Re: My jobs are depressing ()......

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for sharing your Work. It is a gift to see someone else's stories on

this subject - and reminds me how there is no new story. Plus, totally

selfishly, it reminds me that I'm not alone. After doing my Work on this

(what I posted here, though there's more I will do on my own) I felt that " open,

open, open " you described.

It always surprises me too - that feeling of expansion. It shows me how

liberating it is to be without a story. Even just to shed some light on an old

one.

Incredible.

~April

>

>

>

> Subject: I should not have to work

> To: Loving-what-is

> Received: Sunday, November 29, 2009, 9:49 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Ok, my thoughts on this are a bit confusing... I am in (yet) another job that

makes me unhappy. Actually, working in general makes me unhappy. I'd rather be a

SAHM, but with the wee one in preschool - giving me time to write, exercise,

etc. So more like a SAHM - lite.

>

> What I don't understand is why, why, why I always end up hating working. What

do I equate it with? Off the top of my head: drudgery, being trapped, being

subserviant. What do I fear? Failure. Being fired. Making terrible mistakes.

Being trapped.

>

> " I should not have to work. "

>

> Is that true? yes, yes, yes...

> CYAKIT? No

>

> When I think that thought: Anger, depression, self-hatred (I should not hate

working. I should want to contribute to society and my family. I should not be

so god damned lazy). When I think that thought, I feel like an asshole. I feel

like a jerk. Conversely, I fantasize about having money. I escape mentally.

Conversely, I feel sorry for myself. I wonder what I keep doing wrong to end up

so unhappy whenever I work. I wonder what is the underlying tape that takes me

back to this place over and over again.

>

> W/o the thought: Not judging my life or myself for working. I think an

underlying tape is something like - " only chumps work. " Thanks mom. So, w/o the

thought, I'm not feeling like such a loser. ( " only losers work at a position

like mine, making the salary I make... " ). W/o the thought: Not feeling like I am

missing out.

>

> Ah.

>

> So, that's a big one....

>

> Working makes me feel like I am missing out...

>

> TA:

>

> I should have to work

> --until I don't.

> --for right now, that's what is.

> --working has never killed me and likely won't kill me now.

>

> I should not have to play.

> --I'm not meant to play right now. I'm meant to work. Nothing missing, nothing

lost. No mistakes.

>

> Ooooooh. Interesting. I thought I was losing, not enjoying the view from the

house on the hill (the one I fantasize about...). I thought I was losing my

Santa Barbara shopping spree (the one that happens directly after I win the

Lotto). I thought I was missing going to another School for the Work, or a 'fill

in the blank' retreat. I thought I was missing jogging. Doing pilates at a

swanky pilates studio. I thought I was missing writing that novel I've always

wanted to write...

>

> So. Hmmm. Not missing anything. Life being the way it's supposed to be.

Exactly the way its supposed to be.

>

> God not punishing me. Not withholding.

>

> Not missing out...

>

> (and guys, I'm really just trying to be as petty as I can here... absolutely

NOT trying to think or respond with any kind of spiritual perspective. for right

now, I need to see the forest for the trees, not build a treehouse... )

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________________________

> Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people. Go to Yahoo!

Answers and share what you know at http://ca.answers.yahoo.com

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> ,

>

> Thank you for sharing your Work. It is a gift to see someone else's

stories on this subject - and reminds me how there is no new story.

Plus, totally selfishly, it reminds me that I'm not alone. After

doing my Work on this (what I posted here, though there's more I will do

on my own) I felt that " open, open, open " you described.

>

> It always surprises me too - that feeling of expansion. It shows me

how liberating it is to be without a story. Even just to shed some

light on an old one.

*****I don't know any non-brain-damaged person who doesn't have stories

(synonym: thoughts). Although it is " liberating " to be without a story,

it is just not part of being a biological organism that is functioning

properly. Even BK acknowledges that thought happens for her.

So it is not living without stories that is a sane goal. What is

reasonable is paying attention to where thoughts come from, being aware

of exactly what thought is (fyi: it is a biochemical, hormonal,

neurological response within the bodymind mechanism), and recognizing

that thought is thought, not reality. Knowing this can sometimes allow

one to live with a lot more peace.

