Re: Threats

[Guest guest]

Well i will tell you what I tell my daugthers....never ever ignore that gut

instinct. Sometimes just talking about it will settle that feeling. The

ocean seperation is very good insulation...so your partner will most likely

be ok...but I have learned not to ignore those kinds of comments.

I honestly think threats like those are pretty normal for nada's....it gives

them some validation when trying to scare you into doing what they want. At

least for me, my nada has always made those very same comments.....so loves

to take credit for stuff like that....it makes her look and feel much more

powerful than she really is. Power is a really big thing for manipulation

to work.

Last year we had an incident with my mother-in-law. Both my daughter and I

are very, very, very allergic to mushrooms. I've stopped breathing within

SECONDS of walking into a local deli that just received a fresh delivery.

Well last December my mother-in-law hosted a birthday party for my husband..

..well i had decided as soon as i heard about it that i wasn't going. My

husband decided it best not to tell her until he arrived that I would not be

joining them....because she would have literally harrased him about it every

second using every trick in the book to MAKE me come to this party. In

order to prohibit her from sending her flying monkeys to my house to pick me

up...(She has done that before.....i was home with the flu and she sent her

brother to my house to physically force me back to her house.) my younger

daughter and I went to the movies. As we were driving home, we got a call

from my husband to meet him at the hospital....they had to call an ambulance

for my daughter.....she had an allergic reaction and stopped breathing while

at his mother's....luckily, my epi-pen was in the car....otherwise she would

have died! My daughter was in ICU for 4 days. Come to find out, my

mother-in-law fixed lasagna for dinner....with MUSHROOM sauce! (Now keep in

mind....she knows about these allergies and thought I would be attending as

well!) When the doctor came in the room to tell us what had happened my

mother-in-law stood there with this smirk on her face and smugly said " oh

well....i must have forgotten...i don't see you as often as I would like...

these are the things that happen to people who cross me " ....then she looked

at my husband and said " besides, i didn't know what else to get you for your

birthday " Now she even said this standing over my daughter's hospital

bed!! My husband looked down and said " that's ok " ....i shouted... " no! it's

not ok! She darned near killed our oldest daugther and her intention was to

kill me!...that's freaking attempted murder....so it's anything but ok! "

Amazing that it took 10 more months of therepy to convince my husband that

his mother isn't a saint...but eventually he saw the writing on the wall.

We are spending our first Christmas NC from them and our goal is to be

spending our next Christmas NC from my nutso family. How sad is that? When

your new year's resolution is to rid your nada and fada from your life...

forever!

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

-- Threats

Has anyone else's BPD mom ever made threats about their partners' safety?

I've been NC with my nada for about 3 months now as I started thinking

I didn't actually deserve her unpleasant behaviour towards me (took me

20 years to figure that one out) and am suddenly getting very anxious

when my boyfriend goes out alone - I keep having thoughts that

something bad may happen to him (actually feel nervous actually

putting it in words). Whenever someone would cross my nada - she

would say " they'll pay for that somehow " . When my aunt (her sister)

lost her husband while driving (he had a sudden heart attack) - she

said " that's what happens when people go against me " . I guess that's

just probably another way she had of trying to control me.

I know I'm being silly but can't help feeling worried about my

partner's safety. It's not even like she lives close to us - there's

an ocean separating us (thank goodness!)

[Guest guest]

I've been scared of what my Fada would do to my mother & grandmother

(mom's mom) ever since I can remember. My Fada had made many threats

on my grandmother's life over the years, if my mom left him how he'd

go kill Grandmom. Of course he's never gone through with it, and he's

actually been over to Grandmom's house to help fix things on numerous

occasions. (I'm still not sure how that works in his head, from " I'll

kill her " to " I'll build her a front-porch " ) I don't trust him as far

as I could throw him (he's a fat old man, I couldn't throw him far),

but I'm not sure how far he'd actually go to hurt someone. I've seen

him break things, and yell at people, and hold a knife & make threats,

but I don't think I've ever known him to follow through with any of it.

