Some thoughts on PREGNANCY LOSS

[Guest guest]

Dear Group;

As many of you know by now, I have certainly had my share of

experiences with pregnancy loss; both from a personal standpoint, and

from a professional one.

I have been a nurse since 1987 (but in the " nursing field " since I

was 15 years old; 1975), with a total of 9 of those years in

OB/Maternity/Newborn Nursery; the last 5 years as Head Nurse in

Maternity. I assisted in most of the D & C's (dilation and

curretage), which is the procedure for removing the " products of

conception " in first trimester pregnancy loss; and many of the labor

inductions for second and third trimester loss (incomplete

miscarriage and demises). It never became " easier " as my experience

increased. In fact, it actually became more difficult, especially

toward the end (of my career) as if I somehow absorbed some of the

grief from every patient I helped,and it all just filed itself in my

personal grief folder, where it remains even today. It's amazing how

easily myself or someone else can pull out that folder and open it -

and it's all so fresh again, as if I'm reading it, preparing for that

awful, mournful procedure, LIVING it all , all over again.

I know its partly because it is so intermingled with my personal

experience, my own grief poured out from my own profound losses. How

I ached for each and every one of those women whose futures were

permanently altered by such a cruel blow - even those whose pregnancy

was not planned, or those who at the time believed they felt relief

at the " decision " being taken from them. But I knew that many, if not

most of them would suffer an unresolved ambiguity that they, too,

would come to know as grief (just like so many women who

were " tricked " into believing that their abortion was " the " solution,

never forewarned of the intensity of the severe emotional

consequences)

I have been pregnant a total of three times. I have two teenage

girls -my oldest (15) is adopted. After trying for 8 years, we

stopped praying for " pregnancy, " and instead began focusing on "

parenthood. " Two months after we put our names on the " list " for

adoption (which at the time, had been a 2-year waiting list), a

situation literally came to us, all wrapped up in a devine package.

Within 3 (more) months, we were parents to a brand-new beautiful

newborn baby girl. Five months after her birth, in the procedure to

finalize the adoption, I was swearing before a judge that I was

unable to become pregnant (as that was a qualification from that

state to be able to adopt) - having NO clue that I was around 6 weeks

pregnant! I absolutely thoroughly enjoyed every single solitary

minute of my pregnancy, even with the non-stop vomiting that had

resulted in a 20 lb weight loss by 17 weeks gestation, and the

hospitalizations to try to counter-act that! Though I was rail thin,

My beautiful baby's home (ok, my " uterus " ) stuck out in the most

adorable fashion! I never passed up a chance to look at pregnant

reflection; in store windows; any mirror; even my shadow! I was soooo

in love with being pregnant, with finally joining the ranks

of " WOMEN " (because before becomming pregnant, I was a " failure " of

sorts, not being capable of doing what a woman was born to do- have

babies). And of course, I was sooo in love with " , " my

son, who literally " played " -jumping up and down and danced all

around, in my uterus, whenever we watched him, via ultrasound. I was

OBNOXIOUSLY pregnant! I made everybody feel my belly. And I always

was happy happy happy! My sweet baby at home, and my sweet baby soon

to be home - I couldn't possibly be any happier!

And then he died. One night at work (on the maternity unit), my

friends and I decided to take a " peek " at little on the

ultrasound. There he was, in a crumpled heap at the bottom of my

uterus. No dancing, no jumping-jacks. No heart beat. The entire

hospital must have heard the haunting primal anguished scream from

the depths of my being...

That was Halloween night. It took until November 3rd to finally

deliver him, after hours upon countless hours of excrutiating labor.

On top of it all, I had an allergic reaction to the prostaglandin

used to induce my labor: My hip joints were angry red and swollen to

mammoth proportions.This was a very rare reaction. Lucky me.

Exactly one year later, I became pregnant again. Needless to say,

I wasn't nearly as happy-go-lucky with this pregnancy. I even had the

exact same due date as the first pregnancy! I don't think I enjoyed

my pregnancy at all, until after Halloween. After that, it was all

new- all uncharted territory, and a little easier to deal with. But

of course, it couldn't go " smooth " for me; infact, nothing ever

really did again -up to this very day. I ended up having premature

labor- and was on bedrest for 5 (five!!) months!! There went the job -

and the income. This was my first (and definitly not last) experience

with " food banks. " Oh, yum. We went into foreclosure with our home.

Thankfully, the VA actually helped bail us out of that mess -

probably the first and only REAL benefit I ever realized from having

been in the Air Force.(Sorry if I sound a little bitter - long

story, ..yes, another one!). But it was all worth it! Because I got

my second MIRACLE (my first being my adopted daughter) out of the

deal!

My third pregnancy only lasted 9 weeks. And at the time I lost it,

I could have NEVER thought of it as a blessing in disguise. But it

was, because two months after that - on Halloween day - we found out

I had thyroid cancer. I can't tell you how many times in the

subsequent months and years, I thought about how difficult, if not

entirely impossible it would have been to try to raise another baby.

After all, two years BEFORE the cancer, I had been diagnosed

(finally) with the lupus, and 1 year before the cancer came the

chronic tachycardia - this all on top of the fibromyalgia. I was

exhausted beyond recognition -certainly NOT the makings for a

dynamic, vibrant mother of a new baby, all over again. Not to say I

didn't grieve over that one too, but it wasn't as intense as with my

first, after all... this baby was so much younger, and I had all

these " other " things distracting me (the illnesses, two young

children ) and my sister-in-law had just been heinously murdered

(another long story). The grief for the baby had a lot of competition.

OK..I guess this really ended up being " some thoughts about MY

pregnancy loss(es) " - sorry. Sometimes I don't know where I'm going

to end up when I get started.

Love,

[Guest guest]

,

I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses. I can relate as I have been

pregnant 6 times and have 3 living sons. Each pregnancy was filled with

problems starting with my first but way back then at 23 you do not think

anything bad

can happen to " me, " I was so lucky to have my first son at 33 weeks strong

and healthy with him only spending a few hours in NICU to watch his breathing.

My second pregnancy was a m/c at 10 weeks. My 3rd was twins - a disaster from

the get go. I never felt right, had all types of health problems and

infections. Then, gave birth to my daughter at 15 weeks at home in the bathroom.

Her

brother was born at 18 weeks and I almost died in the process. Of course just

focusing on having living children, I forged ahead and got pregnant again a year

later. Twins again. I cried and cried at the news. This time had wonderful

docs and though a previous doctor said Incompetent cervix, these docs did not

think so as they said " You would have had both babies at the same time " so made

it all the way to 25 weeks and my babies were born. Too early, too small and

so very weak. They lived 2 and 3 days before passing away.

hey guess what? I had Incompetent Cervix. a day late, dollar short.

I moved to another state, and 2 years after the loss of my second twins,

became pregnant again. A singleton, I demanded a cerclage and got one, lucky the

doc said as my cervix was already changing. I was not happy one-second of the

pregnancy. I was scared to death. well, at 35 weeks, with my cerclage still in

place, my son was born healthy in the hospital bathroom (I seem to like

bathrooms) 3 minutes after being admitted into the hospital with my cerclage

still

intact.

I then went on to have another healthy son born at 37 weeks last year.

Although I know I have Incompetent Cervix, I am wondering if my newly

diagnosed health issues have something to do with all my losses. I was

diagnosed

with RA and seem to have symptoms of Lupus.

Thank you for all your insight.

sandie