Re: Short version of the situation with my mom and son...

December 12, 2006

Penny... I'm sorry what you are going thru with your mother and your son. Even

though all of us have a first thought of jumping to your defence, and running

with that.. the mother in me has another thought on this. I started to think..

what if my 14 year old says this.. or says it to me as an adult. I would

definitely be devestated. But. I would break my back to find out why he felt

that way. What was it that I did or didn't do in his mind... that made him feel

that way. Feelings aren't fact. But everyone's feelings are real. How he

feels is completely real. It may not be based on anything you purposely did..

but they ARE his feelings. And the consequences to his life are real. I would

not want my son to face consequences in his life because of anything I may have

done. One thing our children face, is being the child of chronically ill

parents. That's not easy. My mom was my BEST friend. But she was chronically

ill. It changed my view of her, of me, and of the world. I lived in constant

fear of her dying, or maybe killing herself, of me being abandoned, etc. These

were not her fault.. but they were real feelings, caused by her being sick.

Your son may be reacting to stuff like that. And responding in anger. (anger

comes from fear). Anyway... I'm not blaming you.. hope you see that from the

above. But I think as parents... we need to step outside of ourselves, and our

own pain.. for our children. I would do whatever it took, to help my son

overcome whatever he felt had occured. And hey.. sometimes as parents we screw

up. We do the best we can, and if we knew better, we'd DO better.

That's my take. I'd hate for this to get so out of control, you and he don't

repair the damage. Several here may disagree with me.. but I think it is OUR

job, as the parents, to do anything we can, to help our kids, regardless of

their age. His feelings are real.. and maybe working thru them, and setting

aside your hurt, and dealing with it with your minister, or a friend.. and

dealing with your son and HIS hurt.. is the way to go.

No flaming please.

Sandie

December 12, 2006

Penny,

WOW, this leaves me almost speechless. At least for a few moments anyway. Bless

your heart. Such cutting words from your son. And your mother, wow. How old is

your son, if you don't mind me asking. Boy it is so hard to take when our

children lash out at us. Even when they tell us in anger or pain that they hate

us. My 15 yr old has done this on many occasions. It's hard to let it just roll

off, but that is what we have to do sometimes. I know that my son loves me and I

know that when he has said that in the past, it isn't me he hates, it's his

behavior and the consequence of the behavior he really hates and he realizes

this after he cools off. Sometimes he'll even apologize for it. I won't ask for

an apology though. I want it to be heart felt and him to mean it. And that can't

happen if I ask for it or tell him I think one is in order.

Is your son in any kind of counseling? It sure sounds like he has some horrible

anger and pain issues, emotional pain that is and he is blaming all of it on

you. You are the closest loved one to him and that is how it works Penny. We

always blame and take it out on the ones closest to us. Perhaps your Mother is

even mad at herself for things she has done to you or not done for you over the

years, and she doesn't know how to express such things? I'm not taking their

sides by any means, nor am I discounting your feelings. It is all very valid.

But perhaps realizing that it isn't YOU that is causing any of this will help

ease your pain a little bit?

Gosh your son is really struggling right now. God less him. I'm praying for you

and your family still Penny and will continue to do so. Peace and harmony will

come, just wait and see.

Gentle hugs,

~Tommie

Short version of the situation with my mom and son...

Good Morning,

A lot of the time, when I post, I am just sharing, but I was

overwhelmed with the kindness in the posts during my recent crisis

situation with my son and mom. I did not even post all the crushing

details and I got responses. Short version: My mom said that my

last visit(I stayed three overnights and I thought it was an

excellant visit, back in September) made her so ill that she thought

she was going to die and for that reason she does not want us to

stay with her the two nights that we will be in the area on Dec 28

and 29. Think about it...my mom thinks my mere presence will make

her die.

Short version on my son: I gave his address to the minister of the

church(he has known since he was 5 and confirmed ) to

start the process of removing him from the membership of the church.

was deeply offended that I gave out his address, demanded an

apology, accused me of giving his address out to have the minister

shame him and told me to tell the minister to " kiss his ass, " Of

course, I said that I would not apologize and I was upset and

offended by his e-mail and by the time was done responding

he said that I was a hyprocite, a phony Christian and the reason he

did not go to church. He said that my illness was just an act to

get people to feel sorry for me and that I was not an authentic

person.

I told him that I was saddened and upset by his opinion of me and

that he was showing me a lack of respect and he said there was

nothing to respect...Then I got really mad and I finally said that

we need to calm down and talk in a few days in a civilised matter

and he said that I need to calm down and apologize for all the hate

that I have spewed!!!Huh???

Anyway, sorry for the long post and I just wanted to put it into a

post now that I have calmed down enough to write it. Penny

December 12, 2006

Gosh Penny, I can't imagine what you are going through with your son.

But I do understand the Mother part somewhat. As I posted earlier I think, I

lost my brother 3 years ago. And Mama has more or less willed herself to die. I

Can't even begin to think how heartbroken Mama must be. But I am the child left

behind. and I have 2 kids. and Daddy is very much alive. Are we not enough to

live for??? Beth and me went to my parents this morning and we stayed about 3

1\2 hours I know my Daddy gets very lonesome. And he and Beth had really bonded

since my Brother passed away. Anyway that is another story. What I am getting.

Within 10 minutes of us being there. Mama was in the medicine cabinet getting

her pain pill, soma, and Ativan. " she already takes the Ativan 3 times a day. "

So she went to her bedroom closed the door and got in the bed and we didn't see

anymore of her. Now had I been my brother. Even before he got sick. there is no

way she would have left him..... Hope this makes sense. My Mama didn't tell me

not to come. She just went to the bedroom and closed the door.

Jena

~:~Jena~:~

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