Re: Great News to Share and advice anyone?

[Guest guest]

- Congratulations on the birth of your son. That is such exciting news

and I'm sure the next few months will be full of adventure.

I have often thought that if I had kids I would not want my NADA's influence on

them - and perhaps that would be the one thing that would drive her to actually

go into treatment. I can imagine it must still be difficult to be NC.

I am new to the group and still researching BPD and trying to relate it to my

mother. She is not diagnosed.

One thing jumped out to me in your email - when you referenced your NADA's 'sick

tendency to merge with me.' My mother often tries to act like me or want me to

be like her. I recently had emergency surgery and my father sent me flowers

from both of them. When I called my Dad to thank him, he replied, 'I asked for

daisies because your Mom said it was your favorite flower.' I replied that

although I like daises, it is NADA's favorite flower and not me. This is just

one example of many. It really gives me the creeps.

Although I have only looked at a few books, I have not found anything about BP

Nada's and merging. Can you explain more about what you mean when you refer to

your Nada's merging?

Thanks,

Betsy

Re: Great News to Share and advice anyone?

Kerrie and Fresabird,

Thanks so SO much for the AWESOME advice. You both confirmed what I was

already

feeling, that if I were to makesure nada got a message about the baby, it

would reallybe

only b/c of FOG and not b/c it was good for me or my family. I just needed a

reminder,

once again (terrible flea), to let myself off the hook with regards to nada's

happiness or

whatever. He is MY SON first and HER grandson LAST, I just have to keep

reminding

myself of that. I do not ever want him to be part of her sick sick

manipulations, I know

before we went NC, she basically invested all her emotional energy into this

baby b/c of

her sick tendency to merge with me, and b/c she has alienated everyone in her

life with

her twisted actions, so of course it crossed my mind how devastated she will

be when she

finds out he is here and I didn't call her. She had nothing else to look

forward to in life.

OH WELL, I refuse to bow and call her. Thanls so much for reminding me why!

In addition, thanks for the advice about not doing too much and taking the

time to bond,

etc. I know I need to hear this too, b/c I tend to be a little bit obsessive

about keeping

house--LOL you should see my hospital room! I just cannot stand clutter. But

the past

few months have been great practice for me when it comes to letting things go

a little bit

b/c I was so uncomfortable for the last 2 mos of pregnancy that I HAD to let

things go, I

just couldn't physically do it. So I am getting better about that. And I have

zero problem

accepting help so hopefully I can get some! I will certainly be sure to ask, I

know people

will come through for me if I ask them to. Or maybe I'll hire a maid for a few

months just

to do the big stuff like bathrooms and dusting and vacuuming.

Thanks again for the advice, you have no idea how much you help me!

Love,

> >

> > Hi friends! I have great news! I am writing from the hospital

> because my baby arrived

> > Christmas Eve! I enjoyed a very short labor that began at 8am, and

> I didn' get the epidural

> > until I was 8 cm dilated, so I got all the hormonal behind-the-

> blood-brain-barrier benefits

> > of natural labor (like a lower risk of postpartum depression), but

> he had to come by C-

> > section because he was so big (8lbs 14 oz!) even tho he was two

> weeks early! He is

> > perfect in every single way, and I am doing just fine, too.

> >

> > I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

> >

> > Of course, nada issues came up when a visiting friend asked " Has

> anyone told your Mom?'

> > and everything that happened the past few months came rushing

> back. But I simply

> > replied " I have no idea " and changed the subject right away. I

> wanted to say " why did you

> > feel the need to bring that up right now? " but I didn't.

> >

> > I do admit it makes me a little bit sad to see the other ladies on

> the floor with ladies I just

> > know are their Moms (you can just tell can't you?), but I am lucky

> to have a great DH and

> > MIL and SIL and brother, so that helps alot. I miss nada a little

> bit b/c I know she would

> > really be genuinely happy and gaga over my little big man, but then

> I also remind myself

> > how she would dominate every thing and make it about her, not to

> mention there would

> > be certain people who would be for sure banned from visiting

> because she hates them.

> > (Probably not a huge issue b/c none of those people are likely to

> come visit anyways, but

> > still it is nice to not have to stress about it)

> >

> > Anyway I am working through it all very well, IMO. One question

> for you guys, tho. Do

> > you think I should send a message just about the baby having come

> and that he is healthy

> > and well to nada, with no wish for contact or whatever implied? Or

> should I just let her

> > hear through the grapevine and not make sure she knows? I do not

> wish to talk to her or

> > have any contact but part of me wants her to at least know he was

> born.

