BUT YOU DON'T LOOK SICK - BY NICOLE CODY

[Guest guest]

HOW ARE YOU...REALLY?

by Cody

Don't be fooled by my skin. On the outside I look whole. Healthy. I am

not who I appear to be. Do you do this with characters inside your head,

or people whom you meet on the street? Think that the way they look is

how they are? Think of a woman, with a swing to her lithe hips,

cigarette clenched between thin red lips. Do her clothes and body

express exactly what's on the inside of her?

Think about this for a minute. How looks can deceive. Maybe the leather

clad, hip swinging rail thin chain smoker is actually trapped inside the

middle-aged body of a pudgy librarian. Or the athletic and handsome

youth has the sickly, smoky rattle of addiction inside him.

Flaws. The unexpected. I'm a writer who has come to appreciate flaws. To

see the gift in them. A flaw within a character enriches on the page or

the screen much as it does in life. For what ever goes to plan? And how

much of that planned and replanned writing or event then loses the

spontaneity, the richness, the truth? Just like in life... Things are

seldom as they appear. Dig deeper. Be brave enough to create rather than

contrive. Be brave enough to admit the flaw within yourself, or the

person in front of you. Even when it's ugly. Even when it's raw or

prickly. Even when it's beautiful and good. Life has many textures and

tastes. And I am coming to discover that all of them are necessary, and

all of them are good.

It is difficult at times for me to come to terms with the fact that my

current medical condition is hidden from most people's view. I have a

flaw which is wreaking havoc with my life. But it's hidden away in my

brain. I don't have an obvious handicap or deformity. There is no blood

gushing, or nasty pustular rash. I look, well... normal. And because I

look normal, most people accept me as normal, and question my actions

when I act like a crotchety old forgetful woman, who is the person I

feel like a lot of the time. I may feel tired and sick, even downright

deathly. When I feel this bad it shows, but it still isn't very

dramatic. Most people go for a more obvious solution to how I look. (Oh,

you look a little pale today, dear. Didn't get much sleep last night

hey? Was Hubby home? Nudge. Nudge. Oh, bad hair day today, Nik?) At

times like this I wish I had a sign around my neck, or a flashing light,

so that others could know when to show me some concern or compassion, or

at least stay out of my way!

People ask me how I am, and I always tell them, " Fine, thank you. "

" Good " they say. " You look well " . And I do. Mostly. You cannot see or

smell my rot. But I can taste it.

My girlfriend went to the corner store recently to buy a loaf of bread,

and as she was being served she asked the man behind the counter " How

are you today? " To her surprise he started to tell her of an enormously

painful cold sore that was starting to develop on his top lip, and how

he had been awake all night with explosive diarrhea from eating bad

take-away food.

She related this story to me after she asked me how I was, as friends do

when they meet for coffee. I had avoided telling my friend about my

recent diagnosis of a bacterial infection of my brain. It just seemed

like my life was sounding so 'Days of our Lives'. My friend has listened

as over the past fourteen years I have been through a litany of

maladies, as well as crazy family and personal dramas. Even I am bored

of how un-normal so many aspects of my life seem to be. In fact, I've

stopped telling people I am ill. So, with a steady gaze I looked in my

friend's eyes and said, " I'm fine, thank you. "

She then put her hand on my arm, and said, " You're not, are you? " " It's

okay. I asked because I DO want to know. Please tell me. " And she

related how asking the man in the shop the same question had made her

realize that she DIDN'T want to know how he was - she had just been

making conversation.

So you see, that is how life is. Some people really care - and they

really do want to know. A lot of people around you have problems of

their own. A head full of personal worries about things YOU may never

know about. They may keep those things hidden from you, and that is

their choice. And when they ask you how you are, they will just be

making conversation. The hard part for us is knowing when to talk, and

when to shut up and say " I'm fine, thank you. "

I have found it helpful to have a support group - a few friends and

family whom I have shared my entire medical history with. And then I

keep them updated. This allows them to know how I REALLY am, and it

saves me from putting up the " I'm fine! " pretense all of the time, which

can be downright exhausting. There are other people whom I've explained

a shortened and scaled down version of my health situation. That's more

than enough for them to cope with, and we're not close enough for more

information to be warranted.

But I no longer try to explain the ins and outs of how I really am on

the inside to most people, because even some of your family and friends

just won't want to know. Or they'll want the Readers Digest version

-short, sweet and with a happy ending. Or even worse, they won't believe

you, because you look fine to them! Know what I mean?

Within your life you have a circle of people who matter to you. Let them

know how you feel. Try and explain to them what a good day is like for

you, and a bad day. They might not have ever realized. Especially if

you're like me, and look mostly okay on the outside. Maybe you're not

doing yourself any favors by martyring on as if you ARE fine. Because

acting this way, how will others ever know that you're just dying inside

and that some days are the most supreme effort for you while everyone

around you is on cruise control!

People on the street, or outside your circle of people who matter? Well,

find a standard answer to their standard question and leave it at that.

You have better things to do with your energy and time. Don't be

offended by their lack of interest - you may not be interested in their

tax dilemmas or Grandma Hogan's flatulence problem that they want to

tell you about either!

I've found that if I can believe in, and support myself, and have one or

two people who believe in me too, then that is enough. And more than

many people will ever have.

Copyright© 2001-2003. Cody. .

------------------------------------------------------------------------