Re: Familiar Stories

[Guest guest]

Kerrie,

Thanks for your kind words.

Suicide runs in my nada's family too. Her brother committed suiced 7

years before she did. I also had several friends who did the same

thing when I was growing up.

My nada threatened so many times to do it and made so many fake

attempts, but I read that when people are really serious about it,

they tell no one. That seems to be true for everyone I know who did

it including her. There was no warning.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with anger. I always struggled

so much with it too because there was never anywhere to put it. I

have never had any idea what to do about anger because I couldn't

direct it at my mom because she couldn't handle it and it would be a

waste of time so I internalized it; still do sometimes. I hope you

can try to feel it and process it.

I am working on how to process and deal with emotions too. Sometimes

I get so overwhelmed, I can relate to what you're saying. I push

people away and can't even admit to anyone that anything is wrong. I

have a super hard time asking for help. Is that typical being a KO?

From my experience BPD seems to be progressive and as my mom got

older this was true. Since she was bipolar also, she was always

extremely manic in the summer and depressed in the winter. The last

couple of years of her life, the manic stopped and she was depressed

all the time. She od'd several times on her meds, and a lot of her

normal BP behavior stopped. She didn't have rages, didn't call as

much, didn't just show up at my house or work, and withdrew more into

herself.

I think this really helped me let go of some of the anger. I finally

saw how pitiful she really was and how miserable it must be to be

her. I'm not minimizing her horrible behavior, she was very extreme,

but I was able to view her in a different light.

The last time I saw her was when we had a hurricane (I live on east

coast) and my husband at the time insisted she come stay with us. I

was so detached, I didn't even want her to come because she was

making so many demands before she even got to our house. She kept

telling me she had to have lots of ice even though we had no power

and all these other things. Anyway, she came and was just so pitiful-

she was bone thin (anorexic too), and she couldn't stop marching.

She was so anxiety filled she couldn't sit still or sleep. I was a

train wreck the 2 days she was with us, but I'm glad my exhusband

made me let her come. She died 2 weeks later and I already felt

guilty about it, if I hadn't let her come over it would have been

much worse.

I guess my point is that I truly felt sorry for her for the first

time; my pain is so deep but at least I have an opportunity to heal.

There was no way she would ever get better. I know a lot of people

think BPD is treatable, but her case did not seem to be- I heard that

from many doctors. I realized that her pain would not go away no

matter what anyone did and her dying was the best thing for her, she

is hopefully at peace.

I think it's awful about your mom's cancer, but maybe it will change

how you view her. I think all KO's probably have a lot of

unexpressed and very valid anger, I don't mean to minimize your pain,

but I think living with BPD would be unimaginable and I would rather

be a KO than a BPD person. At least we know we are screwed up!

Sorry this is so long, I can't seem to ever get out a short post.

Take care!!!

> >

> > I am pretty new with posting, but I have been reading with much

> > interest. Here's a little of my story...

> > I am 38 years old and new to the group. My mother was diagnosed

with

> > BPD about ten years ago. Her condition was deemed chronic and

severe

> > BPD and she was also bipolar, alcoholic, and anorexic.

> > She committed suicide 3 years ago after many unsuccessful

attempts-

> > years ago her attempts were to get attention and then they became

> > real attempts. The last several years of her life she was

extremely

> > depressed, her BPD became much more severe, and her self

> > mutilation much more extreme.

> > Anyway, it has been so affirming to hear other people's stories.

> > Growing up, I never knew anyone who had a parent like mine.

Anytime

> > my friends had a crazy mom story, I could always beat it. Until I

> > found this group, I never knew anyone that had any understanding

of

> > what I went through. I really thought I was unique; it's nice to

> > know there are others like me but sad at the same time.

> > I thought I was done dealing with all of my childhood issues

until I

> > started reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " For some reason,

I

> > recently saw this book and felt compelled to read it. I now

realize

> > I am still living off of all the negative messages. I thought when

> > my mom died, that I was free, but I am not.

> > I have a hard time with relationships and really opening myself

up.

> > I shut down and isolate much of the time. I am still so torn

between

> > loving my mom, missing her, and being angry with her for all the

> > horrible things she did and said to me.

> > The book has brought up some repressed memories, I am still

having a

> > hard time with my childhood memories but they are slowly coming

> > back. It's weird, because I had thought she was somewhat better

when

> > I was younger, but in truth she wasn't- I just wasn't able to see

> > through the lies and manipulations as a young child. As I got

older,

> > I knew better than to believe her, but I took everything at face

> > value before.

> > I have a daughter of my own now and I think being a mom has

brought

> > out so much of the hurt in me. I could never imagine hurting her

the

> > way I was hurt; I would do anything to protect her from pain. I

> > think she was sent to heal me, I finally get to have a

> > mother/daughter relationship and it is the most amazing thing in

the

> > world.

> > I think as a KO I have a hard time in relationships because I was

> > always

> > searching for unconditional love and I think that unconditional

love

> > is only something you can expect from a parent/child relationship

or

> > if you believe, God. I spent my whole life searching

> > for " something " , I had no clue it was unconditional love until I

> > became a parent. As KO's we don't get it, so we don't realize what

> > we are missing.

> > Anyway, I guess I'm writing because I want to heal, I want to be

> free

> > from all the pain. I'm still not sure how, but it's so amazing to

> > know there are other like me.

> > Thanks for being here!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

That last line was hysterical-'at least we know we're screwed up'.

Amen to that one. Always projection galore w/a bp. And I do realize

I have issues too, but that's what my ts have said- 'the fact I'm

aware of these problems already denotes a certain lack of the bp's

reality of not sensing things as they are.'

In so far as dealing w/problems, I do have a hard time reaching out

for help though I've gotten better. Its just that these problems

overwhelm me so much and when I'm in the middle of them, I don't feel

organized enough to articulate what's going on inside and so it gets

a little bottled up though no where near like it use to. I just

erroneously sometimes think that if they overwhelm me so much, how in

the world can anyone else not directly in the situation remotely

understand- and after a lifetime of invalidation it is even easier to

carry too much on my own. My nada is still undiagnosed to my

knowledge.

I kind of had a 'oh my gosh' moment when reading your post about the

last time you saw your nada. I grew up in Florida and so I know what

you mean w/hurricanes, but the last time I saw my nada a year and a

half ago was when we were evacuating a hurricane. Cat 5...otherwise

we wouldn't have left. After that I kind of vowed to never trade in

another hurricane for the likes of a bp hurricane. I probably have

the opposite feeling than you, but that was also the last time I saw

her fiance before he killed himself. And it was kind of strange how

much more of a backbone he'd grown than I'd ever seen in him around

nada. I was somewhat proud of him though maybe that was also a clue

to his upcoming suicide six months later- the calm before the storm,

the doing a lot better before it all falls apart.

In so far as her cancer, its like this t said that I went to last

month. Just b/c the rattlesnakes not rattling doesn't mean it won't

bite. In fact the opposite is true of rattle snakes- they make noise

to warn you to stay away but when they are calm and quiet you're dead

meat. ouch!

And so I've kept my distance as she once again tried to play

headgames at the holidays and so she's more angry than perhaps ever

before and not at all safe in my opinion to be around. But I do pity

her. Very much so.

Kerrie

> > >

> > > I am pretty new with posting, but I have been reading with much

> > > interest. Here's a little of my story...

> > > I am 38 years old and new to the group. My mother was diagnosed

> with

> > > BPD about ten years ago. Her condition was deemed chronic and

> severe

> > > BPD and she was also bipolar, alcoholic, and anorexic.

> > > She committed suicide 3 years ago after many unsuccessful

> attempts-

> > > years ago her attempts were to get attention and then they

became

> > > real attempts. The last several years of her life she was

> extremely

> > > depressed, her BPD became much more severe, and her self

> > > mutilation much more extreme.

> > > Anyway, it has been so affirming to hear other people's stories.

> > > Growing up, I never knew anyone who had a parent like mine.

> Anytime

> > > my friends had a crazy mom story, I could always beat it. Until

I

> > > found this group, I never knew anyone that had any

understanding

> of

> > > what I went through. I really thought I was unique; it's nice

to

> > > know there are others like me but sad at the same time.

> > > I thought I was done dealing with all of my childhood issues

> until I

> > > started reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " For some

reason,

> I

> > > recently saw this book and felt compelled to read it. I now

> realize

> > > I am still living off of all the negative messages. I thought

when

> > > my mom died, that I was free, but I am not.

> > > I have a hard time with relationships and really opening myself

> up.

> > > I shut down and isolate much of the time. I am still so torn

> between

> > > loving my mom, missing her, and being angry with her for all the

> > > horrible things she did and said to me.

