Re: A Mixed Blessing

October 9, 2008

Hey ,

All sorts of stories and beliefs that can be inquired into here :-)

She expects you to look after them

You should look after them

Life would be better if you didn't go and live with them

(I couldn't imagine living with my parents, granted, I'm not looking

after them - after more than a year, we're all still alive :-) )

My parents wouldn't consider my rights

My family (parents and brothers?) expect me to move in and look after

my parents

And I'm sure there are many more beliefs that you could inquire into -

a rich area to work with.

Btw, your mother sounds great - 75 and she's talking (maybe joking)

about being looked after in her old age - at what point does old age

start exactly? :-)

Jon

October 9, 2008

,

I would really really (two really's to show how serious I am) urge you to NOT

(note the caps) even entertain the thought of refusing the $100,000 because

there may be strings attached.

First, your brothers have their money and there are no strings.

Second, you don't know what will happen to your parents as they age. Not to be

crude but sometimes people have a heart attack and keel over and that's that, no

need for care. My grandmother was run over by a bus crossing a city street.

So I'm suggesting that you resist the story will move in and take care of

her parents, whether that story eminates from you or from them. You simply don't

know what will happen. Take the money, make no promises and move on with your

happy life (be careful not to put the money anywhere risky these days.)

Vivian

A Mixed Blessing

I've been living off around $15,000 a year. I live simply for the

most part, often work jobs where room and board are provided, didn't

own a vehicle for about 8 years, lived out of an old camper van for a

few months this year. Overall pretty happy with the freedom I have,

to go where I want and do what I want, as long as it doesn't cost too

much.

My mom has been telling me for the past few months she and my dad

have been thinking about giving us kids (I have 3 older brothers, all

married - two with kids) some early inheritence money. That sounded

good to me, I seem to have made some progress in letting go of the

belief 'I need to earn the money I get'.

Well, just got off the phone with her and it's

$100,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohmygod! My brothers have already received

theirs, and she said they've paid off their mortages and businesses.

I was thinking I'd bank it and maybe draw a $1000 a month, not really

change my lifestyle, just have a few extra bucks for the simple

pleasures I sometimes pass on due to thinking I can't afford it.

But in our phone conversation, after my mom told me the amount, she

added, 'but we're going to be expecting you kids to take care of us

in our old age' then she laughed. She turned 75 today, my dad's a few

years older.

She's commented a few times to me - 'we know you'll move in with us

when we need help' - these comments are made kinda off the cuff, not

in a serious sit down face to face, usually followed by short

laughter on her part (and a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach on my

part) Once she was talking to someone, and I was standing next to

her, and she said to the person 'yeah, when we got old and need help,

'll move in with us and take care of us, she's single and doesn't

have kids.' And she and the other person laughed. I didn't. I told

her once 'Mom, you've said a few times that I'll move in with you and

dad when you need help, but I really value the way I live, moving

around and seeing the country.' She replied something like 'I know

' and that was that at the time.

I honestly can't think of much I'd rather NOT do than move in with my

parents for a long time and care for them. If I imagine taking a job

caring for an elderly couple in their home, I can kinda see myself

doing that, but there would be some professional distance, and my

rights would be considered, and if they weren't, I'd just quit.

I lived with my parents for nearly a week a few times over the last

few winters, when I moved back to housesit for them. They eat their

meals at an exact time, nothing is ever out of place in their home,

they have white carpeting. Mom put a bed in the basement (concrete

floors and wall, cold) for me when I'm there. Okay, maybe not as bad

as I just made that sound - she did put a rug down there, and there

is an electric blanket and a tv.

When I was a kid, and I would be watching tv, my dad would walk into

living room and without any acknowledgment to me, he'd walk right up

and turn the channel. I often watched The Brady Bunch and The

Partridge Family, shows that showed kids mattered and parents

listened and were involved. That is so not the household I grew up

in. There living room they have now, very comfortable, big screen tv,

but again, if they're home, the tv's on the shows they like to watch,

wich are not the ones I like to watch.

All my dad ever talks to me about is the weather. I can't seem to

find peace around being around someone who doesn't interact with me.

I guess I believe the story people should at least acknowledge and

talk sometimes if they live in the same house.

My parents have a nice home, and they don't interact with people

much. I can imagine they'd hate the idea of moving into an assisted

living home, with strangers taking care of them. They have enough

money they can hire hired help. But I don't think they like the idea

of some stranger coming into their home to care for them and do

cleaning and such.

I get to feeling a little sick when I think that in the future there

could come a time when the family expects me to move in with mom and

dad. I wonder if I have a choice, as either way I think I'd feel bad -

moving in and not liking it, or not moving in and feeling guilty.

My brothers aren't at all the type to do housekeeping or laundry or

prepare meals. When mom said they'd expect us kids to care for them,

I don't see my brothers doing nearly what I'd be expected to do. And

they're the ones who've always lived within a few miles of where we

grew up. They're the ones who choose to live a settled life, not me.

Anyway, as you read this, know that this is my uninvestigated story.

I'll do some 'work' on it.

If I had this money coming from say a lottery winning ticket, I'd

feel so elated at the news.

I'll be seeing my parents in a few weeks, before they leave. Am

thinking of having a sit down talk with them, letting them know I

really value my carefree, vagabond, moving a lot seeing a lot

lifestyle. And if the cost of receiving this money means I'd be

giving that up, then maybe I shouldn't accept it.

I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and suggestions.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com

Version: 8.0.173 / Virus Database: 270.7.6/1716 - Release Date: 10/9/2008 9:44

AM

October 9, 2008

My thoughts are honesty, honesty, honesty... I think your idea of

talking to them is a great one. Perhaps you could work out a compromise

where all four kids agree to spend one weekend a month, and the rest is

with hired help... My mom just died a month ago, and we all wish we had

talked about what would happen afterwards with her while she was still

alive.

> I've been living off around $15,000 a year. I live simply for the

> most part, often work jobs where room and board are provided, didn't

> own a vehicle for about 8 years, lived out of an old camper van for a

> few months this year. Overall pretty happy with the freedom I have,

> to go where I want and do what I want, as long as it doesn't cost too

> much.

>

> My mom has been telling me for the past few months she and my dad

> have been thinking about giving us kids (I have 3 older brothers, all

> married - two with kids) some early inheritence money. That sounded

> good to me, I seem to have made some progress in letting go of the

> belief 'I need to earn the money I get'.

>

> Well, just got off the phone with her and it's

> $100,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohmygod! My brothers have already received

> theirs, and she said they've paid off their mortages and businesses.

>

> I was thinking I'd bank it and maybe draw a $1000 a month, not really

> change my lifestyle, just have a few extra bucks for the simple

> pleasures I sometimes pass on due to thinking I can't afford it.

>

> But in our phone conversation, after my mom told me the amount, she

> added, 'but we're going to be expecting you kids to take care of us

> in our old age' then she laughed. She turned 75 today, my dad's a few

> years older.

>

> She's commented a few times to me - 'we know you'll move in with us

> when we need help' - these comments are made kinda off the cuff, not

> in a serious sit down face to face, usually followed by short

> laughter on her part (and a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach on my

> part) Once she was talking to someone, and I was standing next to

> her, and she said to the person 'yeah, when we got old and need help,

> 'll move in with us and take care of us, she's single and doesn't

> have kids.' And she and the other person laughed. I didn't. I told

> her once 'Mom, you've said a few times that I'll move in with you and

> dad when you need help, but I really value the way I live, moving

> around and seeing the country.' She replied something like 'I know

> ' and that was that at the time.

>

> I honestly can't think of much I'd rather NOT do than move in with my

> parents for a long time and care for them. If I imagine taking a job

> caring for an elderly couple in their home, I can kinda see myself

> doing that, but there would be some professional distance, and my

> rights would be considered, and if they weren't, I'd just quit.

>

> I lived with my parents for nearly a week a few times over the last

> few winters, when I moved back to housesit for them. They eat their

> meals at an exact time, nothing is ever out of place in their home,

> they have white carpeting. Mom put a bed in the basement (concrete

> floors and wall, cold) for me when I'm there. Okay, maybe not as bad

> as I just made that sound - she did put a rug down there, and there

> is an electric blanket and a tv.

>

> When I was a kid, and I would be watching tv, my dad would walk into

> living room and without any acknowledgment to me, he'd walk right up

> and turn the channel. I often watched The Brady Bunch and The

> Partridge Family, shows that showed kids mattered and parents

> listened and were involved. That is so not the household I grew up

> in. There living room they have now, very comfortable, big screen tv,

> but again, if they're home, the tv's on the shows they like to watch,

> wich are not the ones I like to watch.

>

> All my dad ever talks to me about is the weather. I can't seem to

> find peace around being around someone who doesn't interact with me.

> I guess I believe the story people should at least acknowledge and

> talk sometimes if they live in the same house.

>

> My parents have a nice home, and they don't interact with people

> much. I can imagine they'd hate the idea of moving into an assisted

> living home, with strangers taking care of them. They have enough

> money they can hire hired help. But I don't think they like the idea

> of some stranger coming into their home to care for them and do

> cleaning and such.

