Re: need advice on going nc (i fear reprisals)

[Guest guest]

,

I know exactly how you feel. I can't even list here the vengeful

awful things my nada has done in response to NC (both in the far and

more recent past) so I totally understand your fear.

As far as breaking into your bank account, etc, you can sign up for

a credit watch service for about 80 bucks a year. If any accounts

are opened or closed using your social security number, they email

you right away. I used one of these services one time when I lost

my SS card and my birth certificate together (don't ask, what a

nightmare that was). Anyways they were really good about that.

You also can warn the people at your work and simply tell them the

truth. I had to do that, and although it is not ideal, people

understood. I just told them that my Mom is sick and that she may

call and try to get me in trouble because she is mad since I won't

talk to her. I also told them to not put calls through from her.

They didn't need to know any more than that, and I know in my state

that if my nada had harassed my work she could be arrested. Talk to

your HR about it. And remember it's her behavior, not yours. You

needn't be embarassed about stuff she does, that is on her.

I also had to tell all my friends that if my nada called them to not

answer or listen to her messages. I also apologized ahead of time

for anything rude she may say to them, and I explained that she is

sick and angry at me and may try to hurt me by hurting them. Again

they understand that it is not my fault she's nuts, and they were

very supportive.

One time nada kicked me out and instead of just going to a friends,

i thought ahead of her. I called the cope myself because I KNEW as

soon as her rage wore off, she would report me as a runaway (which

is illegal in my home state) and twist the story so I looked like

the bad kid. It totally worked. I told the cops the truth, and the

police officer said she would call nada and try to work things out.

She was still raging so she acted like her true crazy self! When

the police officer called me back she was like " OMG your mom is

INSANE!!! " Needless to say I did NOT look like the bad kid anymore,

and the state removed me from the home. It was AWESOME. Nada's

little plan backfired. From that point on none of her little stunts

could touch me...sure, it sucked to have her call my dean and my

scholarship committees and send cops to my 200 person physics class

to pull me out in front of EVERYONE, but I was able to control the

damage and in the end she is the one who looked bad, not me. Like

my dean said, " What kind of mother does that to her daughter?? " And

you know what? It was YEARS AND YEARS after all those stunts before

I contacted either of my parents again. I refused to respond to

those stunts!!!

Granted I am NC with her once again now. But you know what? It has

been 2 months and as far as I know there haven't been any stunts.

SO maybe she learned that they wouldn't work. Any damage she does

can be fixed, just deal with it as it comes. Eventually she will

get it that her vengeful actions won't work...it took my nada over

ten years to 'get it' but since this past NC episode I think she

might finally understand how futile her attacks are, since no matter

what she does I do not respond. I liken it to a child's tantrum,

once you stop reacting and giving them the attention they are

seeking, they stop throwing the tantrums.

Don't stay in contact if it makes you unhappy. This is just another

way to keep you under her control! She is using FEAR to make you

stay in contact and that is the worst reason to stay in a

relationship with anyone,if you ask me. And if she tries stuff with

your SS you can have her arrested, that is just plain illegal!!!!

BPDs think they are above everything, including the law, but they

can be brought down, trust me.

This is all of course just my opinion from my own experience. I

wish you the best of luck in reaching your personal decision. We

will support you no matter what.

Much Love

>

> Hello, all,

>

> Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents who

> would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke off

> contact?

>

> I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom. I

> moved three states away when I graduated high school

> and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

>

> But as I attempt to become a happier and more whole

> person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> life.

>

> At this point, I'm pretty immune to most manipulation

> tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving and

> has my social security number memorized.

>

> When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> called the police, gave them his tag number and told

> them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back home,

> to my smirking mom.

>

> I knew right then what she was capable of.

>

> If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break into my

> bank account or do something else equally as

> humiliating or harmful.

>

> Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding isn't

> really an option right now, so I'm wondering if I'm

> stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> starting to affect my general happiness) just to avoid

> her potentially sabotaging my life.

>

> Any advice would be a huge help.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

,

Going n/c officially is tough business and you have to

be ready for it before you do it, unless you subject

yourself to their influence/self-sabotage.

What concerns me is that your nada has your SS# and

it sounds like she does know where you live and your

bank account numbers and where you work. Doe she

know this information? What is the worst case

scenario that you envision?

Greg.

--- wrote:

> Hello, all,

>

> Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents who

> would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke

> off

> contact?

>

> I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom. I

> moved three states away when I graduated high school

> and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

>

> But as I attempt to become a happier and more whole

> person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> life.

