Re: Good Daughter (formerly New to group)

[Guest guest]

Dee,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the reference to " How to Hug

a Porcupine " and have ordered it.

You are exactly right that it is the disingenuousness of having to

give affection I do not feel that is so hard. I do not understand

why this is so hard. I know my mother is not well and that her life

hardly intersects mine, so why can't I act just a little? I only

know I get a pit in my stomach even writing about putting on the

act. Maybe it has to do with the excessive closeness she has wanted

with me and my sibs feels kind of incestuous.

My nada is also waif/queen but with some witch also.

Are all of your sisters okay or have any of them struggled more than

others? How has your journey been together in learning to understand

your nada and how to deal with her?

Thanks again for your reply. I am happy you have found peace with

your nada's life and appreciate that you keep visiting here to share

with others.

Caitlyn

Hi buscar4, Yes, I know just what you are talking about. My mother

was a waif/queen and was constantly complaining and asking for

sympathy, affection, reassurance that I loved her. I used to say I

did love her I just didn't like her. I think there was truth in that.

I did love her. Not everything about her was unlovable. She was a

very high functioning BP who I think really tried to do what she

thought was best. She just couldn't ever see life as it really was.

It was always colored by the waif/queen glasses she wore. My mom

wasn't much of a witch although she had a lot of anger. But not much

ranting/raving was ever done. She worked through FOG, with a big

emphasis on the O and G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) This fact only

made it harder to not believe something was wrong with me, that I

really was responsible for all the times she said I hurt her deeply.

I think that is why it took so long in my lifetime to figure things

out.

I finally was able to get over the anxious feelings whenever I knew I

was going to see her. It hardened me a bit, but I don't feel guilt

over that. I had to survive.

My sisters and I would always say all she wants is sympathy--a

comodity we all ran out of years ago. Our supply of it just finally

vanished. I remember a day she kept whining over and over saying she

neede me to love her. I had already told her I did, but I guess I

wasn't very convincing. Finally I told her that you can't demand

love. She took a breath, paused, and agreed with me. That at least

ended the uncomfortable moments for that day.

I think one of the problems of being with her was that I had to comply

with whatever she was saying, thinking, whatever. It made me feel

that I wasn't being true to myself. I was being false. Trying to

give affection when it isn't really felt feels like a lie. It is so

hard. I have understanding of how hard this is for you. I, too,

often felt after going to help her that what ensued was so

uncomfortable tht I wish I hadn't gone. But now that she is gone, I

am glad I still went and tried to do what I could for her. How she

chose to interpret my help was her problem. Not mine. I had to learn

to measure my success by meeting my own goals with her and not what

she wanted. What she wanted was impossible.

Once quite a while ago I posted the analogy from How to Hug a

Porcupine that helped me to feel alright about myself. It said that

trying to meed the needs of a toxic person (BP) were just like

standing at the rim of the Grand Canyon and trying to fill it up with

a squirt gun. The difference was that the Grand Canyon has a

bottom!!!!!! That imagery always helped me. Hope it will help you.

Also the idea of meeting my own goals of what a good daughter would do

came from How to Hug a Porcupine by Lund.

My best to you, Dee

[Guest guest]

<<<I only

>know I get a pit in my stomach even writing about putting on the

>act. Maybe it has to do with the excessive closeness she has wanted

>with me and my sibs feels kind of incestuous.>>>

I just wanted to comment about this statement. I also felt icky at

the closeness she wanted. Way back when I was growing up I remember

not liking to have her touch me. It wasn't a constant thing and felt

uncomfortable when she did. Of course, it made me feel like something

was wrong with me that I had those feelings. Now, I finally

understand that even though I didn't know anything about BPD, I always

knew something was not OK with her. I remember responding with the

same kinds of feelings when I would awaken in the morning and hear her

on the phone with one of her friends. She had a totally different

voice for them. It seemed so phony to me. I was very young when I

felt that. She was such an actress. Her tone and demeanor changed

for each role she would play.

As far as closeness, I think of it as feeling smothered. My one

sister and I always spoke of being with her as having all your blood

sucked out, and your marrow too. Being around her drained us of all

energy. No wonder we dreaded it. But her hold on us made us feel too

guilty to ever say no to a request to spend time with her. It is all

so complicated. Makes me tired just to remember how I felt back then.

Dee

[Guest guest]

I too used to get a horrible, creepy feeling when " putting on the act "

- trying to be affectionate when I wasn't feeling it. For me, I think

now that that feeling comes from the fact that I am violating my own

boundaries by acting something I do not feel.

That unhealthy closeness they want is definitely incestuous - it's

" emotional incest " . It's the kind of closeness they should be sharing

with a partner - but unfortunately due to their inappropriate

behaviour they cannot get those needs met in such a relationship. And

unfortunately for us, we're the available replacements. And our

wanting to please and help them (putting their needs first) enables

them in this unhealthy behaviour.

just some thoughts,

>

>

> Hi buscar4, Yes, I know just what you are talking about. My mother

> was a waif/queen and was constantly complaining and asking for

> sympathy, affection, reassurance that I loved her. I used to say I

> did love her I just didn't like her. I think there was truth in that.

> I did love her. Not everything about her was unlovable. She was a

> very high functioning BP who I think really tried to do what she

> thought was best. She just couldn't ever see life as it really was.

> It was always colored by the waif/queen glasses she wore. My mom

> wasn't much of a witch although she had a lot of anger. But not much

> ranting/raving was ever done. She worked through FOG, with a big

> emphasis on the O and G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) This fact only

> made it harder to not believe something was wrong with me, that I

> really was responsible for all the times she said I hurt her deeply.

> I think that is why it took so long in my lifetime to figure things

> out.

>

> I finally was able to get over the anxious feelings whenever I knew I

> was going to see her. It hardened me a bit, but I don't feel guilt

> over that. I had to survive.

>

> My sisters and I would always say all she wants is sympathy--a

> comodity we all ran out of years ago. Our supply of it just finally

> vanished. I remember a day she kept whining over and over saying she

> neede me to love her. I had already told her I did, but I guess I

> wasn't very convincing. Finally I told her that you can't demand

> love. She took a breath, paused, and agreed with me. That at least

> ended the uncomfortable moments for that day.

>

> I think one of the problems of being with her was that I had to comply

> with whatever she was saying, thinking, whatever. It made me feel

> that I wasn't being true to myself. I was being false. Trying to

> give affection when it isn't really felt feels like a lie. It is so

> hard. I have understanding of how hard this is for you. I, too,

> often felt after going to help her that what ensued was so

> uncomfortable tht I wish I hadn't gone. But now that she is gone, I

> am glad I still went and tried to do what I could for her. How she

> chose to interpret my help was her problem. Not mine. I had to learn

> to measure my success by meeting my own goals with her and not what

> she wanted. What she wanted was impossible.

>

> Once quite a while ago I posted the analogy from How to Hug a

> Porcupine that helped me to feel alright about myself. It said that

> trying to meed the needs of a toxic person (BP) were just like

> standing at the rim of the Grand Canyon and trying to fill it up with

> a squirt gun. The difference was that the Grand Canyon has a

> bottom!!!!!! That imagery always helped me. Hope it will help you.

>

> Also the idea of meeting my own goals of what a good daughter would do

> came from How to Hug a Porcupine by Lund.

>

> My best to you, Dee

>