ONE YEAR

[Guest guest]

Hi Friends...These are my thoughts about this past year of recovery from

bariatric surgery. I wrote it for the various weight loss surgery

groups I'm involved in, but thought some of you might like to read it.

ONE YEAR

OK, here is the physical stuff...down 132 pounds from highest weight,

loss of 11 inches each at chest, waist, hips, size 12 ring now a size 7

1/2, no diabetes, high bp, edema, or breathing meds anymore.  

Looking

at other folks with my surgery (DS) I think I'm pretty average (in that

in the first year some have lost more, some have lost less.)  The

physical stuff is WONDERFUL and I FEEL pretty doggone strong and healthy

MUCH more of the time.

Here's the harder stuff....emotional and interpersonal issues.

This has been THE year (so far) of learning to LET GO, LET GOD.  And I

sure don't do it well all the time. 

There are some people who 'seemed' to like me much more 132 pounds ago.

The 'soft-n-fluffy' 'don't step on anyone's toes' Tess was 'easier' to

be around, I guess. And it is not exactly that I am an emotional

bulldozer now. : )  I treat people kindly, and if I mess up, I

apologize.  But I make the effort to speak honestly. To be " who I am " .

That is a HARD thing to do when you've been 'camouflaged'  with fat

and

crazy eating all your life and you haven't really gotten to know

yourself even at 53 years of age.  But, one foot ahead of the other...

The bouts of depression this past year have, at times, almost been

catastrophic.  I am not exaggerating.  I have learned that it is NOT

because I can't eat food to numb things as I have done nearly all my

life, because I can eat anything I want. But the revelation that EVEN IF

I DO, the food just won't work anymore.  It's being emotionally naked.

So, I sit with my raw bundle of nerves trying to move forward in this'

psychic surgery' we call life, without anestesia.  Oh my Lord, has

that

been hard.

Hormones have been involved.  Changing body size has been involved.

Different reactions to medications have occurred.  But the deep stuff

of

the heart, the " Who am I? " and " Why am I here? " stuff has been more

intense than ever in my life.

There have been other changes in my life the past year...moving to a new

place, my last child moving out, problems with friends and family

members.  However, I am convinced that before this surgery I would

have

anesthetized myself sufficiently with food so it all wouldn't have hurt

so bad or been so frightening. 

And, I would have remained stagnant and not grown.

Would I do this again?  Yes. Because there is hope for me now on so

many

more levels.  Physically, certainly.  Emotionally, well it's about

time

I learn to know and love myself.  Interpersonally, because, though I

am

willing to take a lot, and be empathetic and compassionate with others,

I

am also learning to do that with and for me.

I think I was much more prepared for the physical changes (most of the

time) than the emotional and interpersonal changes.

And then there is the spiritual aspect.  As I have lost weight, fat,

inches, and become physically healthier, I have found that my need for

the Lord in my life is much more profound.  The fat is just a facade,

a

veneer of protection.  It doesn't protect me from anything other than

joy, health, and hope.  As I let go of the fat and release it, I have

to

make more room for God. 

I am grateful amidst the tears.  This has been quite a year.

Lovingly, always....

Tess           

Open BPD/DS April 14, 2004

Age 53

Dr. McConnell ~ OHSU

398~266~180

Loss so far ~ 132 lbs.

Starting BMI 70.5

Current ~ 47.1

86 pounds to goal!

Updated 04/12/05

" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own

understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct

your paths. "   Prov 3~5-6