Re: Why is this a common thread?

December 19, 2006

Non-BP Man,

Another of one of my nada's favorite hysterical screams was 'I can't

take this anymore' as she'd be just utterly angry and crying at the

same time. It was so scary as a kid, but it also made me toughen up

more than any child should be forced to. That and 'You're getting on

my last nerve!' much like how you said 'I'm tired- leave me alone'

w/your nada. My nada was always tired too, but another part also

thinks its like a laziness. I'm sure they are indeed tired. They are

addicted to that adreniline rush in the brain that makes them wired

differently than us or other normal people where they just get

addicted to the drama and so the down turn would naturally be quite

tired.I know I'm VERY tired and exhaused this year and feel like I

can't take anymore, but by the same token, I also know that I don't

have to...that I have boundaries and that my coping skills are so

much better than a bps. I don't understand how they do it to be

honest. Part of the reason I remain NC is just b/c of all the

drama/trauma in my life this year and my dislikign it and not wanting

to compound the problem. My nada is the exact opposite in that she

runs to her fada when she's being beat up by life only to get handed

more abuse and more anger issues. I don't want to be bitter and angry

and so I know I need to cut away from her and anyone else who'd feed

off these tragedies in my life. But I do feel bad for my kids this

past year as I have not had my optimal energy levels going and yet

they are still the most awesome kids on the planet, IMHO. They still

manage to learn and grow and be super sweet (though they have their

moments where they pound on each other like boys do- though of course

I break it up when it gets too heated- mostly though they absolutely

adore each other and can't stand being away from each other- the

opposite of a lot of siblings and definitley not how I was raised. If

anything, they are more aligned than we are with them-lol).

Its still like nails on a chaulk board hearing 'I can't take it

anymore.' or things to that effect, probably like 'I'm tired.' for

you.

K

> > > > >

> > > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> > their nada's get

> > > cancer

> > > > > or some other major life threatening illness?

> > Is it a ploy to

> > > pull us

> > > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the

> > rage eats away at

> > > them

> > > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > finally pull away

> > > for

> > > > > our own safty?

> > > > >

> > > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's

> > sister whom I've

> > > always

> > > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> > there are two

> > > tumors on

> > > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> > just can't be

> > > cancer

> > > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick

> > of course. For my

> > > part,

> > > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > probably right-

> > > its

> > > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder

> > surgery a few years

> > > ago.

> > > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.'

> > and then I just kind

> > > of

> > > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just

> > have NO DESIRE to

> > > partake

> > > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone

> > in my FOO - even if

> > > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve.

> > I just don't feel

> > > safe

> > > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > traumatic events that

> > > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather

> > give it to God and

> > > let

> > > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > insensitive Ahole

> > > that

> > > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my

> > world turned upside

> > > down

> > > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > morbidity and

> > > trauma

> > > > > bonding.

> > > > >

> > > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in

> > the worst case

> > > scenario

> > > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours,

> > of nada dieing of

> > > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it

> > go. Your mother died

> > > long

> > > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.'

> > It sucks though-

> > > this

> > > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > serenity. I love

> > > this

> > > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for

> > me, much more so

> > > than

> > > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list

> > and saw all the good-

> > > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really

> > can't remotely bare the

> > > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with

> > her over her own

> > > cancer

> > > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what

> > is best for me and

> > > yet

> > > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like

> > this is a test- much

> > > like

> > > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> > stopping for someone

> > > who

> > > > > seems polite journeying the opposite way on

> > the bridge so that

> > > they

> > > > > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma,

> > I just want to

> > > keep up

> > > > > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing

> > its a trap- it

> > > always

> > > > > is even if she may not be here on earth much

> > longer. My life is

> > > > > better without the chaos and if she were on

> > her death bed,I'd say

> > > > > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when

> > I get there. For

> > > now, I

> > > > > just want to keep moving over this current

> > bridge I'm crossing.

> > > This

> > > > > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> > > > >

> > > > > Kerrie

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

> __________________________________________________

>

December 19, 2006

Kerrie,

I definitely agree with about staying n/c. I

went n/c when my nada developed breast cancer and she

tried to cut me off and my brother. Well, she could

be dead as far as I know or that the radiation and

chemo didn't work. But I have MY LIFE and I am not

going to support that FAT hermit/WITCH on that bridge.