But I'm still afraid, for my Mother's life. Part of me wonders if

she's waiting to leave him until after Grandmom dies, so he can't hold

that over her head, but I'd still be frightened for her life.

>

> Has anyone else's BPD mom ever made threats about their partners'

safety?

>

> I've been NC with my nada for about 3 months now as I started thinking

> I didn't actually deserve her unpleasant behaviour towards me (took me

> 20 years to figure that one out) and am suddenly getting very anxious

> when my boyfriend goes out alone - I keep having thoughts that

> something bad may happen to him (actually feel nervous actually

> putting it in words). Whenever someone would cross my nada - she

> would say " they'll pay for that somehow " . When my aunt (her sister)

> lost her husband while driving (he had a sudden heart attack) - she

> said " that's what happens when people go against me " . I guess that's

> just probably another way she had of trying to control me.

>

> I know I'm being silly but can't help feeling worried about my

> partner's safety. It's not even like she lives close to us - there's

> an ocean separating us (thank goodness!)

>

[Guest guest]

Why do you know you are being silly? Is this to disuade any attack

from someone telling you you are being silly? You have a valid

concern!! You have a mentally unstable person, who makes threats, who

knows you intimately and may be pissed at you.

My DH, a martial artist, and I have had conversations on fear. The

end of the conversations always come down to think it out and address

the fears. Come up with what the worse things that could happen and

think out plans to handle them. My DH says, fear is an import cabinet

member on your team of emotions. You want to hear him out, but you

don't want to let him take over the floor either.

Surrounding you in a white light of safety.

a

[Guest guest]

I agree, my Nada has always had magical thinking, and the limited

reasoning and experience I had as a child led to such a sense of

powerlessness. Every problem was my fault simply because I was

inherently " bad " , and if I crossed to her I paid-sooner or later. She

did the Honor thy father and mother routine, and believed God

supported her punishing me, because going against her meant going

against the word of God. Then when bad things did happen- by her hand

I discovered years later- it was proof to me that she was right. I was

evil and God was punishing me. I believed this until I was about 15

and escaped.

I thought I had moved past it, until my son was born. I thought I

was going crazy because I worried constantly about waking up one

morning and finding him dead in his crib. In therapy, I've come to

realize that it was due to the " waiting for the other shoe to drop "

effect. Growing up I was always waiting for next accusation,the next

unforgivible thing I did, the next rage, and the inevitable punishment

for crossing her. The better things were going in my life, the greater

the pain when I lost everything( one of her main triggers is that she

can't stand for me to have attention or success of any kind-which

brings attention). If I loved something or made a major accomplishment

she managed to make it disappear. She was particularly talented at

driving people out of my life and then blaming it on the fact that no

one would want me once they knew the " real " me. The anticipation of

loss was unbearable and it was almost a relief when it happened-

because was never a matter of if, but when. I had avoided caring about

anyone or thing too much before my son came, so it came as a shock

when I realised just how ingrained the fear of losing someone was,

even after so much time had past.

I wonder if it isn't common for KO's to have anxiety about bad things

happening to those we care about, because we were always waiting for

bad things to happen as kids, and because of the unpredictable nature

of BP's. I know I always feel the most uncomfortable when things are

going well. That's when I am the most hypervigilent. I realise that

some of us have nada and fada's that wouldn't stop at threats of

violence, but although my nada has never been violent towards anyone,

I have learned to never underestimate her.

Ariel

>

> Valuklon,

>

> I have never had any threats to my partner's safety,

> however, I did have the magical thinking imposed on me

> by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent out a

> blanket email about how she was so powerful that b/c

> it was her first radiation treatment, she broke the

> machine. Now imagine a child hearing this, who can't

> reason like an adult. And the really sick thing is

> that the adult BP really believes that they are that

> powerful. SICK.

