so sad

[Guest guest]

amazing how someone could be so sad yet appear so happy.

i am so glad i got to talk to peggy and her son bill today. before

that, i had been alone all day, missing my kids, not knowing what to

do with my time and i felt soooooo down. my favorite past time is

singing, and i'm not half bad.....but today even that wasn't

cheering me up.

ginger i so know what you meant by the comment you made to me last

night, which i will not repeat and i know i kind of got on your case

about it, when i fact i felt that exact same way today.

i try to convince myself i am passed the anger phase, the denial

phase, the who gives a rats' ass phase....but i think no matter how

hard we try we are never really and truly passed any of these phases.

i do cherish each and everything everyone here has to share. it's so

much easier sometimes to share my thoughts and feelings with the

friends and family i have made here...does that seem weird? that i

can express to you all how i feel at any given moment but i have

trouble expressing those same feelings to my own family by marriage

and blood??? i often feel it is because i want to protect them from

all the things i feel and am going through in my head sometimes.

i used to be the strong one in everything and now i feel so weak and

helpless i don't know what to do with myself sometimes.

here is it ..almost 2:30 in the morning and i am sitting here crying

and for what?? crying isn't going to change anything or make me feel

better...going to cut down my breathing ability, yet i can't seem to

control it at this very moment......what am i to do?? i always try

to be so happy and make everyone around me happy, am i dragging

myself down by trying to make everyone else feel better?? i have so

much to be thankful for.....why do i feel this way???????

i feel so alone and i fricken HARE it! i hate being sick, i hate

feeling this way, i hate knowing there is not a damn thing i can do

to change it for myself or anyone else here.

i was always taught God does not put more on a person than they can

bear but boy do i feel like he is testing me right this minute...

i'm sorry if i made anyone else feel down with this post, but i

needed to get this off of my chest.

thanks for listening.

jaime in houston