I would do her a kindness and give her the same

consideration she gave me and keep right on ignorning

her cries for help, like she did mine. I just got

back from my psychiatrist's office and he told me that

a borderline that refuses to undergo treatment is only

going to wreak havok and destruction in your life.

End the fantasy relationship; there is no real

relationship with an untreated bpd. They are that

disabled and that CRUEL. Love yourself and don't get

tricked by an illusion.

(((((((((((Kerrie)))))))))))))))))

Greg.

--- julieag75 wrote:

> Kerrie,

>

> Stay NC! Don't let her hoover you with this crap!

> How do you even

> know this is true? Just b/c your nada told your

> aunt she has cancer

> does not mean it is true.

>

> Not to mention, exactly what would you do to help

> anyway? I am

> sorry, but unless you are an oncologist I don't

> really see how you

> can help her regardless.

>

> My nada does the same thing to try to hoover us back

> in, and the

> thing is that it actually worked in the past. Not

> any more.

>

> It is sad but I tend to doubt all these illnesses

> just 'pop up' when

> we KO's go NC. My nada's problems stemmed from

> suicide attempts so

> that seems to make sense, but even still, not my

> problem!!!

>

> What a relief. Let yourself off the hook. It is

> not your problem

> and it probably isn't even real.

>

> love

>

> >

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> their nada's get

> cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is

> it a ploy to pull

> us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage

> eats away at

> them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> finally pull away

> for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister

> whom I've always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> there are two tumors

> on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> just can't be

> cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> course. For my

> part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> probably right- its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery

> a few years ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> then I just kind

> of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have

> NO DESIRE to

> partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my

> FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> just don't feel

> safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give

> it to God and

> let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> insensitive Ahole

> that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world

> turned upside

> down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> morbidity and trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the

> worst case

> scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go.

> Your mother died

> long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> sucks though- this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> serenity. I love

> this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me,

> much more so

> than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and

> saw all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her

> over her own

> cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is

> best for me and

> yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is

> a test- much

> like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> stopping for someone

> who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the

> bridge so that

> they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I

> just want to keep

> up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its

> a trap- it

> always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much

> longer. My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her

> death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I

> get there. For

> now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge

> I'm crossing.

> This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

__________________________________________________

December 19, 2006

Greg,

Thanks for the big hugs. Right back at ya!

The people crossed off my Christmas list are more death related and I

realized when doing transfering my names to a knew book after five

years of the old Christmas card book that I really needed to grieve

and have a good cry for those friends who died this year. I didn't

stop and do that when I first sent out my cards b/c I was in such a

rush and now I feel like I " m slowing down a bit and can get all this

sadness out of me. Two of these friends I only kept in touch with at

Christmas and to not carry their names over into my new book was very

sad- especially who killed herself in April. I know if she knew

about nada's fiance's suicide she would've NEVER killed herself as

she was not that selfish. She was severely depressed though and

obviously more than anyone realized. My other friend died of cancer-

found out in June and she died in July and well its just kind of sad

b/c I liked keeping in touch w/her once a year, ya know? Its good to

finally be able to cry this all out and get some of the emotions

behind me so that I can move on and be happy with what I do have- two

awesome, beautiful children and a wonderful husband and a nice house

and my health and more opportunity than I ever dreamed was

fathomable. " The sky is the limit " But it does suck saying good bye

and having to go through the emotions.

Only one name was crossed off my list this year for 'poisonous'

reasons and that was nada's dead fiance's bp mother. I care nothing

about keeping in touch w/her. I didn't see her at the Memorial

Service and skipped dinner the night before w/the family (was too

much for me to be alone w/the FOO and no support and then top it off

w/two bps- no thanks- I skipped that one. What's the point of paying

for a good meal that will just end up as indegestion, ya know?) and I

didn't go to the private family funeral that Monday as I had to get

back here to take care of the kids. Never sent her a card or anything

and can't say I ever care to see her or talk to her again as she's

just as sick as my nada and my nada sees it and she's more

dysfunctional which is why nada was attracked to him in the first

place- to take the limelight off her illness and focus on his

mother/nada- and now of course they are the best of friends since

he's dead. ULK!!! Nothing like two bps forming a fast and lovely

friendship, huh? That's my only poisonous person marked off this year

and I'm none too sorry to end that connection.

