Re: Has anyone else experienced this?

[Guest guest]

They are not happy with you keeping a secret from them, but they are

okay with entering your home without your permission and snooping

around? You are right that they don't respect boundaries - they are

not even considering your thoughts or feelings. One way to inforce

your boundary is to change the locks on your doors, and don't give

them a key. And if you keep a hidden key outside, stop doing that

or find another hiding place.

I understand how you want to protect yourself and your boyfriend.

But I think you need to find another way to do it. I don't see that

you should feel guilty about anything, but since you do, you need to

examine why you feel guilty, and deal with those reasons.

If you are afraid of what they might do, I recommend making an

assessment. Make a list of all the possible things they might do,

and next to each item, write down how you can prevent it from

happening, or what you can do if it does happen. Don't obsess

however - we are not powerful enough to prevent every possible

misfortune in our lives.

What I am trying to get at is that you are allowing your parents to

have this power over you, and you and your boyfriend can work out

ways so that you don't feel this way anymore. We sometimes still

feel helpless, when we really are not.

Take care,

Sylvia

>

>

> I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my parents

for almost a

> year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect myself ­

and him.

> The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I just

wanted to be

> able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give me

notice

> before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable, I

didn¹t

> think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work, they

found

> evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is out ­

even

> though they¹re not happy about it.

> The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

relationship, I feel

> more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did when I

was

> sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he feels

the same

> way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us, they¹re

going to do

> something really horrible to us?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah. They've lied to me and kept things from me before, but if I try to do

the same to them - watch out! It's so messed up!

I actually did think about changing my locks, and the more I think about it, the

more I feel like it really might be necessary. I should have time this weekend,

I think.

Thanks for the idea about the assessment. I'd never actually thought about doing

that before.

Right now, momster is enforcing LC. She just sent me a two line email at work

because I called and left a message on their answering machine yesterday. She

just wanted to let me know that they got the message and that it " was kind of

[me] to let [them] know " about my job interview. I think it's kind of funny (in

a perverse way) that she feels like she needs to protect herself from me by

going LC. It doesn't really bother me all that much, though. It means I'll have

less of her to deal with! : )

I suppose she's trying to hurt me or make me feel bad, but it's not working. I'm

not exactly sure what's making me feel guilty, but I know it's not this current

situation - or how I'm handling it. I'll have to seriously think about the guilt

thing.

Re: Has anyone else experienced this?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> They are not happy with you keeping a secret from them, but they

> are

> okay with entering your home without your permission and

> snooping

> around? You are right that they don't respect boundaries -

> they are

> not even considering your thoughts or feelings. One way to

> inforce

> your boundary is to change the locks on your doors, and don't

> give

> them a key. And if you keep a hidden key outside, stop

> doing that

> or find another hiding place.

>

> I understand how you want to protect yourself and your

> boyfriend.

> But I think you need to find another way to do it. I don't

> see that

> you should feel guilty about anything, but since you do, you

> need to

> examine why you feel guilty, and deal with those reasons.

>

> If you are afraid of what they might do, I recommend making an

> assessment. Make a list of all the possible things they

> might do,

> and next to each item, write down how you can prevent it from

> happening, or what you can do if it does happen. Don't

> obsess

> however - we are not powerful enough to prevent every possible

> misfortune in our lives.

>

> What I am trying to get at is that you are allowing your parents

> to

> have this power over you, and you and your boyfriend can work

> out

> ways so that you don't feel this way anymore. We sometimes

> still

> feel helpless, when we really are not.

>

> Take care,

>

> Sylvia

>

>

> >

> >

> > I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my

> parents

> for almost a

> > year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect

> myself ­

> and him.

> > The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I

> just

> wanted to be

> > able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> > When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give

> me

> notice

> > before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable,

> I

> didn¹t

> > think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work,

> they

> found

> > evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is

> out ­

> even

> > though they¹re not happy about it.

> > The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

> relationship, I feel

> > more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did

> when I

> was

> > sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he

> feels

> the same

> > way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us,

> they¹re

> going to do

> > something really horrible to us?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I was not in the same boat as you with relationships and stuff

(though I have been in that situation- nada rarely ever met any of my

brother's girlfriends and I didn't stay w/my boyfriends longer than a

10 minute hi and bye at best-even w/serious relationships), but I did

use to experience excessive guilt and paranoia. The break through

that worked for me though was when I was typing here and realized I

didn't want to be paranoid anymore and I questioned why I felt that

way. I had to be really honest w/myself and say " I don't have a mom.