> >

> > What do you guys think? I truly trust your instincts on this one,

> this is totally new to me

> > (first baby).

> >

> > Merry Christmas!!!

> >

> > Love

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

! Congratulations! That is so awesome! What a wonderful

Christmas blessing! C-sections are hard but in the end it is

sometimes better IMO (I had 2 because of complications) But now you

have the chance to heal and people will be supportive and they will

know your body went though stress and they will help you when you

need it.

If I were in your shoes, Obviously I am not and this is entirely

your choice, but I would not contact my mom. I have had 2 surgeries

since going n/c one elective and one emergency and both times I made

sure not to contact my mom and told the people around me not to tell

my mom. Of course this was not a birth but I think the time of birth

is so delicate on you and on your baby the time is so precious and

so short. I wish I could do it over and not be disturbed during that

time. They know no boundaries and respect nothing. If she did find

out and knew you did not want to hear from her would she honestly

respect you? Or would she think oh I need to be there, she needs me,

this is our time to reconcile. And then this could make matters

worse! Just food for thought. I know it is sooo hard when you want

your mom, but take advantage of the other loving souls around you.

See how they love you and the baby. They will pamper you and baby

better than mom ever will. You can find the love of a mother outside

of " mother " .

All my blessings to your baby and you and your family. You will be a

great mom to him. Love Lizzy

>

> Hi friends! I have great news! I am writing from the hospital

because my baby arrived

> Christmas Eve! I enjoyed a very short labor that began at 8am,

and I didn' get the epidural

> until I was 8 cm dilated, so I got all the hormonal behind-the-

blood-brain-barrier benefits

> of natural labor (like a lower risk of postpartum depression), but

he had to come by C-

> section because he was so big (8lbs 14 oz!) even tho he was two

weeks early! He is

> perfect in every single way, and I am doing just fine, too.

>

> I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

>

> Of course, nada issues came up when a visiting friend asked " Has

anyone told your Mom?'

> and everything that happened the past few months came rushing

back. But I simply

> replied " I have no idea " and changed the subject right away. I

wanted to say " why did you

> feel the need to bring that up right now? " but I didn't.

>

> I do admit it makes me a little bit sad to see the other ladies on

the floor with ladies I just

> know are their Moms (you can just tell can't you?), but I am lucky

to have a great DH and

> MIL and SIL and brother, so that helps alot. I miss nada a little

bit b/c I know she would

> really be genuinely happy and gaga over my little big man, but

then I also remind myself

> how she would dominate every thing and make it about her, not to

mention there would

> be certain people who would be for sure banned from visiting

because she hates them.

> (Probably not a huge issue b/c none of those people are likely to

come visit anyways, but

> still it is nice to not have to stress about it)

>

> Anyway I am working through it all very well, IMO. One question

for you guys, tho. Do

> you think I should send a message just about the baby having come

and that he is healthy

> and well to nada, with no wish for contact or whatever implied?

Or should I just let her

> hear through the grapevine and not make sure she knows? I do

not wish to talk to her or

> have any contact but part of me wants her to at least know he was

born.

>

> What do you guys think? I truly trust your instincts on this one,

this is totally new to me

> (first baby).

>

> Merry Christmas!!!

>

> Love

>

>

[Guest guest]

- CONGRATULATIONS!!!! That is such a wonderful blessing and Sam has a

great Mom!!

As far as telling your nada, the weird thing about doing so, in my experiences

I've seen within my family and others, is that the nada's don't always respond

the way that we think they will. The second thing is that it VERY QUICKLY turns

into ALL ABOUT THEM. The third and most painful, the FANTASY mom is DEAD. The

real one is a self-absorbed SOB, that is angry as hell and just waiting to go

off on someone. Protect yourself and your new family!

BIG HUG!!

Greg.

Great News to Share and advice anyone?

Hi friends! I have great news! I am writing from the hospital because my baby

arrived

Christmas Eve! I enjoyed a very short labor that began at 8am, and I didn' get

the epidural

until I was 8 cm dilated, so I got all the hormonal behind-the-blood-

brain-barrier benefits

of natural labor (like a lower risk of postpartum depression), but he had to

come by C-

section because he was so big (8lbs 14 oz!) even tho he was two weeks early! He

is

perfect in every single way, and I am doing just fine, too.

I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

Of course, nada issues came up when a visiting friend asked " Has anyone told

your Mom?'

and everything that happened the past few months came rushing back. But I simply

replied " I have no idea " and changed the subject right away. I wanted to say

" why did you

feel the need to bring that up right now? " but I didn't.

I do admit it makes me a little bit sad to see the other ladies on the floor

with ladies I just

know are their Moms (you can just tell can't you?), but I am lucky to have a

great DH and

MIL and SIL and brother, so that helps alot. I miss nada a little bit b/c I know

she would

really be genuinely happy and gaga over my little big man, but then I also

remind myself

how she would dominate every thing and make it about her, not to mention there

would

be certain people who would be for sure banned from visiting because she hates

them.

(Probably not a huge issue b/c none of those people are likely to come visit

anyways, but

still it is nice to not have to stress about it)

Anyway I am working through it all very well, IMO. One question for you guys,

tho. Do

you think I should send a message just about the baby having come and that he is

healthy

and well to nada, with no wish for contact or whatever implied? Or should I just

let her

hear through the grapevine and not make sure she knows? I do not wish to talk to

her or

have any contact but part of me wants her to at least know he was born.

What do you guys think? I truly trust your instincts on this one, this is

totally new to me

(first baby).

Merry Christmas!!!

Love

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi and All,

, CONGRATULATIONS to you and your dh! Enjoy the

moments. As others have shared, they go fast!

I agree with the others about keeping NC, NC. A

boundary is a boundary. Please keep protecting

yourself and your family FIRST.

I want to thank all you ladies for allowing men like

me to be a little part of your joy, and for the

privilege of hearing some of your joys, sorrows,

problems and successes with your pregnancies and

births. It helps me to better understand those

things, especially from your KO perspective. After

all, I don't get to have that experience because I'm

One Non-BP Recovering Man

--- lizzyboo81 wrote:

> ! Congratulations! That is so awesome! What a

> wonderful

> Christmas blessing! C-sections are hard but in the

> end it is

> sometimes better IMO (I had 2 because of

> complications) But now you

> have the chance to heal and people will be

> supportive and they will

> know your body went though stress and they will help

> you when you

> need it.

>

> If I were in your shoes, Obviously I am not and

> this is entirely

> your choice, but I would not contact my mom. I have

> had 2 surgeries

> since going n/c one elective and one emergency and

> both times I made

> sure not to contact my mom and told the people

> around me not to tell

> my mom. Of course this was not a birth but I think

> the time of birth

> is so delicate on you and on your baby the time is

> so precious and

> so short. I wish I could do it over and not be

> disturbed during that

> time. They know no boundaries and respect nothing.

> If she did find

> out and knew you did not want to hear from her would

> she honestly

> respect you? Or would she think oh I need to be

> there, she needs me,

> this is our time to reconcile. And then this could

> make matters

> worse! Just food for thought. I know it is sooo hard

> when you want

> your mom, but take advantage of the other loving

> souls around you.

> See how they love you and the baby. They will

> pamper you and baby

> better than mom ever will. You can find the love of

> a mother outside

> of " mother " .

>

> All my blessings to your baby and you and your

> family. You will be a

> great mom to him. Love Lizzy

>

>

> >

> > Hi friends! I have great news! I am writing from

> the hospital

> because my baby arrived

> > Christmas Eve! I enjoyed a very short labor that

> began at 8am,

> and I didn' get the epidural

> > until I was 8 cm dilated, so I got all the

> hormonal behind-the-

> blood-brain-barrier benefits

> > of natural labor (like a lower risk of postpartum

> depression), but

> he had to come by C-

> > section because he was so big (8lbs 14 oz!) even

> tho he was two

> weeks early! He is

> > perfect in every single way, and I am doing just

> fine, too.

> >

> > I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

> >

> > Of course, nada issues came up when a visiting

> friend asked " Has

> anyone told your Mom?'

> > and everything that happened the past few months

> came rushing

> back. But I simply

> > replied " I have no idea " and changed the subject

> right away. I

> wanted to say " why did you

> > feel the need to bring that up right now? " but I

> didn't.