Thanks again and good for you for getting all those yucky people out

of your life! I did NOT send a few others cards this year that are

people I needed to let go of and that was healing too (bad history

overall and I was the one making the effort to stay in touch- no

thanks). But overall, I'm mostly sad for my friend's who've died and

not realizing last year's X-mas cards were the last I'd ever get, ya

know?

(((((Greg)))))

Thanks:)

Kerrie

>

> > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC their

> > nada's get cancer

> > or some other major life threatening illness? Is it

> > a ploy to pull us

> > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the rage

> > eats away at them

> > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > finally pull away for

> > our own safty?

> >

> > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's sister

> > whom I've always

> > been pretty close to and she informed me that there

> > are two tumors on

> > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and just

> > can't be cancer

> > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> > course. For my part,

> > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > probably right- its

> > probably some growth from her gallbladder surgery a

> > few years ago.

> > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> > then I just kind of

> > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have NO

> > DESIRE to partake

> > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in my

> > FOO - even if

> > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> > just don't feel safe

> > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > traumatic events that

> > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather give

> > it to God and let

> > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > insensitive Ahole that

> > is constantly misunderstood than to have my world

> > turned upside down

> > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > morbidity and trauma

> > bonding.

> >

> > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in the

> > worst case scenario

> > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> > nada dieing of

> > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go. Your

> > mother died long

> > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> > sucks though- this

> > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > serenity. I love this

> > time of the year and yet this year is sad for me,

> > much more so than

> > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and saw

> > all the good-

> > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> > remotely bare the

> > thought of calling nada and connecting with her over

> > her own cancer

> > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what is

> > best for me and yet

> > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this is a

> > test- much like

> > that parable of the bridge- that instead of stopping

> > for someone who

> > seems polite journeying the opposite way on the

> > bridge so that they

> > can 'rope' me into their own drama and trauma, I

> > just want to keep up

> > w/my own momentum in life and move on- knowing its a

> > trap- it always

> > is even if she may not be here on earth much longer.

> > My life is

> > better without the chaos and if she were on her

> > death bed,I'd say

> > good bye, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get

> > there. For now, I

> > just want to keep moving over this current bridge

> > I'm crossing. This

> > does suck though- these feelings and grieving.

> >

> > Kerrie

> >

>

> __________________________________________________

>

December 20, 2006

Oh, Kerrie,

I'm so sorry for the losses of your good friends as

that really hurts, especially the tragic way they left

this earth. I have been having problems with my email

account getting stuck on certain emails, so I didn't

see the email about saying good-bye to your good

friends, only the cancer scare and not calling your

FOO or Nada. I fully support your decision to protect

yourself from them by not getting hoovered back in,

as soo many others have said. I hope you find the JOY

in your Christmas this year. It is much easier to

find after we have cried that poison and grief out of

our system. Hard to do and you are very strong for

doing it.

Take great care,

Greg.

--- Kerrie wrote:

> Greg,

> Thanks for the big hugs. Right back at ya!

> The people crossed off my Christmas list are more

> death related and I

> realized when doing transfering my names to a knew

> book after five

> years of the old Christmas card book that I really

> needed to grieve

> and have a good cry for those friends who died this

> year. I didn't

> stop and do that when I first sent out my cards b/c

> I was in such a

> rush and now I feel like I " m slowing down a bit and

> can get all this

> sadness out of me. Two of these friends I only kept

> in touch with at

> Christmas and to not carry their names over into my

> new book was very

> sad- especially who killed herself in April. I

> know if she knew

> about nada's fiance's suicide she would've NEVER

> killed herself as

> she was not that selfish. She was severely depressed

> though and

> obviously more than anyone realized. My other friend

> died of cancer-

> found out in June and she died in July and well its

> just kind of sad

> b/c I liked keeping in touch w/her once a year, ya

> know? Its good to

> finally be able to cry this all out and get some of

> the emotions

> behind me so that I can move on and be happy with

> what I do have- two

> awesome, beautiful children and a wonderful husband

> and a nice house

> and my health and more opportunity than I ever

> dreamed was

> fathomable. " The sky is the limit " But it does suck

> saying good bye

> and having to go through the emotions.