I have a woman who sees our relationship as a you or me situation.

Can't have both identities and individuals. You or me? Which is it.

Well duh. No wonder I'm paranoid. Someone is genuinely after me, but

its my identity they are after. And so I need to realize this is NOT

a mother's love and grieve. " And I just kept saying to myself " I

don't have a mother. I don't have a mother. " and eventually I just

started bawling my eyes out b/c I was in a safe place for once in my

life to face that god awful truth about my life and what that might

entail for me.

Honestly though, since I went down that road that I'm still on, I've

never had to the same degrees the sense of paranoia and other layered

emotions. I still have them and I'm able to post hear about them, but

I see the root cause now of the mental illness and still have to work

through the feelings b/c that's a lifetime of conditioning. It

doesn't happen overnight- getting rid of it. But I've also never

misplaced it like I use to- being paranoid about dh or others to

those degrees I use to live in before I got therapy and on this board

for validation and support.

By the way, love is a dirty word to a borderline. they don't get it

and so they have a fabulous way of making everything good look dark

and sinister- not only love, but intentions. How many times in your

life have you had your intentions distorted and warped for the worse-

not treated w/charity in your motives? Charity and love are one and

the same. The borderline calls their relating 'love', but it is not.

It was a hard truth learning that b/c it meant that I had to realize

my mom didn't love me and b/c of her mental illness she may never be

able to. But it was also the most liberating thing I've ever done and

the best gift I've ever given me- that emotional honesty. Becausing

in facing that truth about my mom, it meant that maybe I had a chance

to discover what real love is and maybe, just maybe, even one day I

could even be a mom myself if I faced the fact she wasn't really ever

a mom.Lots of work though. Lots.

I say that several years down the road from where you sit. 6(we were

married only a year when that revelation hit me like a ton of

bricks) years of marriage, two in diapers and a year of NC w/my

nada. Be patient with yourself though. It took many years for you to

get where you are now, but if you have a good and loving relationship

like you sound like you have w/your boyfriend, then you know real

love is different than the bp's version. That is hope. Hold on. It

will be a bumpy ride, but it is sooooo worth it- trying to discover

who you are and what love means and that you won't always be where

you are right now or even who you are (though the essence will remain-

you will shine brighter the healthier you get and the more you move

away from this mental illness.)

Best wishes to you.

Kerrie

> > >

> > >

> > > I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my

> > parents

> > for almost a

> > > year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect

> > myself ­

> > and him.

> > > The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I

> > just

> > wanted to be

> > > able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> > > When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give

> > me

> > notice

> > > before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable,

> > I

> > didn¹t

> > > think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work,

> > they

> > found

> > > evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is

> > out ­

> > even

> > > though they¹re not happy about it.

> > > The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

> > relationship, I feel

> > > more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did

> > when I

> > was

> > > sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he

> > feels

> > the same

> > > way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us,

> > they¹re

> > going to do

> > > something really horrible to us?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Wow, Kerrie! I think you hit the nail on the head with that identity thing.

So many times I¡¯ve felt like I can¡¯t be who I am with her. She doesn¡¯t know

the real me. And she doesn¡¯t really know my bf, either. She doesn¡¯t want to.

She is after me, and anyone who threatens that (like my bf) is bad.

I¡¯ve been understanding for a while now that she doesn¡¯t love me. Well, she

might love me in a sick, twisted way, but she doesn¡¯t really love me. I

don¡¯t think she can. She¡¯s always accusing me of not knowing what love is,

and I think I have a better grasp on it than she ever will. I love her ¡©

even after all she¡¯s done to me.

When I tried to explain to her that my bf and I are in a very loving

relationship ¡© really, he¡¯s the best friend I¡¯ve ever had, and we felt a

connection almost immediately ¡© she denied it. My current bf and I started

dating four months after my previous fiance ran away from my mother. She

thought I was just acting out of desperation, loneliness, and lust. She just

didn¡¯t get it at all.

