BPD times TWO equals disaster

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone and happy holidays!!

Well it's the holiday's and it's that time of year that I think most of us

dread. This is my husband and my first year that we have gone completely NC

with his family. It's been a long time coming, but finally....FINALLY....my

husband saw the light this past fall and broke ties. It took 15 years, but

better late than never. For months we've gone over and over and over OTHER

ways to explain what " no contact " means. Finally we figured out that it

wasn't our explainations that was the problem...it was just blatent

disregard for boundries. Disregard for boundries...I don't know what took

us so long to see it....i mean that is what led to the no contact....duh.

She understood what our decision was....she just didn't care. It reminds me

of a kid sticking their fingers in their ears and yelling " LALALALALA....I

CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! LALALALALA " Both my husband and my mother are BPD....his

mother the queen...my mother the waif...it's very difficult to juggle both

of them. My MIL has called my house several times, from several different

numbers since we have gone NC...y'all know the drill...we've all been there.

..done that. Finally, about 2 weeks ago my husband called her once again to

put her in her place for the 3rd or 4th time, and she said " so your not

coming for Christmas " ? My husband said " no...no Christmas no nothing no...i

want no contact with you, and the kids want no contact with you " (He

actually did quite well. Repeating the same emotionless phrases...I was in

awe of his strength.) She said " how about Christmas eve, you're still doing

that though, right? " again....he said " no...i want no contact with you, and

the kids want no contact with you. " There was a 10 second pause....then

she said " but you are still going to buy me a present, right? " The look on

my husband's face was priceless...he kept up repeating his " no...i want

nothing to do with you " speech. After about 3 minutes the conversation was

over, and my husband and shared a sigh of relief. Our only obstacle was

that last Christmas we did attend his family's Christmas gathering, and we

swapped names for Christmas. We decided way too late that we wouldn't

attend this year's gathering, and the names we drew were the names of a

cousin and Aunt who we respected. We didn't want them to be part of the

collateral damage of her sickness....but not fulfilling our agreement to

swap names would just give her more amunition against us....because let's

face it...the war is never COMPLETELY over. We decided we would buy 3 gift

cards.....one for the cousin and aunt, and one for a nephew who is only 10..

..i bought the gift cards and stuck them in an envelope and mailed them to

his Aunt's house....certified of course. I have to admit, I felt horrible.

I felt like I was throwing the baby out with the bath water....i actually

sat at the post office and cried for almost 20 minutes. A couple days later

my husband lifted my spirits though...he was actually giddy about Christmas

for the first time ever. He said it was so nice to have a Christmas he

could enjoy....not dreading the obligations his mother made us feel. It's

been awesome....we've had a stress free holiday....we've gone to the movies.

..for the first time in 15 years we have spent the entire holiday on OUR

terms. Last night we went out to dinner and did some extra shopping. We

were even commenting about what a great week we've had...and then it

happened.

When we pulled up in the drive-way last night we noticed a car in the

drive-way that looked ALOT like my cousin's car. He is my daughter's

god-father and since she will be 16 tomorrow we all jumped to the conclusion

that he had driven in (with my god-daughter) to surprise us. My husband and

I took our packages into our house and sent our kids on over to nada's. As

I was walking down our sidewalk, my daughter came running up....as soon as i

saw her face, my stomach sank. She grabbed my arm and pulled me back in the

house and said " ok....PLEASE, please don't say anything...please don't be

mad....it's not Uncle ....it's mom-mom and papa...and they brought our

Christmas presents " I was livid....my poor husband looked like a deer in

the headlights...I just sat on my front porch and cried. Against my better

judgement, I allowed my girls to go over to visit with all of them for about

10 minutes....and now I feel like I have undone everything we have worked so

hard for. Of course this morning I had a 5 minute message left for me by

nada....dressing me down because our rift with them " made her very

uncomfortable. " She said that my father-in-law cornered my father about us

going no contact with them. He told my father that my MIL cried all of

Christmas day and we totally ruined Christmas because none of us showed up.

(Which she was TOLD over 3 weeks ago!...why was it such a big shock?....what

do you know....now that all of her family is around her, she is such a

victim all of a sudden....inconsolable...yeah right!) Nada is saying that

this little conversation with my father in law is " probably going to end up

causing my father to have a heart attack now...and then he will die and she

will lose everything because i'm being a brat. " I'm a brat? Is that even

possible? I'm a 37 year old woman trying to protect my children....and that

makes me a brat? My husband is back to being a dishrag again...he won't

even DISCUSS the event. I want to give him some time to wrap his head around

it, but as a parting shot last night, my father-in-law handed both of my

girls his business card and told them " the next time that they don't do what

you want, call me and i will get you both out of there. " Now my already

spoiled 16 year old daughter keeps saying " you have to do what i want, or i

m calling papa " ...i just told her " go right ahead....call " , but this needs

to be handled sooner rather than later. I'm not worried about him doing

anything with my kids....i'm a good mom and we have provided a safe, solid

home for my kids...he's not taking them anywhere. He won't even call them

to wish them a happy birthday. I'm actually MORE concerned about them

expecting him to pick them up and spoiling them and dealing with their

disappointment when he DOESN'T ride to the rescue. How is it that they

manage to completely ruin the holidays...within just 10 minutes?

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny