NTs boundaries piss me off.

[Guest guest]

I've just discovered that a " friend " of mine (and I use the quotes very

deliberately) has boundaries which, in essence, boil down to this:

- Don't talk about me to anyone, ever.

- Don't talk to me about anything even remotely important or in any way

meaningful, ever.

- Don't try to help me, but help whenever I ask, because it's so hard

for me to actually ask.

- Pretend that you know nothing about me that can't be observed by Joe

Blow on the street.

(which essentially means, lie about anything I do know about her, which

she already knows I can't do because I always get caught in a lie when I

try to lie)

- If you have a problem with me, you don't get to talk to me about it,

because that would be psychoanalyzing me, and you don't get to talk to

anyone else about it, because you can't talk to anyone about me, so

you're supposed to just suck it up and cope.

- You're supposed to act as if we're the barest of bare acquaintances.

That is not friendship. That's someone making someone else responsible

for their issues. Know what? I won't play those games.

I'm angry.

Has anyone else been in this position?

Griff

--

.... A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.

[Guest guest]

Actually

I do know a person with what might be termed a " personality disorder "

whom I like very much, and yes she talks about me, she's been caught

doing so...But she's set rules. Similar to what you've stated. I want to

continue being her friend, I know she needs one.

I look at it this way:

In time, when she sees me as safe, might she mature?

Or this way: This person may just not know how to communicate effectively

and I'm thinking, hmmmm I do so want her to be sensitive to my own dis

ability, so I could try to be sensitive to hers. And obviously she has

one. I actually looked up " personality disorders " and tried to suggest to

her she may well fit in a niche category. But she was offended and we

both founf we missed each other's company.

Now we are back to being " friends '' again. her rules, my

idiosynchrasies. And yeah she got mad when I told her, listen don't call

me six times in a day for nothing. Now she doesn't.

Is the 'friendship' worth it to you.?

Do you get anything rewarding in return?

If not, try to walk away.

Kim

On Tue, 15 Jun 2004 12:35:16 -0700 Griff Sanford

writes:

I've just discovered that a " friend " of mine (and I use the quotes very

deliberately) has boundaries which, in essence, boil down to this:

- Don't talk about me to anyone, ever.

- Don't talk to me about anything even remotely important or in any way

meaningful, ever.

- Don't try to help me, but help whenever I ask, because it's so hard

for me to actually ask.

- Pretend that you know nothing about me that can't be observed by Joe

Blow on the street.

(which essentially means, lie about anything I do know about her, which

she already knows I can't do because I always get caught in a lie when I

try to lie)

- If you have a problem with me, you don't get to talk to me about it,

because that would be psychoanalyzing me, and you don't get to talk to

anyone else about it, because you can't talk to anyone about me, so

you're supposed to just suck it up and cope.

- You're supposed to act as if we're the barest of bare acquaintances.

That is not friendship. That's someone making someone else responsible

for their issues. Know what? I won't play those games.

I'm angry.

Has anyone else been in this position?

Griff

--

.... A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.

[Guest guest]

I always look at friendships as an investment. I can get:

a) company

intellectual stimulation

c) a mirror into the NT world

c) a mirror into myself

d) a feeling of being a good human being who cares about people, even

though she has been " egoistic " all her life and is so down to the core

;-)

Some effort (costs) must go into such an action (investment). But if the

costs overwrite the benefits too often or too much, well, maybe there is

an idea in looking at the sustainability of the whole project in the

context of your life.

But on the other hand, you must know my experience of friendship is that

they come and they go. They are related to a period of your (and their)

life. I am capable of thinking " Oh welle, that was that friendship, on

to the next. " There always comes new people my way. And I don't quite

grasp the idea of childhood friends that have followed all ones life. A

totally foreign concept in my life. Outer Space. Just a matter of fact.

ET call home?

Hilsen,

christine@...

Æblevangen 17

2765 Smørum

44 66 02 17

24 24 12 17

Re: NTs boundaries piss me off.

Actually

I do know a person with what might be termed a " personality disorder "

whom I like very much, and yes she talks about me, she's been caught

doing so...But she's set rules. Similar to what you've stated. I want to

continue being her friend, I know she needs one.

I look at it this way:

In time, when she sees me as safe, might she mature?

