Re: How'd I Make It This Far? (was Brother Story)

[Guest guest]

Hi Kerrie and All,

Your post was very powerful for me. I’ve wanted to

respond and knew I needed to take time for it to sink

in before I replied.

You wrote something like, `To not feed the bitterness

that has chipped away at me over the years for being

cowardly around grandnada w/ how I really feel about

her or even nada for that matter.’ I have to take

exception with that. I DON’T BELIEVE that you were

“cowardly” for not telling your grandnada how you

“really” felt about her or your nada. I believe that

you wisely protected yourself at the same time that

you fought a winning battle within yourself not to

provoke a dangerous argument which probably would’ve

gotten you more hurt than your grandnada or your nada.

It took guts to NOT fight THAT battle.

Like your friend, I `walked through life screaming

'please don't hurt me and the wounds . . . were always

so transparent.’ I was also ‘spiritually crippled and

unable to live.’ How have I made it this far? I

could smile and say, “D****d if I know!” but, there

really are some good reasons. Probably the first and

most humbling is that, though I knew as a teenager

that I had “big problems,” I didn’t know HOW big those

problems were. I didn’t know how badly off I was

until well into my adulthood. That ignorance and

denial of mine probably shielded and cushioned me from

being so overwhelmed with grief, sadness, anger and

depression that I would’ve ended my own life. I don’t

like that I was so ignorant and in denial, but perhaps

it’s a good thing that I was. (How’s that for

humbling?) Second, maybe I got lucky having some

really bad and incompetent therapists, and bad therapy

from a few good therapists! If anyone had told me

what they REALLY saw in me, if they saw it, again, I

might’ve been so overwhelmed that I wouldn’t thrown in

the towel, KWIM? Maybe the next reason might’ve been

my blind and unfounded optimism and determination to

stick it out (“it” being life) because, I believed, I

was gonna get better, at least better enough, to start

having a normal life by next year . . . at least

within a few years, right? Ha! Pulled the wool over

my own eyes again on that one. What can I say?

“Hooray! Three cheers for ignorance, denial, bad

therapy and blind optimism!”

Though I’m having some fun here with a serious

subject, that doesn’t mean I don’t take it or anyone

else’s difficulties about these things lightly. If I

don’t make some humor at my own expense, I might start

to pity-pot, and I would never do that. Who, me,

think that I got a raw deal? Never! Of course,

that’s not true. My Higher Power and I have discussed

and argued about this thousands of times. I’ll let

you all know when we’ve reached a decision . . .

Like you wrote, I’ve held that “mirror up to my soul”

many times and said to myself, " are you trying to live

or die? Which is it? " ” Like your friend, I also was

`alive,’ but ‘still enslaved by the traumas of [my]

past’ for decades. For many years, I’ve wanted to, as

you wrote, “fully love or live,” or at least make a

good effort at it. I believe that I’ve done that most

of the time in recent years. This group helps. I

feel good about that, so I’ll keep reading and

posting. Thanks to you and everyone else for being

here. Everyone’s feedback on this is welcomed.

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- Kerrie wrote:

> erbussmom,

>

> I am sitting here in an utter flood of necessary

> tears after reading

> your post. I don't even know where to begin other

> than saying thank

> you. Thank you for posting and thank you for

> spilling your heart out.

> I needed this cry in a way I could not formerly

> fathom.

>

> I feel in the depths of my soul my deceased father

> reaching out to me

> through your words as well as my friend, who

> killed herself

> last year. While this hurts with every fiber of my

> being, it is

> probably the best spiritual medicine I need to heal

> sooo many wounds

> I've had from 2006. So much death and tragedy and I

> know you are new

> here and probably haven't read my past posts on

> these topics, but

> this is a ray of hope for me in some of the darkest

> days of my life.

> I sooooooo need to learn these lessons that your

> post inspired that I

> just am in awe right now of how badly this darkness

> breaking into

> dawn hurts- hurts that I've not been able to fully

> feel and deal with

> b/c it has been too much. Tomorrow, tomorrow, always

> tomorrow and

> this minute tomorrow is here and I'm so grateful for

> this torrent of

> tears to release me from this God awful past year.

> I've been waiting

> and I see now more clearly than I have in a long

> while that the

> waiting is coming to fruitioin. Thank you and thank

> you again.

> Valuable lessons.

>

> You must think I'm crazy, but I'll try to explain.

> My dad died of

> cancer when I was 8 and my younger brother was 4. My

> dad was much

> like your brother except they truly didn't have any

> money. But he was

> the all bad child that my grandnada singled out as

> the worst of 6 and

> I've heard horror stories I never wanted to know

> about how badly she

> beat him. They will live with me just as your

> witness will live with

> you for the rest of our lives. Its not possible to

> wrap one's mind

> around these types of evil. A lifetime would never

> make it make sense-

> nor several lifetimes for that matter. But truly,

> I've always blamed

> my grandnada for my dad's death on certain sublime

> levels and yet I

> was singled out as the all good grandchild growing

> up by her- out of

> 16 grandkids. Even as he lay dieing, my grandnada

> told him he never

> got a whipping he didn't deserve. No waiting for the

> funeral. No she

> heaped the piles of dirt on while he still lay

> fighting for his life.

>

> Last year at Christmas I made the difficult decision

> to go NC w/my

> nada after a hysterical 45 minute conversation with

> her. Mainly her

> hysteria as I tend to get calmer around her the more

> insane she gets

> which only freaks her out all the more these days

> since I was always

> the rebellious youth ( " just like your father " - in

> her words) until

> these past few years of getting married, getting in

> therapy and

> learning about BPD. I don't participate the same,

> but after that

> conversation I decided I would not participate

> period. There's no

> point in having a relationship w/an insane person

> when I'm truly

> sane, which I think I am for the most part now days-

> maybe not

> growing up. Who is as a KO? Is it possible? Not

> sure.

>

> But in going NC w/my nada, in my heart I've also

> just not felt any

> inclination whatsoever to call grandnada on my dad's

> side. Call it

> clearing house. Call it seeing the bps in my life

> for what they are?

> I don't know. I've felt compelled a few times and

> then I'd stop

> myself and say 'for what?' And so this is also the

> first year of NC

> w/grandnada and I'd wondered if I'd call her at the

> end of this month

> on her 80th birthday. I can almost hear my dad

> saying 'letting it

> go'too and just be done w/her and that part of my

> past as well. I can

> sense that so much from your post- to let it all go.

> Not only let it

> go, but to be grateful to let it go- to not hold the

> anger any longer

> like my dad always did. To not feed the bitterness

> that has chipped

> away at me over the years for being cowardly around

> grandnada w/how I

> really feel about her or even nada for that matter

> (I said all I had

> to say last year when I made my last attempt at

> salvaging any

> relationship and I realized w/o a doubt that chapter

> in my life was

> over- no mother, no father). I see now that I don't

> want to feel

> those things b/c they do give a person cancer. I

> knew that growing

> up, but I never knew how to get the hell out of

> Dodge.

>

> But not only cancer. Nada's live in fiance was also

> a KO. After she

> and I had our pow-wow last year and she realized I

> was walking away

> for good, she turned on him w/all her rage and he

> killed himself in

> March. He was overall a good person. He got terribly

> warped the

> longer he was with her and was a puppet for a lot of

> her crap w/me,

> but the last time I saw him was the first time I

> ever saw him in 5

> years stand up to nada. I was proud for him. And yet

> he internalized

> her insanity (as well as his nada who lived closed

> by) the same way

> my dad did w/his nada and maybe even my nada(though

> my nada wasn't

> anywhere near as crazy before my dad died as she got

> after he died-

> the trauma triggering for bps as well as her youth

> being a factor of

> indecision as to the development of truly being bpd-

> she is,w/o a

> doubt a bp).The last thing her fiance said to her

> the morning she

> took off for work was 'I have a headache. Do you

> have any

> asprin? " Nada's reply " All I've got is Tylenol PM.

> But you should've

> taken that last night. " - like he was a moron- of

> course the

> compassion is overwhelming. And so he turned on the

> car in their

> garage but never left home.

>

> I've never prayed to God to have mercy on anyone's

> soul as much as I

> have all my life for my grandnada.Now I feel the

> same about my nada

> as they are the most sickest, vile creatures to walk

> the earth-

> didn't actually kill anyone but got the victim to do

> themselves in.

> Brilliantly diabolical. My nada's and grandnada's

> souls strike me

> very much like that creature Gollum in The Lord of

> the Rings. Oh how

> I related to its hideousness when I saw it in the

> movies. Finally

> someone capitulating the essence of how a KO views

> their biological

> predecessors (I hate to use to the word 'parent'.

> I'm a parent and it

> seems an abomination to my vocation)!!!!

>

> Within a month of nada's fiance's suicide, another

> good friend of

> mine, killed herself. She'd been on

> disability for the past

> year for back problems and in retrospect, the

> writing was on the wall

> w/her depression, but I just didn't pick up the

> warning signs w/all

> that was going on in my life between getting over

> the fact I'll never

> have a relationship w/nada and having two little

> boys in diapers. I

> wish I did have time in retrospect for my good

> friend and I wish

> she'd known about nada's fiance's suicide as she

> never would've done

> that to me- had me deal w/two suicides in less than

> a month's time

> frame (and I've only ever known one other person my

> whole life to

> kill themselves).

>

> But came from an abusive alcoholic home and

> her immediate older

> brother died the day before he was suppose to come

> back home from

> Vietnam. She worshipped the ground he walked on and

> was 16 when he

> died. But to top it off, it was Christmas eve and so

> she never

> forgave God for that one. She had such a sad life

> and yet as an

> outsider, I could look in and try and tell her he's

> still with her

> always just as my dad always is, but it never got

> through to her.