Also, it may be seen, with very close attention, moment to moment, that

all of us live many, many moments of our daily lives without a story.

One can't See it at the moment that it happens, because there is no one

there (i.e., there is no ongoing story at that moment so there is no

sense of self). But a few moments afterwards, it may be Recognized that

" I " was absent a few moments ago. By " absent " I don't mean " lost in

thought " or " wallowing in a day-dream. " I'm referring to a simple act

like picking up a coffee mug and taking a sip of coffee. In that

moment, " you " - that sense of " me " - that sense of a separate " self " -

may well have been absent. There was just reaching-for-coffee-mug,

picking-up-coffee-mug, taking-sip-of-liquid. No " I am doing this " at

that time. And then, in response to that event, " I " return a few

moments later and reflect on it ( " Umm, this java tastes good " or any

other self-referential thought). " You " as a cognized being, have

" returned. " But in those few moments prior to that, there was no story,

there was no " you. " This happens to all of us, day in and day out, many

times throughout the day. It is natural and happens with any effort.

And then the thoughts/stories arise again. And they can't be stopped

(except by pharmacological means, deep sleep, or cessation of the

biological organism).

Cheers!

Andy

[Guest guest]

For about the past two months I have been emailing with my oldest living cousin

(she is almost 70). This is by far the most contact I've ever had with her. As

children she was " too old for me " and we didn't live near each other. We have

been going over many old family stories. What we find virtually every time is

that the stories contain a kernel of truth but are grossly inaccurate which may

or may not have been intentional on the part of the story originator.

We've come to realize that we came to conclusions about relatives and acted on

these conclusions based on grossly inaccurate stories and perhaps outright lies!

Just one more reminder of the negative power of stories.

Vivian

Re: My jobs are depressing ()......

>

> ,

>

> Thank you for sharing your Work. It is a gift to see someone else's

stories on this subject - and reminds me how there is no new story.

Plus, totally selfishly, it reminds me that I'm not alone. After

doing my Work on this (what I posted here, though there's more I will do

on my own) I felt that " open, open, open " you described.

>

> It always surprises me too - that feeling of expansion. It shows me

how liberating it is to be without a story. Even just to shed some

light on an old one.

*****I don't know any non-brain-damaged person who doesn't have stories

(synonym: thoughts). Although it is " liberating " to be without a story,

it is just not part of being a biological organism that is functioning

properly. Even BK acknowledges that thought happens for her.

So it is not living without stories that is a sane goal. What is

reasonable is paying attention to where thoughts come from, being aware

of exactly what thought is (fyi: it is a biochemical, hormonal,

neurological response within the bodymind mechanism), and recognizing

that thought is thought, not reality. Knowing this can sometimes allow

one to live with a lot more peace.

Also, it may be seen, with very close attention, moment to moment, that

all of us live many, many moments of our daily lives without a story.

One can't See it at the moment that it happens, because there is no one

there (i.e., there is no ongoing story at that moment so there is no

sense of self). But a few moments afterwards, it may be Recognized that

" I " was absent a few moments ago. By " absent " I don't mean " lost in

thought " or " wallowing in a day-dream. " I'm referring to a simple act

like picking up a coffee mug and taking a sip of coffee. In that

moment, " you " - that sense of " me " - that sense of a separate " self " -

may well have been absent. There was just reaching-for-coffee-mug,

picking-up-coffee-mug, taking-sip-of-liquid. No " I am doing this " at

that time. And then, in response to that event, " I " return a few

moments later and reflect on it ( " Umm, this java tastes good " or any

other self-referential thought). " You " as a cognized being, have

" returned. " But in those few moments prior to that, there was no story,

there was no " you. " This happens to all of us, day in and day out, many

times throughout the day. It is natural and happens with any effort.

And then the thoughts/stories arise again. And they can't be stopped

(except by pharmacological means, deep sleep, or cessation of the

biological organism).

Cheers!

Andy