Re: Touching base after a while

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing those stories - I must admit they do make me

shiver in disgust. It must have been difficult for you to be able to

trust in the basic goodness of people when raised in that kind of

environment? And a tribute to you that you haven't allowed yourselves

to turn into your parents.

> > >

> > > Hi All, I realized I just kind of popped in on the board again

> > > without any re-introduction. I started posting this Fall and

> fade

> > in

> > > and out - read the collection of postings that come to my inbox,

> > but

> > > only post periodically.

> > >

> > > I am in my early 40s with a ndBPD mother and enabling (hate to

> say

> > > dishrag but I know its true) father. My mother has always been

> > > depressed, prone to rages and crying fits, for which I was

> > > responsible to work her out of. She limited relationships with

> > > extended family and continually brought one of my siblings in as

> > her

> > > confidant and ostricized the others. There were some good

> times

> > > (parts of days), but they were always at her mercy, and ended

> when

> > > something didn't go her way. She would cry, threaten suicide,

> > > retreat to her room in hysterics, and I would go to console her

> > until

> > > she would re-emerge and we would continue with they day as

> though

> > > everything was fine and beautiful.

> > >

> > > It is the acting as though all is fine that put knots in my

> > stomach.

> > > I hated the hysterics but mainly because I knew it would be

> > followed

> > > by consoling and caressing and then pretending.

> > >

> > > I felt singularly responsible for my parents happiness until a

> few

> > > years ago. Knots and pangs in my stomach since high school.

> > Guilt

> > > that I went to school, established a career, had fun experiences

> > and

> > > moved away and did not center my life on keeping my parents

> > buoyant.

> > > Every step away I made was done with tears and guilt and grief.

> > >

> > > Now, I go to their house or have them to mine (half the country

> > away)

> > > and at either place, cook, pamper, and arrange activities I

> think

> > are

> > > likely to keep my mother happy. When no one but my husband and

> I

> > are

> > > with my parents, I can control the situation and my mother

> thinks

> > she

> > > has had a good visit and is in a close family. But, as soon as

> my

> > > sibs are around or my mother is otherwise not the center of

> > attention

> > > or I do not act sufficiently close to her, etc. all hell breaks

> > > lose. Jealousy, accusations, weighiness and darkness.

> > >

> > > Until recently, I thought I was going to save my father from her

> > > wrath, since he was so often the subject of it. He seems so

> > > miserable and lonely most of them time. But he doesn't leave

> and

> > > still encourages me to accomodate my mother. I now question the

> > role

> > > my father plays in all this too. Both of them have " needed " me

> > and I

> > > have uncomfortable feelings around both of them - that they want

> > too

> > > much and things for which they should not be looking to me. I

> > think

> > > my father loved me, but how does that play with him sending me

> to

> > lay

> > > with and console my hysterical mother from the time I was barely

> > in

> > > kindergarden?

> > >

> > > I am now meeting with a therapist, which seems extravagent to me

> > > since I am reasonably stable and productive. But the lack of

> > > parenting I experienced still plays into my way of thinking and

> > > living. I am gaining perspective and learning skills from the

> > > therapist (an M.A. / LPC with knowledge of BPD) that I feel will

> > help

> > > me live fuller. Mainly, I am becoming more present for my other

> > > family members. Until now, so much of my emotional energy has

> > gone

> > > to guilt and sorrow for my parents.

> > >

> > > Caitlyn

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>