Guest guest Posted December 11, 2006 Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Bec, I'm glad you found this group! I cried too at first (and I still do). I really sympathize with you. These things are so difficult, and around your wedding is especially hard. Sounds like your mom is pretty typical in that this perceived " abandonment " and/or " rejection " of your getting engaged is making her BP flair up. It's my understanding that BP's really flip out and things get rough when they feel threatened in that way. Mine does. Specifically when she feels like I'm pulling away from her and to my husband, picking my in-laws over her, etc. Kind of like the title of that BPD book, " I hate you, don't leave me. " They push you away and then cry out, " why are you leaving me??? " Talking about you to other people, putting you on a guilt trip, making you feel like you are responsible for her feelings (you're NOT!!!) are also all typical. Anyway, just want to validate everything you're going through... sounds like classic BP FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Only you know when you are ready to go NC. I am still struggling w/ that one myself. I am actually NC now, as of a little over a week. MAJOR blow out. My super duper short story is that my DH and I decided we had enough and needed to sit down and talk to nada and my dishrag stepdad. This has come after months of absolutely childish behavior on her part. A little over a week ago, my DH talked to dishrag for over three hours on the phone, and in the end my mother and stepfather said they refuse to meet w/ us and talk about the issues. We set the boundary, " If you want a relationship w/ Grace, me, and our daughter, the four of us need to sit down and talk about these issues. " My stepfather and mother just refuse to talk w/ my husband and me. They are so angry now that we would dare to want to sit and talk w/ them about all of this, and possibly blame them for anything, that they don't want anything to do w/ us. This has been a long time coming. Only you can figure out when to go NC. I say, SET BOUNDARIES. If you want to go dress shopping w/ her or not, if you want her to make this decision or that... just set the boundaries. And be consistent... don't change them. Kind of like dealing w/ a toddler, I hate to say it. As the daughter of a BP and the mother of a toddler, I am often amazed that both require you to repeat things over and over again and keep firm boundaries. :-) If you don't want to go dress shopping w/ her, you have that right. You can set that boundary. This is your wedding. If you don't want her to be so involved, you have that right. Don't let her highjack the wedding. Keep us posted! I hope any of this makes sense. I'm still drinking my coffee. :-) Grace > > Hi everyone, > I just signed up for the group and have been reading the postings now for a few days. It's been such a relief to hear that there are so many people out there who have had such similar experiences to mine. My fiance is wonderful, and has helped me to heal so much from my BP mom, but I think that even with an understanding partner, it's not the same as talking to people who have experienced these things firsthand. So...thank you already. When I realized that there was a support group for KO's, I actually started crying. I had no idea that there were so many of us out there. > > Up until a few months ago, things had been going relatively smoothly. I had really been working on setting boundaries with my nada and limiting contact, and it was actually working. Then I got engaged. I'm so excited about getting married, but it's caused a ton of stress with my nada who is now calling every day to talk about the wedding and wanting much more contact than usual. When I try to set boundaries with her about the wedding, she (1) calls back over and over again, (2) talks to other extended family members who then call and throw a big guilt trip about how she just wants to be involved and how if I could build enough inner strength, her insults wouldn't effect me, and (3) tells me I'm ungrateful, unfriendly, weird, bad daughter, etc. I'm not sure I'm ready to make the decision to go NC, especially before the wedding. I think the fallout with her and other family members would be way too much at this point. So...any suggestions on how to keep my sanity? The other > thing is that it's just making me sad to not have all of the typical mother-daughter wedding stuff, like shopping for the dress and all of that. It's hard to let go of all of that, and she is really pushing for it, even though I don't want her to be involved so much. > Thanks, and hope you all are having a good weekend. > Bec > > > > > --------------------------------- > Access over 1 million songs - Yahoo! Music Unlimited. