Re: Scared...

January 3, 2007

Calm down. Your going to be okay. Your just have what we

call " fleas'. It is a little different in all of us but similar in

that fact we all suffer from ANXIETY!!! Oh, that can be really hard

to get a handle on. Do you have a theropist? If not get one. If you

are a KO you need to work out the damage caused by your nada and

FOO, For yourself and your future husband ( and maybe kids ). KO

often have fear of losing themselves in someone elses needs and

wants.

Even if it is just our fear of this it is very real to us because

the draining of ourselves from our nadas and FOOs. Only you can

answer whether you want to get married or not but please answer that

with a clear mind and not one that is full of fear and anxiety. This

is a major life change. I will say this you can only control

yourself and what you do. You are going to change as a person

married or not and so will he. It is tough and scary and there is a

high divorce rate-OK-SO, because some people aren't meant to be, is

that going to stop you from trying? You can not live a life of

regrets based on what ifs and fear or it will pass you by. Lifes

hard, so is marriage and kids and alot of other things in this

world. If its for you suck it up and give it your best shot and if

you fail you will still be breathing. If you succeed, than great!

And if you decide it is not for you for now or forever, That's okay

too and you can still be very happy. What is good for you isn't

always good for somebody else. Highly unlikely your bpd, but see

theropist that can help you.

P.s. Its okay not to invite your family or anyone you don't want to.

it can just be you and him. It your life. Your choice. I would

suggest you make sure you know yourself and love yourself before you

ask someone ask to know you and love you.

>

> This is from my online blog. It just poured out of my head. I re-

read

> it, and thought maybe I could get some useful input here.

>

> A little background: I'm engaged to be married in June. My nada is

> not invited, however, my grannada and suspected BPD aunt are. This

is

> really long. Sorry about that.

>

> So....

>

> Past couple of days.... I don't know....

>

> I think I don't wanna get married. I think I'm scared to.

>

> Don't get me wrong. I love J more than I (and probably anybody who

> knows me well at all) ever thought possible. I do want to marry

him.

> I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't honestly

> think of anything I want more, truthfully.

>

> But getting married is scary to me. Nobody I know who is (or was)

> married is (or was) as happy as they were before they got married.

>

> Honestly, I'm wondering what marriage changes exactly. I mean,

you're

> the same people, right? One of your names changes, and actually

that

> happens less and less often. I mean... Does the love fail? Does it

> change and mutate into something painful and undesireable after

> marriage? Does it die? Is it all the stress that goes along with

this

> new experience? Cuz... It shouldn't be like that.

>

> Marriage is a sacred institution between two human beings

> demonstrating love, trust, respect and a desire to care for them

for

> all time. Right? Or did I miss something? Because that's not

always

> how it is. In fact, that seems to be RARELY how it is. My mom

married

> my sibling's dad after *brother* was born, and they were together

> some eight years. Granted, I was very young, and my memories are

> probably very sketchy, but it seems to me he's much happier now

than

> he was then. Course, it's my MOM we're talking about, not a normal

> human being, but still...

>

> My family. My grandparents are married. They're not happy. At

least,

> not all the time. Not like me and J are now. My aunt and uncle

have

> four kids and they're not happy. Not so much as I can tell.

>

> Is it all going to be different? Are those two little words spoken

> out of a desire to love, honor, and respect for all eternity going

to

> ruin this perfect thing I have? Because, if it is, I don't want

it.

> I'd rather just stay engaged for the rest of my life than ruin

what I

> have.

>

> I'm not the greatest person in the world. I am by no means

perfect. I

> have my fair share in the pain and agony this world is

collectively

> in right now. But, it seems to me, that since everyone deserves

> Happy, I do, too. And it also seems to me, that when you find

Happy,

> and are smart enough and lucky enough to keep it, you don't f***

with

> it. You watch it carefully, almost paranoidly, to make sure that

> nothing ever threatens it. You don't throw it out in front of the

> proverbial train.

>

> Is that what marriage is? A train? One you can't hardly board

because

> you're too busy getting your legs cut off by it? Are all the

> ceremonies and traditions just smoke and mirrors put up to make

you

> think you're doing sometyhing wonderful and fabulous and life

> affirming... when you're really tightening your own noose?

>

> Metaphors are my friends. They express my fears so grandly, so

> eloquently. Two things I'm generally not. Grand and eloquent. My

> words are poetic, my thoughts are spastic and my body is about 56

> years out of date.

>

> Why is it so scary? I don't generally fear change, not when I so

> crave the symbolism behind the change. Maybe that's it. Maybe all

I

> really wanted was symbolism and theories. I'm significantly more

> comfortable with the intangible than I am with the concrete. One

of

> my personality failings.

>

> I'm also a bit afraid that my family will mess it up FOR me. I

don't

> want that, not just cuz it'd be my day they'd ruin, but it's J's,

> too. And I damn well know that if I'm upset, he'll be upset.

Neither

> of us should be upset.

>

> I think I'm a bit afraid that I'm secretly a monster to be

compared

> with... certain other females. Think Medusa. A Siren. I'm not

> convinced that I'm not an evil, manipulative, abusive... creature.

> And I'm definitely not convinced that getting married isn't going

to

> be the trigger for my " true self " .

>

> God. If you ever get diagnosed with BPD, don't f***ing have kids!

>

> That's not fair. It's not all her fault. I'm sure of it. No person

> has that kind of influence over another's personality. Course, I

> don't know how it works in a " normal " family.

>

> Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

>

> Neko Jaimie

>

January 3, 2007

Hi Neko,

I tried to reply earlier, and had problems with my 'puter. I think

you are right in your assessment of what a marriage should be. Do

you know if your future husband thinks the same way. I would think

that is important to know.

As for why so many marriages don't work out, I'll just give you a

run down of why my marriage didn't work, and why I decided not to go

into a second marriage just 1 month before the wedding. I found

that my exhusband, and then my future husband, both had expectations

that I, and our relationship, would change after marriage. (Guess I

was hanging around some dumb guys!) Fortunately for me, I

recognized this before I went into a second marriage. I have seen

this in other relationships as well. Some men and women seem to

think that certain behavior is okay outside of marriage, but it

should change after marriage. For example, when I was about to be

married for the 2nd time, I was not a good cook. But I learned that

my fiance expected that after marriage, I would cook certain meals,

and I would cook them in a prescribed way. (Red flags were waving

and bells and alarms were ringing when I made this discovery.) I

think it is these expectations of how someone is going to be

DIFFERENT after marriage that causes many of the relationships to

fail.

I understand that you are scared to get married. But is that

because of anything your fiance has done - or is it because of other

failed relationships. Your don't have to be the greatest person in

the world, but it would be great if you fiance thought you were!!!

I think it would be helpful if you knew if your fiance felt the same

way. And it would also be helpful if you two had a plan on how you

would handle problems. The problems will happen. Life is not

smooth sailing. If you have some ideas of how you want to handle

differences, before they occur, that would help.

Hope this reply has helped you,

Sylvi

>