Re: My sister - need a reality check

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your sister has some definate issues and seems a bit

manipulative on some levels. My take, sounds like she is doing what

she wants with little to no reguard to how you feel. Sounds a little

Bpdish, not saying she is, but those seem like some traits.

>

> Hi fellow posters,

>

> I think my sister is trying to make me feel guilty. Let me know

> what you think. (also, please let me know if you think some of my

> reactions are hermit/waif fleas. It is still the holiday season,

> and I see some of my fleas getting more lively right now!)

>

> I haven't seen my sister in over a year. Before that, we usually

> spent time every month together. My going NC has put a strain on

> our relationship. In addition, I was usually the one would would

> plan our times together, calling her and arranging for us to do

> something. She was always the accomodating " whatever you want to

do

> is fine with me " . By her own admission, she realized that this

was

> not a good way to be.

>

> Over a year ago, I decided that I wasn't going to be the 'cruise

> director' any more. And so as I called her less, we did less

> together (and I think the hermit flea made this easy to do). I

know

> she was very busy with selling her home, and helping my parents

sell

> theirs, and buy a home together. (One of her 'guilt producing(?)'

> statements to me when I commented about our not seeing each other

> anymore was how busy she is running two homes.)

>

> I am very hurt that she has not been able to find any time to

call,

> come over to see my new home, meet for dinner, in all that time.

I

> had two old, sick cats that had to be put to sleep this year. She

> was supposed to go to the vets with me, and didn't at the last

> minute. She called to say she was sorry she couldn't make it, but

> never called later to see how I was doing. (Is this the waif,

pity

> me, flea?)

>

> I did give up trying to arrange anything with her. And so a full

> year plus has gone by. And now, I received gifts for Christmas

and

> my birthday (was in Sept). One of the gifts is an angel pin that

> says " My sister, My friend " . (Rolling my eyes, here.) We live

> about 30 - 40 minutes away from each other, so getting together is

> not a major production.

>

> So, am I supposed to take the high road and think that she is

trying

> to reach out, or is this just a guilt producing action on her

part.

> Or is it something else?

>

> The pin is playing right into my 'fantasy family' dream, which I

> have worked so hard to accept as unrealistic and unattainable

given

> my nada and disrag. I know we can't always figure out why a

person

> does what he/she does. But I think I am too close and too

emotional

> to work through this on my own.

>

> I'm curious as to other's interpretations of all of this.

>

> Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, manipulative is definitely a

description for my sister in this case. I don't think she has BPD,

and I am not really sure what BP fleas she has, but she is highly

codependent - just like our dishrag dad. And there may be more to

their mental states than I have been able to identify up to this

date. I am often amazed at the new revelations I get regarding my

foo from reading the posts of other KOs.

My feelings about this - after bringing this up, I have been

thinking more about it - is that my sister is doing this because she

is resentful that I am not dealing with nada, and she is. She chose

to play the role of the dutiful daughter. When we last talked about

this, I told her that I thought she should look into all the other

options available before she agreed to share a home with them. I

don't think she did this, because she has always avoided conflict

(just like dishrag), and to say no to nada would have meant

conflict.

I think she may be subconsciously trying to punish me by not keeping

in contact with me. She is getting positive reinforcement from

being the good daughter, but we know how she must be dying inside to

have to supress everything to almighty nada. I know it was exactly

this dynamic that made me go NC. I could no longer put myself in a

situation when my emotions had to die in order for nada to feel good

about herself.

As you have often written, our healing is a painful, but a

worthwhile process.

Sylvia

> >

> > Hi fellow posters,

> >

> > I think my sister is trying to make me feel guilty. Let me know

> > what you think. (also, please let me know if you think some of

my

> > reactions are hermit/waif fleas. It is still the holiday

season,

> > and I see some of my fleas getting more lively right now!)

> >

> > I haven't seen my sister in over a year. Before that, we

usually

> > spent time every month together. My going NC has put a strain

on

> > our relationship. In addition, I was usually the one would

would

> > plan our times together, calling her and arranging for us to do

> > something. She was always the accomodating " whatever you want

to

> do

> > is fine with me " . By her own admission, she realized that this

> was

> > not a good way to be.