>

> Greg.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing this. It never stops amazing me how similiar

our experiences can be. You truly described my nada. This seems to be

exactly what I am struggling with right now, the ability to live in

the moment and not feel every experience tinged with anxiety, or

guilt, or shame. I also never underestimate nada and her ability to

hurt. One of the few time she spoke to my MIL she told her I had a

mean streak and I think intuitively, I knew as a small child not to

ever cross her.

Even as a supposed adult I am still fearful of her

taking away my peaceful life. She has never shared my success, felt

truly happy for me. She treats the important people in my life as

disposable and with little respect. After my MIL died (she was only

47 years old and an amazing, loving person who taught me how to cook,

budget, what a loving family feels like) we found a

letter nada wrote her that was horrible, telling my MIL that she

brainwashed me, poisoned the well, that if they knew the " real " me

that they would be much more sympathetic towards poor, piteous nada.

For a long time I was afraid my

DH would believe nada and discover the real me. I think it took about

six years to for it to really sink in that he loves me. When I went

nc with nada back in August I started having dreams at night where I

would lose him in train stations, unfamiliar,scary places, abandoned

buildings. At times he

feels like the life preserver that I cling to through all of this.

The times when I feel most secure, happy are the times where I am

also watching my back, waiting for the next crisis, drama, smear

campaign to begin. The " waiting for the other shoe to drop effect " is

something I struggle constantly, the whole reactive non-bp role.

I too struggle with the real me, one who isn't defined by distortion

by nada and the thoughts that take place in my mind. Sometimes I am

my own worst enemy and can

never escape the negative thinking that I will never be able to do

enough, be enough. What worked for me once, seems to be sabotaging my

happiness in the present and future. In certain situations,

especially those that are unfamiliar, I am so hypervigilant that I

can make myself physically ill, become so tense I end up with a

migrane, throwing up.

I don't feel like I can offer any wisdom to anyone, only that reading

your post and finding so much similiarity gives me a lot of insight

into all of this and how I am struggling to detangle myself

emotionally from nada and to finally have a sense of self. I think I

am trying to find my way as a grownup. What worked for once, seems to

be sabatoging my happiness in the present and future. I really have

to work on myself and nada will just have to deal with my boundaries.

The emotions are the hardiest, they make me feel so vulnerable. Wow,

this is a lot longer than I planned! Really good topic. Thanks for

posting. I am trying to shake that ingrained belief, the magical

thinking, and the powerlessness I feel in this relationship with nada.

> >

> > Valuklon,

> >

> > I have never had any threats to my partner's safety,

> > however, I did have the magical thinking imposed on me

> > by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent out a

> > blanket email about how she was so powerful that b/c

> > it was her first radiation treatment, she broke the

> > machine. Now imagine a child hearing this, who can't

> > reason like an adult. And the really sick thing is

> > that the adult BP really believes that they are that

> > powerful. SICK.

> >

> > Greg.

>

[Guest guest]

- Every word you wrote describes my life, feelings, dilemas. We are

truely kindred spirits set adrift on a sea and searching desperatly

for a safe haven. Thank you for sharing your story. Knowing there

are others who have been through what I have brings me comfort and

peace.

Ariel

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " lune82575 "

wrote:

>

> Thank you for sharing this. It never stops amazing me how similiar

> our experiences can be. You truly described my nada. This seems to

be

> exactly what I am struggling with right now, the ability to live

in

> the moment and not feel every experience tinged with anxiety, or

> guilt, or shame. I also never underestimate nada and her ability

to

> hurt. One of the few time she spoke to my MIL she told her I had a

> mean streak and I think intuitively, I knew as a small child not

to

> ever cross her.

> Even as a supposed adult I am still fearful of her

> taking away my peaceful life. She has never shared my success,

felt

> truly happy for me. She treats the important people in my life as

> disposable and with little respect. After my MIL died (she was

only

> 47 years old and an amazing, loving person who taught me how to

cook,

> budget, what a loving family feels like) we found a

> letter nada wrote her that was horrible, telling my MIL that she

> brainwashed me, poisoned the well, that if they knew the " real " me

> that they would be much more sympathetic towards poor, piteous

nada.

