Good Daughter (formerly New to group)

[Guest guest]

Rhonda,

The only way I know to make a nada love/like you is to annihilate

yourself. I did this for many years but as soon as I would assert a

need or interest separate from hers, I was despicable and hateful in

her eyes. Most recently, when I went to help her after she had an

accident, I was being consistently kind and thoughtful, though

distant. The distance was unacceptable to her. She ended up saying

(screaming) she was ashamed of me, I was low and dirty, etc. and

indicated I was stealing things from the house.

My sister, who did not annihilate herself since childhood as I had,

heard these kinds of things since she was little. This infuriates me

because she was the most adorable, fun-loving, lively, intelligent

child I can imagine. I think all these things are what made my nada

act against her. My sister was so wonderful and independent, she was

a threat to my nada.

For me, I have felt guilty my whole life - that I was selfish for

ultimately pursuing my own passions and interests that did not

involve my parents. My nada has told me I abandoned her and broke

her heart since the time I started to separate. What a long process

it has been. And the more independent I have become, the more I

receive her accusations and rage.

Maybe it would be good for you to bring nurturing people into your

life that are capable of seeing your goodness in a way your nada is

not? Maybe there are women's bible study or other connections

(outreach/retreat/hiking/etc) in your area? Our life energy is a gift

and if our parents are not capable of receiving and sharing it, we

should find other experiences and people that can.

Thank you for posting and being so open and candid.

Caitlyn

Hello Dee and buscar4,

your comments have been really helpful to me. I am struggling with

the guilt of not being a " good daughter " . I went to a counselor in

7/06 because of issues I was having and when it boiled down to it, it

was my BPD mom. I had never heard of the term and she has never been

diagnosed. Once I started researching BPD, all my questions were

answered, except one that came up...What did I do to make her not

like me? I know this is a silly question but as my therapist said,

the inner child still wants her mommy to love her. I am 37 years

old, any suggestions on how to get over that feeling? I have a

supportive husband and a great 3 year old, but there are times when

that feeling just overwhelms me that I am not loveable. Also, I

don't know if you are spiritual people, but I am a Christian and I

know the basis of the belief is love. I have always believed in the

faith, but now I know why I never really understood or felt loved by

Christ either. My therapist has said to

treat myself and do things like I did when I was a teenager with

buying smelly lotions and just playing with my daughter like a kid,

but the feeling still are overwhelming at times. I did send my

parents a letter yesterday asking alot of questions and stating that

I didn't understand stuff, which I know was stupid to send a nada,

but I had to do it for myself. For myself also, to feel better I

have had to just stop communicating with her, which in return makes

me feel guilty, but I don't have to have the fear of what is coming

next.

thanks to all