> Only the bitterness and disappointment. She was

> never a bp or an

> addict though a bit of an enabler at times, but it

> was like she

> walked through life screaming 'please don't hurt me'

> and the wounds

> from her brother were always so transparent. As much

> as I related to

> her woundedness, I also saw in her what I never

> wanted to be-

> spiritually crippled and unable to live again. I

> know her brother

> wouldn't have wanted that for her and I tried to

> tell her that, but

> she could only see her pain and so rightfully, it

> manifested itself

> in her back. Surgery after surgery and then at the

> age of 52 she

> started losing sensation in her legs and that was

> it. No husband or

> kids and so she thought her life had no meaning and

> she killed

> herself. She's not so different in that way than my

> dad- wounds from

> childhood killing the lifeblood of today (and it

> wasn't just her

> brother, but the abuse from her father growing up

> and her mother had

> finally passed away four years ago and so she didn't

> seem to think

> she was still of use on earth- but to serve- never

> to live).

>

> Your post touches me in the scariest parts of my

> self. The need to

> hold the mirror up to my soul and say " are you

> trying to live or die?

> Which is it? " I don't want to be like my dad and

> give myself cancer

> from all the internal bs I hold onto. And while I'm

> quite certain I

> would never kill myself like nada's fiance or my

> friend I also

> see the crippleness of their souls and how even

> though they were

> alive, they were still enslaved by the traumas of

> their past- though

> not bp, still unable to fully love or live. I don't

> want these wounds

> from this past year to cripple me like that. I just

> don't. I don't

> think that's what my dad or my friend or any of

> these other souls

> that have left would want for my life.I don't want

> this for me and

> truly, I am quite certain your brother would also

> want you to live

> and to learn how to love (which was never modeled in

> our youth and

> God has it ever been the greatest challenge of my

> life to learn what

> that means- love!).

>

> I weep for the dead. Right now. This minute. And it

> hurts sooo bad.

> So bad. And I also know in the depths of my soul, it

> is good to feel

> this much right now and to let it go. To learn how

> to live and how to

> love and to cry and not be constantly haunted by the

> pains of this

> past year or any other year for that matter, but

> especially this past

> year.

>

> The footprints they have left on my soul will last

> my lifetime and

> yet I honor them all the more by living and loving

> and not succumbing

> only to the trauma, but rather the good parts they

> left in my life-

> the parts of me that are better b/c they have left

> these footprints

> on my soul. Ouch though. Just ouch.

>

> Again, thank you for your post that really made me

> look deep within

> at the lesson of my life this past year and many

> years leading up to

> it (and those two are not the only deathes- just the

> ones that are

> perhaps hardest for me to reconcile). I genuinely do

> feel in the

> getting it all out I'm ready for a vastly different

> kind of year this

> year. Thank you again.

>

> Kerrie

>

> >

> > Greg,

> >

> > Your response and story about my issues reminding

> you of

> > similarities with your brother and family was

> touching. As I keep

> > saying, it intrigues me to hear such similarities.

>

> >

> > I find it so sick how nada lied, manipulated, and

> just caused such

> > damage via abuse, drugs, emotions, etc. The one

> place in my heart

> > that hurts the most is the loss of my brother to

> cancer. I hate to

> > say this, but I blame nada for him getting cancer,

> and so did he.

> I

> > just cannot come to terms with what nada and my

> father did to him.

> > Things like making him choke by shoving food so

> far down his

> throat,

> > so my father would think he was puking his food

> and beat him to

> > simply calling him worthless, and selfish to think

> that anyone else

> > wanted him. They would tell him things like " we

> were the only ones

> > that felt sorry enough for you, and this is the

> way you thank us. "

> > HELLLOOOOOO! He didn't ask for them!!! When he

> left at 16 to go

> > live with his uncle (an alcoholic) he was

> diagnosed with cancer

> > three months later and didn't have the money for

> chemotherapy, so

> he

> > sued my parents for child support, and lost

> because my parents

> filed

> > bankrupcy. They cleared 200 thousand a year, hid

> there money, and

> > filed bankrupcy. I sold everything I had:

> clothes, jewelery,

> > heirlooms, anything to raise money for him to get

> the medical

> > attention necessary. Then I was the two faced

> back stabbing

> > daughter, according to nada. I remember holding

> him as a baby and

> > hugging him so tight, telling him all would be

> okay...as a baby,

> and

> > then through his chemo., it all played back.

> Ughh, gotta stop,

> > can't hold back the tears right now. But I thank

> you and the many

> > others who have opened a huge door for me, and I

> can't thank you

> > enough for being there, so supportive, and

> listening.

> >

> > erbussmom

> >

>

>

>

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