>

> I get to feeling a little sick when I think that in the future there

> could come a time when the family expects me to move in with mom and

> dad. I wonder if I have a choice, as either way I think I'd feel bad -

> moving in and not liking it, or not moving in and feeling guilty.

>

> My brothers aren't at all the type to do housekeeping or laundry or

> prepare meals. When mom said they'd expect us kids to care for them,

> I don't see my brothers doing nearly what I'd be expected to do. And

> they're the ones who've always lived within a few miles of where we

> grew up. They're the ones who choose to live a settled life, not me.

>

> Anyway, as you read this, know that this is my uninvestigated story.

> I'll do some 'work' on it.

>

> If I had this money coming from say a lottery winning ticket, I'd

> feel so elated at the news.

>

> I'll be seeing my parents in a few weeks, before they leave. Am

> thinking of having a sit down talk with them, letting them know I

> really value my carefree, vagabond, moving a lot seeing a lot

> lifestyle. And if the cost of receiving this money means I'd be

> giving that up, then maybe I shouldn't accept it.

>

> I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and suggestions.

>

October 9, 2008

More thoughts on this ,

The more of life that passes, the more I see inquiry as a sane way to

move through it - questioning what I believe is best for others, best

for myself and anything else that comes up. I never saw myself as

someone that would 'settle down' - now I find it hard to imagine

anything else - perhaps because my mind is now more 'settled' than it

has ever been.

You can say yes to the money, no to the money, yes to looking after

your parents, no to looking after your parents and, regardless of what

you say, see what you actually do in the moment.

And I loved what Vivian said about not putting the money anywhere

risky - good luck with that, another set of things to inquire into if

that causes stress :-)

People should do what they say they will do, parents shouldn't expect

to be looked after, etc, etc, etc.

Jon

October 9, 2008

Hi ,

There may well come a time when your family expects you to do something you

do not want to do. That time may in fact be here ie they may already be

expecting that you will care for your parents in a few years!

I saw a great video of doing the work with Oprah who felt that she was

often taken advantage of or pressured into doing something. (loaning money

I think) and was just great on how to deal with that situation. Maybe

you could find that video clip and watch it yourself!

Nothing like being prepared!!!

Namaste

Celebrate The Divine In Everything

October 9, 2008

So , you know what the future holds and hence the need to worry about

it? Yo may never move in with them or you may move in with them and love it

or you may move in with them and hate it, in which case you could just do

the work. You currently live your live day by day, why not do it with 100

000 dollars in the bank? Leave the future for the future girl, you seem to

be so good at it LOL!

October 10, 2008

following up on this again - what a great gift your parents /

mother has given you - not the money, highlighting beliefs/stress that

have been hidden away for you about looking after them.

Your mother / God doing her job and showing you where you're not free

- much bigger than $100k :-)

With love,

Jon

October 10, 2008

how do you know they will live long enough for that to happen.

my brother in law.. Alan lived with mikes parents the last

years of their lives.and alan got 10,000 dollars for

every year-so when the house sold he got 70,000

His sister got a bunch for paying for health care.. and

we got a portion of what was left.

You should in my opinion be paid more of the inheritance

for the time you take care of them.. its only fair.

like get the house or something.. like that..

Also do your parents have a pod.. paid on death on their checking

account..

they might think your after their money if you mention it .. but we

put our kids on our checking as pod..

Bob died with 1000 dollars to his name.. alan couldnt get the

money even though he was power of attorney wihtout a hassel..

if bob had made him pod.. paid on death.. it would of gone

to alan right when he died.. just a suggestion..

it doesnt cost anything its just a form to fill out at the bank.

i hope this doesnt cause a family feud.. or mention this to

your borhters.. or sister in law.. if you think they will

be more receptive.. or maybe one of them could mention this

situation to your parents..

since it does sound like your after the money only and i know

that isnt true.. totally.

about the pod.. and about being paid more for living there..

You should get extra as you will be doing extra work..

unless of course.. they die.. and also alan had caregivers

that bonnie his sister paid for during the day that he was at

work..

SO both mikes parents lived and died at home..

his dad was 93 and his mom late 80s .. and his mom was bed

ridden for a few months.. but over all they were helahty.

never the less.

It could be they will be more mellow with age.. or maybe

talk more.. by some miracle..

Maybe this wont happen.. and if it does it may not be long.

id hate for you to refuse all that money and then regret it..

later..

Id take it and arrange some guidelines for your brothers.. if they

dont want to deal with it you should be paid.. should that happen.

its only fair..

actually alan didnt have to deal with them for 7 years.. exactly it

was more like 3.. they were helahty before that.oh well.

love, roslyn

-- In Loving-what-is , " " wrote: