Re: lost

[Guest guest]

You are not 'lost' Laurel; you have just 'misplaced' your SELF; perhaps lost

sight of who you are when not defined by your mother.

You are on the right path; your self is not that far away from where you

are. Keep on keeping on.

Any input from your mother's therapist is going to be from her perspective,

you already know that her therapist works for HER, is paid by her. Disconect

from that viewpoint ... and focus on your own recovery.

You might actually be alone; but you are in good company ... you are the

only one whom you can trust. Your reality is the only one that is real. Hugs,

Carol

In a message dated 10/24/2006 9:05:09 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

laurel_ecmc@... writes:

Hi,

I just signed up for this group yesterday because I am feeling totally lost,

unearthed, sad, helpless and orphaned.

Over the weekend I spoke with my mother's therapist (at the therapist's

request). I have a psychology degree (and am going to get my Masters in

counselling next year..oh the irony) and so I have done alot of reading and

research

on BPD because I have suspected that my mother and my sister have it. Despite

having though about BPD a lot nothing prepared me for the conversation with

the T.

She confirmed that I was in fact remembering my childhood correctly and that

she also suspected that my mother has BPD (or another syndrome i am less

familiar with called munchausen by proxy disorder).

Just reading the list of the abreviations used in this forum has given me a

sense of belonging and insight becasue I am definatly familiar with FOG,

having a mother that was not a mother, Oz etc.

I guess I am wondering how I will triumph over this feeling of being totally

alone? Will this discusting aching feeling ever go away? Why can I only feel

emotion in really short intense bursts and then i just go back to the bubble

of non feeling? Why do i just nod and smile when ever anyone is asking

someting of me and then only after i leave their presence do i realize i have

commited to do something i really do not want to do...does this happen to

anyone

else?

I was always told that my family was the only place where i could get

support and so reaching out to strangers (who have always been characterized as

being 'out to get me') is really scary but I am grateful to know I am not alone

and it seems there may be a whole group of you who have had similar crazy

experiences that I have.

Thanks for any imput...laurel

[Guest guest]

Welcome Laurel! This is a safe place to talk & vent & really helps

with those nasty isolation and helpless lost feelings.

Happy thoughts,

Anne

[Guest guest]

Laurel,

As they say in AA meetings- 'glad you are here, sorry for the reasons

you are here.'

I too have been here since it was called Modoasis and I've come a

long way and now I kind of am here for feedback after OZ and other

various issues along the yellow brick road being demolished. I do

recall Non-Bp man and I and a few others having a post a while back-

probably a year ago about Munchausen bi-proxy. I'm not sure if you

want or are ready to read those kinds of threads yet though. I say

take it slow and let this stuff sink in and go at your own pace. Too

much information leads to sensory overload and after growing up w/a

mentally ill person and trying to step out into the light of day,

your eyes/psychological skin can burnt really easy. In fact, I'm not

really sure your bp mom's therapist was altogether in the right

sharing this information w/you. I mean, yes, it is good to have

affirmation and validation. BUT, I also agree w/my psychiatrist

sister-in-law who says she never ever takes away people's coping

mechanisms until she's replaced them w/other more healthy coping

mechanisms. I've not found that to always be the case when dealing

w/therapists. In fact I've found a lot of psychologists want to open

a person up like a can of worms and get to the root of their

childhood w/o establishing trust between the therapist and the client

first and foremost. That's one reason why I told my cousins and aunt

when they started therapy to tell their therapists that they want to

focus first and foremost on the behaviors going on in their lives

that are causing problems. When we can focus on behaviors and bring

them up to be questioned, then other underlying issues will more

naturally emerge in the therapeutic process. But no therapy is better

than bad therapy if you ask me and a lot of other people around here.

