Guest guest Posted December 9, 2000 Report Share Posted December 9, 2000 Hi , lol too. Should add that label to no. 15 in the list. Wow....... burning pine cones? Is that used for recreation during X'mas? Ling wrote: Hi Thanks for a good laugh. Last year we bought some pine cones that are doused in chemicals and burn with a pretty coloured flame when placed on an open fire. On the package in prominent letters was the vital information "Warning: Flammable". LOL > 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than > an ambulance. > > 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a > skating rink. > > 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the > back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy > cigarettes at the front. > > 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, > and a diet coke. > > 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the > pens to the counters. > > 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the > driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and > then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want > to talk to in the first place. > > 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in > packages of eight. > > 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the > process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning > 'bloodsucking creatures'. > > 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille > lettering. > > In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through > stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: > > 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only > time I have to work on my hair] > > 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details > inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special] > > 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that > would be how...?] > > 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [but > it's *just* a suggestion] > > 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn > upside down". [Oops, too late!] > > 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". > [As sure as night follows the day . .. ..] > > 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [but > wouldn't this save even more time?] > > 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate > machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the > rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year- olds with > head-colds off those forklifts.] > > 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope] > > 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". > [As opposed to what?] > > 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [i > gotta admit, I'm curious]. > > 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH] > > 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat > nuts." [step 3: Fly Delta] > > 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable > you to fly". [i don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2002 Report Share Posted May 19, 2002 In a message dated 5/19/02 11:04:40 AM Central Daylight Time, writes: > This line gave me a good laugh this morning. That is soooo funny! (Was > trying to play dentist?) (Well, better to play dentist than to play > doctor...= : o) > > Ben tries to yank coats off of people as they come into the house. > Then he turns them around (if they're wearing t-shirts or sweatshirts) to > see if there is any writing or logos that he recognizes on the back of the > shirt. He will also yank sweatshirts up on people to see if they have > t-shirts on underneath- with writing. Can be a little disconcerting if > it's a female and they aren't prepared to tell him that they can handle > their own coats.... > > One of our friends is a sweet young man who is blind and on the spectrum. > He likes to squeeze people's forearms (and women's upperarms) and usually > has some characterizing comment about their arms. His mom said he's no > longer doing this as much. This is the guy who when he was younger, and I > was just starting back to playing the organ at church, would keep track of > the number of mistakes I made when I was playing....He reassures me that > lately I have been doing much better. : ) > > Ben is not a heat-seeker. He is quite warm-blooded, it seems. He > has a few of those nice polar-fleece sweatshirts from the Gap (gifts)- I > know they were not cheap ones. He has never worn them- waaaay too hot. I > try to tell family don't bother with sweaters, turtlenecks, etc. > Thankfully he is finally telling us " Hot Hot!! " when he overheats. He has > also ventured outside when it was very cold out without a jacket or even > barefoot. I would stnad at the door and wait to see how long it would take > him before he got cold and came back in. He's making the correlation, > finally. > > I suspect that some of our kids' internal thermostats don't work properly. > > I always *love* reading these funny stories about our kids. Part of their > endearing charm. > > Beth Mum to Ben 11 1/2 > I don't quite get the looking in the mouth " thing " . He calls teeth " popcorn " and the whole game is called " hot popcorn " . He could spend a whole afternoon looking in my mouth. I have snuck a nap this way. A bit disconcerting way to sleep though. No heat seeker here. ONly wants to wear t-shirts. Actually would be happier living in a nudist colony. He does enjoy his one piece sleeper p.j.s. I'd love to lose those things but I " m not up for the fight. Having hit puberty only tried to lift the sweatshirts of a select few nice looking young women but we stopped that cold. LOL!!! I love the story of the your musical critic at church. Gotta love it. Pica we have. He was on Paxil and it was wonderful except-he was eating lots of coins. He would look all over for them. It was really terrible since this was around the time he had his tonsils out. Another creepy thing is that he can cough these things back up way after you think they are gone. Yuck!!!! Karyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 19, 2002 Report Share Posted May 19, 2002 In a message dated 5/19/02 5:15:05 PM Eastern Daylight Time, KVanRyzin@... writes: > I don't quite get the looking in the mouth " thing " . He calls teeth " popcorn " > and the whole game is called " hot popcorn " . He could spend a whole > afternoon > looking in my mouth. I have snuck a nap this way. A bit disconcerting way > to > sleep though. ROTFLOL Karyn!!!! That's hysterical!!!! I dunno, I think 's game is pretty creative! Teeth certainly can remind you of popcorn!!!!! <<Another creepy thing is that he can cough these things back up way after you think they are gone. Yuck!!!!>> Hmmmmmmm............not sure which is worse though....having it come back out the way it went in, or searching for it out the other end!!! Neither is pleasant...LOL Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2002 Report Share Posted August 7, 2002 Tehee! Thank you for that! Dana theemoculli@... wrote: A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, " OK, take off all your crose. " The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. " Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. " As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly. " Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. " The woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? " Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: " Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2002 Report Share Posted August 7, 2002 Tehee! Thank you for that! Dana theemoculli@... wrote: A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, " OK, take off all your crose. " The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. " Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. " As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly. " Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. " The woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? " Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: " Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2002 Report Share Posted August 7, 2002 ROTFLMAO!!! Bonnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2002 Report Share Posted August 7, 2002 ROTFLMAO!!! Bonnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 18, 2003 Report Share Posted February 18, 2003 Click here: http://www.lifelift.net/cgi-bin/affiliates/clickthru.cgi?id=rdclem To learn how Lifelift has helped me to lose weight and gain good health Here's a couple good ones!! Love, Subject: LOGIC 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ ---------------------------------------------- Subject: Can You See Me Now? A man left work early one Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting and fishing with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, " How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days? " To which he replied. " That would be fine with me. " Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. Jana L. Rivard, Legal Assistant Larsen & Wixom Hills Center Business Park 1935 Village Center Circle Las Vegas, NV 89134 (702) 252-5002 FAX (702) 252-5006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 20, 2005 Report Share Posted March 20, 2005 Thanks Ken, loved the jokes you sent. I really needed a good laugh. Hugs June ---------- Internal Virus Database is out-of-date. Checked by AVG Anti-Virus. Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.7.2 - Release Date: 3/11/2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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