super-long vent....feedback welcome

December 16, 2006

Hello all,

I hope you are all doing well today. I am having some conflicted feelings that

I would like to share with you in hopes that I can sort through them.

I am feeling so angry with my stepson's nada(Having learned much about her and

observing her I'm almost 99% sure that she is BPD, or some type of PD anyway!).

I am also feeling angry with myself for " forgetting " how screwed up she is. I

don't think that I really meant to forget, we just had so much less controversy

with her after the custody battle ended in '03, that I thought that things were

getting better. I was so wrong on that one!!!

First a little update: My stepson, P, is in third grade. He lives with his

nada and her goober of a husband on an air force base 80 miles away from us. DH

and I have been shut out of his school happenings, etc., for the most part b/c

he is so far away, and his school is on the base and we don't have access to it

without going through the ex(Flakey is her name to us). Recently, P had been

having trouble with his grades. Although he has tested very high in his class,

the caliber of the homework and such had been slipping noticeably. Flakey had

decided that it is our fault that her star student is beginning to fade. We

talked with the boy and since then his grades have come back up...no problem.

Last week however, the teacher sent home a mid-term report that showed P failing

in citizenship, and P pulled two tickets(warnings for behavior) in class. Again,

WE are not doing enough to " make " P have good behavior. We decided to meet with

the teacher to figure out what the real

problems are and how we can help. There was a parent comment section on the

bottom of the mid-term that had to be signed and returned. We used that to

request a meeting so that Flakey could not conveniently lose the note.

We met with P's teacher on Thursday. He explained that P was having trouble

with blurting out in class, having a sharp tongue while doing so, rushing

through his work and targeting other children to dominate. I was so impressed!

He was spot on with the issues, and had constructive, compassionate approaches

for dealing with them. BTW, he is also a social worker....hallelujah!!! As we

talked he mentioned that he felt it is wrong to exclude the other parent simply

b/c they do not have as much time with the kid. He said the he would send us all

the papers and info that she usually gets, and will keep us in the loop. I think

he's caught on to her dysfunction, and hinted at it to us, but did not go into

it. This is the first male teacher that P has had and they have butt heads a

little. Yet, I think this is exactly what he needs right now: A male role model

in his immediate life who actually gives a crap about him. By the end of the

meeting, I could've kissed the guy! I didn't

though, DH wouldn't appreciate that! I was so grateful that this teacher is

doing all the things that we try to do with P, and more. We learned some new

stuff too!

After the meeting with the teacher, we went to P's Christmas music program. We

made sure that he saw us watching him. Since his own nada was obviously not

paying attention to him, we went a little overboard to show him that we were.

She was turned around talking to people and messing with her cell phone, and

just being completely inconsiderate!

When it was over, we gave him hugs and kisses and congratulated him on a nice

program. He started to ask us if we would like to come over to his house for a

while and then stopped and became sullen. DH asked what was wrong. He said that

we couldn't b/c he had to stand in the corner again after they got home for

pulling those two tickets a week ago. A WEEK AGO!!!! He's had to do this all

week long after school! That is just humiliating, especially to an intelligent

kid! It serves no purpose, except to punish him for making her look bad. It was

gut-wrenching to have to leave him there, knowing that he was going home with

the two biggest idiots in the known world! As we left, Flakey was hugging P like

we had done. He looked so sad, like " Please don't leave me here. " Oh, I was

pissed, PISSED! Homicidal pissed! I wanted to choke the life out of her! She is

so freaking fake! How can you do that to a child? Your own child!? Give hugs and

stuff in public and as soon as the front

door closes turn into the ice queen. She is not an affectionate person, AT ALL!

Unless it's to look like the good mom in front of someone else.

I cried a lot on the way home. I wish that I could take all of that away from

him! All of the pain that is caused by someone who is supposed to love him. I

don't want him to hurt the way that I have- realizing 26 years later how much my

mother did not love me, and was not concerned about my well being! Realizing

that I was a KO. Feeling so shattered, and ugly. I was not normal at all! Like I

was so flawed that I was not worthy of a mother's love- the type of love that

surpasses looks and accomplishments and sees the goodness in their child's soul

and loves them with their whole being. He doesn't get that from Flakey. He gets

pushed away and punished for simply being a kid. Having needs. Making mistakes.