> For a long time I was afraid my

> DH would believe nada and discover the real me. I think it took

about

> six years to for it to really sink in that he loves me. When I

went

> nc with nada back in August I started having dreams at night where

I

> would lose him in train stations, unfamiliar,scary places,

abandoned

> buildings. At times he

> feels like the life preserver that I cling to through all of this.

>

> The times when I feel most secure, happy are the times where I am

> also watching my back, waiting for the next crisis, drama, smear

> campaign to begin. The " waiting for the other shoe to drop effect "

is

> something I struggle constantly, the whole reactive non-bp role.

> I too struggle with the real me, one who isn't defined by

distortion

> by nada and the thoughts that take place in my mind. Sometimes I

am

> my own worst enemy and can

> never escape the negative thinking that I will never be able to do

> enough, be enough. What worked for me once, seems to be sabotaging

my

> happiness in the present and future. In certain situations,

> especially those that are unfamiliar, I am so hypervigilant that I

> can make myself physically ill, become so tense I end up with a

> migrane, throwing up.

>

> I don't feel like I can offer any wisdom to anyone, only that

reading

> your post and finding so much similiarity gives me a lot of

insight

> into all of this and how I am struggling to detangle myself

> emotionally from nada and to finally have a sense of self. I think

I

> am trying to find my way as a grownup. What worked for once, seems

to

> be sabatoging my happiness in the present and future. I really

have

> to work on myself and nada will just have to deal with my

boundaries.

> The emotions are the hardiest, they make me feel so vulnerable.

Wow,

> this is a lot longer than I planned! Really good topic. Thanks for

> posting. I am trying to shake that ingrained belief, the magical

> thinking, and the powerlessness I feel in this relationship with

nada.

>

>

> > >

> > > Valuklon,

> > >

> > > I have never had any threats to my partner's safety,

> > > however, I did have the magical thinking imposed on me

> > > by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent out a

> > > blanket email about how she was so powerful that b/c

> > > it was her first radiation treatment, she broke the

> > > machine. Now imagine a child hearing this, who can't

> > > reason like an adult. And the really sick thing is

> > > that the adult BP really believes that they are that

> > > powerful. SICK.

> > >

> > > Greg.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ariel wrote: " ...one of her main triggers is that

she can't stand for me to have attention or success of any kind-which

brings attention). If I loved something or made a major

accomplishment she managed to make it disappear. "

Oh, how I can relate to that. The memories flood back -- my college

graduation, she left town to be at the hospital while her father had

open heart surgery (granted, a serious thing, but she could have

waited until the next morning after graduation -- I remember

thinking that at the time)

My first baby shower -- all my friends came a great distance to

celebrate the occasion. After the party, she sat and one-by-one cut

down each of my friends and told me what she didn't like about each

one.

We bought a lovely lakehouse almost a year ago. She's been invited

to see it -- she won't come, always finds excuses. A dear friend

pointed out that she's doing that because it shows a measure of our

success, and she can't be gracious in someone else's good fortune.

I couldn't announce my engagement to my wonderful fiance. (my now-

husband of 20 years!!). Wasn't allowed to. It would upset nada.

In a normal family, he would have been a great catch. But we were

told to keep it to ourselves by fada -- a sense of shame enveloped

us.

I could go on and on......Makes me angry to think of the countless

examples.

> >

> > Valuklon,

> >

> > I have never had any threats to my partner's safety,

> > however, I did have the magical thinking imposed on me

> > by my nada. She still uses it today. She sent out a

> > blanket email about how she was so powerful that b/c

> > it was her first radiation treatment, she broke the

> > machine. Now imagine a child hearing this, who can't

> > reason like an adult. And the really sick thing is

> > that the adult BP really believes that they are that

> > powerful. SICK.