>

> At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> manipulation

> tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving and

> has my social security number memorized.

>

> When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> called the police, gave them his tag number and told

> them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back

> home,

> to my smirking mom.

>

> I knew right then what she was capable of.

>

> If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break into

> my

> bank account or do something else equally as

> humiliating or harmful.

>

> Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding isn't

> really an option right now, so I'm wondering if I'm

> stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> starting to affect my general happiness) just to

> avoid

> her potentially sabotaging my life.

>

> Any advice would be a huge help.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

,

I agree with ; she gave you SUPER SOUND advice.

I would like to add that when you officially go n/c,

do it with AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE: no

reasons, nothing. My psychiatrist told me that

yesterday when I told him that I am going to have to

write a N/C letter to a BPD friend from junior high.

He asked me what my worst fear about it was b/c I

guess I looked really scared and I peed in his chair

(just kidding) and I told him that I kept remembering

my mom coming at me with a knife in my sleep. Just

really sick games. It is really sad, but (I'm

reading Understanding the Borderline Mother) it is

necessary, as you well know.

Keep yourself Safe,

Greg.

--- julieag75 wrote:

> ,

>

> I know exactly how you feel. I can't even list here

> the vengeful

> awful things my nada has done in response to NC

> (both in the far and

> more recent past) so I totally understand your fear.

>

> As far as breaking into your bank account, etc, you

> can sign up for

> a credit watch service for about 80 bucks a year.

> If any accounts

> are opened or closed using your social security

> number, they email

> you right away. I used one of these services one

> time when I lost

> my SS card and my birth certificate together (don't

> ask, what a

> nightmare that was). Anyways they were really good

> about that.

>

> You also can warn the people at your work and simply

> tell them the

> truth. I had to do that, and although it is not

> ideal, people

> understood. I just told them that my Mom is sick

> and that she may

> call and try to get me in trouble because she is mad

> since I won't

> talk to her. I also told them to not put calls

> through from her.

> They didn't need to know any more than that, and I

> know in my state

> that if my nada had harassed my work she could be

> arrested. Talk to

> your HR about it. And remember it's her behavior,

> not yours. You

> needn't be embarassed about stuff she does, that is

> on her.

>

> I also had to tell all my friends that if my nada

> called them to not

> answer or listen to her messages. I also apologized

> ahead of time

> for anything rude she may say to them, and I

> explained that she is

> sick and angry at me and may try to hurt me by

> hurting them. Again

> they understand that it is not my fault she's nuts,

> and they were

> very supportive.

>

> One time nada kicked me out and instead of just

> going to a friends,

> i thought ahead of her. I called the cope myself

> because I KNEW as

> soon as her rage wore off, she would report me as a

> runaway (which

> is illegal in my home state) and twist the story so

> I looked like

> the bad kid. It totally worked. I told the cops

> the truth, and the

> police officer said she would call nada and try to

> work things out.

> She was still raging so she acted like her true

> crazy self! When

> the police officer called me back she was like " OMG

> your mom is

> INSANE!!! " Needless to say I did NOT look like the

> bad kid anymore,

> and the state removed me from the home. It was

> AWESOME. Nada's

> little plan backfired. From that point on none of

> her little stunts

> could touch me...sure, it sucked to have her call my

> dean and my

> scholarship committees and send cops to my 200

> person physics class

> to pull me out in front of EVERYONE, but I was able

> to control the

> damage and in the end she is the one who looked bad,

> not me. Like

> my dean said, " What kind of mother does that to her

> daughter?? " And

> you know what? It was YEARS AND YEARS after all

> those stunts before

> I contacted either of my parents again. I refused

> to respond to

> those stunts!!!

>

> Granted I am NC with her once again now. But you

> know what? It has

> been 2 months and as far as I know there haven't

> been any stunts.

> SO maybe she learned that they wouldn't work. Any

> damage she does

> can be fixed, just deal with it as it comes.

> Eventually she will

> get it that her vengeful actions won't work...it

> took my nada over

> ten years to 'get it' but since this past NC episode

> I think she

> might finally understand how futile her attacks are,

> since no matter

> what she does I do not respond. I liken it to a

> child's tantrum,

> once you stop reacting and giving them the attention

> they are

> seeking, they stop throwing the tantrums.

>

> Don't stay in contact if it makes you unhappy. This

> is just another

> way to keep you under her control! She is using

> FEAR to make you

> stay in contact and that is the worst reason to stay

> in a

> relationship with anyone,if you ask me. And if she

> tries stuff with

> your SS you can have her arrested, that is just

> plain illegal!!!!

