Re: Miscarriage & RA - Help w/Info

June 19, 2005

In a message dated 6/19/2005 10:51:13 A.M. Pacific Standard Time,

its_all_in_my_details@... writes:

I was a Maternity Nurse (in fact was the Head Nurse on the evening

shift for years)- not that this makes me expert, but if you ever want

to talk...please just email me, then we can exchange phone numbers if

you like.

Love,

I would encourage you, Cat, to utilize as a resource and support, as

well as this list, during this difficult time. I, too, had a miscarriage and

it's difficult. I am in graduate school again and am studying mental health and

chose to use miscarriage as a topic to help me with my grieving process as a

way to cope. I learned a lot not only about the physical aspects and all but

also the psychological aspects and the potentials for depression not only

immediately after but even 6 months down the road from the miscarriage,

especially if one has a history of depression. There is a follow up appointment

for

postpartum checks but not for miscarriages and it wouldn't be a bad idea I've

learned. It's considered such a " common occurrence " (in a first trimester

that is) that it is taken in stride by the medical profession but to each

individual, it has such meaning and often grief, even if the pregnancy was

unplanned.

As I said, please email and/or talk to and others. I will be thinking

of you. I was on Methotrexate.

Abby

June 19, 2005

Dearest Abby,

I am so sorry for your loss. And you are right, MD's really do

take it in stride. Us poor women NEVER get the recognition we deserve

in SO many ways...

I was horrified to realize working in OB/Maternity that fully 1/3 of

ALL women have had one or more misscarriages! And that 1/3 of all

pregnancies end in miscarriages! That means for every 3 pregnancies

one woman has, at least one of them will end in loss. AND I am not

even discussing abortion here - that's a whole different discussion.

Grief is a tricky thing. It truly is our " friend " in one aspect -

We NEED it, and it never (really) leaves our side -until we no longer

need it. I know thats probably a strange way to think of it but its

true.

Grief is a normal reaction to an abnormal crises, a loss of any

kind cuts off the flow of " future " that we all need to sustain

ourselves.Grief gives us a way to purge our soul of overwhelming

sadness and anger. If we dont grieve " properly " we will never fully

rid ourselves of unhealthy sadness and anger -these emotions can (and

often will) turn into clinical and long-term depression and/or

bitterness and contempt. " Proper " grief is not a script, as

Kubler Ross, and some other " grief Specialists " had us buy into in

the 1980's. Yes, as Ross predicted, there is " denial, anger,

depression, bargaining, and ultimately acceptance; but there is no

specific order or time-table that is very predictably followed -

accept hopefully " acceptance " when all is said and done.

I have had the honor and privelage of being with many individuals

and families in their final hours and deaths, and I can tell you that

grief and mourning comes in all different sizes and shapes. There is

no " one size fits all " . I have seen a mother lay prostrate in the

death bed of her daughter, clinging defiantly to her only child's

body as if she could " will " her back to life, after a particularly

brutal lost battle with breast cancer. Her spouse, and even many of

the hospital personelle were so uncomfortable with this mother's

grief process. But why? It actually was no ones business but that

moms. And I saw to it that everyone left her be so that she could do

what she needed to do. She laid like that with her daughter for 5

hours. And believe it or not, she was the better for having been able

to hold her girl one last time. To shut off that process would have

been like trying to hold back Niagra Falls, and possibly emotionally

lethal for the mom. It's amazing how many thought just the opposite -

that allowing her to do this " strange behaviour " that made everyone

else uncomfortable would somehow " break " the woman, causing her

to " go over the edge. " Not so. Months later, I rec'd a beautiful card

from her. She was fine, and wanted me to know that BECAUSE I treated

her as though what she did was normal (and it was, for her), she

rec'd better support from those around her- and she somehow felt that

she had " completed " what her soul cried out for.

My point: Don't deprive your soul from completing it's Grief mission -

whatever that may be. There is no " normal " or " abnormal. " There

only " IS. " And only we, ourselves, can determine when we are done.

Love,

>

> In a message dated 6/19/2005 10:51:13 A.M. Pacific Standard Time,

> its_all_in_my_details@y... writes:

>

> I was a Maternity Nurse (in fact was the Head Nurse on the evening

> shift for years)- not that this makes me expert, but if you ever

want

> to talk...please just email me, then we can exchange phone numbers

if

> you like.

> Love,

>

> I would encourage you, Cat, to utilize as a resource and

support, as

> well as this list, during this difficult time. I, too, had a

miscarriage and

> it's difficult. I am in graduate school again and am studying

mental health and

> chose to use miscarriage as a topic to help me with my grieving

process as a

> way to cope. I learned a lot not only about the physical aspects

and all but

> also the psychological aspects and the potentials for depression

not only

> immediately after but even 6 months down the road from the

miscarriage,

> especially if one has a history of depression. There is a follow

up appointment for

> postpartum checks but not for miscarriages and it wouldn't be a

bad idea I've

> learned. It's considered such a " common occurrence " (in a first

trimester

> that is) that it is taken in stride by the medical profession but

to each

> individual, it has such meaning and often grief, even if the

pregnancy was

> unplanned.

>

> As I said, please email and/or talk to and others. I will be

thinking

> of you. I was on Methotrexate.

>

> Abby

>

June 19, 2005