Really In Oz...

[Guest guest]

Oh My Dear Lord, I need to spill:

I am trying to figure this all out and get through it

as fast as I can heal as it is really painful.

Thanksgiving was really wonderful and I felt great

cooking myself the Thanksgiving meal. Yet, you guys,

somewhere between then and my brother's birthday on

Dec. 2nd, the blues really started turning me purple.

I have never experienced this type of fall in the hole

of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt so fast EVER. After my

brother's birthday passed (and I went no contact

with my nada on August 3rd)- I'm the one who calls my

brother and leaves 8 messages over a month and a half

period and then they might pick up the phone or not.

So I flew out and saw him back in June and drove down

there in September, with my brother promising he would

call me next - our relationship is on it. So NOTHING.

It didn't surprise me, but I am sure as hell feeling

all the feelings as if I was a child. The feelings

are dispraportionately huge and are larger than the

thought(s) that are creating them. This is really

hard to deal with. My mother keeps making up email

addresses so she can send emails, which Outlook and

Entourage automatically previews. And then on Tuesday

the 12th, it was my 39th birthday. I AM SO ANGRY THAT

I AM NOT WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE. I bought into

their lines of BS and if I helped them they would help

me. NOT! So live and learn. And an even bigger one

is THE THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE TAUGHT BY THEIR

PARENTS AND I'VE GOT NO CLUE AS TO WHAT TO DO, AND

RIGHT NOW, NO SELF CONFIDENCE TO DO ANYTHING. I go

inside and I see Little Greg and he is just kicking

and screaming. The child part of me didn't know that

it was going to hurt this badly going n/c, but I am

sticking with it. I am his parent now. My

hypervigilence is turned up so high that i can't

concentrate very well. My psychiatrist said that it

is understandible that I would be feeling this way

with the six areas of betrayal that occured since

Thanksgiving. He wants me to feel these feelings of

betrayal and work through them. I am. He also said

that it is only going to get worse with society

pressing me to be with family due to Christmas, and

this being the first year of n/c with my mother. On

my birthday, she used another person's cell phone and

sang happy birthday to me and then there was this

really long pause and she said that she had her last

radiation treatment and then started crying and hung

up, leaving me hanging as to did it clear out the

cancer or not? She is really getting desperate b/c

the amount of sneaky contacts has increased to almost

daily now, and I just pray that she would leave me

alone. It does no good to respond back, but nada's

sure do know what buttons to push, especially when you

are down. The only way I can see reinforcing n/c with

her is to not contact her, despite her breaking this

boundary with ever increasing frequency.

Yet, I will say that with each day, there is a little

bit of improvement. It is really small but it is

improvement. I feel like I am deconstructing myself

to get at my real self, if that makes any sense. And

it is terrifying b/c it is just me. Although I always

believe God is with me always. yet, I wish that my

brother would snap out of it, but this may be me

seeing him for the first time for real and accepting

it.

I want so much to call my mom back and say Hi how are

you doing? How are you feeling after the surgery and

radiation? I wish you well. Merry Christmas. I love

you. (here's the tears - BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE IS

INSANE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE IS

INSANE!!!!!!!! SO I LOOK LIKE A BASTARD OF A SON. and

with all this contact from her, i'm beginning to

wonder if i am insane for going n/c!? That scares me.

I couldn't sleep last night and I just kept on praying

and visualizing being wrapped up in God's white light.

Thanks for listening.

All my best,

Greg.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi Greg,

First of all, Happy Birthday! Second, thank you so much for your post a few

days ago. I am still amazed at the amount of support I've received.

I think one of the most difficult parts of all of this for me is the guilt at

being a " bad daughter " for setting boundaries, and my nada is not physically ill

and I'm not N/C. So I can only begin to imagine how much guilt you are feeling

over all of this. You shouldn't have to feel any of it of course, and you are

not a bad son for setting boundaries, or even for going N/C. You have every

right to make decisions to keep yourself healthy.

I wonder if it would help to get some space from all of the contact attempts.

Possibly turn off your phone for a few days, and don't check your e-mail,

mailbox, etc. Maybe even get out of town for a couple of days. Not having

constant reminders of your nada may help you to get some space from your

feelings. Sometimes it works for me just to take a total break from mine, even

if I have to go to great lengths to do it. Mine will usually call repeatedly

too, which is tough. She'll also call my finance and e-mail him with guilty

messages saying please call her so she knows I'm not dead.

I know it's frustrating to not be as far along as you would like. I feel that

too sometimes, and think things like, " could I just get over this and get on

with my life!? " I think it's just going to take a long time. Someone told me

once that having unresolved trauma is like having an infected wound. As you

begin to heal, it's like you are cleaning out the wound. It's extremely painful

but has to be done or else the wound continues to be infected. As you continue

to clean out the wound, it begins to form a scar. Eventually, the wound heals.