> >

> > Over a year ago, I decided that I wasn't going to be the 'cruise

> > director' any more. And so as I called her less, we did less

> > together (and I think the hermit flea made this easy to do). I

> know

> > she was very busy with selling her home, and helping my parents

> sell

> > theirs, and buy a home together. (One of her 'guilt producing

(?)'

> > statements to me when I commented about our not seeing each

other

> > anymore was how busy she is running two homes.)

> >

> > I am very hurt that she has not been able to find any time to

> call,

> > come over to see my new home, meet for dinner, in all that

time.

> I

> > had two old, sick cats that had to be put to sleep this year.

She

> > was supposed to go to the vets with me, and didn't at the last

> > minute. She called to say she was sorry she couldn't make it,

but

> > never called later to see how I was doing. (Is this the waif,

> pity

> > me, flea?)

> >

> > I did give up trying to arrange anything with her. And so a

full

> > year plus has gone by. And now, I received gifts for Christmas

> and

> > my birthday (was in Sept). One of the gifts is an angel pin

that

> > says " My sister, My friend " . (Rolling my eyes, here.) We live

> > about 30 - 40 minutes away from each other, so getting together

is

> > not a major production.

> >

> > So, am I supposed to take the high road and think that she is

> trying

> > to reach out, or is this just a guilt producing action on her

> part.

> > Or is it something else?

> >

> > The pin is playing right into my 'fantasy family' dream, which I

> > have worked so hard to accept as unrealistic and unattainable

> given

> > my nada and disrag. I know we can't always figure out why a

> person

> > does what he/she does. But I think I am too close and too

> emotional

> > to work through this on my own.

> >

> > I'm curious as to other's interpretations of all of this.

> >

> > Sylvia

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia, You are probably in the same position as I am in that your

sister obviously doesn't want to understand what is wrong with your

mom. I have one sister who has been that way. It is hard when you

see the truth to have someone as close as a sister not care to

understand the truth.

Sometimes my sister does less than kind things to me. It does upset

me some at the time, but after thinking about it, I realize what she

does is a result of her own insecurites and the dynamics of our

family. I am then able to remove any feelings of self doubt or guilt.

When you finally understand this is not about you, but about your

sister and her problems, you will feel better too. I think it is a

flea for us KO's to take things personally and question ourselves.

After all, we were raised to believe we are responsible for the

happiness of other people. Therefore, if someone is unhappy with us

or does something less than kind to us it must me our fault. This

disability of taking things so personally is something that can keep

us from the peace and happiness we desire.

I have a daughter who used to carry this kind of a burden. Everything

just upset her soooo much. She finally was able to get a grip and

take a realistic look at herself and has learned to say, " Whatever, I

don't care " , and mean it. She coaches me now whenever I tend to slip

back into being too upset over something I have no control over and

really isn't about me.

This probably hurts because you would really like to have her be your

" sister, your friend " . It is hard to realize this will probably never

be, because of the home you both came from and her inablility to see

it like it is.

I feel for you and hope you will be able to shake it off. Do

something nice for yourself and realize that you are OK> You didn't

cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it. (Even if it is

not BPD but some other toxic behavior on her part.)

Concentrate on your own family, your children and their families.

Concentrate on how much progress you have already made and know that

the future holds many more wonderful and not so wonderful experiences.

This too will pass. Dee

>

> Hi fellow posters,

>

> I think my sister is trying to make me feel guilty. Let me know

> what you think. (also, please let me know if you think some of my

> reactions are hermit/waif fleas. It is still the holiday season,

> and I see some of my fleas getting more lively right now!)

>

> I haven't seen my sister in over a year. Before that, we usually

> spent time every month together. My going NC has put a strain on

> our relationship. In addition, I was usually the one would would

> plan our times together, calling her and arranging for us to do

> something. She was always the accomodating " whatever you want to do

> is fine with me " . By her own admission, she realized that this was

> not a good way to be.