Being human! DH said that he knew that P was having to endure this for a reason.

God would not allow it otherwise. He also said that it was vital for us to be

even better examples for him. To validate him and show him that there are better

days ahead of him. I know he's

right, but I would still take it all away if I could! Even though I am learning

about BPD and healing slowly, I still feel that ugliness. I hate feeling that

way, I don't want him to feel it too.

So now Flakey wants to have a meeting with us about what to do about P.

(Translation: I want to gripe about P and about how much you have NOT been doing

to help me.) Knowing how she works, there will be a plan that she will want us

to follow at our house to " work on his behavior " or punish him even more. We

dodged it on Thursday b/c it just felt too much like a trap, but she is still

pressing the issue. How do we try to communicate with someone who will not hear

the truth? She will not acknowledge that she has had a (HUGE) negative affect on

her son and his behavior and that she needs to change her approach of parenting

him. It's still our fault, we're not there enough. We don't do enough. Even

though SHE moved way the heck out to the base, where they are completely

isolated from all family and even other towns, it's still our fault that there

are problems! Sheesh! I'm just not sure how to have a productive meeting with

her. It seems impossible! I will not be a sell-out

and nod my head like I'm agreeing with her to keep the peace when really I

would like to throw her off a cliff! DH is very adamant that we should not meet

at all. It would only end badly, which would translate into more trouble for P.

I agree, but I don't know that avoiding it would cause any less.

AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! If I had hair, I'd be pulling it out right now!!!

Thank you to anyone who made it this far into my long vent. It is so wonderful

to have this group! I wouldn't have anyone to talk to otherwise. I've been

typing and crying for three hours now. I think I am finally clear and calm

enough to sleep now- It's 3 am. Thank you all again!!!

Adria

__________________________________________________

December 16, 2006

Adria,

I don't know what to say - there is nothing that I can say that you

don't already know. I have never had this type of problem in my

life, so I don't even have a 'when this happened to me' story to

share with you. I feel so bad for you, your DH and your stepson. I

understand how difficult this is for you, because you understand

what this nada can do to her child. BUT - and this is a big BUT -

you do know, and so to the best of your ability, and that of your

DH, you can and will be there for this little boy. If his mother is

causing him to live in the crazy type of world we experienced as

children, you and your husband will be the light at the end of his

tunnel.

Your story may tug at my heart even more because I have a grandson

in third grade, and I know how upset I would be if I thought he had

to deal with a BP parent.

It is great that his teacher has such good insight into the

situation, and also that he is going to keep you and DH in the loop

regarding his school life.

I think I disagree with your husband, however, in his feeling that

there is a reason for his son to have to go through this. I

personally don't believe there is any reason for children to have to

live through the horror of a mentally ill parent. I am not dissing

him, however. This belief may be his way of coping with the

situation - and I just may be all wrong in disagreeing, too.

I do recommend that you document what you know and hear about from

your stepson. Perhaps that documentation will come in handy in the

future. And perhaps his teacher will become an ally. When your

stepson is placed in the next grade, hopefully this teacher will

explain the family dynamics to the new teacher. Perhaps you and DH

can foster this type of communication with the teachers, and that

should provide a level of safety and protection for him as well.

As for meeting with Flaky (love the name!), I honestly don't have a

clue as to what would be the best thing to do. I totally understand

how fruitless it would be to try to communcate with her on a mature

and responsible level, and I understand how she is trying to

manipulate all of this to her advantage. I know you and DH will do

the best you can, and that is all you can expect. I hope it will

help you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sylvia

>

> Hello all,

>

> I hope you are all doing well today. I am having some conflicted

feelings that I would like to share with you in hopes that I can

sort through them.

>

> I am feeling so angry with my stepson's nada(Having learned much

about her and observing her I'm almost 99% sure that she is BPD, or

some type of PD anyway!). I am also feeling angry with myself

for " forgetting " how screwed up she is. I don't think that I really

meant to forget, we just had so much less controversy with her after

the custody battle ended in '03, that I thought that things were

getting better. I was so wrong on that one!!!

>

> First a little update: My stepson, P, is in third grade. He

lives with his nada and her goober of a husband on an air force base

80 miles away from us. DH and I have been shut out of his school

happenings, etc., for the most part b/c he is so far away, and his

school is on the base and we don't have access to it without going

through the ex(Flakey is her name to us). Recently, P had been

having trouble with his grades. Although he has tested very high in

his class, the caliber of the homework and such had been slipping

noticeably. Flakey had decided that it is our fault that her star

student is beginning to fade. We talked with the boy and since then

his grades have come back up...no problem. Last week however, the

teacher sent home a mid-term report that showed P failing in

citizenship, and P pulled two tickets(warnings for behavior) in

class. Again, WE are not doing enough to " make " P have good

behavior. We decided to meet with the teacher to figure out what the

real

> problems are and how we can help. There was a parent comment

section on the bottom of the mid-term that had to be signed and

returned. We used that to request a meeting so that Flakey could not

conveniently lose the note.

>

> We met with P's teacher on Thursday. He explained that P was

having trouble with blurting out in class, having a sharp tongue

while doing so, rushing through his work and targeting other

children to dominate. I was so impressed! He was spot on with the

issues, and had constructive, compassionate approaches for dealing

with them. BTW, he is also a social worker....hallelujah!!! As we

talked he mentioned that he felt it is wrong to exclude the other

parent simply b/c they do not have as much time with the kid. He

said the he would send us all the papers and info that she usually

gets, and will keep us in the loop. I think he's caught on to her

dysfunction, and hinted at it to us, but did not go into it. This is

the first male teacher that P has had and they have butt heads a

little. Yet, I think this is exactly what he needs right now: A male

role model in his immediate life who actually gives a crap about

him. By the end of the meeting, I could've kissed the guy! I didn't

> though, DH wouldn't appreciate that! I was so grateful that

this teacher is doing all the things that we try to do with P, and

more. We learned some new stuff too!

>

> After the meeting with the teacher, we went to P's Christmas

music program. We made sure that he saw us watching him. Since his

own nada was obviously not paying attention to him, we went a little

overboard to show him that we were. She was turned around talking to

people and messing with her cell phone, and just being completely

inconsiderate!

>

> When it was over, we gave him hugs and kisses and congratulated

him on a nice program. He started to ask us if we would like to come

over to his house for a while and then stopped and became sullen. DH

asked what was wrong. He said that we couldn't b/c he had to stand

in the corner again after they got home for pulling those two

tickets a week ago. A WEEK AGO!!!! He's had to do this all week long

after school! That is just humiliating, especially to an intelligent

kid! It serves no purpose, except to punish him for making her look

bad. It was gut-wrenching to have to leave him there, knowing that

he was going home with the two biggest idiots in the known world! As

we left, Flakey was hugging P like we had done. He looked so sad,

like " Please don't leave me here. " Oh, I was pissed, PISSED!

Homicidal pissed! I wanted to choke the life out of her! She is so

freaking fake! How can you do that to a child? Your own child!? Give

hugs and stuff in public and as soon as the front

> door closes turn into the ice queen. She is not an affectionate

person, AT ALL! Unless it's to look like the good mom in front of

someone else.

>

> I cried a lot on the way home. I wish that I could take all of

that away from him! All of the pain that is caused by someone who is

supposed to love him. I don't want him to hurt the way that I have-

realizing 26 years later how much my mother did not love me, and was

not concerned about my well being! Realizing that I was a KO.

Feeling so shattered, and ugly. I was not normal at all! Like I was

so flawed that I was not worthy of a mother's love- the type of love

that surpasses looks and accomplishments and sees the goodness in

their child's soul and loves them with their whole being. He doesn't

get that from Flakey. He gets pushed away and punished for simply

being a kid. Having needs. Making mistakes. Being human! DH said

that he knew that P was having to endure this for a reason. God

would not allow it otherwise. He also said that it was vital for us

to be even better examples for him. To validate him and show him

that there are better days ahead of him. I know he's

> right, but I would still take it all away if I could! Even though

I am learning about BPD and healing slowly, I still feel that

ugliness. I hate feeling that way, I don't want him to feel it too.

>

> So now Flakey wants to have a meeting with us about what to do

about P. (Translation: I want to gripe about P and about how much

you have NOT been doing to help me.) Knowing how she works, there

will be a plan that she will want us to follow at our house to " work

on his behavior " or punish him even more. We dodged it on Thursday

b/c it just felt too much like a trap, but she is still pressing the

issue. How do we try to communicate with someone who will not hear

the truth? She will not acknowledge that she has had a (HUGE)

negative affect on her son and his behavior and that she needs to

change her approach of parenting him. It's still our fault, we're

not there enough. We don't do enough. Even though SHE moved way the

heck out to the base, where they are completely isolated from all

family and even other towns, it's still our fault that there are

problems! Sheesh! I'm just not sure how to have a productive meeting

with her. It seems impossible! I will not be a sell-out

> and nod my head like I'm agreeing with her to keep the peace when

really I would like to throw her off a cliff! DH is very adamant

that we should not meet at all. It would only end badly, which would

translate into more trouble for P. I agree, but I don't know that

avoiding it would cause any less. AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! If I had

hair, I'd be pulling it out right now!!!

>

> Thank you to anyone who made it this far into my long vent. It

is so wonderful to have this group! I wouldn't have anyone to talk

to otherwise. I've been typing and crying for three hours now. I

think I am finally clear and calm enough to sleep now- It's 3 am.

Thank you all again!!!

>

> Adria

>

> __________________________________________________

>

December 17, 2006

Sylvia,

Thank you. I am trying the best I can to be helpful to my stepson. I hope that

he doesn't resent me later for not doing more to remove him from the abuse he

endures at his nada's house. DH and I fought so hard to gain full custody and

were not as successful as we wanted to be. She was more " convenient " and of

course, " she is the mom " . That makes me so angry! Our society is so stupid!

Being female does not equal being a good parent.

My feelings about the purpose of enduring painful things for a reason kind of

waffles sometimes. I know that I have learned great lessons from the trials of

my life. Things that I may not have learned otherwise. But at the same time I

don't think that childhood is the best time to do it. Children are dependent and

need good foundations to grow up on to be able to learn the tough lessons

without so much collateral damage. In church they say that we are not given

burdens that are more than we can handle. I try to remember that when I am

feeling very heavy laden. I don't know. Maybe it's justification and optimism in

the face of a rough and painful life. Who knows. I think though that maybe

having my stepson experience a hurtful environment with regular exposure to a

healthy one will help him to not take his future family for granted. Maybe he

will see how not to live and choose wisely for himself. That's my hope. I am so

relieved and grateful for his teacher's interest and

loving guidance during the times that he is not with us. He is a God-send for

my stepson!! When he is at school, it's that much time that he gets to spend in

a healthy place and not at home with his nada's corrosive behaviors and his

stepfada's stupid cruelty! I feel there will come a day soon enough when P will

be on the same level as his " parents " and things will start to escalate. He will

be able to verbally and emotionally spar with them and they will become more

threatened by him. My biggest concern is that stepfada will try to control P

physically and will go too far. Nada would most likely send him to us with a

severe " here! you deal with him! " attitude- sadly, she has that now.(That's how

she grew up) I feel it will only get worse. Hopefully, we are able to remove him

before things get really bad. We are trying to make sure that he has a stable

enough base in good morals and the ability to choose wisely, so that when he

gets dumped by his nada, he won't have to

start at the beginning when he is here with us. It is a good thing that we have

weekends with him- he goes to church, he spends his free time with loving

family, and gets to do much more than his nada would do with him if things were

reversed.

Anywho, thank you again for your concern for me. I'm not sure what to do about

some things, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

~Adria

smhtrain2 wrote: