Re: In the midst

[Guest guest]

Sharon,

I am so sorry that you are in such pain right now. You are not alone - we all

have each other and we all here understand. One book that really put the

reality of this f'ing disorder dead center for me was Understanding the

Borderline Mother. It is a hard, hard read, but has set me free in ways the

other books didn't. In particular, it helped me feel less guilty by realizing

that they are insane and how they are insane and what makes them insane and what

they are likely to do and its effects on us as a child and now.

Big Hug,

Greg.

In the midst

of chaos...

I decided to go NC with my parents in mid November.... although my mother

sent some nasty emails to me all was quiet for a few weeks after things

settled down.

Well I guess with Christmas upon us mom is calling/emailing my brother (only

sibling) and it is aweful. She sounds suicidal. She tried about 7 years

ago. She says my father is crying.....she blames us all for treating her

horribly. The problem is that we've had it. I can't be myself around

her....I am actually afraid of her. I'm irritable and snappy when I'm with

her. I've tried to stop but I can't.....I' m frazzled. I decided to do the

NC thing because it's starting to affect my mental health. The thing is

that I'm happy and upbeat when she's not around, when I'm with other

people. I'm generally a happy go lucky person with others. This is ruining

me. The guilt is ruining me, but I still feel I made the right

choice....there really was no other choice.

I'm so afraid she's going to do something drastic. This is awful.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Greg......I appreciate your support. I feel so helpless right now

and my stomach is in knots.

I haven't read any of the books yet because I just don't know which one to

start with, but this one sounds good. I'm going to Amazon to order it right

now.

Sharon

>

> Sharon,

>

> I am so sorry that you are in such pain right now. You are not alone - we

> all have each other and we all here understand. One book that really put

> the reality of this f'ing disorder dead center for me was Understanding the

> Borderline Mother. It is a hard, hard read, but has set me free in ways the

> other books didn't. In particular, it helped me feel less guilty by

> realizing that they are insane and how they are insane and what makes them

> insane and what they are likely to do and its effects on us as a child and

> now.

>

> Big Hug,

>

> Greg.

>

>

> In the midst

>

> of chaos...

>

> I decided to go NC with my parents in mid November.... although my mother

> sent some nasty emails to me all was quiet for a few weeks after things

> settled down.

>

> Well I guess with Christmas upon us mom is calling/emailing my brother

> (only

> sibling) and it is aweful. She sounds suicidal. She tried about 7 years

> ago. She says my father is crying.....she blames us all for treating her

> horribly. The problem is that we've had it. I can't be myself around

> her....I am actually afraid of her. I'm irritable and snappy when I'm with

> her. I've tried to stop but I can't.....I' m frazzled. I decided to do the

> NC thing because it's starting to affect my mental health. The thing is

> that I'm happy and upbeat when she's not around, when I'm with other

> people. I'm generally a happy go lucky person with others. This is ruining

> me. The guilt is ruining me, but I still feel I made the right

> choice....there really was no other choice.

>

> I'm so afraid she's going to do something drastic. This is awful.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sharon, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I back up

Greg in saying that is great book to read. I also found it very

helpful. Other books sometimes made me feel frustrated like I wanted

to throw them out the window and scream " I TRIED THAT! " But the UBM

book was wonderful for once it felt like somebody understood me. I

can really empathize with you and the suicide threats and hanging

daddies tears over your head my mom does the same thing. It hurts

and I know. You will make it. Stay strong and Merry Christmas. Love

Lizzy

> >

> > Sharon,

> >

> > I am so sorry that you are in such pain right now. You are not

alone - we

> > all have each other and we all here understand. One book that

really put

> > the reality of this f'ing disorder dead center for me was

Understanding the

> > Borderline Mother. It is a hard, hard read, but has set me free

in ways the

> > other books didn't. In particular, it helped me feel less

guilty by

> > realizing that they are insane and how they are insane and what

makes them

> > insane and what they are likely to do and its effects on us as a

child and

> > now.

> >

> > Big Hug,

> >

> > Greg.

> >

> >

> > In the midst

> >

> > of chaos...

> >

> > I decided to go NC with my parents in mid November.... although

my mother

> > sent some nasty emails to me all was quiet for a few weeks after

things

> > settled down.

> >

> > Well I guess with Christmas upon us mom is calling/emailing my

brother

> > (only

> > sibling) and it is aweful. She sounds suicidal. She tried about

7 years

> > ago. She says my father is crying.....she blames us all for

treating her

> > horribly. The problem is that we've had it. I can't be myself

around

> > her....I am actually afraid of her. I'm irritable and snappy

when I'm with

> > her. I've tried to stop but I can't.....I' m frazzled. I decided

to do the

> > NC thing because it's starting to affect my mental health. The

thing is

> > that I'm happy and upbeat when she's not around, when I'm with

other

> > people. I'm generally a happy go lucky person with others. This

is ruining

> > me. The guilt is ruining me, but I still feel I made the right

> > choice....there really was no other choice.