>

> Over a year ago, I decided that I wasn't going to be the 'cruise

> director' any more. And so as I called her less, we did less

> together (and I think the hermit flea made this easy to do). I know

> she was very busy with selling her home, and helping my parents sell

> theirs, and buy a home together. (One of her 'guilt producing(?)'

> statements to me when I commented about our not seeing each other

> anymore was how busy she is running two homes.)

>

> I am very hurt that she has not been able to find any time to call,

> come over to see my new home, meet for dinner, in all that time. I

> had two old, sick cats that had to be put to sleep this year. She

> was supposed to go to the vets with me, and didn't at the last

> minute. She called to say she was sorry she couldn't make it, but

> never called later to see how I was doing. (Is this the waif, pity

> me, flea?)

>

> I did give up trying to arrange anything with her. And so a full

> year plus has gone by. And now, I received gifts for Christmas and

> my birthday (was in Sept). One of the gifts is an angel pin that

> says " My sister, My friend " . (Rolling my eyes, here.) We live

> about 30 - 40 minutes away from each other, so getting together is

> not a major production.

>

> So, am I supposed to take the high road and think that she is trying

> to reach out, or is this just a guilt producing action on her part.

> Or is it something else?

>

> The pin is playing right into my 'fantasy family' dream, which I

> have worked so hard to accept as unrealistic and unattainable given

> my nada and disrag. I know we can't always figure out why a person

> does what he/she does. But I think I am too close and too emotional

> to work through this on my own.

>

> I'm curious as to other's interpretations of all of this.

>

> Sylvia

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

I agree with Dee. Also, my siblings have done the

same thing with me. I have no doubt that they've been

trying to punish me all these years, in addition to

projecting the attitude toward me (as an SB, Split

Black) with which they were brainwashed and chose to

accept. It's always been painful for me, but has

slowly grown less painful over the years. One thought

that's helped me is, " why would I want people in my

life who don't want me in theirs? "

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- gmat60 wrote:

> Sylvia, You are probably in the same position as I

> am in that your

> sister obviously doesn't want to understand what is

> wrong with your

> mom. I have one sister who has been that way. It

> is hard when you

> see the truth to have someone as close as a sister

> not care to

> understand the truth.

>

> Sometimes my sister does less than kind things to

> me. It does upset

> me some at the time, but after thinking about it, I

> realize what she

> does is a result of her own insecurites and the

> dynamics of our

> family. I am then able to remove any feelings of

> self doubt or guilt.

> When you finally understand this is not about you,

> but about your

> sister and her problems, you will feel better too.

> I think it is a

> flea for us KO's to take things personally and

> question ourselves.

> After all, we were raised to believe we are

> responsible for the

> happiness of other people. Therefore, if someone is

> unhappy with us

> or does something less than kind to us it must me

> our fault. This

> disability of taking things so personally is

> something that can keep

> us from the peace and happiness we desire.

>

> I have a daughter who used to carry this kind of a

> burden. Everything

> just upset her soooo much. She finally was able to

> get a grip and

> take a realistic look at herself and has learned to

> say, " Whatever, I

> don't care " , and mean it. She coaches me now

> whenever I tend to slip

> back into being too upset over something I have no

> control over and

> really isn't about me.

>

> This probably hurts because you would really like to

> have her be your

> " sister, your friend " . It is hard to realize this

> will probably never

> be, because of the home you both came from and her

> inablility to see

> it like it is.

>

> I feel for you and hope you will be able to shake it

> off. Do

> something nice for yourself and realize that you are

> OK> You didn't

> cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change

> it. (Even if it is

> not BPD but some other toxic behavior on her part.)

>

> Concentrate on your own family, your children and

> their families.

> Concentrate on how much progress you have already

> made and know that

> the future holds many more wonderful and not so

> wonderful experiences.

> This too will pass. Dee

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi fellow posters,

> >

> > I think my sister is trying to make me feel

> guilty. Let me know

> > what you think. (also, please let me know if you

> think some of my

> > reactions are hermit/waif fleas. It is still the

> holiday season,

> > and I see some of my fleas getting more lively

> right now!)