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2006 Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Thank you everyone for all of your advice! I'll keep you posted on all further wedding craziness. So far good boundaries with nada today. Still working on it... Bec whatacutemom wrote: Bec, I'm glad you found this group! I cried too at first (and I still do). I really sympathize with you. These things are so difficult, and around your wedding is especially hard. Sounds like your mom is pretty typical in that this perceived " abandonment " and/or " rejection " of your getting engaged is making her BP flair up. It's my understanding that BP's really flip out and things get rough when they feel threatened in that way. Mine does. Specifically when she feels like I'm pulling away from her and to my husband, picking my in-laws over her, etc. Kind of like the title of that BPD book, " I hate you, don't leave me. " They push you away and then cry out, " why are you leaving me??? " Talking about you to other people, putting you on a guilt trip, making you feel like you are responsible for her feelings (you're NOT!!!) are also all typical. Anyway, just want to validate everything you're going through... sounds like classic BP FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Only you know when you are ready to go NC. I am still struggling w/ that one myself. I am actually NC now, as of a little over a week. MAJOR blow out. My super duper short story is that my DH and I decided we had enough and needed to sit down and talk to nada and my dishrag stepdad. This has come after months of absolutely childish behavior on her part. A little over a week ago, my DH talked to dishrag for over three hours on the phone, and in the end my mother and stepfather said they refuse to meet w/ us and talk about the issues. We set the boundary, " If you want a relationship w/ Grace, me, and our daughter, the four of us need to sit down and talk about these issues. " My stepfather and mother just refuse to talk w/ my husband and me. They are so angry now that we would dare to want to sit and talk w/ them about all of this, and possibly blame them for anything, that they don't want anything to do w/ us. This has been a long time coming. Only you can figure out when to go NC. I say, SET BOUNDARIES. If you want to go dress shopping w/ her or not, if you want her to make this decision or that... just set the boundaries. And be consistent... don't change them. Kind of like dealing w/ a toddler, I hate to say it. As the daughter of a BP and the mother of a toddler, I am often amazed that both require you to repeat things over and over again and keep firm boundaries. :-) If you don't want to go dress shopping w/ her, you have that right. You can set that boundary. This is your wedding. If you don't want her to be so involved, you have that right. Don't let her highjack the wedding. Keep us posted! I hope any of this makes sense. I'm still drinking my coffee. :-) Grace > > Hi everyone, > I just signed up for the group and have been reading the postings now for a few days. It's been such a relief to hear that there are so many people out there who have had such similar experiences to mine. My fiance is wonderful, and has helped me to heal so much from my BP mom, but I think that even with an understanding partner, it's not the same as talking to people who have experienced these things firsthand. So...thank you already. When I realized that there was a support group for KO's, I actually started crying. I had no idea that there were so many of us out there. > > Up until a few months ago, things had been going relatively smoothly. I had really been working on setting boundaries with my nada and limiting contact, and it was actually working. Then I got engaged. I'm so excited about getting married, but it's caused a ton of stress with my nada who is now calling every day to talk about the wedding and wanting much more contact than usual. When I try to set boundaries with her about the wedding, she (1) calls back over and over again, (2) talks to other extended family members who then call and throw a big guilt trip about how she just wants to be involved and how if I could build enough inner strength, her insults wouldn't effect me, and (3) tells me I'm ungrateful, unfriendly, weird, bad daughter, etc. I'm not sure I'm ready to make the decision to go NC, especially before the wedding. I think the fallout with her and other family members would be way too much at this point. So...any suggestions on how to keep my sanity? The other > thing is that it's just making me sad to not have all of the typical mother-daughter wedding stuff, like shopping for the dress and all of that. It's hard to let go of all of that, and she is really pushing for it, even though I don't want her to be involved so much. > Thanks, and hope you all are having a good weekend. > Bec > > > > > --------------------------------- > Access over 1 million songs - Yahoo! Music Unlimited. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 11, 2006 Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Weddings in general can bring out the best and worst in people. Unfortunately, you have a BP mom. I can't stress the importance of limit setting right now. It will be a real rocky road while you do it. The fear of rejection, the rage, the jealousy...ughh. Here's one for the books, my mother had us thrown out of the bridal boutique because she was screaming at the seamstress that she was a fat pig !! I'm all for NO Contact but I agree, YOU need to be ready. You don't want any regrets. It took me ten years, after my marriage, to go no contact with my mom !! Good Luck KW > >Reply-To: WTOAdultChildren1 >To: WTOAdultChildren1 >Subject: Re: Re: hi everyone >Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:47:45 -0800 (PST) > >Thank you everyone for all of your advice! I'll keep you posted on all >further wedding craziness. > So far good boundaries with nada today. Still working on it... > Bec > > > >whatacutemom wrote: > Bec, >I'm glad you found this group! I cried too at first (and I still do). > >I really sympathize with you. These things are so difficult, and >around your wedding is especially hard. > >Sounds like your mom is pretty typical in that this >perceived " abandonment " and/or " rejection " of your getting engaged >is making her BP flair up. It's my understanding that BP's really >flip out and things get rough when they feel threatened in that way. >Mine does. Specifically when she feels like I'm pulling away from >her and to my husband, picking my in-laws over her, etc. Kind of >like the title of that BPD book, " I hate you, don't leave me. " They >push you away and then cry out, " why are you leaving me??? " > >Talking about you to other people, putting you on a guilt trip, >making you feel like you are responsible for her feelings (you're >NOT!!!) are also all typical. Anyway, just want to validate >everything you're going through... sounds like classic BP FOG (Fear, >Obligation and Guilt). > >Only you know when you are ready to go NC. I am still struggling w/ >that one myself. I am actually NC now, as of a little over a week. >MAJOR blow out. My super duper short story is that my DH and I >decided we had enough and needed to sit down and talk to nada and my >dishrag stepdad. This has come after months of absolutely childish >behavior on her part. A little over a week ago, my DH talked to >dishrag for over three hours on the phone, and in the end my mother >and stepfather said they refuse to meet w/ us and talk about the >issues. We set the boundary, " If you want a relationship w/ Grace, >me, and our daughter, the four of us need to sit down and talk about >these issues. " My stepfather and mother just refuse to talk w/ my >husband and me. They are so angry now that we would dare to want to >sit and talk w/ them about all of this, and possibly blame them for >anything, that they don't want anything to do w/ us. This has been a >long time coming. Only you can figure out when to go NC. > >I say, SET BOUNDARIES. If you want to go dress shopping w/ her or >not, if you want her to make this decision or that... just set the >boundaries. And be consistent... don't change them. Kind of like >dealing w/ a toddler, I hate to say it. As the daughter of a BP and >the mother of a toddler, I am often amazed that both require you to >repeat things over and over again and keep firm boundaries. :-) > >If you don't want to go dress shopping w/ her, you have that right. >You can set that boundary. This is your wedding. If you don't want >her to be so involved, you have that right. Don't let her highjack >the wedding. > >Keep us posted! >I hope any of this makes sense. I'm still drinking my coffee. :-) >Grace > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > I just signed up for the group and have been reading the >postings now for a few days. It's been such a relief to hear that >there are so many people out there who have had such similar >experiences to mine. My fiance is wonderful, and has helped me to >heal so much from my BP mom, but I think that even with an >understanding partner, it's not the same as talking to people who >have experienced these things firsthand. So...thank you already. >When I realized that there was a support group for KO's, I actually >started crying. I had no idea that there were so many of us out >there. > > > > Up until a few months ago, things had been going relatively >smoothly. I had really been working on setting boundaries with my >nada and limiting contact, and it was actually working. Then I got >engaged. I'm so excited about getting married, but it's caused a ton >of stress with my nada who is now calling every day to talk about >the wedding and wanting much more contact than usual. When I try to >set boundaries with her about the wedding, she (1) calls back over >and over again, (2) talks to other extended family members who then >call and throw a big guilt trip about how she just wants to be >involved and how if I could build enough inner strength, her insults >wouldn't effect me, and (3) tells me I'm ungrateful, unfriendly, >weird, bad daughter, etc. I'm not sure I'm ready to make the >decision to go NC, especially before the wedding. I think the >fallout with her and other family members would be way too much at >this point. So...any suggestions on how to keep my sanity? The other > > thing is that it's just making me sad to not have all of the >typical mother-daughter wedding stuff, like shopping for the dress >and all of that. It's hard to let go of all of that, and she is >really pushing for it, even though I don't want her to be involved >so much. > > Thanks, and hope you all are having a good weekend. > > Bec > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > > Access over 1 million songs - Yahoo! Music Unlimited. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 12, 2006 Report Share Posted December 12, 2006 Bec, Congratulations on your up-coming wedding! And welcome to the group. I'm sure as I am late in catching up on some emails that you know by your reading that this is a wonderfully supportive place. I've been in therapy for more than 2 decades and it really was only since I went N/C during one of my nada's silent treatments that I got enough space from the enmeshment to see that she was poison in my life. As other's here know, the dance of the APD (diagnosed) father and BPD mother, created my mind to split into many pieces. In August, when nada went n/c out of punishment, my psychiatrist from Dallas (I just moved to Seattle) returned my call and said, " Greg, your mother has BPD and I was hoping to avoid this, because I'm not sure you are done with your relationship with your mother, but since she is behaving this way (she was just dx'd with breast cancer and went n/c with any of her biological family) he told me to go n/c with her permanently. It was 2 weeks later that I got online hooked up and found this group for the first time. Like you, I cried at the compassion and understanding that generates such healing. I know that you will find that here and so much more. Welcome! Greg. --- Rollo Tomasi wrote: > Hi everyone, > I just signed up for the group and have been > reading the postings now for a few days. It's been > such a relief to hear that there are so many people > out there who have had such similar experiences to > mine. My fiance is wonderful, and has helped me to > heal so much from my BP mom, but I think that even > with an understanding partner, it's not the same as > talking to people who have experienced these things > firsthand. So...thank you already. When I realized > that there was a support group for KO's, I actually > started crying. I had no idea that there were so > many of us out there. > > Up until a few months ago, things had been going > relatively smoothly. I had really been working on > setting boundaries with my nada and limiting > contact, and it was actually working. Then I got > engaged. I'm so excited about getting married, but > it's caused a ton of stress with my nada who is now > calling every day to talk about the wedding and > wanting much more contact than usual. When I try to > set boundaries with her about the wedding, she (1) > calls back over and over again, (2) talks to other > extended family members who then call and throw a > big guilt trip about how she just wants to be > involved and how if I could build enough inner > strength, her insults wouldn't effect me, and (3) > tells me I'm ungrateful, unfriendly, weird, bad > daughter, etc. I'm not sure I'm ready to make the > decision to go NC, especially before the wedding. I > think the fallout with her and other family members > would be way too much at this point. So...any > suggestions on how to keep my sanity? The other > thing is that it's just making me sad to not have > all of the typical mother-daughter wedding stuff, > like shopping for the dress and all of that. It's > hard to let go of all of that, and she is really > pushing for it, even though I don't want her to be > involved so much. > Thanks, and hope you all are having a good > weekend. > Bec > > > > > --------------------------------- > Access over 1 million songs - Yahoo! Music > Unlimited. > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 16, 2007 Report Share Posted June 16, 2007 Hi: Welcome. Ain't it the truth how docs love to give you more of what doesn't work. I went thru that stage. No more! When I got to go to my own doctor after disability won, we went the least and best working so I don't have to live with a bunch of side effect. Opiates is part of that treatment. Yay..no ugly side effects. Sometimes opiates are the best. Maybe your doctor is not aware that everyone who ends up on them don't automatically become addicts. Mine is only opiate controlled. You may want to ask if that is his fear and brace him with the fact only about 2% chronic painers may need help later on. If your not taking them daily you aren't going to build up a tolerance. Inform him it's your body and you don't want to put stuff in there that doesn't work. You want effective and least amount possible. Maybe let him know if you start abusing or showing signs of abuse, he can stop it. He can have you sign a contract like many pain doctors have you do. He may be afraid of DEA audits. He may be afraid of addiction....some of these guys are so afraid for themselves...that we have to suffer. So...find out where he is with this. Just be open and honest and tell him that you have a right to be treated with what works...not what doesn't work. I had to go thru that for 7 years with doctors and it all turned out the t3's screwed up the signal that caused the original pain. So many years of suffering because of fear of opiate pain meds. I've been on them for 8 years and I'm not a screaming addict. My tolerance is low and they work well. I have migraine quality headaches from Myofacial Trigger points. I have advanced osteoarthitis....L3 and L4 have caved in on a bunch of nerves from being chewed up and many other parts no longer in good shape, fibromyalgia, myofacial pain syndrome....so fun. The " Spasm " we think is created from myofacial stuff is stopped only with an opiate. No other. It closes the gateway to the signal creating it. We call it the " Beast " or shoulder blade beast. The pain is off the chart but the opiate stops it and prevents it from occuring. I HAVE to treat the opiates well or end up wishing I were dead. Hang in there and study up on chronic pain and opiate use and approach him with an intellegent argument why you should have the Vicodan if they work. http://www.fda.gov/fdac/features/2004/204_pain.html For the narcophobia test....I know a few folks that need to take it and see where they stand. http://www.cssa-inc.org/Articles/narcophobia.htm If your doc won't help you, you can ask to be referred to a pain specialist and remind him the pain is debilitating and need a workable solution. http://www.painfoundation.org/ Above is the American Pain Foundation that helps the undertreatment of pain. You will find this undertreatment a real problem in our society. These guys have references and you sure won't be alone. They have a pain resource location page so you can look for help if needed. This should give you some ideas, how to talk to your doctor or get referred where you can get help. I wish you all the best. I suffered long and hard before someone wasn't afraid to use opiates on ongoing pain treatment. My regular doctor knows me and the pain. *¬*.