Or this way: This person may just not know how to communicate

effectively

and I'm thinking, hmmmm I do so want her to be sensitive to my own dis

ability, so I could try to be sensitive to hers. And obviously she has

one. I actually looked up " personality disorders " and tried to suggest

to

her she may well fit in a niche category. But she was offended and we

both founf we missed each other's company.

Now we are back to being " friends '' again. her rules, my

idiosynchrasies. And yeah she got mad when I told her, listen don't call

me six times in a day for nothing. Now she doesn't.

Is the 'friendship' worth it to you.?

Do you get anything rewarding in return?

If not, try to walk away.

Kim

On Tue, 15 Jun 2004 12:35:16 -0700 Griff Sanford

writes:

I've just discovered that a " friend " of mine (and I use the quotes very

deliberately) has boundaries which, in essence, boil down to this:

- Don't talk about me to anyone, ever.

- Don't talk to me about anything even remotely important or in any way

meaningful, ever.

- Don't try to help me, but help whenever I ask, because it's so hard

for me to actually ask.

- Pretend that you know nothing about me that can't be observed by Joe

Blow on the street.

(which essentially means, lie about anything I do know about her, which

she already knows I can't do because I always get caught in a lie when I

try to lie)

- If you have a problem with me, you don't get to talk to me about it,

because that would be psychoanalyzing me, and you don't get to talk to

anyone else about it, because you can't talk to anyone about me, so

you're supposed to just suck it up and cope.

- You're supposed to act as if we're the barest of bare acquaintances.

That is not friendship. That's someone making someone else responsible

for their issues. Know what? I won't play those games.

I'm angry.

Has anyone else been in this position?

Griff

--

.... A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.

[Guest guest]

wrote:

>I always look at friendships as an investment. I can get:

>a) company

> intellectual stimulation

>c) a mirror into the NT world

>c) a mirror into myself

>d) a feeling of being a good human being who cares about people, even

>though she has been " egoistic " all her life and is so down to the core

>;-)

>

>Some effort (costs) must go into such an action (investment).

This evening I will be paying the cost of maintaining a

friendship. At the moment, I am feeling: " Why am I doing

this? I hate going out in the evening. It's so disruptive!

Grouch, grouch, grouch.... "

But once I get over that attitude, I know I will be glad

to see R (even though being with her is energy-intensive

because I usually feel like I am carrying the conversation).

She is someone I like and admire. As you say, she is...

well, you said " mirror, " whereas I actually think of such

friends/relations as being windows into their sectors of

the world. Since she is someone who needs/likes to keep

busy, I am lucky that she still is willing to fit me into

her schedule even though I am not involved in any of the

things she is doing.

Jane

[Guest guest]

Jane says: " you said " mirror, " whereas I actually think of such

friends/relations as being windows into their sectors of

the world " . Yeah windows that allow me to mirror and try out my

interpretations. I like the idea of a window: it is a picture with a

closed frame that isolates certain aspects of life. Like looking in the

microscope, but not so narrowminded.

Friends are actually a plus, even though they suck all our energy ;-)

living is a lot of work.

Hilsen,

christine@...

Æblevangen 17

2765 Smørum

44 66 02 17

24 24 12 17

Re: NTs boundaries piss me off.

wrote:

>I always look at friendships as an investment. I can get:

>a) company

> intellectual stimulation

>c) a mirror into the NT world

>c) a mirror into myself

>d) a feeling of being a good human being who cares about people, even

>though she has been " egoistic " all her life and is so down to the core

>;-)

>

>Some effort (costs) must go into such an action (investment).

This evening I will be paying the cost of maintaining a

friendship. At the moment, I am feeling: " Why am I doing

this? I hate going out in the evening. It's so disruptive!

Grouch, grouch, grouch.... "

But once I get over that attitude, I know I will be glad

to see R (even though being with her is energy-intensive

because I usually feel like I am carrying the conversation).

She is someone I like and admire. As you say, she is...

well, you said " mirror, " whereas I actually think of such

friends/relations as being windows into their sectors of

the world. Since she is someone who needs/likes to keep

busy, I am lucky that she still is willing to fit me into

her schedule even though I am not involved in any of the

things she is doing.

Jane