> > > The book has brought up some repressed memories, I am still

> having a

> > > hard time with my childhood memories but they are slowly coming

> > > back. It's weird, because I had thought she was somewhat better

> when

> > > I was younger, but in truth she wasn't- I just wasn't able to

see

> > > through the lies and manipulations as a young child. As I got

> older,

> > > I knew better than to believe her, but I took everything at face

> > > value before.

> > > I have a daughter of my own now and I think being a mom has

> brought

> > > out so much of the hurt in me. I could never imagine hurting

her

> the

> > > way I was hurt; I would do anything to protect her from pain. I

> > > think she was sent to heal me, I finally get to have a

> > > mother/daughter relationship and it is the most amazing thing

in

> the

> > > world.

> > > I think as a KO I have a hard time in relationships because I

was

> > > always

> > > searching for unconditional love and I think that unconditional

> love

> > > is only something you can expect from a parent/child

relationship

> or

> > > if you believe, God. I spent my whole life searching

> > > for " something " , I had no clue it was unconditional love until I

> > > became a parent. As KO's we don't get it, so we don't realize

what

> > > we are missing.

> > > Anyway, I guess I'm writing because I want to heal, I want to

be

> > free

> > > from all the pain. I'm still not sure how, but it's so amazing

to

> > > know there are other like me.

> > > Thanks for being here!

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you for sharing your story.

I went NC last October and while I have had major relief from the

emotional turmoil of nada, I realize that I still have the past and

my development to deal with. Reading your story of how you are

still dealing with your experiences even after the death of your

mother brings that part of the experience really into focus for me.

I'm glad that motherhood is offering you some healing. I read a

great book in my preparation for motherhood (I'm 35 and have 1 3yr

old son) called " Buddha Mom: Motherhood as a Spiritual Path. " It

was awesome to be able to view motherood in this light with such

topics as attachment, homemaking, etc.

Wishing you health,

a

>

> I am pretty new with posting, but I have been reading with much

> interest. Here's a little of my story...

> I am 38 years old and new to the group. My mother was diagnosed

with

> BPD about ten years ago. Her condition was deemed chronic and

severe

> BPD and she was also bipolar, alcoholic, and anorexic.

> She committed suicide 3 years ago after many unsuccessful attempts-

> years ago her attempts were to get attention and then they became

> real attempts. The last several years of her life she was extremely

> depressed, her BPD became much more severe, and her self

> mutilation much more extreme.

> Anyway, it has been so affirming to hear other people's stories.

> Growing up, I never knew anyone who had a parent like mine. Anytime

> my friends had a crazy mom story, I could always beat it. Until I

> found this group, I never knew anyone that had any understanding of

> what I went through. I really thought I was unique; it's nice to

> know there are others like me but sad at the same time.

> I thought I was done dealing with all of my childhood issues until

I

> started reading " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " For some reason, I

> recently saw this book and felt compelled to read it. I now realize

> I am still living off of all the negative messages. I thought when

> my mom died, that I was free, but I am not.

> I have a hard time with relationships and really opening myself up.

> I shut down and isolate much of the time. I am still so torn

between

> loving my mom, missing her, and being angry with her for all the

> horrible things she did and said to me.

> The book has brought up some repressed memories, I am still having

a

> hard time with my childhood memories but they are slowly coming

> back. It's weird, because I had thought she was somewhat better

when

> I was younger, but in truth she wasn't- I just wasn't able to see

> through the lies and manipulations as a young child. As I got

older,

> I knew better than to believe her, but I took everything at face

> value before.

> I have a daughter of my own now and I think being a mom has brought

> out so much of the hurt in me. I could never imagine hurting her

the

> way I was hurt; I would do anything to protect her from pain. I

> think she was sent to heal me, I finally get to have a

> mother/daughter relationship and it is the most amazing thing in

the

> world.

> I think as a KO I have a hard time in relationships because I was

> always

> searching for unconditional love and I think that unconditional

love

> is only something you can expect from a parent/child relationship

or

> if you believe, God. I spent my whole life searching

> for " something " , I had no clue it was unconditional love until I

> became a parent. As KO's we don't get it, so we don't realize what

> we are missing.

> Anyway, I guess I'm writing because I want to heal, I want to be

free

> from all the pain. I'm still not sure how, but it's so amazing to

> know there are other like me.

> Thanks for being here!

>

>