> >

> > I haven't seen my sister in over a year. Before

> that, we usually

> > spent time every month together. My going NC has

> put a strain on

> > our relationship. In addition, I was usually the

> one would would

> > plan our times together, calling her and arranging

> for us to do

> > something. She was always the accomodating

> " whatever you want to do

> > is fine with me " . By her own admission, she

> realized that this was

> > not a good way to be.

> >

> > Over a year ago, I decided that I wasn't going to

> be the 'cruise

> > director' any more. And so as I called her less,

> we did less

> > together (and I think the hermit flea made this

> easy to do). I know

> > she was very busy with selling her home, and

> helping my parents sell

> > theirs, and buy a home together. (One of her

> 'guilt producing(?)'

> > statements to me when I commented about our not

> seeing each other

> > anymore was how busy she is running two homes.)

> >

> > I am very hurt that she has not been able to find

> any time to call,

> > come over to see my new home, meet for dinner, in

> all that time. I

> > had two old, sick cats that had to be put to sleep

> this year. She

> > was supposed to go to the vets with me, and didn't

> at the last

> > minute. She called to say she was sorry she

> couldn't make it, but

> > never called later to see how I was doing. (Is

> this the waif, pity

> > me, flea?)

> >

> > I did give up trying to arrange anything with her.

> And so a full

> > year plus has gone by. And now, I received gifts

> for Christmas and

> > my birthday (was in Sept). One of the gifts is an

> angel pin that

> > says " My sister, My friend " . (Rolling my eyes,

> here.) We live

> > about 30 - 40 minutes away from each other, so

> getting together is

> > not a major production.

> >

> > So, am I supposed to take the high road and think

> that she is trying

> > to reach out, or is this just a guilt producing

> action on her part.

> > Or is it something else?

> >

> > The pin is playing right into my 'fantasy family'

> dream, which I

> > have worked so hard to accept as unrealistic and

> unattainable given

> > my nada and disrag. I know we can't always figure

> out why a person

> > does what he/she does. But I think I am too close

> and too emotional

> > to work through this on my own.

> >

> > I'm curious as to other's interpretations of all

> of this.

> >

> > Sylvia

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Dee,

Thank you for your assessment and your suggestions. You are right

on target here. I do find the letting go hard at times, and this is

one of those times. In fact, it is not only hard, I just don't get

it - right away - that this is yet another situation that I

must 'let go'. Maybe that is because of all the enmeshment I

experienced with the foo. It is also due to my 'fantasy family'

idea. In my fantasy family, there doesn't seem to be a need to let

go (cause we are all so healthy, we do it without realizing it?).

Although the fantasy is almost dead - it did resurect itself a bit

for the holidays!

Thanks, again,

Sylvia

> >

> > Hi fellow posters,

> >

> > I think my sister is trying to make me feel guilty. Let me know

> > what you think. (also, please let me know if you think some of

my

> > reactions are hermit/waif fleas. It is still the holiday

season,

> > and I see some of my fleas getting more lively right now!)

> >

> > I haven't seen my sister in over a year. Before that, we

usually

> > spent time every month together. My going NC has put a strain

on

> > our relationship. In addition, I was usually the one would

would

> > plan our times together, calling her and arranging for us to do

> > something. She was always the accomodating " whatever you want

to do

> > is fine with me " . By her own admission, she realized that this

was

> > not a good way to be.

> >

> > Over a year ago, I decided that I wasn't going to be the 'cruise

> > director' any more. And so as I called her less, we did less

> > together (and I think the hermit flea made this easy to do). I

know

> > she was very busy with selling her home, and helping my parents

sell

> > theirs, and buy a home together. (One of her 'guilt producing

(?)'

> > statements to me when I commented about our not seeing each

other

> > anymore was how busy she is running two homes.)

> >

> > I am very hurt that she has not been able to find any time to

call,

> > come over to see my new home, meet for dinner, in all that

time. I

> > had two old, sick cats that had to be put to sleep this year.