> >

> > Greg.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Bunny. It's true - it makes her feel more powerful. But

that's terrible what your MIL did - incredibly sick! It's sad about

the New Year resolutions - but I guess we've got to keep ourselves safe.

>

> Well i will tell you what I tell my daugthers....never ever ignore

that gut

> instinct. Sometimes just talking about it will settle that feeling.

The

> ocean seperation is very good insulation...so your partner will

most likely

> be ok...but I have learned not to ignore those kinds of comments.

>

> I honestly think threats like those are pretty normal for

nada's....it gives

> them some validation when trying to scare you into doing what they

want. At

> least for me, my nada has always made those very same

comments.....so loves

> to take credit for stuff like that....it makes her look and feel

much more

> powerful than she really is. Power is a really big thing for

manipulation

> to work.

>

> Last year we had an incident with my mother-in-law. Both my

daughter and I

> are very, very, very allergic to mushrooms. I've stopped breathing

within

> SECONDS of walking into a local deli that just received a fresh

delivery.

> Well last December my mother-in-law hosted a birthday party for my

husband..

> .well i had decided as soon as i heard about it that i wasn't going. My

> husband decided it best not to tell her until he arrived that I

would not be

> joining them....because she would have literally harrased him about

it every

> second using every trick in the book to MAKE me come to this party. In

> order to prohibit her from sending her flying monkeys to my house to

pick me

> up...(She has done that before.....i was home with the flu and she

sent her

> brother to my house to physically force me back to her house.) my

younger

> daughter and I went to the movies. As we were driving home, we got

a call

> from my husband to meet him at the hospital....they had to call an

ambulance

> for my daughter.....she had an allergic reaction and stopped

breathing while

> at his mother's....luckily, my epi-pen was in the car....otherwise

she would

> have died! My daughter was in ICU for 4 days. Come to find out, my

> mother-in-law fixed lasagna for dinner....with MUSHROOM sauce! (Now

keep in

> mind....she knows about these allergies and thought I would be

attending as

> well!) When the doctor came in the room to tell us what had happened my

> mother-in-law stood there with this smirk on her face and smugly

said " oh

> well....i must have forgotten...i don't see you as often as I would

like...

> these are the things that happen to people who cross me " ....then she

looked

> at my husband and said " besides, i didn't know what else to get you

for your

> birthday " Now she even said this standing over my daughter's hospital

> bed!! My husband looked down and said " that's ok " ....i

shouted... " no! it's

> not ok! She darned near killed our oldest daugther and her

intention was to

> kill me!...that's freaking attempted murder....so it's anything but

ok! "

> Amazing that it took 10 more months of therepy to convince my

husband that

> his mother isn't a saint...but eventually he saw the writing on the

wall.

> We are spending our first Christmas NC from them and our goal is to be

> spending our next Christmas NC from my nutso family. How sad is

that? When

> your new year's resolution is to rid your nada and fada from your

life...

> forever!

>

>

> Kisses and Nibbles,

> Bunny

>

>

> -- Threats

>

> Has anyone else's BPD mom ever made threats about their partners'

safety?

>

> I've been NC with my nada for about 3 months now as I started thinking

> I didn't actually deserve her unpleasant behaviour towards me (took me

> 20 years to figure that one out) and am suddenly getting very anxious

> when my boyfriend goes out alone - I keep having thoughts that

> something bad may happen to him (actually feel nervous actually

> putting it in words). Whenever someone would cross my nada - she

> would say " they'll pay for that somehow " . When my aunt (her sister)

> lost her husband while driving (he had a sudden heart attack) - she

> said " that's what happens when people go against me " . I guess that's

> just probably another way she had of trying to control me.

>

> I know I'm being silly but can't help feeling worried about my

> partner's safety. It's not even like she lives close to us - there's

> an ocean separating us (thank goodness!)

>

>

>

>

>

>