> BPDs think they are above everything, including the

> law, but they

> can be brought down, trust me.

>

> This is all of course just my opinion from my own

> experience. I

> wish you the best of luck in reaching your personal

> decision. We

> will support you no matter what.

>

> Much Love

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello, all,

> >

> > Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> > manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents

> who

> > would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke

> off

> > contact?

> >

> > I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom.

> I

> > moved three states away when I graduated high

> school

> > and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

> >

> > But as I attempt to become a happier and more

> whole

> > person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> > life.

> >

> > At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> manipulation

> > tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving

> and

> > has my social security number memorized.

> >

> > When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> > called the police, gave them his tag number and

> told

> > them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> > (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back

> home,

> > to my smirking mom.

> >

> > I knew right then what she was capable of.

> >

> > If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> > wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break

> into my

> > bank account or do something else equally as

> > humiliating or harmful.

> >

> > Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding

> isn't

> > really an option right now, so I'm wondering if

> I'm

> > stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> > starting to affect my general happiness) just to

> avoid

> > her potentially sabotaging my life.

> >

> > Any advice would be a huge help.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. It sucks!

First of all, know that NC means NC on your part. It seems that our

BP parents don't get the idea of NC. Still, NC can be wonderful

because you no longer have to give in to the abuse and craziness.

Secondly, as my husband calls it, go the Casper the Friendly Ghost

route, quietly disappear and don't give much info on why you aren't

contacting. You want to be the one in control sense it's a

defensive tactic on your part.

Best of luck,

a

>

> Hello, all,

>

> Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents who

> would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke off

> contact?

>

> I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom. I

> moved three states away when I graduated high school

> and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

>

> But as I attempt to become a happier and more whole

> person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> life.

>

> At this point, I'm pretty immune to most manipulation

> tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving and

> has my social security number memorized.

>

> When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> called the police, gave them his tag number and told

> them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back home,

> to my smirking mom.

>

> I knew right then what she was capable of.

>

> If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break into my

> bank account or do something else equally as

> humiliating or harmful.

>

> Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding isn't

> really an option right now, so I'm wondering if I'm

> stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> starting to affect my general happiness) just to avoid

> her potentially sabotaging my life.

>

> Any advice would be a huge help.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Greg,

Yes, she does have all the aforementioned information,

though I intend to change my bank account number

before I go through with this.

And she knows what city I'm in but not my specific

address.

Worst-case scenario No. 1: She'd call my job (I work

at a very respected newspaper) and attempt to either

humiliate me/get me fired or make up some sort of sob

story about how they have to let her speak to me

because she's fallen gravely ill (she has severe

asthma and all sorts of other maladies).

I've worked hard to remove myself from the drama and

trashiness of my upbringing (think pink trailer in

south carolina with a 5'0 " , 300+ pound mom who never

stops talking) and I loathe the thought of having to

explain to my bosses why I'm so heartless and don't

want to go take care of my invalid mother, etc., etc.

Worst-case scenario No. 2: She'll find a way to either

break into my bank account or otherwise ruin my credit

(which she did while I was a minor and I'm just now

rebuilding).

I guess the main problem is that I fear she's

inventive enough to come up with some other scheme

I've likely never dreamt of.

The one thing I have working in my favor is that she's

usually incredibly lazy. So I'm hoping that she won't

feel like expending the energy to pursue me now that

I'm 673 miles away.

-

--- G wrote:

> ,

>

> Going n/c officially is tough business and you have

> to

> be ready for it before you do it, unless you

> subject

> yourself to their influence/self-sabotage.

>

> What concerns me is that your nada has your SS# and

> it sounds like she does know where you live and your

> bank account numbers and where you work. Doe she

> know this information? What is the worst case

> scenario that you envision?

>

> Greg.

> --- wrote:

>

> > Hello, all,

> >

> > Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> > manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents

> who

> > would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke

> > off

> > contact?

> >

> > I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom.

> I

> > moved three states away when I graduated high

> school

> > and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

> >

> > But as I attempt to become a happier and more

> whole

> > person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> > life.

> >

> > At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> > manipulation

> > tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving

> and

> > has my social security number memorized.

> >

> > When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> > called the police, gave them his tag number and

> told

> > them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> > (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back

> > home,

> > to my smirking mom.

> >

> > I knew right then what she was capable of.

> >

> > If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> > wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break

> into

> > my

> > bank account or do something else equally as

> > humiliating or harmful.

> >

> > Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding

> isn't

> > really an option right now, so I'm wondering if

> I'm

> > stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> > starting to affect my general happiness) just to

> > avoid

> > her potentially sabotaging my life.

> >

> > Any advice would be a huge help.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

,

I really, really liked 's sound advice. It is very 'spot on' as

the saying goes.

I am NC and have been since May, the last time I talked to her. I did

send her a Christmas card, but that's the extent of it- and basically

it was a prayer card saying I'm praying for her. I didn't tell her I

was going NC as that would just stir the pot up more- make her take

it up a notch. I saw that this past year when last Christmas I asked

her not to send anymore gifts to us and if she understood our family

values prayer would be the only gift we could want or need. Of course

she sees this boundary as a challenge and the first opportunity she

got, she snuck a $100 check in my son's first b-day in April. Then

she sent me a gift card for my b-day in late April in that card. In

September after I quit calling her or returning her calls at all, she

sent a package to my oldest son (her favorite b/c he looks just like

my brother- the all good child) for his b-day. I told my aunt, nada's

sister, what I did w/the stuff and I'm not sure if she passed word

along or not to nada, but I don't care either way. I used the $50

gift card on an adopt a family for this past Christmas and then I

exchanged my oldest's son's presents for store credit and then went

out this month and bought more gifts for another family in the adopt

a family Christmas program. I'm determined to stick to my guns and

anything her venom sends our way will be transfromed into good- for

someone else of course- but we WILL NOT accept gifts from her anymore

and her violation of this boundary says to me she's the exact same as

always- a bratty child who won't be told what to do in so far as

boundaries go. I also will not be told who I do and do not have to

keep in contact with and because my nada is so covert and sneaky, I

do not remotely feel an obligation to tell her I'm going NC or to

tell her why I need her out of my life. Its all been said before and

what's the point? Its like spitting in the wind. Why try and have a

sane conversation w/an insane person? Makes me feel crazy too and I

realized that last year when I talked to her after Christmas- that i

would never ever try again on this side of life to try and have a

rational conversation w/someone whose as mentally ill as she is. She

will NEVER get my version, my rights, my feelings, my identity, my

boundaries or anything else b/c she is so absorbed in her 'needs'

that are unquenchable. And so I just kind of quietly disappeared and

will continue to do so. No anger, just no nothing anymore.

In so far as your identity, I agree w/, but I only know of one

company that will clean up the mess if your identity is indeed

stolen. The rest will alert you, but won't exactly clean up the chaos

a stolen identity entails. That company is called Zander insurance

and you can go to their website and check them out. Its called

Identity theft insurance. I think the other one's are alerts or

something- not sure. I just know after having my ID stolen twice that

the footwork of cleaning it up is enormous and I never want to deal

w/that hassle again. It took me literally two months to clean it all

up w/the notorized letters, police affadavits, filling out form w/the

credit bureaus and gov't. Its truly a major pain the butt. It doesn't

cost that much to clean it up in so far as the notorized letters-

maybe $20 total for us to clean it up, but the footwork and general

hassle and phone calls is utterly obnoxious. And no, it was not nada

that stole my identity. Having your social security number stolen is

even worse of a hassle than what I went through from what I've heard-

mine was that someone stole my driver's license number, created bogus

checking accts w/our correct address and then wrote a day's worth of

hot checks all over town at like 10 different retailers and a few gas

stations. I still have no idea how they stole my driver's license

number, but some of these checking accounts they used were

ridiculous!!!! I mean one was based off a Sioux Indian tribe in ND!

Come ON! Oh please- they don't even remotely care in the retail

industry of making sure things are just right. Wal-Mart even GIVES

BACK the cashed check to the consumer once they've scanned it through

Tele-check so there's absolutely no written forgery documentation on

file w/them. Their loss- not mine- though a total pain in the butt

for tracking down the perp that stole my identity. And that is the

LEAST pursued crime out there- they do squat to cut down on identity

theft hence its super lucrative for theives and insane people right

now since there's basically VERY little prospect of getting caught.

At least in your case, you would have a VERY good idea of who'd steal

your identity.

Oops gotta run. Crying baby.

Best wishes w/going NC.

Kerrie

>

> Hello, all,

>

> Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents who

> would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke off

> contact?

>

> I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom. I

> moved three states away when I graduated high school

> and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

>

> But as I attempt to become a happier and more whole

> person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> life.

>

> At this point, I'm pretty immune to most manipulation

> tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving and

> has my social security number memorized.

>

> When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> called the police, gave them his tag number and told

> them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back home,

> to my smirking mom.

>

> I knew right then what she was capable of.

>

> If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break into my

> bank account or do something else equally as

> humiliating or harmful.

>

> Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding isn't

> really an option right now, so I'm wondering if I'm

> stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> starting to affect my general happiness) just to avoid

> her potentially sabotaging my life.

>

> Any advice would be a huge help.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

, Yeah I've had to deal with aggressive and deliberate attacks

when I've withdrawn. I threw up my hands in the past a few times, and

worked on my OWN life, only to have her do stuff I just couldn't

imagine she'd do. I didn't know then, but I do now, that its just the

way she is. Obviously, after enough of those deliberate sabotaging

attacks, I've learned my lesson.

Sadly I can relate. I understand your fear. I've lived through

those " worst case scenarios " that someone can wreak havoc on your

life with. I guess I can say (good news) that you CAN survive the

missiles of attack...but I can also say that they hurt like hell. You

can imagine tha already I'm sure!

My advice? Use the knowledge you gained from what she did to stepdad

(ruined his life best she could) and keep that as your talisman while

you cut the woman out of your life. Face it (sounds like you have)

she's an empty well. One that will only suck joy out of the life you

build as your own person. and who needs THAT??? Er...nobody sane,

that's for sure!

hey I know what its like, I know how it sucks, I know how extreme

these people can get. But more importantly, I KNOW that you have NO

means to control it. You can ONLY control the impact it has on YOUR

life. T?hat is the sweet freedom you get as an adult

Sweet indeed

You sound like you've got the clues, you're just trying to be a

respectful normal person and figure if this whole no contact thing is

really necessary, right.

Ok, so trust me....if your mother did what she did to the ex of hers,

then you gotta know (you already do) that you are next on the

chopping block if you dont' dance her dance. ]

I say this: screw her dance. If you're an adult and have the

beautiful freedom of autonomy, then USE IT GIRL. Accept that she's

this dry well that sucks the life out of others and that you are MORE

THAN WORK not having your life sucked outta you!

I hope this first hand experience sharing helps some. I'm an old

gal,took me a long time to give up on her, but I finally did. Its

never too late, but hell if I can see that the earlier the beter is a

Key reliazation!

I hopwe that you have a great support system to absorb that loss of

the basic human need of a parent's acceptance. There's a big journey

ahead, and I think that from experencethat you're on the right track

for KELLY. You see that the woman ain't ever gonnaggive you what you

deservedl So you get to give it to yuourself Hey, that is not a

bad thing at all....trust me!

e

>

> Hello, all,

>

> Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents who

> would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke off

> contact?

>

> I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom. I

> moved three states away when I graduated high school

> and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

>

> But as I attempt to become a happier and more whole

> person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> life.

>

> At this point, I'm pretty immune to most manipulation

> tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving and

> has my social security number memorized.

>

> When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> called the police, gave them his tag number and told

> them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back home,

> to my smirking mom.

>

> I knew right then what she was capable of.

>

> If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break into my

> bank account or do something else equally as

> humiliating or harmful.

>

> Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding isn't

> really an option right now, so I'm wondering if I'm

> stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> starting to affect my general happiness) just to avoid

> her potentially sabotaging my life.

>

> Any advice would be a huge help.

>

> Thanks,

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, !

First off, good for you for not allowing your BP mom to define you or how you

live your life now! I can empathize with how hard you must have worked to

accomplish your goals, and can also understand why this would make it so

terrifying that she would act out in the future to try to ruin the life you've

built for yourself.

I'm also an only child of an eternally-single nada -- so I REALLY feel your

pain, there! And, with so few other people to focus on, she'd naturally be even

more likely to act out against you, uggghhhh...

I suggest you read as much about BPD as possible, if you haven't already.

As to how to best prepare for the coming onslaught, I don't think there's really

any way to control or predict a BP's behavior. I know, for me, I've spent 44

years living in a state of hypervigilance trying to do this and it never works!

I'm constantly being surprised and caught off-guard by my nada's insane

reactions and behavior... what's helped me most is trying to accept this and

detach from it as much as possible.

I say, she's going to do whatever she's going to do, so let her. I'd protect

myself as much as possible -- changing bank accounts sounds like a great idea --

and then I'd just accept that, in the future, you'll have to put out whatever

fires she dreams up, and not waste too much energy trying to anticipate them in

advance. (Easy to say, harder to do, since as KOs we've been trained for this

since birth!)