> >

> > I do admit it makes me a little bit sad to see the

> other ladies on

> the floor with ladies I just

> > know are their Moms (you can just tell can't

> you?), but I am lucky

> to have a great DH and

> > MIL and SIL and brother, so that helps alot. I

> miss nada a little

> bit b/c I know she would

> > really be genuinely happy and gaga over my little

> big man, but

> then I also remind myself

> > how she would dominate every thing and make it

> about her, not to

> mention there would

> > be certain people who would be for sure banned

> from visiting

> because she hates them.

> > (Probably not a huge issue b/c none of those

> people are likely to

> come visit anyways, but

> > still it is nice to not have to stress about it)

> >

> > Anyway I am working through it all very well, IMO.

> One question

> for you guys, tho. Do

> > you think I should send a message just about the

> baby having come

> and that he is healthy

> > and well to nada, with no wish for contact or

> whatever implied?

> Or should I just let her

> > hear through the grapevine and not make sure she

> knows? I do

> not wish to talk to her or

> > have any contact but part of me wants her to at

> least know he was

> born.

> >

> > What do you guys think? I truly trust your

> instincts on this one,

> this is totally new to me

> > (first baby).

> >

> > Merry Christmas!!!

> >

> > Love

> >

> >

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

,

CONGRATS, CONGRATS!!!! That is awesome you had a short labor! Not

getting the epidural till 8cm is amazing... that's how far I was when

I had mine and by then I was about to kill someone.

Awesome!

I'm sure he is perfect in everyway... how awesome! What a Christmas

gift!

I am sorry about the mixed feelings of sadness being there... it's

hard, isn't it? Very hard.

Well, as for advice, I'm in a similar situation. I posted about

this... I found out I'm pregnant again about two weeks ago. I decided

that since I was NC w/ nada, I was nc, and despite my mixed feelings,

DH and I decided to not tell nada, and to let it reach her through

the grapevine, which I think it did. As for the rest of the pregnant

and birth (though it's months down the road), I think we'll just stay

NC unless she chooses to break it, which, as DH said, " the ball is in

your court. (to nada) " Anyway, I'm not saying don't tell her, but I

am saying that if you chose to do that, you have the right to make

that choice, and the MOST important thing right now is to enjoy your

baby, enjoy this sweet time, and don't let her make it about her.

Don't let her ruin it. Protect this time, and protect your little

one. If that means you can still let her know, and you want to, then

that may be the best choice. But only you can determine that. I'm

hesistant to say either way what to do, because situations can be

different (even though our nadas sound alike on many levels). Just

know that your first and foremost responsibility is not to tell nada,

but it is to be there for your little one, protect him, and cherish

the time w/ your family.

Merry Christmas , and keep us posted.

Love, Grace

>

> Hi friends! I have great news! I am writing from the hospital

because my baby arrived

> Christmas Eve! I enjoyed a very short labor that began at 8am, and

I didn' get the epidural

> until I was 8 cm dilated, so I got all the hormonal behind-the-

blood-brain-barrier benefits

> of natural labor (like a lower risk of postpartum depression), but

he had to come by C-

> section because he was so big (8lbs 14 oz!) even tho he was two

weeks early! He is

> perfect in every single way, and I am doing just fine, too.

>

> I am happier than I ever thought I could be.

>

> Of course, nada issues came up when a visiting friend asked " Has

anyone told your Mom?'

> and everything that happened the past few months came rushing

back. But I simply

> replied " I have no idea " and changed the subject right away. I

wanted to say " why did you

> feel the need to bring that up right now? " but I didn't.

>

> I do admit it makes me a little bit sad to see the other ladies on

the floor with ladies I just

> know are their Moms (you can just tell can't you?), but I am lucky

to have a great DH and

> MIL and SIL and brother, so that helps alot. I miss nada a little

bit b/c I know she would

> really be genuinely happy and gaga over my little big man, but then

I also remind myself

> how she would dominate every thing and make it about her, not to

mention there would

> be certain people who would be for sure banned from visiting

because she hates them.

> (Probably not a huge issue b/c none of those people are likely to

come visit anyways, but

> still it is nice to not have to stress about it)

>

> Anyway I am working through it all very well, IMO. One question

for you guys, tho. Do

> you think I should send a message just about the baby having come

and that he is healthy

> and well to nada, with no wish for contact or whatever implied? Or

should I just let her

> hear through the grapevine and not make sure she knows? I do not

wish to talk to her or

> have any contact but part of me wants her to at least know he was

born.

>

> What do you guys think? I truly trust your instincts on this one,

this is totally new to me

> (first baby).

>

> Merry Christmas!!!

>

> Love

>

>