Mental House Cleaning

[Guest guest]

Hi all;

I've seen a few posts lately about husbands and I can't help but

compare my husband to what I read about here. I think I've finally

understood that he does love me, but shows it in ways that I don't

really consider the right ways. I long for certain things, like

taking walks together, but he runs to the store at the last minute

for an ingredient we need for supper. He cuts the grass after working

construction all day. He gets up and goes to work early while I seem

to enjoy life sleeping in. He does show his love in alot of ways and

I stubbornly seem to be clinging to these preconceived ideas I have

about love and not really registering the good he does do.

Men are notoriously bad at expressing feelings, too. He can't seem to

talk easily. He's got a short fuse lately because he needs surgery

himself. I wonder if our husbands love us a lot more than we realize.

After all, we're totally different from the women they married. We

don't fit in the image they had of a long happy life together, both

people working, both healthy and happy.

I'm turning over a new leaf in my marriage. Today is my 27th

anniversary, so it's appropriate. This is the season leaves change

color and fall. Maybe I need to adapt a little better to the changes

I'm living with and learn to accept this version of myself. My

husband has had to do that.

Maybe we need to stop the negative self talk. That would be a major

positive step in the right direction. They say men are from Mars,

women from Venus and I think that's true. I'm going to try to focus

on seeing life through his eyes for a while and see what that does to

our marriage.

Chronic pain makes us so self-absorbed in good and bad ways. Pain takes over and

kicks out other more constructive thoughts. I say it's time to do a little

mental house cleaning. Anyone with me in this? Joan

[Guest guest]

<<Chronic pain makes us so self-absorbed in good and bad ways. Pain takes

over and kicks out other more constructive thoughts. I say it's time to

do a little mental house cleaning. Anyone with me in this?>>

Joan,

I'd love to join you, just not sure how to begin. I agree with you that our

husbands or significant others often show their love in a different way than we

might like. But there are spouses out there (not just men, I'm sure) who really

are insensitive. My ex, for instance. I remember calling to tell him that I was

in labor with our first child. His response? " I just have a few things to clean

up here at the office. I'll be home as soon as I can. " Or when I was home for

maybe 15 hours after foot surgery and our bipolar daughter refused to get up to

go to school. " S won't get up. I have to go to work. See you later. " Huh? I have

countless stories of his callous attitude, and I must say, his (mis)treatment of

me has definitely shaped my own view of myself.

Incredibly, though, I just remarried this past May. Dave knew what he was

getting into; he'd nursed me after I broke my hip, and he was already taking me

to pain doc appointments for my trigeminal neuralgia. In fact, a few days before

the wedding, he took me for cortisone shots in both feet (two neuromas in each

foot) so that I'd be able to wear something other than slippers or sneakers

during the wedding ceremony. He's been great; since he makes his own hours, he's

available to take me to doc appts and even to stay home with me on those days

when I can't get out of bed. He drives my son around, does the shopping, and

makes an effort to take me out to lunch or to a bookstore every week.

There's no question that he loves me and that he shows me his love in all

these little ways. But I feel guilty--guilty that I'm " ruining " his life, that

he's saddled with such a gimp, that he can't do what he wants to do sometimes

because I need his help. He reassures me that he doesn't mind the 30 lbs that

I've put on since we met (from inactivity and meds), yet I feel like I'm a big

fat blob anyway. My self-esteem is in the toilet.

I'd love to be able to change my mind-set. Not only would I be happier, but so

would my husband and my children. But where to begin? I always bounced back

before; I don't see that happening this time. It was bad enough not being able

to walk right after I broke my hip--limping, climbing stairs like a toddler. Now

I'm spaced out from the meds and I'm still grimacing in pain for much of the

day. There's no " fix " for what ails me. And that's what I find myself focusing

on. Not that I have terrific kids, or a wonderful new husband. Or even that

what's wrong with me isn't life-threatening. All I see is a life of pain ahead

of me. I'm working with a psychologist, and I just started taking zoloft to help

lessen this depression. But even the shrink can't say " Things will get better "

without me losing faith in him, and happy pills aren't going to make the pain go

away.

So yeah, count me in. But I'm going to need a lot of guidance and cheerleading

to get my mental house cleaned.

Hugs,

a

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[Guest guest]

Joan,

Did you apply for SSDI while you were going to school?

Gail