Re: Need advice about a friend

[Guest guest]

Lizzy,

Here's my $.02. If I were you, I would separate the ownership of

the action with a statment like, " Wait. My son doesn't do that.

I'm assuming that by including him with your son's actions you are

really looking for support around your son's issues. Please don't

accuse my son of doing stuff he doesn't do and please let me know

how I can help support you. "

If she freaks out, that's her biz, not yours. You'll have been as

supportive as you could while drawing a boundary.

I'm guessing this blaming of your son is a trigger for you because

as a kid you were blammed for things you didn't do and then

punished. You don't have to necessarily go into this with your

friend. Putting down the boundary and just plainly saying, no he

doesn't do that, is strong enough. Facts are facts. You can offer

emotional support to your friend by validating her feelings and

asking her questions to help her think out how she wants to handle

it.

Cheers,

a

>

> I have a really good friend and she has been doing something that

> has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me

enough

> to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go about

> it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

> about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

>

> So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son she

> says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does " and

> then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time

it

> is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It really

> bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for her

> child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that

thing

> is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

> threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

> child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

> several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

> both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

> doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her son

> will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he is

> very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

> drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what

does

> my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my child! "

> But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't

want

> to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

> that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel

alone

> but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

> enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

> about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are different

he

> does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ? I

> feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and the

> fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

> damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should do.

> Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

> before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

I would say " Gosh, it's been so long since my son has done that, I

wouldn't know the first thing about it. Sorry. "

Or " No, actually my son doesn't do that. "

Be sure and have a puzzled, quizzical look on your face --

completely devoid of any recognition of whatever she's talking about.

That would bother me, too. Sounds like she's afraid to simply have

a problem with her son, like any parent. Like she lacks the self-

confidence to be vulnerable to the behavior/misbehavior of her child.

All parents have been there -- she needs to learn to buck up and

handle it on her own. She's trying to drag you everywhere her son

takes her. Correct her on her facts -- Call her on it -- Especially

if she's spreading misinformation to 3rd parties.....

>

> I have a really good friend and she has been doing something that

> has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me

enough

> to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go about

> it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

> about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

>

> So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son she

> says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does " and

> then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time

it

> is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It really

> bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for her

> child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that

thing

> is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

> threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

> child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

> several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

> both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

> doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her son

> will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he is

> very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

> drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what

does

> my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my child! "

> But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't

want

> to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

> that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel

alone

> but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

> enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

> about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are different

he

> does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ? I

> feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and the

> fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

> damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should do.

> Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

> before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know Lizzy. I've got friends who parent different than me and

it has definitely been a bone of contention, but my child is younger

unfortunately and so I've had to distance myself b/c I won't put my

kid in harm's way. But I do find myself complaining a lot to another

mutual friend who sees the problem and gets equally as irritated as

me but doesn't have as strong of a reaction as I do- she goes around

more often and her son gets bullied more. Me, I just jump in and

reprimand the other kid and leave and realize I'm not hanging out as

much as I use to.

I think your friend is in denial about her parenting skills and uses

you to project her laziness and fears. By making it seem like your

child was once where her kid was, then she can dismiss the behavior

problems easier and doesn't have to do as much research on her end as

to how to alter her child's behavior. If you are going to stay close

to, which I'm not one whose like that as I said earlier, then I

probably would have to say something but try to be charitable. People

in denial definitely don't want to hear the truth or else they

wouldn't be in denial and nobody wants to feel like a bad parent

(though of course we can all relate to what horrid parents are like).

Its a fine line to walk to teach someone how to parent their child.

It is gift, but also a burden in the same breathe depending on how

receptive the parent is and how couthe you can pull it off. I do

think you sound like you need more firm boundaries though when she's

irritating you on the topic of parenting and comparing notes. Maybe

ask her why she feels the need to constantly compare her child to

yours for a sense of normal? Maybe tell her every child is different

w/different needs and while stages may be similar, some kids need

more attention and firm direction.

Its definitely a pickle, but my way of coping is to have other

outside friends to bend an ear on this topic so I'm not overly

frustrated or feeling isolated in my observations. I'm still friends,

but I just don't do playdates and I've learned she doesn't discuss

much in the ways of parenting w/me anymore and so that's fine for me.

Best wishes.

Kerrie

>

> I have a really good friend and she has been doing something that

> has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me enough

> to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go about

> it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

> about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

>

> So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son she

> says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does " and

> then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time it

> is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It really

> bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for her

> child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that thing

> is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

> threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

> child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

> several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

> both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

> doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her son

> will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he is

> very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

> drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what

does

> my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my child! "

> But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't want

> to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

> that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel

alone

> but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

> enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

> about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are different

he

> does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ? I

> feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and the

> fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

> damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should do.

> Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

> before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

>

[Guest guest]

I totally agree with Kyla's approach, especially acting quizzical

about her comments. I think if you do that often enough, you will

find that she stops this behavior. (You're modifying her

behavior.) If she is not the type who usually analyzes things,

asking her directly about what she is doing will probably just get

her to deny it, and tell you that you are off track. (We know you

aren't!) If you enjoy her company, and there aren't other problems

with the relationship, I'd say give this a try and see what

happens.

Take care,

Sylvia

> >

> > I have a really good friend and she has been doing something

that

> > has been bothering me lately. I am not sure if it bothers me

> enough

> > to set a boundary and if do set one I am not sure how to go

about

> > it. Also b/c we all now each other I am not comfortable talking

> > about it to anybody here b/c I don't want to gossip.

> >

> > So here is the story. Every time she has a problem w/ he son

she

> > says to me " you know that thing that your son and my son does "

and

> > then she will go on to tell me what her kid did. 90% of the time

> it

> > is something that my son has outgrown like 5 years ago! It

really

> > bothers me. It feels like she is not taking responsibility for

her

> > child and she is projecting her problems on to me by say that

> thing

> > is something that both of our kids do. One example is " her child

> > threw a fit when she left him at preschool like my kid did " . My

> > child has never done that in fact he loved going to preschool

> > several years go when he went!! Another thing she said was " they

> > both take things out of their sibling hands " but my son stopped

> > doing that years ago after he was out of the toddler age. Her

son

> > will be 5 in 2 months and should pretty much know better but he

is

> > very hyper active I know this so I just give him space. But she

> > drives me nuts when she says this! I just want to say " no what

> does

> > my kid do why don't you tell my obviously I don't know my

child! "

> > But she is my friend I don't want to start a fight and I don't

> want

> > to hurt her but she is hurting me and does not even know. I know

> > that feeling of having your hands full and not wanting to feel

> alone

> > but why is she projecting her sons problems onto my son, he has

> > enough of his own problems! Now I feel like I can't talk to her

> > about my sons problems b/c he is older his problems are

different

> he

> > does not have those problems, will she be even more judgmental ?

I

> > feel like our problems run deep b/c of nada and being n/c and

the

> > fact we lived w/ her for a few years I think living w/ her was

> > damaging to all of us. Gosh I really don't know what I should

do.

> > Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody had anything like this

> > before? Any help is much appreciated. Thanks Lizzy

> >

>