>

> Only one name was crossed off my list this year for

> 'poisonous'

> reasons and that was nada's dead fiance's bp mother.

> I care nothing

> about keeping in touch w/her. I didn't see her at

> the Memorial

> Service and skipped dinner the night before w/the

> family (was too

> much for me to be alone w/the FOO and no support and

> then top it off

> w/two bps- no thanks- I skipped that one. What's the

> point of paying

> for a good meal that will just end up as

> indegestion, ya know?) and I

> didn't go to the private family funeral that Monday

> as I had to get

> back here to take care of the kids. Never sent her a

> card or anything

> and can't say I ever care to see her or talk to her

> again as she's

> just as sick as my nada and my nada sees it and

> she's more

> dysfunctional which is why nada was attracked to him

> in the first

> place- to take the limelight off her illness and

> focus on his

> mother/nada- and now of course they are the best of

> friends since

> he's dead. ULK!!! Nothing like two bps forming a

> fast and lovely

> friendship, huh? That's my only poisonous person

> marked off this year

> and I'm none too sorry to end that connection.

>

> Thanks again and good for you for getting all those

> yucky people out

> of your life! I did NOT send a few others cards this

> year that are

> people I needed to let go of and that was healing

> too (bad history

> overall and I was the one making the effort to stay

> in touch- no

> thanks). But overall, I'm mostly sad for my friend's

> who've died and

> not realizing last year's X-mas cards were the last

> I'd ever get, ya

> know?

>

> (((((Greg)))))

> Thanks:)

> Kerrie

>

> >

> > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> their

> > > nada's get cancer

> > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is

> it

> > > a ploy to pull us

> > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the

> rage

> > > eats away at them

> > > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > > finally pull away for

> > > our own safty?

> > >

> > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's

> sister

> > > whom I've always

> > > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> there

> > > are two tumors on

> > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> just

> > > can't be cancer

> > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> > > course. For my part,

> > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > > probably right- its

> > > probably some growth from her gallbladder

> surgery a

> > > few years ago.

> > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> > > then I just kind of

> > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have

> NO

> > > DESIRE to partake

> > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in

> my

> > > FOO - even if

> > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> > > just don't feel safe

> > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > > traumatic events that

> > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather

> give

> > > it to God and let

> > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > > insensitive Ahole that

> > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my

> world

> > > turned upside down

> > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > > morbidity and trauma

> > > bonding.

> > >

> > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in

> the

> > > worst case scenario

> > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> > > nada dieing of

> > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go.

> Your

> > > mother died long

> > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> > > sucks though- this

> > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > > serenity. I love this

> > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for

> me,

> > > much more so than

> > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and

> saw

> > > all the good-

> > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> > > remotely bare the

> > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her

> over

> > > her own cancer

> > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what

> is

> > > best for me and yet

> > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this

> is a

> > > test- much like

> > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> stopping

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________________

December 20, 2006

Greg,

Thanks so much. I know you of all people can understand as I recalled

your story of losing so many friends in such a short time span back

in the 1990s. I do have more of a sense of hope right now- mainly

this afternoon, than I've had in a VERY long time. I genuinely

believe nada has been up to something diabolical again. I too had

some email problems this past weekend and accidentally posted to one

of my groups a VERY private email to my friend (the one who lost her

two year old daughter in June). The contents of the email were about

her and her dh trying to conceive again pretty soon and it was sooo

not my place to tell all our friends that they were trying to have

another baby so soon. I was just sharing w/her the insanity of having

them closely spaced as mine are 18mos apart and if she got pregnant

this month like they are trying, it would be the same boat as we are

in (her son was born just two months before her 2 year old daughter

died- they were right at two years apart which is close, but she

conveyed some concern to me about how to deal w/life when they are

under two years apart in a face to face conversation). Anyway, it got

posted to our group email w/all our friends and I felt sooo horrible

as I'm most certain they want privacy right now after having their

lives be so public this year w/the untimely death of their daughter.

I emailed her and apologized right away and didn't hear back and then

left her a message on her VM apologizing too yesterday and still

hadn't heard back (she's seriously grieving and so I guess part of me

was expecting her to be royally pissed or something and that's why

she wasn't calling back- which is reasonable as people do go through

a plethora of emotions in grieving and she'd shared w/me that the

shock is wearing off and she is starting to feel some sense of anger

lately- which is actually a good sign). I was very agonized over it

since dh said it was a bad situation too, but then she called me

today and was like 'its no big deal at all- these women are all my

friends and I just brushed your other email off b/c these things

happen to everyone and we were packing to go out of town') I didn't

realize they'd been gone these past few days to just have a mini

vacation as they prepare for the hardship of celebrating their first

Christmas w/o their daughter who really would've gotten into it this

year finally. But this friend also shared w/me that she thought I was

being spiritually attacked right now b/c I should know her well

enough to know things like this are not that big of a deal-

definitely not to the degree I was reading into as being.And I was

kind of blown away by her trying to help me when she's been in so

much pain lately. But I think she's right. I think nada is probably

up to something big for the holidays to try and screw w/us again and

I always get a slight paranioa w/o any sensible linear logical

pattern behind it when nada is about to pull something in my life- a

sixth sense I suppose. But my friend also shared w/me that today

marks the 6 month anniversary of her daughter's death and that when

they were away for a few days it was sooo foggy and dreary and so

symbolic of their lives right now- just one foot infront of the other

and so much internal fog - but then today when they were leaving to

come back home they saw the most beautiful rainbow ever appear in the

sky and they knew it was sign of hope and that things would be okay

in the near future- that they are actually starting to look forward

to the future again. It was so beautiful to hear this story and to

have such a beacon of hope come from my friend when I've been dealing

w/this grief process too and have really started to unwind and unpack

some of the emotional garbage of this year these past couple of

weeks. I do really feel a stronger sense of hope come over today

(even before talking to this friend, but also talking to another

friend who was extremely supportive- makes me realize what a strong

foundation and network of friends I do have here far, far away from

nada) and that even if nada does pull something, I can see now that I

can handle it and that despite being attacked, I am strong and when I

am weak, I have such incredible resources in the way of this board

and my friends and marriage to lean on- things I never felt growing

up.

Another beacon of hope that came my way last night was in the way of

talking to dh's sister. She's a doctor and was telling me that most

tumors of the liver are benign and to not worry about this situation

w/nada- that nada is probably not making it up, but that I don't need

to call or be involved (she's a psychiatrist- which does require an

extensive medical background and knowledge as well hence her

knowledge I suppose of liver tumors- that and so many nurses in the

family she grew up around). I really have felt so much hope come over

me today in so many areas and a lot of healing and readiness to say

good bye to this year and enjoy the holidays in peace w/my family.

Thanks so much for understanding. I knew you'd definitely understand

the grieving of so many in such a short period of time. When you look

back, do you ever wonder " How did I make it through that year? "

Best wishes,

Kerrie

> > >

> > > > Why does it seem like as soon as a KO goes NC

> > their

> > > > nada's get cancer

> > > > or some other major life threatening illness? Is

> > it

> > > > a ploy to pull us

> > > > back in or is it legit health issues b/c the

> > rage

> > > > eats away at them

> > > > so badly and they have even more anger when we

> > > > finally pull away for

> > > > our own safty?

> > > >

> > > > I just got off the phone w/my aunt, nada's

> > sister

> > > > whom I've always

> > > > been pretty close to and she informed me that

> > there

> > > > are two tumors on

> > > > my bp mom's liver. Nada is saying its okay and

> > just

> > > > can't be cancer

> > > > and not to worry, but my aunt is worried sick of

> > > > course. For my part,

> > > > when she mentioned it, I just said 'well she's

> > > > probably right- its

> > > > probably some growth from her gallbladder

> > surgery a

> > > > few years ago.

> > > > Better to wait and see before freaking out.' and

> > > > then I just kind of

> > > > quickly moved onto the next topic as I just have

> > NO

> > > > DESIRE to partake

> > > > in any gloom and doom conversations w/anyone in

> > my

> > > > FOO - even if

> > > > there's legitimate reasons to worry or grieve. I

> > > > just don't feel safe

> > > > sharing these emotions w/them after all the

> > > > traumatic events that

> > > > always happen in their lives. I'd just rather

> > give

> > > > it to God and let

> > > > it rest there vs engaging. I'd rather be the

> > > > insensitive Ahole that

> > > > is constantly misunderstood than to have my

> > world

> > > > turned upside down

> > > > by yet another crazy encounter with death and

> > > > morbidity and trauma

> > > > bonding.

> > > >

> > > > That said, I am a little concerned and yet in

> > the

> > > > worst case scenario

> > > > that has run in my mind these past few hours, of

> > > > nada dieing of

> > > > cancer, I just had to say to myself 'let it go.

> > Your

> > > > mother died long

> > > > ago and just be at peace with the universe.' It

> > > > sucks though- this

> > > > inner struggle and constant battle for my own

> > > > serenity. I love this

> > > > time of the year and yet this year is sad for

> > me,

> > > > much more so than

> > > > normal as I looked at my Christmas card list and

> > saw

> > > > all the good-

> > > > byes I've had to make this year. I really can't

> > > > remotely bare the

> > > > thought of calling nada and connecting with her

> > over

> > > > her own cancer

> > > > scare. It just doesn't feel remotely like what

> > is

> > > > best for me and yet

> > > > at the other side of the coin, I feel like this

> > is a

> > > > test- much like

> > > > that parable of the bridge- that instead of

> > stopping

> >

> === message truncated ===

>

> __________________________________________________

>

December 20, 2006

Happy holidays everyone,

I have been reading this thread and can relate, because the whole holiday card

issue is complicated. I sent out holiday cards to everyone, and didn't spend

too much time on it. But I got all these wierd cards, that make me tremble

before I even open the mail. I have been stashing my mail unopened on a table

and avoiding my mail. The cards that are really annoying are the ones from

fada's foo. Oh my!

I don't know why people write personal advice on holiday cards. I got this

card from fada's brother, who is so similar in fada's personality. My foo uncle

stuffs all his feelings, is the tough guy, and he married a szisophrenic woman

who he later divorced. He's married to a nice woman now, fairly normal but

unemployed. My opinion is that there is something wrong on that side of my foo,

because all the men married women who are slightly off.

So, I get this card from him that is filled with advice about how I should be

strong in life and put my troubles behind me and keep going on the track that is

my life, just keep moving forward and be successful it says. This sounds to me

like encouraging me to stuff my feelings, and I have these old feelings of

swallowing my feelings and truth, just from reading this card. Thank god I

don't have to respond, right?

I mean, what my first reaction was: I would like to respond with a letter that

details how their childhood (fada and this foo uncle) must have been messed up

because they all married crazy women. I would like to write to him a suggestion

that perhaps his mother (a grandmother I never knew) was off herself, why else

would ALL of her sons marry crazy women? I would love to write a letter like

that, and tell him that he is wrong for telling me to stuff my feelings because

I finally --after decades!!-- just got back in touch with my feelings.

I feel angry, and I know why. I am angry because I have a right to my

feelings.

So, I decided NOT to write a letter like what I was imagining, but instead to

write my feelings and my reaction to his holiday card here.

I am sure someone can relate.

Happy holidays

Walking to happines.

__________________________________________________

December 20, 2006

" I just got

back from my psychiatrist's office and he told me that

a borderline that refuses to undergo treatment is only

going to wreak havok and destruction in your life.

End the fantasy relationship; there is no real

relationship with an untreated bpd. They are that

disabled and that CRUEL. "

Wow. He really said that???

Makes me feel less guilty for what I'm doing, that's for sure.

Hope I can afford some help soon.

--LL.