Several of us have had bad experiences w/therapists and in the long

run, we do need therapy and to have a trust in that field and so

again, I can't emphasize enough when your bp mom's therapist or your

therapist starts giving you too much information that they think you

can handle while you are currently unable to say 'stop' or 'enough'

just know you are paying them to be able to be yourself in that

environment and to work up to say 'enough- I can't and don't want to

deal w/my childhood right now. I want to deal w/me figuring out why I

overcommit myself and can't say no to people right now. I want to

work on this particular line of behavior modification.' You are

entitled to boundaries and most especially in therapy. Learning this

on the receiving end will only make you a better therapist when you

do this for a living. And no, I don't think it ironic that this is

the field you've chosen. Lots of therapists have or had issues and

the good ones are aware of these issues and have done work on them. I

know my sister-in-law has had depression issues and she's not ashamed

to admit it. I think it makes her a better therapist b/c she's honest

and human.

In so far as not being able to say no or realizing you've over

committed yourself, it is kind of like I wrote on the thread about

Mission Statements. We never had a voice in childhood as we weren't

allowed an identity living in the shadows of a mentally ill parent

and so in the real world it is very hard to know how to lay down

healthy boundaries and find one's own voice. That is something I have

struggled greatly with and one thing I do think I battled and maybe

you are battling it too is depression issues that make us kind of fog

out of reality temporarily. For me, writing down goals and things I

wanted to do just hour by hour helped learn to live in my own skin

for that particular day...being fully plugged in and alive. After a

while I could move onto day by day and then week by week. But it was

babysteps at first and you really sound like you are in need of

babystepping your way into understanding this world of borderline

personality disorder. I really do think the other diagnosis may add

too much to your processing plate for now and while you are most

assuredly free to look that one up too, I would say first and

foremost take care of you- you for today, you for this minute and

sign on here only when you can handle it. Trust does have to be

built, but the outside world is not near so scarey as our mentally

ill parents would have us believe. I think if it weren't so, I'd

never have been able to reach out to my sister-in-law who was the

first to tell me about this mental illness and then I found this

place and bpdcentral.com at the same time I started therapy. It was

almost too much at first.

Best wishes to you.

Kerrie

>

> Hi,

>

> I just signed up for this group yesterday because I am feeling

totally lost, unearthed, sad, helpless and orphaned.

> Over the weekend I spoke with my mother's therapist (at the

therapist's request). I have a psychology degree (and am going to get

my Masters in counselling next year..oh the irony) and so I have done

alot of reading and research on BPD because I have suspected that my

mother and my sister have it. Despite having though about BPD a lot

nothing prepared me for the conversation with the T.

> She confirmed that I was in fact remembering my childhood

correctly and that she also suspected that my mother has BPD (or

another syndrome i am less familiar with called munchausen by proxy

disorder).

> Just reading the list of the abreviations used in this forum has

given me a sense of belonging and insight becasue I am definatly

familiar with FOG, having a mother that was not a mother, Oz etc.

> I guess I am wondering how I will triumph over this feeling of

being totally alone? Will this discusting aching feeling ever go

away? Why can I only feel emotion in really short intense bursts and

then i just go back to the bubble of non feeling? Why do i just nod

and smile when ever anyone is asking someting of me and then only

after i leave their presence do i realize i have commited to do

something i really do not want to do...does this happen to anyone

else?

> I was always told that my family was the only place where i could

get support and so reaching out to strangers (who have always been

characterized as being 'out to get me') is really scary but I am

grateful to know I am not alone and it seems there may be a whole

group of you who have had similar crazy experiences that I have.

> Thanks for any imput...laurel

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Make free worldwide PC-to-PC calls. Try the new Yahoo! Canada

Messenger with Voice

>

>

[Guest guest]

“Over the weekend I spoke with my mother's therapist (at the therapist's

request).........because I have suspected that my mother and my sister have it.

Despite having though about BPD a lot nothing prepared me for the conversation

with the T.

She confirmed that I was in fact remembering my childhood correctly and that she

also suspected that my mother has BPD (or another syndrome i am less familiar

with called munchausen by proxy disorder). ………..Laurel”

Dear Laurel, welcome to our group; I have found much comfort here. The

therapist is a hero in my eyes. The therapist told you the truth; you are not

imagining your childhood. Your childhood was cruel and filled with terror. T

confirmed what your subconscious knew. Knowing the truth will help you heal.

Be good to yourself; be gentle with this dear person who has been damaged.

You are not alone; there are legions of us. I am sending you positive

thoughts and prayers. Blessings, mg