> >

> > I'm so afraid she's going to do something drastic. This is awful.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Lizzy....you kind words mean so much. My poor boyfriend is a good

listener but gets a teensy bit frustrated because he has no idea what to

say. I let him know that there is nothing he can say because he has never

been in this situation. His listening is all I need from him right now.

He's darling! Have a very Merry Christmas yourself!

Sharon

>

[Guest guest]

Sharon,

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this during the

holidays. I know how hard it is to stay NC when the Nada is trying

to suck you back in. It seems Nada can find any excuse to try to get

you back.

My Nada also uses my dad saying that I hurt him so much. My dad

has never said I love you to me and he is hurt. Boy, Nada pulls

everything out.

Try to stay strong.. It is so nice to not have the chaos around.

I found the peace and quiet wonderful. And don't feel guilty. So so

deserve a life without anxiety or fear..

I know what you mean about being at the end of your ropes. I wish

Nada understood that they push us too much. I felt like a china doll

broken in a million pieces.

I did NC in Sept and I had anxiety for at least 2 months. I was

so afraid of Nada coming back into my life and if I was strong

enough to not let her.

I have turned into a bull.. too stubborn...

Bee strong.

>

> of chaos...

>

> I decided to go NC with my parents in mid November....although my

mother

> sent some nasty emails to me all was quiet for a few weeks after

things

> settled down.

>

> Well I guess with Christmas upon us mom is calling/emailing my

brother (only

> sibling) and it is aweful. She sounds suicidal. She tried about

7 years

> ago. She says my father is crying.....she blames us all for

treating her

> horribly. The problem is that we've had it. I can't be myself

around

> her....I am actually afraid of her. I'm irritable and snappy when

I'm with

> her. I've tried to stop but I can't.....I'm frazzled. I decided

to do the

> NC thing because it's starting to affect my mental health. The

thing is

> that I'm happy and upbeat when she's not around, when I'm with

other

> people. I'm generally a happy go lucky person with others. This

is ruining

> me. The guilt is ruining me, but I still feel I made the right

> choice....there really was no other choice.

>

> I'm so afraid she's going to do something drastic. This is awful.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sharon, I know what you mean it is the same thing w/ me and dh.

Sometimes in the begining he would feel the same but know I have a

great support group around me. I have read lots of books, that helps

a great deal. I have been to talk to T. and P., and this group I

have found to be more help than anything! It is never all the way

easy but it has become better over the years.

Have a Merry Christmas & I hope you only do things today that you

love to do! We are all here when you need an ear! Love Lizzy

>

> Thanks, Lizzy....you kind words mean so much. My poor boyfriend

is a good

> listener but gets a teensy bit frustrated because he has no idea

what to

> say. I let him know that there is nothing he can say because he

has never

> been in this situation. His listening is all I need from him

right now.

> He's darling! Have a very Merry Christmas yourself!

>

> Sharon

>

>

>

>

>

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sharon /of chaos,

It's incredible how nada's can be venomous to our essence. Even

though I've gotten rid of the poison, I still feel scared of what she

might do. I'm home for the holidays in Michigan and even though she's

hundreds of miles away, I checked the window when I heard an engine

of a car in the distance las night. I thought it might be a Toyota

with an angry nada trudging through the night. After that I had

trouble sleeping, I tossed and turned into the late hours of the

darkness, contemplating her next move. I envisioned her sitting at

home on Christmas with my stepfather, pretending everything was

alright; meanwhile her head is strategically planning the destruction

of some innocent individual's dreams and happiness. Everyone has left

her. She has no one but her dish rag. Then I imagined my stepfather

being provoked by my nada, enough to partake in a suicide murder.

Sadly that was what she wanted more than anything, " suicide by

dishrag " . Then I take comfort in the manifesto that she prepared just

before the holiday season. This 20,000 page full out assault on

senses was laid out before me on the seat of my sister's car at

Detroit metro airport, I told her I don't even want to see it. " I

know all to well what it says_____, it says the world is flat and if

I had the chance to extract all the life, love and dreams from you

I'd gladly do it all over again. " I've given her far too much and

that beating myself up would be the only product of that letter and

would demonstrate my selfishness. This self-centeredness is not my

own, but owned by nada; and is extended through me. In order for my

essence to remain autonomous from her being, I must stay away. I

thought to myself- which is worse to live under the rule of a tyrant

which doesn't allow your entirety to exist or to be plagued with

guilt by letting that tormenter hang. I think Tyrant's tend to go out

with a bang. I like New Hampshire's plat, " Give me Freedom or Give me

Death " . I then went to bed.

>

> of chaos...

>

> I decided to go NC with my parents in mid November....although my

mother

> sent some nasty emails to me all was quiet for a few weeks after

things

> settled down.