Remember that you're going NC for YOURSELF, for your health and happiness and

well-being -- so why not honor that now and put the focus on you and your

healing? Recovering from an emotionally abusive childhood is an amazing,

life-changing journey -- for me, it began with the realization that I could

never find any peace or happiness for myself whenever my thoughts were on HER,

and what SHE was going to do next, or how SHE might react.... and that there

has to be a way to let go of that. It's still something I struggle with, but

it's worth it.

Anyhow, just my thoughts. And welcome to the group, by the way!

Shana

Re: need advice on going nc (i fear reprisals)

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Hi, Greg,

>

> Yes, she does have all the aforementioned information,

> though I intend to change my bank account number

> before I go through with this.

>

> And she knows what city I'm in but not my specific

> address.

>

> Worst-case scenario No. 1: She'd call my job (I work

> at a very respected newspaper) and attempt to either

> humiliate me/get me fired or make up some sort of sob

> story about how they have to let her speak to me

> because she's fallen gravely ill (she has severe

> asthma and all sorts of other maladies).

>

> I've worked hard to remove myself from the drama and

> trashiness of my upbringing (think pink trailer in

> south carolina with a 5'0 " , 300+ pound mom who never

> stops talking) and I loathe the thought of having to

> explain to my bosses why I'm so heartless and don't

> want to go take care of my invalid mother, etc., etc.

>

> Worst-case scenario No. 2: She'll find a way to either

> break into my bank account or otherwise ruin my credit

> (which she did while I was a minor and I'm just now

> rebuilding).

>

> I guess the main problem is that I fear she's

> inventive enough to come up with some other scheme

> I've likely never dreamt of.

>

> The one thing I have working in my favor is that she's

> usually incredibly lazy. So I'm hoping that she won't

> feel like expending the energy to pursue me now that

> I'm 673 miles away.

>

> -

>

>

>

> --- G wrote:

>

> > ,

> >

> > Going n/c officially is tough business and you have

> > to

> > be ready for it before you do it, unless you

> > subject

> > yourself to their influence/self-sabotage.

> >

> > What concerns me is that your nada has your SS# and

> > it sounds like she does know where you live and your

> > bank account numbers and where you work. Doe she

> > know this information? What is the worst case

> > scenario that you envision?

> >

> > Greg.

> > --- wrote:

> >

> > > Hello, all,

> > >

> > > Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> > > manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents

> > who

> > > would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke

> > > off

> > > contact?

> > >

> > > I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom.

> > I

> > > moved three states away when I graduated high

> > school

> > > and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

> > >

> > > But as I attempt to become a happier and more

> > whole

> > > person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> > > life.

> > >

> > > At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> > > manipulation

> > > tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving

> > and

> > > has my social security number memorized.

> > >

> > > When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> > > called the police, gave them his tag number and

> > told

> > > them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> > > (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back

> > > home,

> > > to my smirking mom.

> > >

> > > I knew right then what she was capable of.

> > >

> > > If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> > > wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break

> > into

> > > my

> > > bank account or do something else equally as

> > > humiliating or harmful.

> > >

> > > Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding

> > isn't

> > > really an option right now, so I'm wondering if

> > I'm

> > > stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> > > starting to affect my general happiness) just to

> > > avoid

> > > her potentially sabotaging my life.

> > >

> > > Any advice would be a huge help.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > >

> > >

> > > __________________________________________________

> > >

[Guest guest]

and All,

e and Shana sure put it straight. That’s my

NC/RC experience, too. Also, from what I’ve read,

some of the same companies that issue credit are

cleaning up offering those `credit monitoring

services.’ They have little incentive to do good

work. Some people get late or no notification of

suspicious activity on their accounts. It’s like the

foxes guarding the henhouse. Still, it may be better

than paying for more than the one free credit report

we’re entitled to per year (what a joke).

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- slarsen988@... wrote:

> Hey, !

>

> First off, good for you for not allowing your BP mom

> to define you or how you live your life now! I can

> empathize with how hard you must have worked to

> accomplish your goals, and can also understand why

> this would make it so terrifying that she would act

> out in the future to try to ruin the life you've

> built for yourself.

>

> I'm also an only child of an eternally-single nada

> -- so I REALLY feel your pain, there! And, with so

> few other people to focus on, she'd naturally be

> even more likely to act out against you, uggghhhh...

>

> I suggest you read as much about BPD as possible, if

> you haven't already.

>

> As to how to best prepare for the coming onslaught,

> I don't think there's really any way to control or

> predict a BP's behavior. I know, for me, I've spent

> 44 years living in a state of hypervigilance trying

> to do this and it never works! I'm constantly being

> surprised and caught off-guard by my nada's insane

> reactions and behavior... what's helped me most is

> trying to accept this and detach from it as much as

> possible.

>

> I say, she's going to do whatever she's going to do,

> so let her. I'd protect myself as much as possible

> -- changing bank accounts sounds like a great idea

> -- and then I'd just accept that, in the future,

> you'll have to put out whatever fires she dreams up,

> and not waste too much energy trying to anticipate

> them in advance. (Easy to say, harder to do, since

> as KOs we've been trained for this since birth!)

>

> Remember that you're going NC for YOURSELF, for your

> health and happiness and well-being -- so why not

> honor that now and put the focus on you and your

> healing? Recovering from an emotionally abusive

> childhood is an amazing, life-changing journey --

> for me, it began with the realization that I could

> never find any peace or happiness for myself

> whenever my thoughts were on HER, and what SHE was

> going to do next, or how SHE might react.... and

> that there has to be a way to let go of that. It's

> still something I struggle with, but it's worth it.

>

> Anyhow, just my thoughts. And welcome to the group,

> by the way!

>

> Shana

>

>

> Re: need advice on

> going nc (i fear reprisals)

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> > Hi, Greg,

> >

> > Yes, she does have all the aforementioned

> information,

> > though I intend to change my bank account number

> > before I go through with this.

> >

> > And she knows what city I'm in but not my specific

> > address.

> >

> > Worst-case scenario No. 1: She'd call my job (I

> work

> > at a very respected newspaper) and attempt to

> either

> > humiliate me/get me fired or make up some sort of

> sob

> > story about how they have to let her speak to me

> > because she's fallen gravely ill (she has severe

> > asthma and all sorts of other maladies).

> >

> > I've worked hard to remove myself from the drama

> and

> > trashiness of my upbringing (think pink trailer in

> > south carolina with a 5'0 " , 300+ pound mom who

> never

> > stops talking) and I loathe the thought of having

> to

> > explain to my bosses why I'm so heartless and

> don't

> > want to go take care of my invalid mother, etc.,

> etc.

> >

> > Worst-case scenario No. 2: She'll find a way to

> either

> > break into my bank account or otherwise ruin my

> credit

> > (which she did while I was a minor and I'm just

> now

> > rebuilding).

> >

> > I guess the main problem is that I fear she's

> > inventive enough to come up with some other scheme

> > I've likely never dreamt of.

> >

> > The one thing I have working in my favor is that

> she's

> > usually incredibly lazy. So I'm hoping that she

> won't

> > feel like expending the energy to pursue me now

> that

> > I'm 673 miles away.

> >

> > -

> >

> >

> >

> > --- G wrote:

> >

> > > ,

> > >

> > > Going n/c officially is tough business and you

> have

> > > to

> > > be ready for it before you do it, unless you

> > > subject

> > > yourself to their influence/self-sabotage.

> > >

> > > What concerns me is that your nada has your SS#

> and

> > > it sounds like she does know where you live and

> your

> > > bank account numbers and where you work. Doe she

> > > know this information? What is the worst case

> > > scenario that you envision?

> > >

> > > Greg.

> > > --- wrote:

> > >

> > > > Hello, all,

> > > >

> > > > Aside from guilt trip and other forms of

> passive

> > > > manipulation, have any of you dealt with

> parents

> > > who

> > > > would agressively seek to destroy you if you

> broke

> > > > off

> > > > contact?

> > > >

> > > > I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single

> mom.

> > > I

> > > > moved three states away when I graduated high

> > > school

> > > > and haven't set foot in my home state in 3

> years.

> > > >

> > > > But as I attempt to become a happier and more

> > > whole

> > > > person, I realize I need her completely out of

> my

> > > > life.

> > > >

> > > > At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> > > > manipulation

> > > > tactics. But my mother is impressively

> caniving

> > > and

> > > > has my social security number memorized.

> > > >

> > > > When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her.

> She

> > > > called the police, gave them his tag number

> and

> > > told

> > > > them he was mentally ill (true) and off his

> meds

> > > > (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted

> back

> > > > home,

> > > > to my smirking mom.

> > > >

> > > > I knew right then what she was capable of.

> > > >

> > > > If I go nc (especially if I announce that I

> am), I

> > > > wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break

> > > into

> > > > my

> > > > bank account or do something else equally as

> > > > humiliating or harmful.

> > > >

> > > > Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding

> > > isn't

> > > > really an option right now, so I'm wondering

> if

> > > I'm

> > > > stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> > > > starting to affect my general happiness) just

> to

> > > > avoid

> > > > her potentially sabotaging my life.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice would be a huge help.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks,

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> __________________________________________________

> > > >

[Guest guest]

,

It sounds like you really have an excellent handle on this and the other thing

in your favor is that you KNOW her. There are many ways to go n/c. I did it on

the phone after my nada announced that she had breast cancer, which was true,

and she cut me and my brother off of communication. The next call she made to

me, I told her to never contact me again in my entire life. I gave 4 reasons

(which I would advise not giving any information at all as they use it all

against you) all of which were true and hung up. I then didn't answer any of

her calls or vm etc. She lives 5000 miles away. ;o) Or you might want to go

quietly into your life. a here calls it the Casper the Ghost method. You

just slowly don't return phone calls and make contact less and less over time.

Some people have written letters. I tried that once when I was 19 and it didn't

go over too well. I wrote, " Why don't you just die already?! " Love your son,

Greg. ;o) Just keep in mind whatever

method you use, any information is going to be used against you and then then

go into their warped minds and invent a smear campaign etc. (or can do that).

I feel for you and having to explain to a few people at work that are your

bosses that, unfortunately, your mother has a mental illness that keeps her out

of this reality and creates a very disturbing reality for herself and tries to

project that onto me (if you do decide to tell them). Above all, respect

yourself - protect yourself.

Merry Christmas and best of Luck!

Greg.

Re: need advice on going nc (i fear reprisals)

Hi, Greg,

Yes, she does have all the aforementioned information,

though I intend to change my bank account number

before I go through with this.

And she knows what city I'm in but not my specific

address.

Worst-case scenario No. 1: She'd call my job (I work

at a very respected newspaper) and attempt to either

humiliate me/get me fired or make up some sort of sob

story about how they have to let her speak to me

because she's fallen gravely ill (she has severe

asthma and all sorts of other maladies).

I've worked hard to remove myself from the drama and

trashiness of my upbringing (think pink trailer in

south carolina with a 5'0 " , 300+ pound mom who never

stops talking) and I loathe the thought of having to

explain to my bosses why I'm so heartless and don't

want to go take care of my invalid mother, etc., etc.

Worst-case scenario No. 2: She'll find a way to either

break into my bank account or otherwise ruin my credit

(which she did while I was a minor and I'm just now

rebuilding).

I guess the main problem is that I fear she's

inventive enough to come up with some other scheme

I've likely never dreamt of.

The one thing I have working in my favor is that she's

usually incredibly lazy. So I'm hoping that she won't

feel like expending the energy to pursue me now that

I'm 673 miles away.

-

--- G <psychfredyahoo (DOT) com> wrote:

> ,

>

> Going n/c officially is tough business and you have

> to

> be ready for it before you do it, unless you

> subject

> yourself to their influence/self- sabotage.

>

> What concerns me is that your nada has your SS# and

> it sounds like she does know where you live and your

> bank account numbers and where you work. Doe she

> know this information? What is the worst case

> scenario that you envision?

>

> Greg.

> --- <aberration7@ yahoo.com> wrote:

>

> > Hello, all,

> >

> > Aside from guilt trip and other forms of passive

> > manipulation, have any of you dealt with parents

> who

> > would agressively seek to destroy you if you broke

> > off

> > contact?

> >

> > I'm a 26-year-old only child of a BPD single mom.

> I

> > moved three states away when I graduated high

> school

> > and haven't set foot in my home state in 3 years.

> >

> > But as I attempt to become a happier and more

> whole

> > person, I realize I need her completely out of my

> > life.

> >

> > At this point, I'm pretty immune to most

> > manipulation

> > tactics. But my mother is impressively caniving

> and

> > has my social security number memorized.

> >

> > When I was 12, my stepdad tried to leave her. She

> > called the police, gave them his tag number and

> told

> > them he was mentally ill (true) and off his meds

> > (untrue). They pulled him over and escorted back

> > home,

> > to my smirking mom.

> >

> > I knew right then what she was capable of.

> >

> > If I go nc (especially if I announce that I am), I

> > wouldn't put it past her to call my job, break

> into

> > my

> > bank account or do something else equally as

> > humiliating or harmful.

> >

> > Switching jobs or otherwise going into hiding

> isn't

> > really an option right now, so I'm wondering if

> I'm

> > stuck keeping up appearances (even though it's

> > starting to affect my general happiness) just to

> > avoid

> > her potentially sabotaging my life.

> >

> > Any advice would be a huge help.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

> >