OT==a few cute jokes

[Guest guest]

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her

car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her

situation to the dispatcher: " They've stolen the stereo, the

steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.

The dispatcher said, " Stay calm. An officer is on the way. " A few

minutes later, the officer radios in.

" Disregard. " He says. " She got in the back-seat by mistake. "

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FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One

night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and

pauses. She yells to the other sisters, " Was I getting in or out of

the bath? "

The 94 year old yells back, " I don't know. I'll come up and see. "

She starts up the stairs and pauses " Was I going up the stairs or

down? "

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening

to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, " I sure hope I never get that

forgetful, knock on wood. " She then yells, " I'll come up and help

both of you as soon as I see who's at the door. "

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" I CAN HEAR JUST FINE! "

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, " Windy, isn't it? " " No, " the

second man replied, " it's Thursday. " And the third man chimed

in, " So am I. Let's have a beer. "

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LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing

home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown

and say " Supersex. " She walked up to an elderly man in a

wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, " Supersex. "

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, " I'll take

the soup. "

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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, " Anyone who

can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!! "

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, " An elephant? "

Bessie thinks a minute and says, " Close enough. "

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OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and

adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a

few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the

other and said, " Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been

friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name!

I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me

what your name is. "

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just

stared and glared at her. Finally she said, " How soon do you need

to know? "

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone

rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning

him, " Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the

wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful! "

" Heck, " said Herman, " It's not just one car. It's hundreds of

them! "

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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could

barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they

came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went

on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself " I must be losing

it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light. "

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the

light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had

been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was

getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they

went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and

said, " Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red

lights in a row? You could have killed us both! "

Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh, crap, am I driving? "

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