You always have a scar there and occasionally you will see it and be reminded.

It will never go away but it doesn't hurt as much anymore, only an occasional

twinge of pain when you remember what it was like.

Keep cleaning, it'll heal eventually,

Bec

G wrote:

Oh My Dear Lord, I need to spill:

I am trying to figure this all out and get through it

as fast as I can heal as it is really painful.

Thanksgiving was really wonderful and I felt great

cooking myself the Thanksgiving meal. Yet, you guys,

somewhere between then and my brother's birthday on

Dec. 2nd, the blues really started turning me purple.

I have never experienced this type of fall in the hole

of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt so fast EVER. After my

brother's birthday passed (and I went no contact

with my nada on August 3rd)- I'm the one who calls my

brother and leaves 8 messages over a month and a half

period and then they might pick up the phone or not.

So I flew out and saw him back in June and drove down

there in September, with my brother promising he would

call me next - our relationship is on it. So NOTHING.

It didn't surprise me, but I am sure as hell feeling

all the feelings as if I was a child. The feelings

are dispraportionately huge and are larger than the

thought(s) that are creating them. This is really

hard to deal with. My mother keeps making up email

addresses so she can send emails, which Outlook and

Entourage automatically previews. And then on Tuesday

the 12th, it was my 39th birthday. I AM SO ANGRY THAT

I AM NOT WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE. I bought into

their lines of BS and if I helped them they would help

me. NOT! So live and learn. And an even bigger one

is THE THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE TAUGHT BY THEIR

PARENTS AND I'VE GOT NO CLUE AS TO WHAT TO DO, AND

RIGHT NOW, NO SELF CONFIDENCE TO DO ANYTHING. I go

inside and I see Little Greg and he is just kicking

and screaming. The child part of me didn't know that

it was going to hurt this badly going n/c, but I am

sticking with it. I am his parent now. My

hypervigilence is turned up so high that i can't

concentrate very well. My psychiatrist said that it

is understandible that I would be feeling this way

with the six areas of betrayal that occured since

Thanksgiving. He wants me to feel these feelings of

betrayal and work through them. I am. He also said

that it is only going to get worse with society

pressing me to be with family due to Christmas, and

this being the first year of n/c with my mother. On

my birthday, she used another person's cell phone and

sang happy birthday to me and then there was this

really long pause and she said that she had her last

radiation treatment and then started crying and hung

up, leaving me hanging as to did it clear out the

cancer or not? She is really getting desperate b/c

the amount of sneaky contacts has increased to almost

daily now, and I just pray that she would leave me

alone. It does no good to respond back, but nada's

sure do know what buttons to push, especially when you

are down. The only way I can see reinforcing n/c with

her is to not contact her, despite her breaking this

boundary with ever increasing frequency.

Yet, I will say that with each day, there is a little

bit of improvement. It is really small but it is

improvement. I feel like I am deconstructing myself

to get at my real self, if that makes any sense. And

it is terrifying b/c it is just me. Although I always

believe God is with me always. yet, I wish that my

brother would snap out of it, but this may be me

seeing him for the first time for real and accepting

it.

I want so much to call my mom back and say Hi how are

you doing? How are you feeling after the surgery and

radiation? I wish you well. Merry Christmas. I love

you. (here's the tears - BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE IS

INSANE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE IS

INSANE!!!!!!!! SO I LOOK LIKE A BASTARD OF A SON. and

with all this contact from her, i'm beginning to

wonder if i am insane for going n/c!? That scares me.

I couldn't sleep last night and I just kept on praying

and visualizing being wrapped up in God's white light.

Thanks for listening.

All my best,

Greg.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Greg,

I am sorry that you are feeling so down! My nada calls and cries to my

voicemail too. She had thyroid cancer almost two years ago. As far as I know,

it's cleared, but she still uses it to find a sympathetic ear from whoever will

lend one. I absolutely hate it to hear her cry. I don't know if she knows that,

but man does she do it a lot!! She sounds so pathetic and I feel like such a

jerk- even now that I can recognize it, it still gets me. I know you will feel

better soon- just hang in there. We are here for you!

Fresabird,

I really like this idea! Who says I can't buy the stuff I missed out on for

myself? I have kids, but I also have my own little Adria who still longs to have

toys for herself.