It kind of makes me wonder how my father feels ¡© not ever really being loved

by his own wife. How sad! Then again, he¡¯s stayed with her for 35 years, so

there must be something wrong with him. Maybe he doesn¡¯t feel like he

deserves to be loved. I don¡¯t know. I can¡¯t analyze him. I can¡¯t even

analyze myself very well yet. But, as you said, with time, maybe things will

become clearer. I know finding this group has definitely helped!

>

>

>

>

> I was not in the same boat as you with relationships and stuff

> (though I have been in that situation- nada rarely ever met any of my

> brother's girlfriends and I didn't stay w/my boyfriends longer than a

> 10 minute hi and bye at best-even w/serious relationships), but I did

> use to experience excessive guilt and paranoia. The break through

> that worked for me though was when I was typing here and realized I

> didn't want to be paranoid anymore and I questioned why I felt that

> way. I had to be really honest w/myself and say " I don't have a mom.

> I have a woman who sees our relationship as a you or me situation.

> Can't have both identities and individuals. You or me? Which is it.

> Well duh. No wonder I'm paranoid. Someone is genuinely after me, but

> its my identity they are after. And so I need to realize this is NOT

> a mother's love and grieve. " And I just kept saying to myself " I

> don't have a mother. I don't have a mother. " and eventually I just

> started bawling my eyes out b/c I was in a safe place for once in my

> life to face that god awful truth about my life and what that might

> entail for me.

>

> Honestly though, since I went down that road that I'm still on, I've

> never had to the same degrees the sense of paranoia and other layered

> emotions. I still have them and I'm able to post hear about them, but

> I see the root cause now of the mental illness and still have to work

> through the feelings b/c that's a lifetime of conditioning. It

> doesn't happen overnight- getting rid of it. But I've also never

> misplaced it like I use to- being paranoid about dh or others to

> those degrees I use to live in before I got therapy and on this board

> for validation and support.

>

> By the way, love is a dirty word to a borderline. they don't get it

> and so they have a fabulous way of making everything good look dark

> and sinister- not only love, but intentions. How many times in your

> life have you had your intentions distorted and warped for the worse-

> not treated w/charity in your motives? Charity and love are one and

> the same. The borderline calls their relating 'love', but it is not.

> It was a hard truth learning that b/c it meant that I had to realize

> my mom didn't love me and b/c of her mental illness she may never be

> able to. But it was also the most liberating thing I've ever done and

> the best gift I've ever given me- that emotional honesty. Becausing

> in facing that truth about my mom, it meant that maybe I had a chance

> to discover what real love is and maybe, just maybe, even one day I

> could even be a mom myself if I faced the fact she wasn't really ever

> a mom.Lots of work though. Lots.

>

> I say that several years down the road from where you sit. 6(we were

> married only a year when that revelation hit me like a ton of

> bricks) years of marriage, two in diapers and a year of NC w/my

> nada. Be patient with yourself though. It took many years for you to

> get where you are now, but if you have a good and loving relationship

> like you sound like you have w/your boyfriend, then you know real

> love is different than the bp's version. That is hope. Hold on. It

> will be a bumpy ride, but it is sooooo worth it- trying to discover

> who you are and what love means and that you won't always be where

> you are right now or even who you are (though the essence will remain-

> you will shine brighter the healthier you get and the more you move

> away from this mental illness.)

>

> Best wishes to you.

>

> Kerrie

>

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > > I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my

>>> > > parents

>>> > > for almost a

>>>> > > > year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect

>>> > > myself ¡©

>>> > > and him.

>>>> > > > The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I

>>> > > just

>>> > > wanted to be

>>>> > > > able to take control of one relationship in my life.

>>>> > > > When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give

>>> > > me

>>> > > notice

>>>> > > > before you come over to my condo ¡© not terribly unreasonable,

>>> > > I

>>> > > didn©öt

>>>> > > > think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work,

>>> > > they

>>> > > found

>>>> > > > evidence of my boyfriend©ös existence. So, now the secret is

>>> > > out ¡©

>>> > > even

>>>> > > > though they©öre not happy about it.

>>>> > > > The thing is ¡© now that I©öm not lying to them about the

>>> > > relationship, I feel

>>>> > > > more like I©öm sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did

>>> > > when I

>>> > > was

>>>> > > > sneaking around. What©ös that about? And my boyfriend says he

>>> > > feels

>>> > > the same

>>>> > > > way. Is it just paranoia ¡© that now they know about us,

>>> > > they©öre

>>> > > going to do

>>>> > > > something really horrible to us?

