pics

[Guest guest]

Hi

I could put up a picture of " Brain " of Pinky and the Brain.

I'll upload a picture I did of my brain in a minute to this board.

I don't like my skin, big time. You won't see close up pictures of me

anywhere. They will be blurry.

I put a picture of me as a 6 year old on the Aspie hangout. People

asked me if it was my daughter.

I don't like to look at myself up close, but sometimes I think I look

nice from a distance...sometimes.

I hope you don't feel exposed by my hinting for a picture.

No one should feel pressured. I know my boss never would and another

young man who really just wants to pass for normal out there, but

enjoys his autism on the boards.

I'm glad it doesn't bother you to do things like speak on panels or

write. That is what is important.

Camille

>

> > Camille - really wants 's autograph or even his picture for the

> > A2P2 page :-)

>

> I was wondering when you would say something regarding my silence on

the

> matter. Ready to delve into one of my bigger neuroses?

>

> I am not happy about my appearance, and I would rather be judged by my

> words than by my appearance. It's more than that, though. I do not

> know if I can find the words to do the concept justice, but I will

try.

> I see " me " as my brain. My words are the closest approximation of " me "

> that it is possible to convey to another person. The body is just a

> carrying case and a support system for the brain. As such, a photo of

> " me " is a poorer approximation of " me " than my words. It would be just

> a picture of clumps of cells that form something similar to a face.

>

> I know people have told me that I am not physically ugly, but I can

look

> in a mirror and see that I am, even if others see me differently.

> Jeanette has told me that I should never say I have never been good

> looking, but I have never been good looking to myself. At the time she

> knew me in person, though, I probably was at the peak of my

> appearance... I still look much the same (I have avoided the sun and

> cigarettes and such, so my skin is pretty elastic as far as

32-year-olds

> go), except that I have lost much of my hair. As much as I am about

> wanting to be judged for my words and not for my appearance, there is a

> big part of me that cannot let go of the fact that I have a trait

that I

> see as making me freakishly ugly, and I always saw myself as not good

> looking even when I had all of my hair.

>

> The implications about this are probably different than other males who

> lose their hair. I cannot fully explain this in words, but it makes

> sense, sort of, in my head. I have no inclination to wear a hat or to

> hide my mostly bald head. That would not change anything. It's not

> others looking at me and finding me ugly that bothers me, as it

seems to

> be with most victims of alopecia. Even a toupee that looks 100% real

> and feels totally natural would do nothing for me.

>

> It's not about the way I appear to others. It's the way I perceive

> myself. I hate looking in the mirror, because I am repulsed if I do.

> But I feel no embarrassment in having others look upon me in

person... I

> care so little about my appearance that I often neglect to comb my

> remaining hair or shave, until the hairs on my face are so long that

> they begin to itch (about 1/8 " in length). I really do not care how I

> look in person, to the point that I look pretty slovenly sometimes.

>

> Pictures, though, are something different. They take my appearance and

> make it the focus of attention in a way that does not happen in

person.

> In real life, the appearance is just one of several things; in some

> ways, it is more apparent in real life that my body (including the

> anterior portion of my head) is just a set of tools for my brain to

> use. A picture makes the appearace of the tools primary, and when I

> think of that, I think of how much I dislike that appearance.

>

> I have this annoying idea that if people saw a picture of me, they

would

> no longer take my words seriously. I have no problem appearing in

> person anywhere to deliver my words; when I was a panelist at the

autism

> conference in Phoenix about a year ago, the fact that people would be

> able to see me, and that they would focus their attention upon me while

> it was my turn to speak, did not matter in the least. I was pleased to

> be able to participate. IRL meetings never bother me in that way. I

> never have any self-consciousness or concern about my appearance in

> person. From inside my perspective, I can't see myself, but I know my

> thoughts and can hear my own words. I like me when I can't see an

image

> of my body, so being me in a real-life meeting with others is not a

> problem (aside from the social issues that can make such contact

> annoying and difficult). But a picture has no perspective; when I view

> a picture, it looks the same to me as to others, and I can see my

> image. Not looking at it doesn't work; that would be kind of like

> wearing a hat. It would not change reality, just hide it.

>

> I do not have a problem posting pictures of me that are quite old.

> Pictures like that are just documenting history; I have no problem with

> that. If there were any pictures of me while I was in college, I would

> have no problem posting those, even though I disliked my appearance

then

> too.

>

> I guess that there is something about me that makes me want to remain

> within my own perspective, where I do not have to look at myself. I am

> guessing that the hair loss is just a focus for my dislike of my

> appearance, since I have disliked my appearance since before I began to

> lose my hair.

>

> Anyway, there it is.

>

>