Scared...

[Guest guest]

This is from my online blog. It just poured out of my head. I re-read

it, and thought maybe I could get some useful input here.

A little background: I'm engaged to be married in June. My nada is

not invited, however, my grannada and suspected BPD aunt are. This is

really long. Sorry about that.

So....

Past couple of days.... I don't know....

I think I don't wanna get married. I think I'm scared to.

Don't get me wrong. I love J more than I (and probably anybody who

knows me well at all) ever thought possible. I do want to marry him.

I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't honestly

think of anything I want more, truthfully.

But getting married is scary to me. Nobody I know who is (or was)

married is (or was) as happy as they were before they got married.

Honestly, I'm wondering what marriage changes exactly. I mean, you're

the same people, right? One of your names changes, and actually that

happens less and less often. I mean... Does the love fail? Does it

change and mutate into something painful and undesireable after

marriage? Does it die? Is it all the stress that goes along with this

new experience? Cuz... It shouldn't be like that.

Marriage is a sacred institution between two human beings

demonstrating love, trust, respect and a desire to care for them for

all time. Right? Or did I miss something? Because that's not always

how it is. In fact, that seems to be RARELY how it is. My mom married

my sibling's dad after *brother* was born, and they were together

some eight years. Granted, I was very young, and my memories are

probably very sketchy, but it seems to me he's much happier now than

he was then. Course, it's my MOM we're talking about, not a normal

human being, but still...

My family. My grandparents are married. They're not happy. At least,

not all the time. Not like me and J are now. My aunt and uncle have

four kids and they're not happy. Not so much as I can tell.

Is it all going to be different? Are those two little words spoken

out of a desire to love, honor, and respect for all eternity going to

ruin this perfect thing I have? Because, if it is, I don't want it.

I'd rather just stay engaged for the rest of my life than ruin what I

have.

I'm not the greatest person in the world. I am by no means perfect. I

have my fair share in the pain and agony this world is collectively

in right now. But, it seems to me, that since everyone deserves

Happy, I do, too. And it also seems to me, that when you find Happy,

and are smart enough and lucky enough to keep it, you don't f*** with

it. You watch it carefully, almost paranoidly, to make sure that

nothing ever threatens it. You don't throw it out in front of the

proverbial train.

Is that what marriage is? A train? One you can't hardly board because

you're too busy getting your legs cut off by it? Are all the

ceremonies and traditions just smoke and mirrors put up to make you

think you're doing sometyhing wonderful and fabulous and life

affirming... when you're really tightening your own noose?

Metaphors are my friends. They express my fears so grandly, so

eloquently. Two things I'm generally not. Grand and eloquent. My

words are poetic, my thoughts are spastic and my body is about 56

years out of date.

Why is it so scary? I don't generally fear change, not when I so

crave the symbolism behind the change. Maybe that's it. Maybe all I

really wanted was symbolism and theories. I'm significantly more

comfortable with the intangible than I am with the concrete. One of

my personality failings.

I'm also a bit afraid that my family will mess it up FOR me. I don't

want that, not just cuz it'd be my day they'd ruin, but it's J's,

too. And I damn well know that if I'm upset, he'll be upset. Neither

of us should be upset.

I think I'm a bit afraid that I'm secretly a monster to be compared

with... certain other females. Think Medusa. A Siren. I'm not

convinced that I'm not an evil, manipulative, abusive... creature.

And I'm definitely not convinced that getting married isn't going to

be the trigger for my " true self " .

God. If you ever get diagnosed with BPD, don't f***ing have kids!

That's not fair. It's not all her fault. I'm sure of it. No person

has that kind of influence over another's personality. Course, I

don't know how it works in a " normal " family.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

Neko Jaimie