¸¸.·´¨`»*«´¨`·.¸¸.*¬* On the internet, no knows you're a cat. ~StrykerMom~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --- xxanneke22xx wrote: > Hi everyone, my name is Anne and I am new to the > group. The reason I > joined is becuase I have severe dibilitating > migraines a minimum of > one a week. I have 2 little girls and when I have > these migraines, I > cannot take care of them at all. My doc has had me > on atleast a > dozen meds that didnt work and then we tried vicodin > which helps the > best. If I take the vicodin right when I feel it > coming on I can > lower the severity of the pain and keep it from > getting worse, but > not make it go away completely. He gives me 5/500 > mg pills, 30 > total that last a few months. Now, he says he wants > to try the same > meds before that didnt work and doesnt want to give > me the vicodin. > This is so frustrating because when I have an attack > those meds are > the only thing that work. I usually get a refill > every 2 or 2 1/2 > months, so its not like I am taking all thirty in > one month. Anyone > have suggestions on how to approach this? I also > recently went to an > ears nose and throat specailist who says my severly > crooked septum > may be to blame for the migraines and wants to do > surgery. I dont > know that to do. All I want is relief of these > headaches! I feel as > if I am missing out on life with my girls when I get > these all the > time. Also, I am going out of state for 3 weeks > soon and I need to > get a refill on my vicodin before i leave, because i > dont want to be > out of town and have an attack, or God forbid on the > plane!! SOrry > this was so long, but it feels nice to get it all > out there. No one > in my life seems to understand how horrible these > migraines get. > Thanks for listening! or reading! > Anne > > Lotacats >^.^< Express Chronic Pain Awareness http://www.cafepress.com/lotacatspix/2715248 ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ It's here! Your new message! Get new email alerts with the free Yahoo! Toolbar. http://tools.search.yahoo.com/toolbar/features/mail/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2007 Report Share Posted June 17, 2007 Regarding migraines I've been there done that and still doing it. I have them constantly. I have a prescription that's been given to me from the neurologist however I noticed that this can be gotten over the counter as well. It's a lower dose BUT the fact being you can find it OTC. I'm taking Ketoprofin (AKA Orudis) and it works quite well. Perhaps you can ask your local pharmacist if they have this available? As far as seeing a dr regarding surgery, it's is very possible that this could be causing your headaches however my best suggestion is to get a 2nd opinion to ensure that you need this surgery before actually doing it and research all of the options. Ask questions, even if you think they might be silly, ask them. Make a list of everything you want to know and take it into the doctor's office with you the next time you go. Take care, Sue Hi everyone, my name is Anne and I am new to the group. The reason I joined is becuase I have severe dibilitating migraines a minimum of one a week. I have 2 little girls and when I have these migraines, I cannot take care of them at all. My doc has had me on atleast a dozen meds that didnt work and then we tried vicodin which helps the best. If I take the vicodin right when I feel it coming on I can lower the severity of the pain and keep it from getting worse, but not make it go away completely. He gives me 5/500 mg pills, 30 total that last a few months. Now, he says he wants to try the same meds before that didnt work and doesnt want to give me the vicodin. This is so frustrating because when I have an attack those meds are the only thing that work. I usually get a refill every 2 or 2 1/2 months, so its not like I am taking all thirty in one month. Anyone have suggestions on how to approach this? I also recently went to an ears nose and throat specailist who says my severly crooked septum may be to blame for the migraines and wants to do surgery. I dont know that to do. All I want is relief of these headaches! I feel as if I am missing out on life with my girls when I get these all the time. Also, I am going out of state for 3 weeks soon and I need to get a refill on my vicodin before i leave, because i dont want to be out of town and have an attack, or God forbid on the plane!! SOrry this was so long, but it feels nice to get it all out there. No one in my life seems to understand how horrible these migraines get. Thanks for listening! or reading! Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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