>

> Well I guess with Christmas upon us mom is calling/emailing my

brother (only

> sibling) and it is aweful. She sounds suicidal. She tried about 7

years

> ago. She says my father is crying.....she blames us all for

treating her

> horribly. The problem is that we've had it. I can't be myself

around

> her....I am actually afraid of her. I'm irritable and snappy when

I'm with

> her. I've tried to stop but I can't.....I'm frazzled. I decided

to do the

> NC thing because it's starting to affect my mental health. The

thing is

> that I'm happy and upbeat when she's not around, when I'm with other

> people. I'm generally a happy go lucky person with others. This

is ruining

> me. The guilt is ruining me, but I still feel I made the right

> choice....there really was no other choice.

>

> I'm so afraid she's going to do something drastic. This is awful.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Well, my father has requested a meeting with my brother today. My brother

had no idea what he would say to him. We talked about it. We agreed that

he'd tell my dad that him and I may go for counseling...anything to help the

situation. I know it won't change my mother (who supposedly is going

through her own counseling) but it may help us deal better with her. I feel

like I'm weakening. As much as I truly feel I need to continue the NC, I

feel it's just hurting my father so much. I told my brother to try to

smooth things over a bit so they can have a nice holiday. Since they'll be

without any family.

I am so tired of the constant knots in my stomach. I feel like I'm getting

a bad cold and I'm due to fly to my boyfriend's house in 4 days.

[Guest guest]

Sharon,

Man does the guilt hurt, but the feeling of loving yourself

eventually tips the scale. My newly found love was the only thing

that has kept me moving on ward. This love was hard to find at times

and feels a world away, but once you have a little taste of that

warmth you are naturally attracked to its purity and virtue. You know

your potential to love and be loved. The guilt in my stomach has

lessened but is still there to remind me how far I've come.

>

> Well, my father has requested a meeting with my brother today. My

brother

> had no idea what he would say to him. We talked about it. We

agreed that

> he'd tell my dad that him and I may go for counseling...anything to

help the

> situation. I know it won't change my mother (who supposedly is

going

> through her own counseling) but it may help us deal better with

her. I feel

> like I'm weakening. As much as I truly feel I need to continue the

NC, I

> feel it's just hurting my father so much. I told my brother to try

to

> smooth things over a bit so they can have a nice holiday. Since

they'll be

> without any family.

>

> I am so tired of the constant knots in my stomach. I feel like I'm

getting

> a bad cold and I'm due to fly to my boyfriend's house in 4 days.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm happy, , that you've moved ahead a bit and are feeling better about

making the right decision. I pray that I get there, too. God bless you and

have a very happy holiday!

[Guest guest]

Sharon,

People refer to your BPD-mom as Nada.. I am not sure if there is

a translation and who thought of it. Maybe it is to distinguish

between a good-mom..

I can't believe I have the same sort of family. My dad is the

sweetest dad. He hardly ever gets angry. He is so enmeshed with

Nada. He will do anything for her. My Nada was jealous because I

was so close to dad and cut this relationship off, but telling

untruths to dad. Nada poluted dad's mind...

Maybe there is something under the files section...

Happy Holidays to all!!

>

> Thanks, Daisy......I appreciate your insight. My problem is that

my dad is

> really a very sweet man, totally enmeshed. I feel so guilty about

this.

> Part of me is angry that he let this go on, but I realize that he

is mostly

> an innocent victim. Mom always ran the show.

>

> btw, what does NADA mean? I get the gist of it, but am not sure

what the

> intials stand for. Is there a place to go to find out what all

this

> terminology means?

>

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Daisy,

I could have written what you wrote. I can never give

my father any special attention, it drives my mom mad.

She always talks badly about him him to me but he

would never do that. I always had to be so careful

how I handled the situation. Years ago, she even came

out and said that I love him more than her. No, I

just feel bad for him because he has to live with her

AND he and I are a bit more alike than she and I. I

can have normal, fun, laughing conversations with him.

I always know what to expect from him. My mother is

a ticking time bomb.

I hope you have a lovely holiday. I am going to my

brother's house. My mother is very upset that we are

" leaving them alone " , but they expected my brother and

his family to go to their house, leaving me alone.

Hmmmm, interesting.

Take care,

Sharon

" Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee. "

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sharon,

I feel for you in the situation with your dad. My dad is the biggest

struggle in all this for me, too. I know there is not hope for my

nada but I am still concerned for my dad. Yet, when I try to be

there for him, I get caught between them.

As Daisy also has said, my nada gets jealous and competitive when it

comes to my dad's attention. During years of more contact, it felt

like I have to give her an hour to enjoy 10 minutes with him. I

realize he has not done anything for himself in this situation, and

even tends to abandon me and my sibs when he sees something brewing

with my nada. And yet, I feel for him.

I still have not figured out how to deal with seeing that he is doing

nothing to help himself and will abandon me if needed, and yet is a

kind man who has loved us (me and sibs)and that his shortcomings come

from some weakness and not ill-will.

What types of understanding are you finding when looking at your

fathers?

Caitlyn