~Adria

fresabird@... wrote:

Hey Greg,

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I remember the first year after NC

and the holidays were definitely the hardest. And my nada disowned me

so I wasn't dealing with all those calls. I know for me I really did

have to feel all those feelings and just kind of " be " with them until I

could pass through them. I thought I'd offer up a few random

suggestions of things that have helped me and/or that I thought of when

reading your message.

1. Can you change your phone number? Or get a new one that you give

to people you want to talk to and leave the old one going straight to

messages and have someone else check them? It might help not to have

her voice invading your space like that. Same with the email? I'm so

glad e-mail wasn't around when I went NC! I'm so sorry she is

continuing to contact you. I know it is normal to wonder sometimes if

we are the " crazy " ones, but her behavior is showing you that you are

not. A loving caring parent would not be harassing their child. They

would maybe send a thoughtful letter or two asking how they could help

and letting their child know that they were there for them when they

were ready to talk. They wouldn't behave like a toddler having a

temper tantrum when they throw a toy down, stomp on it, toss it out the

window and then want it to magically come back completely clean and

unaffected so they can do the same thing again.

2. I think I wrote about throwing ice here before, but I thought I

would mention it again. It really is therapeutic. Have you asked

Little Greg what might help? Block towers to knock down with a crash?

One of those blow-up punching bags that pop back up? (Target has them),

a hotwheels track that crashes the cars? bubble wrap to stomp on? one

of those balloons with a strap that you can hit over and over? For me

finding something that helped me physically get the anger out in a

childlike way was very helpful.

3. What do you need for comfort? My dh got me a special stuffed

animal that I slept with for years. It is now my children's favorite

when they are sick. Or a soft blanket to curl up in? What can you use

for comfort when the rage is gone and you just need to grieve? We had

a heated waterbed where I could curl up with a favorite blanket. I

would go there to cry.

4. Do you enjoy any type of art? What have you always wanted to try

but didn't? For me the messier the better. I used those chalk like

pastels to draw on a big spiral bound pad with my non-dominant hand. I

never knew what would end up on the page. I used clay to build small

sculptures and mud pies. Did you ever use one of those twirly things

that you drop paint onto to make a splatter painting? I had one as a

kid and just saw one in 's the other day. I'm still thinking

about getting it just for me. Find something creative you can do and

just let your mind go free and let your inner child free to explore.

Collages with torn or clipped pics from magazines are also fun. Or

even collages with torn bits of different colors. There is a

children's book that all the art work is done with ripped up bits of

paper glued into the shapes of animals and then photographed. I've

been collecting paper to try that sometime soon.

5. Is there something you always wanted for Christmas and never got?

Can you get it for yourself? We recently bought our children their

first " real " bicycles with training wheels, bells and baskets on the

handle bars. One of the things my nada used to torture me was the fact

that I wanted a bicycle so badly. She would never get it, but would

get them for my siblings. I saved and saved to buy one. She borrowed

the money (this was pre-ATM) then denied it and I was left with no

money or bike. As we were getting the bikes adjusted for my kids I

realized that I no longer owned one for me. I gave away my bike from

college a few years ago. So I bought a bike for me and in a stroke of

serendipity it already had one of those little bells you ring with your

thumb right on the handlebars. Is there something like that you missed

as a child? If so how can you fulfill Little Greg's wish now? I have

a friend who isn't even a KO, but always wanted an Easy Bake Oven. Her

oldest is in preschool, and she decided she didn't want to wait to get

one for her child so she bought one for herself for Christmas. She is

absolutely glowing. My guess is we all have something we wanted and

didn't get. The beauty of being an adult and parenting yourself - you

get to go back and correct stuff like that.

6. What about kid movies you used to love? I own the old WIlly Wonka

and the Chocolate Factory, the old Parent Trap with Haley Mills, all

those old Christmas movies like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa

Claus is Coming to Town and Frosty the Snowman, and a few others that I

get out from time to time. And someone gave my kids a whole box of old

Disney movies on DVD. Pan, Dumbo, Bambi. Or what about The

Shaggy Dog (the old one), Escape to Witch Mountain, Herbie, Benjie, all

those old Disney movies with Jodie , Smokey and the Bandit? Or

musicals - Grease, The Sound of Music etc. Whatever you think would

make you smile. Rent or buy them and watch them with some good movie

treats like Milk Duds, popcorn, Jr. Mints or D.O.T.S.