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > >

>>>> > > >

[Guest guest]

OMG after my wedding fiasco, I'm all for elopements!! It started with Fada

(after they had been divorced for 10 + years, btw) reminded me when we

announced our engagement that Nada had always dreamed of my wedding. OK,

creepy...

Two weeks later we had this HUGE blowout with Nada over the song I walked

down the aisle to. I don't remember what I wanted, but I did NOT want Here

Comes the Bride, so of course she did, b/c seh had just always dreamed of blah

blah blah... hahha Joke was on here, we eloped the next week and didn't tell

anyone. Eventually I let her have complete control of the wedding, down to

setting the date (we had to cancel the first one) at Christmas b/c that's her

favorite holiday, and telling her to have at it. Afterwards, we told her we

eloped. <<evil grin>> We celebrate our elopment day, too, rather than the

December wedding. Irks her every year, but the wedding was all about HER, not

us, so that day has little to no meaning to me. I remember falling asleep on

my wedding night thinking, Thank God it's over.

Kristi

In a message dated 1/5/2007 1:32:04 PM Eastern Standard Time,

mishael1830@... writes:

As far as weddings, I just want to elope to Vegas or somewhere. I'd be happy

at this point just going down to the courthouse and getting married by a

justice of the peace. I don't think my bf likes that idea, though. When I was

planning that other wedding to the guy who ran away, I didn't get to actually

plan ANY of it. It was all about nada. And I just let her do it because the

wedding was less important to me than the actual marriage. I just wanted to get

through it. Didn't work out, though. And I certainly don't want a repeat

performance. Maybe I won't have to have one, though, if nada and I keep not

talking to each other. : )

[Guest guest]

I see that you're terrified of these people and it's sucking the

life out of you. They've succeeded in making themselves the center

of your life. That breaks my heart. Change your locks.

We have a limited time on this earth to savor this gift of life God

gave us. And parents are supposed to want their children to bloom

on their own when they leave the nest. Parents who insist on a

chokehold to serve their self-interest have torn up their " parent "

card. You're wasting precious time when you are all tied up with

anxiety over pleasing un-pleaseable people.

I'll be blunt: You have handed them the power in your life. Take

it back. It's high time you gave yourself the title of " Adult " , and

see yourself as the rest of the world sees you: as a GROWN UP.

Grown ups don't hide major portions of their lives out of fear of

getting in trouble. If it's not illegal, you have the right to

choose what's in your life.

You'll never be free until you declare your independence. Everyone

here knows that's scary, but it's no scarier than living in fear of

family terrorists.

Everyone on this board will stand with you and help you stay strong.

Also, you're shortchanging your boyfriend. He deserves a complete

adult girlfriend who has fully left the nest and stands on her own.

Now, you're not the only one subject to their destruction -- you're

dragging him with you.

Keep reading, keep educating yourself on strategies to break free

and stay free, then DO IT! Find a good therapist if you want.

Others have gone before you and not only have they survived, they

learned that they didn't let the world push them around anymore. I

pray for the same with you.

Take care,

Kyla

>

>

> I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my parents

for almost a

> year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect myself ­

and him.

> The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I just

wanted to be

> able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give me

notice

> before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable, I

didn¹t

> think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work, they

found

> evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is out ­

even

> though they¹re not happy about it.

> The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

relationship, I feel

> more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did when I

was

> sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he feels

the same

> way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us, they¹re

going to do

> something really horrible to us?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Let me Say this, If your nada is anything like my nada was, she

doesn't care that you lept it a secret, she just uses that as an

excuse. What she is, IS JEALOUS. Borderlines do not like anyone in

anybodys life but them. Please do not feel bad, you are and adult

and have a right to live your life as you see fit. you owe them

nothing. they owed you good parents. Did they give that to you?

>

>

> I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my parents

for almost a

> year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect myself ­

and him.

> The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I just

wanted to be

> able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give me

notice

> before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable, I

didn¹t

> think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work, they

found

> evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is out ­

even

> though they¹re not happy about it.

> The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

relationship, I feel

> more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did when I

was

> sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he feels

the same

> way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us, they¹re

going to do

> something really horrible to us?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Eureka! You're right! That had not dawned on me before, but you're

right. My nada is insanely jealous, and she was especially so when

I was just starting to go out on dates. She was even jealous of my

friends. Kept saying things to make sure that she was #1 in my life.

