Re: Post-holiday blues

[Guest guest]

Dear Search4, What you are describing is enmeshment. I was very

enmeshed with my mother. I was her youngest and grew up feeling

responsible for it any and every time my mother was 'deeply hurt'.

She found things committed or ommitted by me all the time to be

'deeply hurt' by. This became much worse as her age increased. I was

60 years old before I learned about BPD. My mother was very much a

waif/queen. These are BPD types described in Understanding The

Borderline Mother by e Lawson. The waif is the proverbial

victim and life is unfair and hard, no one has it as hard as the

waif. The queen is the entitled one. She believes she is entitled to

have everyone else taking care of and worrying about her. She figures

we OWE her.

When I first began to post here I felt very sneaky and guilty. I was

sure my mother would somehow know, or that even if she didn't I must

be a bad person to write about my own mother here. Over time and with

a lot of study and work on myself I began to set limits with my mother

and did lots of self talk to believe in my gut that I wasn't

responsible for her emotions....that I could be happy even if she

wasn't. I repeated the three C's from Stop Walking On Eggshells

(SWOE) to myself many times each day as I dealt with her. They are: 1

I didn't Cause her problem. 2 I can't Cure her 3 I can't Change

her. These were easy to get intellectually, but getting my gut to

believe it so I didn't have that gripping sick feeling in my stomach

took time, a lot of time. But I arrived. I finally got myself

unenmeshed from her.

There was much anger and sadness and many other emotions as I worked

through this. It wasn't a straight up path either. I slid back at

times and had to re-read and re-learn to think more healthily. It can

be done. You will get there if you just don't give up. Best to you, Dee

>

> I've had many mini-lightbulb moments. It seems after Christmas each

> year I hit a low and have to reach a new level of understanding what

> our family has experienced.

>

> But after reading posts on this message board,

> I have had a big light-bulb moment. I know for sure that I must do

> what will help me, and not hurt me.

>

> I am through crying for something I cannot change. What is scary,

> is, now that I can do things just for ME, it is hard to. My mother

> used to enter every part of my life -- my writing, my art, my

> belongings, and find weak spots.

>

> I have to let myself be a person, with my own feelings and projects,

> and not be afriad. I live so afraid of being a burden, of making

> someone mad, of hurting someone. That comes from being the blame for

> all mom's headaches, stomachaches, mental breakdowns, and so forth.

>

> I... I...

> I want to hear from others that feel guilty for wanting to have a

> life. My whole life was spent wondering: What can I do for her

> today to help her feel better? What can I do this hour, this

> evening, that will help her to be happy so I can be happy? when the

> solution will never be found because the BPD person is the only one

> that can control his/her life. This is still hard to get my mind

> around, but I know that I deserve a chance to make my own life

> choices, and let others live with their life choices.

>

> Just the act of doing this, talking about myself, makes me feel

> very, very uncomfortable. It seems selfish, disloyal, although my

> logical mind says its not.

>

> Not giving up,

>

[Guest guest]

Dee,

Thank you soo much. I have felt really stupid for not learning

about this sooner, angry that I have put my husband thru this, and

children. Those feelings are what keep sneaking up on me. Last

night, when I happened onto this site, I felt free for the FIRST

time in my life that I could talk to someone who understands, and

can talk freely without HER finding out and retaliating.

You really have no idea what this means to me as I am at a real

turning point in my life. I have blamed myself (as that is what I

was taught to do) for everything unpleasant that happened to her.

She alternates between a waif and a queen. She thinks that our

whole county owes her absolute respect and some sort of allegiance.

In the past ten years it has become much worse, earlier there were

some calm periods.

WInter is the worst, as she has always had more symptoms during the

winter months, and when spring rolls around she would get busier and

leave me alone. When it got to be a year-round thing, I just

couldn't take it anymore.

It is a slow process but with more information, I will get there!!

Thanks,

not guilty,

my real name is

Thanks!!!!