Going NC is very disorienting, and the first set of holidays is the

hardest, at least it was for me. It got better slowly but surely every

years since. And this year I have the privilege of enjoying it with my

children, including a 4 year old who is a true Santa believer. We saw

Santa and he gave each child a toy. He would ask their age and what

they wanted. Then he would say " We'll have to see what happens on

Christmas morning, but I have something for you today.... " or " I

couldn't fit big gifts on my sleigh today, but I brought you ..... " and

his helpers would hand him an age appropriate gift. But every so

often a child would ask for something he had right there. Mine asked

for a teddy bear and Santa said " I knew you wanted one so I brought it

today so you can sleep with it on Christmas Eve " and reached behind him

and pulled out a teddy bear. The wonder in my child's eyes is

something I will never forget. We can never get those moments back

from our own childhood. We will never be that innocent child full of

wonder again. But we can give ourselves back some of what was taken

from us by being the parent we never had and letting our inner child

laugh and cry and rage and play and create freely now that they are

safe in our own arms. We have the power within us to help them heal.

We just have to figure out how to harness it.

Fresabird

PS. If you are online looking for something for your inner child I

found a couple of catalogs I just love. backtobasicstoys.com has great

building stuff, music stuff and several toys that are just like when I

was a child. mindwareonline.com is more for elementary and up. Lots

of games, puzzles, brain teasers etc. I keep the catalogs under my

desk because they are so much fun just to browse through.

> Oh My Dear Lord, I need to spill:

>

> I am trying to figure this all out and get through it

> as fast as I can heal as it is really painful.

> Thanksgiving was really wonderful and I felt great

> cooking myself the Thanksgiving meal. Yet, you guys,

> somewhere between then and my brother's birthday on

> Dec. 2nd, the blues really started turning me purple.

> I have never experienced this type of fall in the hole

> of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt so fast EVER. After my

> brother's birthday passed (and I went no contact

> with my nada on August 3rd)- I'm the one who calls my

> brother and leaves 8 messages over a month and a half

> period and then they might pick up the phone or not.

> So I flew out and saw him back in June and drove down

> there in September, with my brother promising he would

> call me next - our relationship is on it. So NOTHING.

> It didn't surprise me, but I am sure as hell feeling

> all the feelings as if I was a child. The feelings

> are dispraportionately huge and are larger than the

> thought(s) that are creating them. This is really

> hard to deal with. My mother keeps making up email

> addresses so she can send emails, which Outlook and

> Entourage automatically previews. And then on Tuesday

> the 12th, it was my 39th birthday. I AM SO ANGRY THAT

> I AM NOT WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE. I bought into

> their lines of BS and if I helped them they would help

> me. NOT! So live and learn. And an even bigger one

> is THE THINGS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE TAUGHT BY THEIR

> PARENTS AND I'VE GOT NO CLUE AS TO WHAT TO DO, AND

> RIGHT NOW, NO SELF CONFIDENCE TO DO ANYTHING. I go

> inside and I see Little Greg and he is just kicking

> and screaming. The child part of me didn't know that

> it was going to hurt this badly going n/c, but I am

> sticking with it. I am his parent now. My

> hypervigilence is turned up so high that i can't

> concentrate very well. My psychiatrist said that it

> is understandible that I would be feeling this way

> with the six areas of betrayal that occured since

> Thanksgiving. He wants me to feel these feelings of

> betrayal and work through them. I am. He also said

> that it is only going to get worse with society

> pressing me to be with family due to Christmas, and

> this being the first year of n/c with my mother. On

> my birthday, she used another person's cell phone and

> sang happy birthday to me and then there was this

> really long pause and she said that she had her last

> radiation treatment and then started crying and hung

> up, leaving me hanging as to did it clear out the

> cancer or not? She is really getting desperate b/c

> the amount of sneaky contacts has increased to almost

> daily now, and I just pray that she would leave me

> alone. It does no good to respond back, but nada's

> sure do know what buttons to push, especially when you

> are down. The only way I can see reinforcing n/c with

> her is to not contact her, despite her breaking this

> boundary with ever increasing frequency.

>

> Yet, I will say that with each day, there is a little

> bit of improvement. It is really small but it is

> improvement. I feel like I am deconstructing myself

> to get at my real self, if that makes any sense. And

> it is terrifying b/c it is just me. Although I always

> believe God is with me always. yet, I wish that my

> brother would snap out of it, but this may be me

> seeing him for the first time for real and accepting

> it.

>

> I want so much to call my mom back and say Hi how are

> you doing? How are you feeling after the surgery and

> radiation? I wish you well. Merry Christmas. I love

> you. (here's the tears - BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE IS

> INSANE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE IS

> INSANE!!!!!!!! SO I LOOK LIKE A BASTARD OF A SON. and

> with all this contact from her, i'm beginning to

> wonder if i am insane for going n/c!? That scares me.

>

> I couldn't sleep last night and I just kept on praying

> and visualizing being wrapped up in God's white light.

>

>

> Thanks for listening.

> All my best,

>

> Greg.

>

> __________________________________________________

>