She

> > was supposed to go to the vets with me, and didn't at the last

> > minute. She called to say she was sorry she couldn't make it,

but

> > never called later to see how I was doing. (Is this the waif,

pity

> > me, flea?)

> >

> > I did give up trying to arrange anything with her. And so a

full

> > year plus has gone by. And now, I received gifts for Christmas

and

> > my birthday (was in Sept). One of the gifts is an angel pin

that

> > says " My sister, My friend " . (Rolling my eyes, here.) We live

> > about 30 - 40 minutes away from each other, so getting together

is

> > not a major production.

> >

> > So, am I supposed to take the high road and think that she is

trying

> > to reach out, or is this just a guilt producing action on her

part.

> > Or is it something else?

> >

> > The pin is playing right into my 'fantasy family' dream, which I

> > have worked so hard to accept as unrealistic and unattainable

given

> > my nada and disrag. I know we can't always figure out why a

person

> > does what he/she does. But I think I am too close and too

emotional

> > to work through this on my own.

> >

> > I'm curious as to other's interpretations of all of this.

> >

> > Sylvia

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Sylvia,

I am feeling badly about offering an alternative view of your sister's

behavior in my last post. It has to be hard for you to feel supported

by her when she, it sounds like, lives with your nada, which is hard to

imagine anyone choosing to do. Probably what you needed from those of

us on this board was to be validated for your feelings of

disillusionment and loss you are experiencing with the relationship and

not to be encouraged to accept her lack of presence in your life,

regardless of the reason.

You post so many helpful and insightful things on this board and are so

supportive of everyone, including me. I apologize if my response to

your question regarding your sister was off-base.

Caitlyn

[Guest guest]

Caitlyn,

I think you have absolutely no need to apologize to me. In fact, I

really did welcome your viewpoint, and I was going to send you a

response today.

One of the things I have learned in my life is that we have to be

careful in how we interpret other peoples actions. We are sometimes

limited by our own thoughts and experiences, and they don't always

apply to the reasoning of another person. Your post was helpful in

allowing me to see another interpretation to these events.

I don't expect to ever know the reasoning behind my sister's

actions. In the past, when I have tried to discuss issues with her,

she has not been open with me. I think it is only because she is

not confident enough to explain her actions. Even our nada was

usually very indirect in her actions, which made trying to

understand her crazy behavior even more difficult!

What I am chosing to believe at this point does fall in line with

your post. I believe that the gift 'my sister, my friend' is really

her way of expressing that she still values my presence in her life,

although her actions indicate otherwise. I look at the gift as her

way of reaching out to me.

However, this action alone is just not enough to make up for a year

of being ignored. I question if I am being hard hearted in this,

but it is a true description of my feelings. She can still call,

she can still send me an email. She has not done either of those,

and I need some direct contact from her before I would be ready to

make any more effort in this relationship.

I am glad of your thoughts on why this may be difficult for her.

Added to what you wrote, I would say that she might be really

finding herself in the proverbial 'between a rock and a hard spot'.

She has led a relatively independent life, as a single parent of 2

children. She was head of her household for so many years. At

present, she is still living in her own home, but as soon as it is

sold, she will be moving to a home that is jointly owned by her,

nada and dishrag. I can only imagine the conflict she is going

through. I would think she is praying that her home never sells!

I hope you are no longer feeling badly. I asked for input from our

group, and I am grateful for getting different viewpoints. I

believe we can differ, and still show concern and respect for our

fellow KOs. I feel that is exactly what you did in your post.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

> Hi Sylvia,

>

> I am feeling badly about offering an alternative view of your

sister's

> behavior in my last post. It has to be hard for you to feel

supported

> by her when she, it sounds like, lives with your nada, which is

hard to

> imagine anyone choosing to do. Probably what you needed from

those of

> us on this board was to be validated for your feelings of

> disillusionment and loss you are experiencing with the

relationship and

> not to be encouraged to accept her lack of presence in your life,

> regardless of the reason.

>

> You post so many helpful and insightful things on this board and

are so

> supportive of everyone, including me. I apologize if my response

to

> your question regarding your sister was off-base.

>

> Caitlyn

>