equally complex, Auditory Processing Disorder,

which

> he does test positive for. How this plays out is that, in the

> schoolroom environment -- with all the background noise and

> distractions -- his ability to perform on tests and schoolwork is

> hugely compromised. When he's home, working in a quiet relaxed

> setting, his performance is completely different, despite the

> dyslexia. This is also very frustrating for him and I think

causes

> him a lot of shame, which really breaks my heart.

> >

> > He's always disliked reading (now I understand why, the

dyslexia!)

> or being read to (which was naturally uncomfortable for someone

with

> an auditory processing problem!) -- despite the fact he's

announced

> his intention to be a writer when he grows up! But taking his

> disabilities into account, it all makes sense.

> >

> > He's also pretty far behind on his penmanship -- and was slow to

> start speaking -- I agree this is more common in boys. He worked

> with a speech therapist in pre-school and kindergarten (who

> diagnosed his Auditory Processing problem.) But despite his

> disabilities, everyone who's worked with him, and every teacher

he's

> ever had, has only raves about how smart and creative he is, and

how

> hard he works!

> >

> > Anyhow, just wanted to throw all that into the mix!

> >

> > Shana

> >

> >

> > My son has hyper-accutsis, or acute hearing. He also has Sensory

> Integration Disorder, also called Sensory Processing Disorder

(SPD).

> We began to see a lot of problems at the daycare center, and I

> mistakenly attributed it to behavioral problems. I was really

> worried that it might be a psychological problem, given my and

DH's

> family history (also BP's!) We spoke with a child psychologist,

who

> specializes in behavioral disorders and he recommended having him

> tested. Luckily our pediatrician was willing to work with us and

> refered us to specialists, who identified the disorders. He now

has

> therapy for both the auditory and sensory issues.

>

> He had psychological testing and has been identified as being

> gifted, which seems to be a big part of his inability to relate to

> other kids and frustration in group settings. We finally decided

to

> place him in a pre-school program at a local Montessori school,

and

> he has really blossomed in the past 6 months. All of the behavior

> problems disappeared. He used to throw his books and toys across

the

> room, now he is doing math and reading. He has simply skipped the

> stage where most children are interested in blocks, and stuffed

> animals. He loves science and space! He'll sit and talk about the

> planets and their moons all day, if allowed.

>

> My point is not to " brag " about my kid, but that my new discovery

> of BPD, and trying to deal with the past trauma that has affected

my

> life, caused me to over-look other things that might be going on

> with him. I feel bad now that I simply assumed it had to be a

> psychological, or psychiatric, problem. I cringe at the idea that

if

> I had gone down that path, I may have inadvertantly, set him up

for

> bigger problems down the road. I can easily picture him being

tagged

> as a behavor problem child, who eventually would put in therapy

and

> on medication. That would have been tragic.

>

> Ariel

>

[Guest guest]

As I read your post, I had a thought. Maybe your son is the kind of

kid who freezes on tests? I knew a girl like that when i was in

school, and she did the same thing with passing the pre test no

problem and then doing badly on the actual test. It wasn't because

she didn't know the material, she just froze. What really ended up

helping her was this place called Sylvan. I guess they do tutoring or

something. Anyway, she is doing much better.

Another thing just dawned on me. When I was in school, I would just

quit doing the work if I thought I knew it. I was a fast learner, so

I'd get bored easily, and it reflected in my grades. I almost failed

so many grades... It wasn't until I was in tenth grade or so that I

finally figured out the impoirtance of grades.

I hope my advice helps. Good luck with your son!

Neko Jaimie

>

> I have been really having a hard time in this area! HOME WORK! My

> kid is in the 1st grade and they get lots of home work every day! I

> was really surprised at what a jump it was from the first grade

from

> kindergarten. He has spelling, reading, and math daily plus

> sometimes an additional piece or 2 of homework. I found this

> shocking! And they never have a break!

>

> As a kid my parents NEVER taught me to do homework in fact homework

> was never enforced. I would skid by hardly! That is until High

> school then I realized I better shape up! I did it with

> encouragement from friends but not my parents. So I was never

really

> taught about all this stuff. On top of it I spent a lot of time in

> the hospital as a kid so I missed much of the basics. It was not

> until the 10th grade that a teacher realizes I missed out on

> learning how to multiply! I was in the hospital when my class

> learned and my mom never gave me my homework or taught me my

> lessons. I thought you were just supposed to use a calculator. I

> got one hour of tutoring in the 10th grade to make up for that and

I

> still don't feel like I am very good at it. Actually it was less

> than an hour it was half of one math class so maybe 25 minuts.

>

> On top of it my parents intentionally kept me from all extra

> activities like music, language and sports. by the time I was in

> High school I had to work extra hard to get into ANY AP classes

> because I was so far behind on every thing. I was so far behind on

> basic knowledge! I still managed to make the honor role a few times

> even with my AP classes.

>

> But that is not my point, well it kind of is. Right now my 7 year

> old is coming home with all this work I really want to help. I try

> so hard but his attitude is so rotten! It is like he just does not

> care! At first he was doing so good. All his tests were perfect!

> Math spelling all perfect! Then they started to switch he would go

> every other week perfect, every other week 1 wrong. Then every week

> one wrong. Then all the sudden he came home one day with a 50%! I

> thought I got hit by a bus! I was shocked because his pretest I

gave

> him at home were all perfect! So what happened? Now his grades

have

> been slipping he is getting about 90-80% I know that is still good

> but it is his attitude I really worry about!

>

> What can I do to help him? We do practice test. We try different

> methods but nothing really seems to work. I have 2 friends who

teach

> and I used the advice they gave me. Even so, he will get perfect at

> home, then go to school and totally botch it! Especially his

> handwriting for example, I know I have chicken scratch but his is

> beyond decipherable! You can not even make it out when he gets

> in " the mood " . And " the mood " seems to be coming more and more!

>

> The other morning I felt like a nada I was so mad! I yelled, well

> not yelled but I talked loud. He told me his teacher said " you

> spell apple a-p-p-l " I said " no I don't think your teacher said

that

> and even if she did your teacher is wrong apple is spelled a-p-p-l-

> e " We went round and round I said " so you trust your teacher more

> than your mother " I cringed when I said that! I hate those kinds of

> lines! But I said it, Can I say FLEA! I grabbed the dictionary and

> showed him. By this time I felt so angry that my first grader would

> argue with me over the spelling of apple! GRRRR He can be so

> defiant.

>

> So the question is how do I keep cool? How do I help teach him

> habits that I have never learned myself at that age. I want to be a

> good parent but this is so hard! Because I am the stay at home mom

I

> feel like the kids are my responsibility. And I feel like right now

> in this area I am struggling. I did however tell my son it is his

> grade and his grade is a reflection of him not me or any body else.

> I can do my best to help him study but he is the one taking the

> tests. I hope that will help his attitude. At this point I think he

> thinks it is all up to me. What should I do? Any advice?

> Thanks Lizzy

>