I was told by fada to keep my engagement (to a wonderful man) a

SECRET because it would be too upsetting to nada. Sadly, I did, and

was denied the chance to be the source of a family celebration.

Who the hell did I think I was, after all?

> >

> >

> > I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my parents

> for almost a

> > year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect

myself ­

> and him.

> > The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I just

> wanted to be

> > able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> > When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give me

> notice

> > before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly unreasonable, I

> didn¹t

> > think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work,

they

> found

> > evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is out ­

> even

> > though they¹re not happy about it.

> > The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

> relationship, I feel

> > more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did when

I

> was

> > sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he

feels

> the same

> > way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us, they¹re

> going to do

> > something really horrible to us?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes. Nada is jealous - of anything that takes my attention away from her.

Several years ago, I was part of this woman to woman mentoring program at

church, and the lady who mentored me was about the same age as nada. Nada was

absolutely FURIOUS whenever I said I was going to meet this other lady to go to

the mall or whatever. I remember we bought matching shirts once. Nada couldn't

stand that.

" You never wanted to wear matching outfits with me! " Sadly, her anger and

jealousy prevented me from spending much time with this other lady. : (

I still believed (and deep down inside, part of me still wants to) that nada

really did love me, and I was hurting her by taking time away from her to spend

with this other woman. Gag!

As far as weddings, I just want to elope to Vegas or somewhere. I'd be happy at

this point just going down to the courthouse and getting married by a justice of

the peace. I don't think my bf likes that idea, though. When I was planning that

other wedding to the guy who ran away, I didn't get to actually plan ANY of it.

It was all about nada. And I just let her do it because the wedding was less

important to me than the actual marriage. I just wanted to get through it.

Didn't work out, though. And I certainly don't want a repeat performance. Maybe

I won't have to have one, though, if nada and I keep not talking to each other.

: )

Re: Has anyone else experienced this?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Eureka! You're right! That had not dawned on me before,

> but you're

> right. My nada is insanely jealous, and she was especially

> so when

> I was just starting to go out on dates. She was even

> jealous of my

> friends. Kept saying things to make sure that she was #1

> in my life.

>

> I was told by fada to keep my engagement (to a wonderful man) a

> SECRET because it would be too upsetting to nada. Sadly, I

> did, and

> was denied the chance to be the source of a family celebration.

> Who the hell did I think I was, after all?

>

>

>

> > >

> > >

> > > I kept my relationship with my boyfriend secret from my

> parents

> > for almost a

> > > year. I felt bad about the lying, but I did it to protect

> myself ­

> > and him.

> > > The momster ALWAYS comes out whenever I date anyone, and I

> just

> > wanted to be

> > > able to take control of one relationship in my life.

> > > When my parents decided to ignore my boundary (call and give

> me

> > notice

> > > before you come over to my condo ­ not terribly

> unreasonable, I

> > didn¹t

> > > think) and barged into my condo one day while I was at work,

> they

> > found

> > > evidence of my boyfriend¹s existence. So, now the secret is

> out ­

> > even

> > > though they¹re not happy about it.

> > > The thing is ­ now that I¹m not lying to them about the

> > relationship, I feel

> > > more like I¹m sneaking around with my boyfriend than I did

> when

> I

> > was

> > > sneaking around. What¹s that about? And my boyfriend says he

> feels

> > the same

> > > way. Is it just paranoia ­ that now they know about us,

> they¹re

> > going to do

> > > something really horrible to us?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

When I started therapy; I will never forget my therapist saying,

" Are you sure you are ready to make changes in your life. " Of

course, I quickly responded, " yes. " My therapist said, " No, I want

you to think about this question. " I said, " Why do you say it like

that? " My therapist said, " Because the people you love the most

will move the furthest away, and the people you never ever thought

loved you will begin coming into your space. "

I really didn't understand this, until he started intense therapy.

He was a Jungian therapist in Whidbey Island, Washington. He was

what I believe was the best for me. His belief was that the

subconscience mind often times deals with things that the conscience

mind is not ready to deal with. With this he focused on re-

occurring dreams that I had, and new dreams. It was very

interesting, and I learned a lot. I now have a female therapist

because I moved and realized that I had issues with women, so I

sought out a female therapist. (besides the point...sorry).

During my therapy he was right. Nada and fada distanced themselves

first. They hated me, I was awful, uncaring, a user...You name it,

I was it. Of course, I had no idea yet that nada was bpd. I

started to attract a whole new realm of friends, and even family

that had distanced themselves had made contact with me. It was

really weird, but I understood what my therapist meant. So, in

essence the sense that I was dysfunctional in relationships, so I

attracted dysfunction...and now through changes I have attracted

what I call a " different " kind of dysfunction. You see, I don't

really think there is a " functionable " person out there. I think we

all come with something may it be single parenting, adoption, abuse,

only child--whatever. This is all what I call " different. " I think

the word dysfunction is often times over-used, nevertheless I think

we all change daily--our hair color, our skin, our color, our size,

etc. That's the physical part and should not matter, so when the

emotional part changes it is much different and can be viewed by

many as difficult, and others are attracted to that. Have you ever

seen the poem " A friend for all seasons? " It really relates to this

exactly. I agree with your therapist that this is normal, and I am

glad you are happier. Goodluck in your continued success to

happiness.

erbussmom

>

> Hi kerrie

> With all this discussion of relationships, I am surprised that

you went through therapy and your relationship worked out. I also

wonder about co-dependency like the other person who replied to this

thread.

>

> When I started therapy for my horrible childhood in a BP FOO,

after about a year and a half of therapy, my marriage of seven years

fell apart. It was awful, but I had not been a whole person, and I

had met him and fell in love with him without being a whole person.

he did not love the whole me, only a small part of me. And through

therapy I grew to be a fuller person, existing for the first time in

my life.

>

> When my relationship fell apart, my therapist said he had seen

this a thousand times. He said when one person in a relaionship

seeks therapy and healing, either the other person has to do their

own therapy, or they both do couples therapy, or the relationship

falls apart, or the relationship reaches a crisis and falls apart.

In my case, it reached a crisis and was really horrible and awful,

but I am a stronger person in the sense that there is more of me in

existence. My self was tied up with all these unhealhty people who

used me for their purposes, enmeshment. Now I am a much more of

an individual.

>

> Anyone else experienced this?

> walking to happiness.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

We almost divorced towards the end of my therapy for ptsd. We went to

couples counseling with a wonderful woman who had him go to " individual

couples counseling " :^) We were able to put it back together and kind

of grow up together - we were 22 and 24 when we got married. His

mother is bipolar - diagnosed but refuses treatment with bpd traits.

So we have a lot in common. It has taken him a lot longer to come to

terms with his FOO as his father is a wonderful guy but also an

enabler. He tried to get her to get help and it came down to divorcing

or dealing with her behavior as best he could. He chose to stay. So

we deal with her because we love him so much. And so do our kids. But

dealing with her has caused many upheavals in our marriage - not fun -

but we have both grown into much more mature, stronger people through

the years. We are at 15 1/2 years and in it for the long hall. If he

had not been willing to deal with his FOO, we would not have made it.

When I got help, I no longer needed to be rescued and no longer was

willing to tolerate the abuse from his nada. But he stepped up and we

made it. I think maybe we are the exception rather than the rule? And

I think it helped that we hadn't had children yet at that point, so

less complications.

Fresabird

> Hi kerrie

> With all this discussion of relationships, I am surprised that you

> went through therapy and your relationship worked out. I also wonder

> about co-dependency like the other person who replied to this thread.

>

> When I started therapy for my horrible childhood in a BP FOO, after

> about a year and a half of therapy, my marriage of seven years fell

> apart. It was awful, but I had not been a whole person, and I had met

> him and fell in love with him without being a whole person. he did not

> love the whole me, only a small part of me. And through therapy I grew

> to be a fuller person, existing for the first time in my life.

>

> When my relationship fell apart, my therapist said he had seen this a

> thousand times. He said when one person in a relaionship seeks therapy

> and healing, either the other person has to do their own therapy, or

> they both do couples therapy, or the relationship falls apart, or the

> relationship reaches a crisis and falls apart. In my case, it reached

> a crisis and was really horrible and awful, but I am a stronger person

> in the sense that there is more of me in existence. My self was tied

> up with all these unhealhty people who used me for their purposes,

> enmeshment. Now I am a much more of an individual.

>

> Anyone else experienced this?

> walking to happiness.

>

> __________________________________________________

>